I made a bad joke and hurt her and don't know what to do

[melonwater29]

After a breakup that happened recently I expected to a long while being single. That was until I started finding interest in this one girl amd surprisingly she started getting interest in me. After a bit we actually started dating and as of now it's been about a month and a couple days. We've gone on some fun dates together and she was actually my first kiss. In high-school which is pretty sad ngl. Regardless she's amazing. She's so sweet, she's absolutely stunning amd gorgeous. She takes care of me and makes me a better person. About a week ago she told me that some of the jokes I've been making were too far. I've always had dark humor and because I purely have guy friends it never went to far. But I joked about domestic abuse which really hurt her. And just like that we went from texting and calling every day, saying goodmoring and goodnight, planning days too hamg out as soon as possible, to being near strangers. I text her and get left on delivered or read for almost hours at a time. I don't know what to do. I've asked and i always get the same response. "Idk". I've lost girls before but if I lose this one I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. She's perfect. This is a situation that can be fixed I know it. But when I don't know how and I either make no progress or less progress i could lose her. And that scares me. It scares me so bad. She's been so many wonderful things for me and I can see her clearly in my future. But I've been so stressed and scared of losing her. I'll never forgive myself if my mess ups cause her to leave. I just need her to talk to me so we can work this out. But she's being so distant and dry I can't. She brings out the real me that I didn't even know existed. She sees me and gets to see me like no body else. I miss her hugs. I miss feeling her close to me. I miss our fun or deep talks. It's almost been a week and I know that's not to terribly long but it feels like an eternity. I need help but the only one who would help me before is her. And she's not here to help. I'm so lost and scared. I thought we made some progress the other day but then it was right back to the same no reposne. I miss her man. I miss her more than I could've ever imagined.

[basil67]

I'm not so sure that this is recoverable.  You've just demonstrated that you find humour in domestic violence, so what does that say about you and your mates (who apparently wouldn't be upset by it)?   And I don't think she's hurt.  Instead, I think she had a WTF moment and is really turned off, and sometimes when we get turned off a person, there really is no coming back. 

I assume you gave a proper apology (as opposed to a non-apology which is like "I'm sorry if you were offended") and admitted that you were an idiot, but how did you even start to try and show that you actually don't think domestic abuse is funny?    I really don't know how to make this better.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, melonwater29 said:

This is a situation that can be fixed I know it

Not necessarily, man. 

You can't force someone to be with you when they just don't feel it anymore. Life doesn't work that way. And as @basil67 pointed out, I don't think this girl is hurt so much as completely turned off of you now. 

1 hour ago, melonwater29 said:

I'll never forgive myself

This is your youth and inexperience speaking. You mentioned being in high school so I am going to assume you're still quite young. While this hurts a lot now, I can promise you that in a couple years, this girl will barely be a blip on your radar. Life is bigger than this one epsiode and she isn't someone who is going to leave you stressed and upset forever. You will move on, and likely a lot quicker than you think. 

In the meantime, let this be a lesson. "Dark humour" is often highly inappropriate and hurts people.  There are consequences to our words, even if we meant them as "jokes." That needs to stop, as I am sure you now realize. 

[Alpacalia]

I realize you say you have dark humor but I am curious what prompted you to make a domestic abuse joke to her? Not trying to judge but just curious what is behind that for you.

[Gaeta]

Did she have to tell you more than once that your jokes went too far?

What kind of joke was it? Did you pretend to hit her, did you make a joke about hitting her?

Edited January 16, 2024 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, melonwater29 said:

". I've lost girls before but if I lose this one I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. 

How old is she? You mentioned you've lost girls before and that because you usually just hang out with guys your "dark humor" didn't cross lines. 

Humor can be funny and unfortunately very unfunny. Especially when it's crass, tasteless, lacking wit, etc. 

Perhaps it's just immaturity or attention seeking like shock value. You don't have to tell jokes to be good company. Try to focus on tweaking your interpersonal skills.

People who make snarky little backhanded remarks dressed up as humor tend to have issues, so try to address that. 

Edited January 16, 2024 by Wiseman2

[smackie9]

Just tell you you need to grow the f up, and she has been the one to help you with this....and that you had you head too far up your butt for far too long. 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, melonwater29 said:

But I joked about domestic abuse which really hurt her.

I don’t think you hurt her as much as you scared her. There is a difference. This kind of statement puts up a red flag for a woman that says - this guy is potentially dangerous. It’s not a surprise that she has withdrawn… particularly because you’ve not been dating very long and she doesn’t really know you yet.

That said, you don’t really know her either. Sure, this is your first relationship and you think she is wonderful but I would be cautious with the “she is perfect, she makes me a better person and I can see her in my future” talk. That also scares a woman when a man says these kind of things early in a relationship because it speaks to a potentially unrealistic and unhealthy attachment. 

At this point, all you can do is apologize for the comment and wait for her response. If she does not respond, you learn from this and move on… 

Edited January 16, 2024 by BaileyB

[melonwater29]

I did the opposite. She was messing with me like usual and when she looked back over I had the domestic abuse holiness pulled up. I've made jokes like that before but she didn't tell me it was a problem until it was a giant problem

[d0nnivain]

So you jokingly accused her committing domestic violence against you?  

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, melonwater29 said:

I did the opposite. She was messing with me like usual and when she looked back over I had the domestic abuse holiness pulled up. I've made jokes like that before but she didn't tell me it was a problem until it was a giant problem

Sometimes that happens in a relationship, someone will let it go and let it go until they finally have to say something - they finally say that they don’t like it.

Unfortunately, she is also young and in a new relationship… perhaps she doesn’t have the communication skills yet to voice her feelings/concerns and she has chosen to withdraw. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do about that because you can’t force her to communicate/resolve this conflict with you. All you can do is apologize for any perceived hurt and see how she responds. 

If this is what happened, there is nothing inherently wrong with what you did. I will share - if I am teasing my partner and I ask for too many kisses, he will sometimes joke “me too!!” I don’t find that offensive, because I am teasing him and he is teasing me… we laugh and move on… But, that kind of teasing is risky. You need to know your audience and trust each other. Pulling up a hotline number is potentially more insulting - it’s not really playful, it’s more real.

That said, when you know each other well and you have a mature relationship such that you can voice your feelings/forgive when necessary, a slight doesn’t necessarily spell the end of a relationship. It is possible to say something unfortunate, apologize, and move on… we all do it.

We don’t know her past history, maybe this triggered something for her or maybe she just doesn’t have the communication/problem solving skills to talk this through and move past this… whatever the reason, she has decided to pull back and you need to respect that. I’m sorry.

Edited January 16, 2024 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

16 minutes ago, melonwater29 said:

I did the opposite. She was messing with me like usual and when she looked back over I had the domestic abuse holiness pulled up. I've made jokes like that before but she didn't tell me it was a problem until it was a giant problem

Could you clarify what you mean by 'domestic abuse holiness'? Do you mean a hotline?

What was she messing with you about?

It sounds like she was picking at you, perhaps? In any event, you likely will have to 'take your lumps' if you've hurt/disgusted her and if you are to have any chance of getting back together you would have to shy away from any such talk with her. I imagine thriving on that humor comes with a bit of risk, shoddy or not.

It seems she has a habit of saying things to you that 1. get a reaction from you and 2. are risk-laden, in terms of hitting a nerve. This is a bad habit because it provokes rather than melds. Perhaps she'll learn that a little sensitivity on both sides will go a long way to building, instead of tearing down.

Edited January 16, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

24 minutes ago, melonwater29 said:

I did the opposite. She was messing with me like usual and when she looked back over I had the domestic abuse holiness pulled up. I've made jokes like that before but she didn't tell me it was a problem until it was a giant problem

This is a pretty innocent joke but we don't know her background, maybe she had to call that number or her mom had to call that number too many times. 

That being said I think she was annoyed at other things and she used this to breakup. 

[spiderowl]

I think if I was teasing a guy and he pulled up a domestic abuse hotline number because of that (and maybe had made similar comments as jokes before), I would be fed up with these threats.  It sounds like she cannot be herself with you and speak freely without you suggesting she is somehow abusing you.  I can understand her feeling insulted at that and giving up, especially if there was a pattern of behaviour there.

[Lotsgoingon]

She is supposed to dump for making a joke about domestic violence. You guys have been hanging out only a short while. I don't make domestic violence jokes with people I've known for a decade or more. These people would probably forgive me, but they might just lose trust in me.

Don't joke about murder or domestic violence or sexual assault. There is no reason to joke. 

Quit trying to impress a woman with stupid jokes. Just relax. 

[Alpacalia]

Yes, I stopped seeing someone after he made a crude comment.  It was after seeing each other for a couple months. Sometimes we may think something is just a joke, but it can come across as insensitive and offensive. Sounds like she pokes at you a lot, but she probably never thought much of it until the domestic abuse comment. 

Edited January 18, 2024 by Alpacalia