Wiseman2 Posted January 18 Share Posted January 18 6 hours ago, HopelessNick said: . The only reason she broke up with me is because she feels like she's babysitting me and she can't do it anymore. Please try to step back and give each other space. Although it seems you would like to rewrite the script into an epic tale of romance and rescue. Unfortunately it seems like things went sideways because of a lack of boundaries and suffocating her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 18 Share Posted January 18 (edited) 7 hours ago, HopelessNick said: In her words, it's not the right time because neither of us are good enough for each other at the moment. A clear indication that she is not a healthy partner for you… emotionally healthy people don’t say these kind of things. 7 hours ago, HopelessNick said: When she's nice, kind and caring to me and would do anything for me. When she wants what's best for me. When she tries to improve me. She tries to build my confidence up, tries to make me feel attractive and sexy. She tried getting to stop being so shy to the point where I'm can actually feel comfortable having conversations with people. Most importantly, she makes me care about myself even when I don't want to. She would do anything for you except stop sexting with this MM. And that is a deal breaker - or it least it should be, for you. As for the rest of you, you are not a project for her. There is a lack of boundaries here and you would be better served by a therapist. This is not a love story dated in the stars, two lovers kept apart by a MM… one person, self sacrificing for the sake of the other… You are creating your own story here and it’s simply not true. 7 hours ago, HopelessNick said: She's told me she's not in love with the married man. Hes an addiction. She said she has so many people she cares about and he is her outlet because if he doesn't care his wife, she doesn't have to care at all. She moved to live with her parents away from the state the married man was in to get away from him, but she couldn't. She had no freedom at home and the married man made her feel free. She has no friends in the new state and the married man reminded her how much she enjoyed life. I've seen their messages. 99% is sexual. There's no personal connection whatsoever. There are so many justifications here, it’s ridiculous. You are quite literally doing summersaults to try to explain her decision to get/stay involved with a MM. If there were no feelings involved and it was purely sexual, she would quit this affair tomorrow. But, she doesn’t. This isn’t love - a woman who loves a man does not do this. Despite what she says or how much she cries, this is not love. You are involved in an unhealthy relationship here and there is nothing you could say to convince anyone otherwise… Edited January 18 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 18 Share Posted January 18 Please stop being hung up on whether she "loves" you or does not. "Love" means different things to different people and also depends a lot on circumstances. People mistake lust for love, and mistake an unhealthy attachment, obsession, or fantasy for love all the time. It doesn't matter. The relationship was / is very unhealthy, the woman has serious problems, and you have issues of your own that you need to work out before you can have a good relationship or be a good partner with another healthy individual. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted January 18 Author Share Posted January 18 6 hours ago, BaileyB said: "In her words, it's not the right time because neither of us are good enough for each other at the moment". *** A clear indication that she is not a healthy partner for you… emotionally healthy people don’t say these kind of things. Could you explain this part please? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 18 Share Posted January 18 (edited) 1 hour ago, HopelessNick said: Could you explain this part please? What she could have said is “I’m not ready for a relationship with you right now. I’ve got other things going on in my life that I need to sort out, and until I do that I can’t be a good partner for you.” She is not capable of deciding whether you are “good enough for her” because that is for you to decide, not her. If someone told me that I was not good enough to be in a relationship with them, I would be very angry. It may not be what she meant, but the use of the phrase “not good enough…” is interesting. “We both have things we need to sort/work on” or “I am not a safe or healthy partner for you at this time” would be a better choice of words - to say that you are “not good enough” for each other is very negative. It’s an assessment of character - It’s like saying “I am a bad person…” because I’m having an affair. No, she has made a poor decision. There is no need to degrade or devalue your character. Edited January 18 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 18 Share Posted January 18 20 hours ago, HopelessNick said: After we broke up, we spent 3 separate nights together in the space of a month because we still love each other and struggled to get over each other. * * * She said I deserved better and made me promise I wouldn't wait for her. She also promised me she would become the best version of herself, the girl I would be in love with, and then reach out to me to continue our story in ant form. Do you think that day will come? No you will not continue your story. She's not worth continuing with. She's on to the next sucker she can manipulate. She will not circle back to you. All the crying is window dressing, not real emotion. 15 hours ago, HopelessNick said: She really does mean it when she says she loves me. I can just see it in her eyes. Not only did she love me, she still does. If I never snooped in the first place, I would have had no issues with our relationship. In case there's any misunderstanding, she's the one who broke it off. Not me. If she didn't love me, why does she still cry when she tells me she really does love me and tells me she knows I don't deserve her right now. It's hard to know from the outside I guess. We did save each other's lives because I didn't think anyone would ever love me and she didn't think she would fall in love anymore (her words). She said we came into each other's lives when we needed it most. The only reason she broke up with me is because she feels like she's babysitting me and she can't do it anymore. In her words, it's not the right time because neither of us are good enough for each other at the moment. You snooped & discovered she was cheating on you. The issue still would have existed with your relationship because she was still cheating. The fact that you didn't know about it, doesn't make it OK. In fact it makes it worse. She's a homewrecker for cheating with him & LIAR for deceiving you. She may have told you she broke up with you because she felt like she was babysitting you but the fact is she knew now that the cat was out of the bag & you knew about her immoral choices & sleezy behavior you were never going to look at her the same way. She left out of shame & self-preservation, having nothing to do with you. 15 hours ago, HopelessNick said: When she's nice, kind and caring to me and would do anything for me. When she wants what's best for me. When she tries to improve me. She tries to build my confidence up, tries to make me feel attractive and sexy. She tried getting to stop being so shy to the point where I'm can actually feel comfortable having conversations with people. Most importantly, she makes me care about myself even when I don't want to. She is absolutely incredible to me except for the adultery. She's told me she's not in love with the married man. Hes an addiction. She said she has so many people she cares about and he is her outlet because if he doesn't care his wife, she doesn't have to care at all. She moved to live with her parents away from the state the married man was in to get away from him, but she couldn't. She had no freedom at home and the married man made her feel free. She has no friends in the new state and the married man reminded her how much she enjoyed life. She said if I didn't come into her life, she wouldn't have known it was an addiction. I've seen their messages. 99% is sexual. There's no personal connection whatsoever. Sex is a personal connection & when it came down to it, she refused to do the one honest ethical thing you needed -- give him up. He means more to her that you ever did. Based on her own dumb quote from Johnny Depp, she continued to chose the other guy. She didn't love enough to change. You deserve better. Stop hanging on to hopium that she will see the error of her ways & come back to you. Not gonna happen. The sooner you accept that the happier you will be. Move forward in your life. Don't stay anchored to this trainwreck. To the extent that she helped boost your confidence & overcome your shyness, carry those lessons forward but move forward! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted January 19 Author Share Posted January 19 (edited) 5 hours ago, d0nnivain said: All the crying is window dressing, not real emotion. If you're saying it's crocodile tears it's not. After we broke up, we were still colleagues and every time I walked in the office, she immediately burst into tears. She's been messaging the married guy since and she's told him she didn't think she'd fall that deeply for me. She said it's been the hardest breakup she's gone through in her life. She went into the relationship thinking it would be a bit of fun, but it turned into a lot more. Now they're back to sexting, talking about how they want to have orgies and wanting to show off and make their hot friends watch them how to have sex properly. 5 hours ago, d0nnivain said: You snooped & discovered she was cheating on you. I was already reading their messages before I asked her out. I knew what was going on when I asked her out. I knew what was going on when I asked her to be my girlfriend. I wouldn't have if she didn't tell me about her traumatic past, but because she did, I decided to give her a chance because sh*t people in her past didn't. I could see that behind all the adultery, there was a beautiful girl there. I guess I went in looking to gain the experience of having my first girlfriend and wanting to fix her and turn her into the person I could see in her so that we could live happily ever after. When I decided to catch her out the first time, I pretended to be extremely upset and acted like I was going to break up with her, but I was never going to. (A lot of planning went into the conversation and not letting her know I can log into her account and read her Instagram messages). She didn't know that though, so she kept begging me to stay and after an hour of pretending to give up, I said I'd give her one more chance because no one else ever did in her life. 5 hours ago, d0nnivain said: She may have told you she broke up with you because she felt like she was babysitting you but the fact is she knew now that the cat was out of the bag & you knew about her immoral choices & sleezy behavior you were never going to look at her the same way. She left out of shame & self-preservation, having nothing to do with you. If that was the case, she would have broken up with me ages ago. Her parents don't think I'm right for her because we're too different and I don't have much life experience at all (I know that). Her sisters like me, but her parent's opinions affect her a lot. That's why she broke up with me. She felt like she was babysitting me and didn't want to change me. Edited January 19 by HopelessNick Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 2 hours ago, HopelessNick said: . Her parents don't think I'm right for her because we're too different and I don't have much life experience at all What did her parents mean by "too different"? Are you from different cultures or different ages? She will have to come to her own terms about the married man, but either way it's doubtful you'll resume the relationship because too many other things were in the way, it seems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted January 19 Author Share Posted January 19 (edited) 34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: What did her parents mean by "too different"? Are you from different cultures or different ages? I have a Chinese background, she's an Aussie, but it's not that. (I've never been interested in Asians 🤣). She loud and I'm quiet and shy (basically a mute who's socially awkward). Her life revolves around her friends and family while mine revolves around sport. I'm nocturnal because I stay up watching sport and she's an early riser. I dont dress well nor care about my appearance. We live an hour away from each other and it's costing us money to see each other. I live in a shared house and we have to spend money on hotels to spend a night together. I know I can't be nocturnal. I know I need to talk more. I know I have to socialise more. I know I have to care about myself more. I'm improving a lot and am still becoming better and she can see it and she always tells me she's so proud of me. Unfortunately, she said she isn't patient enough anymore. Our differences don't affect me at all, but it affects her. She broke up cause she couldn't fight anymore. She's said "I know we say that as long as we love each other, that's all that matters, but it's not enough anymore." She said she's happy to give it another crack down the line when we both improve ourselves, but now isn't the right time. Edited January 19 by HopelessNick Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 39 minutes ago, HopelessNick said: She said she's happy to give it another crack down the line when we both improve ourselves, Please don't hold your breath for that actually happening. It very likely won't. 3 hours ago, HopelessNick said: I guess I went in looking to gain the experience of having my first girlfriend and wanting to fix her and turn her into the person I could see in her so that we could live happily ever after. I don't mean to be unkind, but this was very naive of you. I get that you didn't have experience prior to this, but we learn these things the hard way sometimes. Your approach to this was never going to pan out well in reality simply because that's not how life works. You don't go into a relationship with the goal of "fixing" the other person. You seem stuck on her because she was your first girlfriend, but I promise she won't be your last. 3 hours ago, HopelessNick said: Her parents don't think I'm right for her because we're too different Pfft. Do her parents know their daughter is having an affair with a married man? She's got a missing moral compass yet they're supposedly worried about your lack of life experience? Right. 3 hours ago, HopelessNick said: her parent's opinions affect her a lot. That's why she broke up with me Oh, Nick. If you really believe that is the reason she broke up with you, I have ocean-front property in Kazakhstan to sell you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted January 19 Author Share Posted January 19 (edited) 30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Oh, Nick. If you really believe that is the reason she broke up with you, I have ocean-front property in Kazakhstan to sell you. I'm sure the married man had zero to do with it. I wouldn't know this if I didn't still read the messages Edited January 19 by HopelessNick Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 58 minutes ago, HopelessNick said: I'm sure the married man had zero to do with it. I wouldn't know this if I didn't still read the messages She isn't into you the way she needs to be in order to date you, Nick. That is what this is about. Her behaviour proves it. And stop snooping. You have zero right now to invade her privacy and read her messages. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SurfCity Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 7 hours ago, HopelessNick said: I was already reading their messages before I asked her out. Quote A lot of planning went into the conversation and not letting her know I can log into her account and read her Instagram messages Quote I guess I went in looking to gain the experience of having my first girlfriend and wanting to fix her and turn her into the person I could see in her so that we could live happily ever after. Quote I pretended to be extremely upset and acted like I was going to break up with her, but I was never going to. Quote so she kept begging me to stay and after an hour of pretending to give up, I said I'd give her one more chance All of this is very creepy; you need to know that. It's not surprising that she quit her job and moved to another town to get away from you. Stop worrying about her sexting a married man and worry more about your own stalking and manipulation. You should probably get professional help before your behavior escalates any further. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted January 19 Author Share Posted January 19 11 minutes ago, SurfCity said: It's not surprising that she quit her job and moved to another town to get away from you. She quit because she knew that she wouldn't be able to get over me if we still worked together. I suggested I quit, but she refused. She didn't move to another town. That's where she's always lived. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 8 hours ago, HopelessNick said: She's been messaging the married guy since and she's told him she didn't think she'd fall that deeply for me. Now they're back to sexting, talking about how they want to have orgies and wanting to show off and make their hot friends watch them how to have sex properly. Again, a woman who truly loved and respected you wouldn’t be behaving this way… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rider on the Storm Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 (edited) 6 hours ago, HopelessNick said: I dont dress well nor care about my appearance. This probably doesn't help; especially when combined with the whole headcase, adulterer thing. Edited January 19 by Rider on the Storm Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted January 20 Author Share Posted January 20 (edited) What happens if I anonymously tell her sister she's sexting a married man after a few months? I know she will stamp her foot down for sure. Edited January 20 by HopelessNick Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 29 minutes ago, HopelessNick said: What happens if I anonymously tell her sister she's sexting a married man after a few months? What good would that do you? Please leave this woman alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 3 hours ago, HopelessNick said: What happens if I anonymously tell her sister she's sexting a married man after a few months? I know she will stamp her foot down for sure. The best you can do is be a snitch? Dude, she's your ex and what she does now is none of your business 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rider on the Storm Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 6 hours ago, HopelessNick said: What happens if I anonymously tell her sister she's sexting a married man after a few months? I know she will stamp her foot down for sure. Sure. That's an option, but why stop there? I mean, have you considered alerting her pastor of these transgressions, or perhaps even her 3rd grade teacher? Keep in mind, you could always pay for a billboard sign in your city which shows a snapshot of some of the more erotic texts between her and her married lover. That would show her just how much you love and care for her, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 7 hours ago, HopelessNick said: What happens if I anonymously tell her sister she's sexting a married man after a few months? I know she will stamp her foot down for sure. Revenge really doesn't pay off and trying to breakup her tryst won't inspire her to reconcile. There's no such thing as "anonymous.". They'll know it's you and you'll come across as an unhinged stalker. Walk away . Link to post Share on other sites
Rider on the Storm Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 (edited) 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Revenge really doesn't pay off and trying to breakup her tryst won't inspire her to reconcile. There's no such thing as "anonymous.". They'll know it's you and you'll come across as an unhinged stalker. Walk away . OP, after reading Wiseman's post, I feel like encouraging you to take out a billboard sign in your city to promote the most illicit texts between your "girlfriend" and her married lover may not have been the best advice. I suppose it's possible that could be perceived as unhinged behavior. With that said, you mentioned that she has a sister. Could you date her? Is she single? On the plus side, if she's anything like her sister it won't matter even if she isn't. Edited January 20 by Rider on the Storm Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 10 hours ago, HopelessNick said: What happens if I anonymously tell her sister she's sexting a married man after a few months? I know she will stamp her foot down for sure. Nick, I am going to kindly (and urgently) suggest therapy. The mere fact that you pondering the above - and still snooping through her private messages - indicates you need professional help to pull yourself together. Your behaviour and thought patterns are alarming. And sending her sister an "anonymous" message won't make her come back to you anyway. So it's a pointless and silly idea. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted January 31 Author Share Posted January 31 On 1/19/2024 at 11:58 PM, BaileyB said: Again, a woman who truly loved and respected you wouldn’t be behaving this way… She's still sexting him, so I don't know why she emailed me this. She emailed me an apology. She explained why she did it. "He has been hard to let go of but I want you to know that I have and that doesn't mean that I want to get back with you because frankly, take him out of it, I have a long way to go until I'm ready for a relationship again. You have so much love to give and I don't think I'm the girl to give it to you. I have caused you enough pain for your first relationship and I don't think I can rekindle what we had. I want to reiterate why I didn't cut contact with him. He needed an outlet, his life is not like ours, it's work and a family and he was once like me and I know that's not an excuse but I kind of got it, he just wanted a break from it all and I provided that for him. It doesn't excuse it but in that moment I just wanted to help someone who had helped me and black out other people. I will never forgive myself for the affair, I just wanted to stop thinking about other people and help one person if that makes sense." If she doesn't truly love and respect me, how does she feel? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 13 minutes ago, HopelessNick said: If she doesn't truly love and respect me, how does she feel? Guilty for hurting you, probably. She's trying to absolve herself for being a crappy girlfriend. She is being very clear she doesn't want to get back together with you. Stop snooping, Nick. You badly need to let go and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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