Rider on the Storm Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 5 hours ago, HopelessNick said: She's still sexting him, If she doesn't truly love and respect me, how does she feel? Nick, a good rule of thumb is, if she's sexting another guy, she's probably not that into you. This is leading to nowhere but heartache. Give this up and go find yourself a quality lady who isn't sexting with a married man. Your mental well-being will thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 (edited) On 1/20/2024 at 2:45 AM, HopelessNick said: What happens if I anonymously tell her sister she's sexting a married man after a few months? I know she will stamp her foot down for sure. If you anonymously text her sister that makes you a controlling interfering j e r k. If you are willing to say something, say it out loud & take ownership of it. If you have to be anonymous you are ashamed of what you are doing & it would be better that it not be said or done. Her sister is not her keeper. She's not 5 & this isn't kindergarten. She is not going to stop making the adult choices she is making because you, her sister or anyone else thinks she's immoral. You can't control her. 5 hours ago, HopelessNick said: If she doesn't truly love and respect me, how does she feel? She feels relieved to be away from you. She wants to let you down gently but definitively. It's not you, it's me is one of the oldest dating / break up lies in the world. This email is a version of that. If she actually loved or respected you, she would still be dating you. She's not. Take the hint: leave her alone. Edited January 31 by d0nnivain 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted February 1 Author Share Posted February 1 (edited) She messaged me this too. Do you guys understand when I say she's so good to me besides the affair? "Baby I don’t even know where to start. You’re right, there’s not much to you on the surface and I understand why that prevented you from going out and pushing yourself. I wish you had bub, if I could go back to 18 year old you and help push out what I saw in you I would do it in a heartbeat. You weren’t enough for me in terms of personality and general presence. I felt it when you met my friends and with my family. I wanted to scream at them and show them who you really were but you didn’t give me the chance bub. I understand it’s who you are and I love who you are and I know the world is loud and you aren’t and I can’t imagine what that must feel like. But if we were to ever get back together I need you to be the guy you were towards the end and engage more with the world because it’s not a bad place. There are amazing people out there who would love to be your friend or girlfriend because you are good to your core. You just need to let them see it." Edited February 1 by HopelessNick Link to post Share on other sites
Rider on the Storm Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 1 minute ago, HopelessNick said: She messaged me this too. Do you guys understand when I say she's so good to me besides the affair? You should seriously consider repeating the bolded over and over and over until it sounds as delusional to you as it does to the rest of us. This isn't healthy. I hope you get the help that you need, Nick. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 1 hour ago, HopelessNick said: if we were to ever get back together I need you to be the guy you were towards the end and engage more with the world because it’s not a bad place. When did she send this? How did you reply? Do you want to get back together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted February 1 Author Share Posted February 1 (edited) 58 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: When did she send this? How did you reply? Do you want to get back together? I responded to this part. "He has been hard to let go of but I want you to know that I have and that doesn't mean that I want to get back with you because frankly, take him out of it, I have a long way to go until I'm ready for a relationship again. I have to stop drinking too much, smoking, vapin and him. You have so much love to give and I don't think I'm the girl to give it to you. I have caused you enough pain for your first relationship and I don't think I can rekindle what we had. I said: "I'm not saying we have to get back together, but I just think we have a special bond and it’d be a shame if we just take the possibly of us being together again out completely. I just hope we can keep being besties for the rest of our lives and keep helping each other become the best version of ourselves. We’re not waiting for each other, we’re just letting life and fate dictate our future." And she responded with that. Edited February 1 by HopelessNick Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 4 hours ago, HopelessNick said: Do you guys understand when I say she's so good to me besides the affair? Nope. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 5 hours ago, HopelessNick said: I said:. I just hope we can keep being besties for the rest of our lives and keep helping each other become the best version of ourselves. When did she send this? Why stay best friends? Don't either of you want to set yourselves free to find someone more compatible? Link to post Share on other sites
Rider on the Storm Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 (edited) 7 hours ago, HopelessNick said: I said: "I'm not saying we have to get back together, but I just think we have a special bond and it’d be a shame if we just take the possibly of us being together again out completely. I just hope we can keep being besties for the rest of our lives and keep helping each other become the best version of ourselves. We’re not waiting for each other, we’re just letting life and fate dictate our future." How special would you say this bond is given that she's electing to sleep with a married man instead of be with you? You should stop sending these groveling "please be with me" type of messages. She will think even less of you. IF that's even possible at this point.. Edited February 1 by Rider on the Storm Link to post Share on other sites
SurfCity Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 Besties don't hack into each other's work computers, their Instagrams, or their group chats to read their private messages. Besties don't lie to each other to try to manipulate each other; besties are honest with one another. Why don't you get real and admit that the reason that you won't leave this girl alone is because you think that she's easy to trick and manipulate. You think that if she's dumb enough to be manipulated by a married man into sexting him, that you should be able to manipulate her into staying in a relationship with you. As you can see, it's not working, you can't manipulate her into being with you, she'd rather text a married man than have a real relationship with you. The quotes below are what you need to focus on. Everything else is her trying to be nice and letting you down easy. 17 hours ago, HopelessNick said: You weren’t enough for me in terms of personality and general presence. Quote that doesn't mean that I want to get back with you Quote I don't think I'm the girl to give it to you. Quote I don't think I can rekindle what we had. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted February 1 Author Share Posted February 1 (edited) On 2/1/2024 at 12:14 AM, d0nnivain said: If you anonymously text her sister that makes you a controlling interfering j e r k. If you are willing to say something, say it out loud & take ownership of it. If you have to be anonymous you are ashamed of what you are doing & it would be better that it not be said or done. If I ever do it, I have to be anonymous because if not, she'll never talk to me again, not because I'm ashamed of what I'm doing. On 2/1/2024 at 12:14 AM, d0nnivain said: She feels relieved to be away from you. She wants to let you down gently but definitively. She keeps changing her mind and I think it's because of outside noise. She emailed telling me to unblock her a few hours ago because she couldn't bear the thought of losing her best friend. So I did. Then she said things like I'm the only person she would ever want to be with long term, but all the outside noise (parents and friends) is berating her every time she even brings me up. She said it's like being super passionate about being a pilot, but being colorblind. She knows it's not good, but she says the married man, vaping and drinking is her outlet and escapism. It makes her feel wanted because he wants to be with her even though he already has a wife and kids. With me, she doesn't feel wanted. She feels she chose me instead of me choosing her because she's been the only ever girl to show interest in me. 20 hours ago, HopelessNick said: You weren’t enough for me in terms of personality and general presence. She says she can't be with me because of that. (I'm trying to improve, for myself too). She says time and time again that she wishes it was just us forever alone because there wouldn't be a problem. But the world doesn't work like that and you will always be surrounded by people. 2 hours ago, SurfCity said: Why don't you get real and admit that the reason that you won't leave this girl alone is because you think that she's easy to trick and manipulate. As you can see, it's not working, you can't manipulate her into being with you, she'd rather text a married man than have a real relationship with you. That's not it. I'm not trying to manipulate her into being with me. If she left me alone, I'd leave her alone, but it's not like that. She initiates contact more than me and I love her too much to ignore her (not that I would anyway). Edited February 1 by HopelessNick Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 On 1/31/2024 at 6:54 PM, HopelessNick said: "He has been hard to let go of but I want you to know that I have and that doesn't mean that I want to get back with you because frankly, take him out of it, I have a long way to go until I'm ready for a relationship again. You have so much love to give and I don't think I'm the girl to give it to you. I have caused you enough pain for your first relationship and I don't think I can rekindle what we had. I want to reiterate why I didn't cut contact with him. He needed an outlet, his life is not like ours, it's work and a family and he was once like me and I know that's not an excuse but I kind of got it, he just wanted a break from it all and I provided that for him. It doesn't excuse it but in that moment I just wanted to help someone who had helped me and black out other people. I will never forgive myself for the affair, I just wanted to stop thinking about other people and help one person if that makes sense." This is all BS. She was very clear that she broke up with you because she gave up waiting for you to stop being anti social and to start caring about your presentation. All this stuff she's telling you her is just twaddle. I've got no idea why she's telling you these stories, but for your own sake, just block her. Also, if I got a message saying that my sister was texting with a married man, I would however let her know that someone is spreading malicious rumours about her and that she needs to shut that person down Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted February 2 Author Share Posted February 2 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Also, if I got a message saying that my sister was texting with a married man, I would however let her know that someone is spreading malicious rumours about her and that she needs to shut that person down Even if there's proof? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 45 minutes ago, HopelessNick said: Even if there's proof? How can you obtain proof without giving away your identity? Or without doing something illegal? But even if there was proof, I'd still stand by my sister. I'd block you and advise her to cut you off for being manipulative. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 Nick, you need the sort of help we can't offer you. And anwyay, there is zero chance you and this messy young lady wind up together long-term. She will vanish once she meets the next guy she wants to date. And that is probably when she will get go of this married man, too. You and she do not have a future together. Link to post Share on other sites
SurfCity Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 6 hours ago, HopelessNick said: If she left me alone, I'd leave her alone, but it's not like that. Tell her that you hacked her work computer and her personal Instagram and read all her private messages. Tell her that and she'll leave you alone. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 9 hours ago, HopelessNick said: she's been the only ever girl to show interest in me.She says she can't be with me because of that. I'm trying to improve, for myself What does she mean by "You weren’t enough for me in terms of personality and general presence"? What are you trying to improve? Work? Drinking? drug use? other habits? anger? What exactly are the issues she has and the issues you hope to resolve? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted February 2 Author Share Posted February 2 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: What does she mean by "You weren’t enough for me in terms of personality and general presence"? What are you trying to improve? Work? Drinking? drug use? other habits? anger? What exactly are the issues she has and the issues you hope to resolve? Being more social, speaking louder cause hardly anyone can hear my voice, not staying at home all day besides work, reaching out to friends etc I Edited February 2 by HopelessNick Link to post Share on other sites
Rider on the Storm Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 13 hours ago, HopelessNick said: If I ever do it, I have to be anonymous because if not, she'll never talk to me again, not because I'm ashamed of what I'm doing. She keeps changing her mind and I think it's because of outside noise. She emailed telling me to unblock her a few hours ago because she couldn't bear the thought of losing her best friend. So I did. Then she said things like I'm the only person she would ever want to be with long term, but all the outside noise (parents and friends) is berating her every time she even brings me up. She said it's like being super passionate about being a pilot, but being colorblind. She knows it's not good, but she says the married man, vaping and drinking is her outlet and escapism. It makes her feel wanted because he wants to be with her even though he already has a wife and kids. With me, she doesn't feel wanted. She feels she chose me instead of me choosing her because she's been the only ever girl to show interest in me. She says she can't be with me because of that. (I'm trying to improve, for myself too). She says time and time again that she wishes it was just us forever alone because there wouldn't be a problem. But the world doesn't work like that and you will always be surrounded by people. That's not it. I'm not trying to manipulate her into being with me. If she left me alone, I'd leave her alone, but it's not like that. She initiates contact more than me and I love her too much to ignore her (not that I would anyway). So, basically, she is blaming you and the rest of the world for you two not being together. No fault of her own whatsoever. It's interesting how she justifies her affair with a married man as her "escape", but it's not acknowledged as wrong or part of the problem. Honestly, man. This woman seems like a real headcase. How do you see this relationship playing out with you and your supposed soulmate? Are you going to allow her to continue feeding you this nonsense about how it should be the two of you together .. you know, if only it wasn't for all this pesky pressure from the outside world? Cry me a river.. She's essentially blaming you, family, and friends for her decision to booze and have a married man between her legs. It appears that she lacks character AND accountability! The biggest question is, why do you have such low self-esteem that you would even entertain such an asinine and pathetic scenario? This woman doesn't love or respect you. Hell, what self-respecting individual would even call this a friend? She's playing you like a fiddle. Wake up, Nick. Cut her off completely. Get some counseling. Continue working on yourself. Get back out there and find yourself someone with class. THIS should be the priority. Not debating whether you should tell her sister that her sibling lacks morals and ethics. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 She point blank said you were not enough for her. When are you going to get it? She wants somebody else. You did not have a special bond. She used you because she could. She knows you are shy, awkward, sweet etc. & she kind of feels bad about what she did so now she's distancing herself from you. Your idea to rat her out to her sister anonymously is lame. Her sister can't control her. Not taking ownership of your actions makes you a coward. The idea that you would do that behind her back & then live the lie -- not telling her it was you -- shows that there is zero foundation for a future for you. You can't build trust on a LIE. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 Sometimes (probably often actually) it's the "high intensity" emotion and drama filled relationships that are too turbulent to work LT and stand the test of time. You've seen who she really is NOW (which took snooping, which was wrong, but that's what it took) and realized you are incompatible. She's hooked on her MM friend and likely has a psychological need for "validation" stemming from her past abuse that will be hard to address without significant therapy work and that will likely cause her to seek additional male attention should that end. So, IMO you did the right thing in leaving unless you are actually ok with sharing her. In her case, I'm not sure she can (easily) help herself due to internal psychological pressure/"need". People change over time. There may be a "one day" where she can control her need to for male attention and you can control your need to snoop, where you are both right for each other. However by no means should you count on that happening. You've broken up - despite the tearful goodbyes and hopes, you will both move on with your lives. You may meet a new "love of your life" and she might as well. While it does happen, the chances of getting back together are probably on the order of 1 in 50, and the chances of your turbulent relationship working long term are probably substantially lower than that. If it did, you might be one of those couples you occasionally see where there's lots of drama/arguing or where one or both cheat and "look the other way" as they can't bring themselves to leave, or simply find it easier to stay together. This is something you should keep in mind. I suspect part of the reason you find her appealing IS the drama/emotional intensity. If so, I understand as I have (or had) a tendency to be drawn to that myself - a lot of men do. But keep in mind true "high drama" women tend to be real headaches over the long term. You might consider why this sort of woman appeals to you, and perhaps "work on it" a bit so you can have more stable LT relationships. Anyhow, in sum it sounds like you will be a lot better off continuing with the process of letting her go and finding a new partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 On 1/31/2024 at 7:28 PM, Rider on the Storm said: Do you guys understand when I say she's so good to me besides the affair? Sure. But isn't that kind of like being a model citizen besides routinely embezzling small amounts of money or shoplifting from department stores or similar? Generally it's not something you want your partner doing, even though it's certainly done by plenty of folks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted February 8 Author Share Posted February 8 (edited) Dunno if it means anything, but she said her therapist noticed she always cries when she talks about me, but never when she talks about the married man. Also, is there a chance her therapist would tell her not to stop talking to the married man? Or would they definitely tell her to stop? Edited February 8 by HopelessNick Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 2 minutes ago, HopelessNick said: she said her therapist noticed she always cries when she talks about me..., Honestly, you really don't know what her therapist does or doesn't say. It's all hearsay and she is just manipulating you. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 (edited) 16 minutes ago, HopelessNick said: Dunno if it means anything, but she said her therapist noticed she always cries when she talks about me, but never when she talks about the married man. Also, is there a chance her therapist would tell her not to stop talking to the married man? Or would they definitely tell her to stop? I wouldn't read too much into the crying because you have no idea why she's crying. I can cry from anger, frustration, pleasure, empathy, disappointment, relief or even heroism and abused animals...so heaven knows why she cries. Why are the two of you still talking? Surely going NC is the right way forward for you....it will save you from all this angst and rumination and help you recover The therapist will not make a suggestion either way regarding her talking to the married man. That's not how therapy works. Edited February 8 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts