Author HopelessNick Posted July 8 Author Share Posted July 8 (edited) To wrap things up, I want to go right back to the start. She was in an affair but she didn't know I was snooping and knew. I was willing to date and get in a relationship with her even though I knew she was hiding that from me. Did I exploit her? If so, how? I really did love her at the time (at least feel I did), but does that mean it wasn't love because of the situation? If it wasn't love, what was I feeling? If I meet someone else and it's the exactly the same situation, does it mean I can't date them? Edited July 8 by HopelessNick Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 1 hour ago, HopelessNick said: If I meet someone else and it's the exactly the same situation, does it mean I can't date them? If you meet someone in exactly the same situation and you date them anyway, then it would show that you've learned absolutely nothing from this. Don't you want better for yourself? 1 hour ago, HopelessNick said: I really did love her at the time (at least feel I did), If you did love her, why did you tell her that you didn't love her on 30 June? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted July 8 Author Share Posted July 8 (edited) 42 minutes ago, basil67 said: If you did love her, why did you tell her that you didn't love her on 30 June? I lied and did it to hurt her. Same reason I pretended to blackmail her. I self sabotaged by making her hate me. I thought I would be able to get over her easier if she hated me. I've told her that since, but I don't know if she believes me. Edited July 8 by HopelessNick Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted July 8 Author Share Posted July 8 Do you guys also think she would never have agreed to date me if the affair never existed? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 24 minutes ago, HopelessNick said: Do you guys also think she would never have agreed to date me if the affair never existed? What does this matter? How are you trying to help yourself move on? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 1 hour ago, HopelessNick said: I lied and did it to hurt her. Same reason I pretended to blackmail her. I self sabotaged by making her hate me. I thought I would be able to get over her easier if she hated me. I've told her that since, but I don't know if she believes me. Dude, you have got to learn how to handle yourself better in relationships. I’m sorry, this is pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 I've read most of this thread. What seems to have happened here is a trauma bond between two damaged people, with very questionable behaviour on both sides. You have to move on from her now and deal with the emotional issues that caused you to spy on her and also excuse things as serious as infidelity, so that you can have a more healthy relationship in the future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted July 8 Author Share Posted July 8 3 hours ago, FredEire said: I've read most of this thread. What seems to have happened here is a trauma bond between two damaged people, with very questionable behaviour on both sides. You have to move on from her now and deal with the emotional issues that caused you to spy on her and also excuse things as serious as infidelity, so that you can have a more healthy relationship in the future. Doesn't trauma bonding mean one person abuses the other person? Did I abuse her during the relationship or did she? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 9 hours ago, HopelessNick said: I lied and did it to hurt her. Same reason I pretended to blackmail her. I self sabotaged by making her hate me. I thought I would be able to get over her easier if she hated me. I've told her that since, but I don't know if she believes me. This is not what love looks like. Please seek long term counseling to help yourself do better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted July 8 Author Share Posted July 8 2 minutes ago, S2B said: This is not what love looks like. Please seek long term counseling to help yourself do better. But that was 6 months after our breakup. I'd never done anything like that before. It only happened because she found a new guy and broke all promises she made to me. (Getting a final goodbye, staying friends etc.) Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 (edited) 56 minutes ago, HopelessNick said: Doesn't trauma bonding mean one person abuses the other person? Did I abuse her during the relationship or did she? Its a bond formed through abuse, from one or both sides, emotional, physical and or sexual. You overstepped her boundaries, surveilled her private information and played mind games with her, she cheated on you. Neither of you displayed healthy behaviour in a relationship. Being equally f***ed up unfortunately doesn't balance and make it a good match, it just sends you deeper into crazy town. You have to address the issues that you clearly have around respecting boundaries or you will either just end up in more relationships with women who are not the full shilling or scare off a better potential partner with your overbearing behaviour. Edited July 8 by FredEire Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 44 minutes ago, HopelessNick said: But that was 6 months after our breakup. I'd never done anything like that before. It only happened because she found a new guy and broke all promises she made to me. (Getting a final goodbye, staying friends etc.) Those kind of things are very common to hear at the end of a relationship and very rarely work out that way. You have to have a bit of empathy and realise that emotional pain comes into play and means that both parties have to let the relationship die and grieve it separately, rather than just lashing out and playing twisted mind games because you feel slighted. It seems to me that you have a lot of underlying anger that didn't start with this relationship but you used it as a vessel for it. Only a good therapist con give you a deeper insight into this though. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 8 Share Posted July 8 11 hours ago, HopelessNick said: I lied and did it to hurt her. Same reason I pretended to blackmail her. I self sabotaged by making her hate me. I thought I would be able to get over her easier if she hated me. I've told her that since, but I don't know if she believes me. Please get therapy. Until you get yourself sorted out, you will be incapable of both recognising a prospect for a good relationship and then functioning well in that relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted July 9 Author Share Posted July 9 (edited) 6 hours ago, FredEire said: You overstepped her boundaries, surveilled her private information and played mind games with her, she cheated on you. Does it seem I was worse than her throughout the whole relationship? I still feel like I helped her grow as a person so much throughout the relationship. She told me that too. Also, I was 100% going to st snooping as soon as we became official if the affair didn't happen. I only snooped in the first place to see how other guys flirted with her so that I would do something similar. 6 hours ago, FredEire said: It seems to me that you have a lot of underlying anger that didn't start with this relationship but you used it as a vessel for it. I never felt angry until she got a new boyfriend. Edited July 9 by HopelessNick Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 6 hours ago, HopelessNick said: Does it seem I was worse than her throughout the whole relationship? I still feel like I helped her grow as a person so much throughout the relationship. She told me that too. Also, I was 100% going to st snooping as soon as we became official if the affair didn't happen. I only snooped in the first place to see how other guys flirted with her so that I would do something similar. I never felt angry until she got a new boyfriend. I think you have to stop thinking of it as better or worse. An relationship is always two sided, even abusive ones. At the very least someone can be abusing themselves by staying in the relationship, even if they are not abusing their partner. Firstly snooping is not acceptable under any circumstances. Secondly gamblers always say they will stop gambling when they win big, a relationship wouldn't have made the suspicion go away. She was single, she has the right to get a new boyfriend, you can be upset but you can't really get mad at her for moving on. Your basic standards for relationships are really out of whack, although it seems hers were also. You really need to see a therapist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted July 9 Author Share Posted July 9 (edited) 44 minutes ago, FredEire said: Firstly snooping is not acceptable under any circumstances. Secondly gamblers always say they will stop gambling when they win big, a relationship wouldn't have made the suspicion go away. I really would have stopped. In fact I did stop when I thought the affair was over after I caught her the first time. I only started again after I accidentally came across her journal. I will add it was when I stopped snooping where I felt the lulls in the relationship. I don't know if that means anything Edited July 9 by HopelessNick Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 1 hour ago, HopelessNick said: I really would have stopped. In fact I did stop when I thought the affair was over after I caught her the first time. I only started again after I accidentally came across her journal. I will add it was when I stopped snooping where I felt the lulls in the relationship. I don't know if that means anything You need to just take accountability that you f***ed up, not qualifying it by saying you definitely would have stopped if X had happened. Now you know it's not good behaviour and will only lead to problems if you do it in future relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted July 9 Author Share Posted July 9 13 minutes ago, FredEire said: You need to just take accountability that you f***ed up, not qualifying it by saying you definitely would have stopped if X had happened. Now you know it's not good behaviour and will only lead to problems if you do it in future relationships. I actually don't regret doing it because if I didn't I would still be a 28-year-old virgin and with no relationship experience. Does that make me a bad person? Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 2 minutes ago, HopelessNick said: I actually don't regret doing it because if I didn't I would still be a 28-year-old virgin and with no relationship experience. Does that make me a bad person? It makes you naive about relationships. The fact that snooping on her got her into bed is a sign that she's not very healthy emotionally either not that it's a good practice in general. It's terrible and will get you into hot water with anyone worthwhile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted July 9 Author Share Posted July 9 10 minutes ago, FredEire said: The fact that snooping on her got her into bed is a sign that she's not very healthy emotionally either not that it's a good practice in general. She didn't know I was snooping, so can you really say she's not very healthy emotionally? Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 1 minute ago, HopelessNick said: She didn't know I was snooping, so can you really say she's not very healthy emotionally? Thats probably even worse, using spying to manipulate someone into bed. You're way off here. Trust is the foundation of a relationship but you don't seem to care as long as you get what you want. You can't complain if it comes back to bite you in the ass as it did here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessNick Posted July 9 Author Share Posted July 9 4 minutes ago, FredEire said: Thats probably even worse, using spying to manipulate someone into bed. You mean into a relationship. But I really did treat her well and she kept telling me that I did until I confessed. If I somehow managed to get rid of the married man by continuing to persist and didn't confess, we'd probably still be going. Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 39 minutes ago, HopelessNick said: You mean into a relationship. But I really did treat her well and she kept telling me that I did until I confessed. If I somehow managed to get rid of the married man by continuing to persist and didn't confess, we'd probably still be going. Again worse! No you didn't, you were spying on her and invading her privacy. And she was cheating on you, she decided to cheat because she wanted to. Both of you behaved badly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 2 hours ago, HopelessNick said: You mean into a relationship. But I really did treat her well and she kept telling me that I did until I confessed. If I somehow managed to get rid of the married man by continuing to persist and didn't confess, we'd probably still be going. Dude, honestly, you’re being creepy and pathetic. Get some self respect before you attempt to have a relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 2 hours ago, FredEire said: It makes you naive about relationships. The fact that snooping on her got her into bed is a sign that she's not very healthy emotionally either not that it's a good practice in general. It's terrible and will get you into hot water with anyone worthwhile. You’re obviously absolutely right, but it looks like the OP doesn’t understand these basic things😔 Link to post Share on other sites
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