Will my ex ever stop sexting and being in a long distance relationship with married man?

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

You’re obviously absolutely right, but it looks like the OP doesn’t understand these basic things😔

Sadly his viewpoint probably isn't that uncommon since so many people get up to this kind of thing. I wouldn't have to spy on you or cheat on you if you would just behave the way I wanted you to.

A good rule of thumb op is treat others as you would want to be treated. I've gone through exes looking at my phone trying to catch me being unfaithful and believe me it's pretty horrible and uncomfortable. Nobody has the right to do that, we create boundaries because we care about others and also care about ourselves.

[HopelessNick]

42 minutes ago, FredEire said:

A good rule of thumb op is treat others as you would want to be treated. I've gone through exes looking at my phone trying to catch me being unfaithful and believe me it's pretty horrible and uncomfortable. Nobody has the right to do that, we create boundaries because we care about others and also care about ourselves.

Thing is, I couldn't care less if she snooped on me because I have nothing to hide. If she told me she did exactly what I did and snooped on me, I wouldn't care one bit. To be honest, she could have done anything to me and I would have stayed. (except physically hurt me like punch me for example. That would be the only reason I would leave). I just wanted her because I loved her. 

I have told her on multiple occasions I don't care how she treats me, I just want the best for her and I mean it. I would have given up on trying to get rid of the married man halfway through our relationship, but she was the one who INSISTED he was a drug and wanted him out of her life. One day, I said to her "I don't care anymore. I'm happy just having you on the side." And she said "That's terrible, you deserve someone to give you all of their heart, not half." But yes, she INSISTED on wanting him out of her life. Otherwise I would have left it. So the only way I felt I could help her was if I continued to snoop so I knew what was going on. 

Also, I knew she was cheating, so I had two choices. Do what I did, or leave her. I couldn't leave her because I loved her and didn't want to lose her, so I did what I did. Yes, I eventually lost her, but I got her longer than if I just left when I had the choice to.

Edited July 9 by HopelessNick

[Gebidozo]

31 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

Thing is, I couldn't care less if she snooped on me because I have nothing to hide.

What a strange statement. This has nothing to do with having or not having anything to hide. You don’t invade another person’s privacy, period.

 

33 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

To be honest, she could have done anything to me and I would have stayed.

That’s exactly the reason why she didn’t stay. It’s impossible to respect someone who thinks like you.

 

34 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

I just wanted her because I loved her. 

No, you wanted her because you have no self love and no self respect, and you needed affection from anyone else to validate yourself, because you can’t find it in yourself.

 

35 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

One day, I said to her "I don't care anymore. I'm happy just having you on the side." And she said "That's terrible, you deserve someone to give you all of their heart, not half."

She was absolutely right (well, except that “deserve” thing, because nobody deserves anything). But she was spot on otherwise, you should be with someone who respects you and loves you, and that will happen only when you begin to respect and love yourself. You aren’t remotely ready to be in a romantic relationship.

 

37 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

I couldn't leave her because I loved her

 No, you couldn’t leave her because you didn’t want to feel lonely.

[FredEire]

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

What a strange statement. This has nothing to do with having or not having anything to hide. You don’t invade another person’s privacy, period.

 

That’s exactly the reason why she didn’t stay. It’s impossible to respect someone who thinks like you.

 

No, you wanted her because you have no self love and no self respect, and you needed affection from anyone else to validate yourself, because you can’t find it in yourself.

 

She was absolutely right (well, except that “deserve” thing, because nobody deserves anything). But she was spot on otherwise, you should be with someone who respects you and loves you, and that will happen only when you begin to respect and love yourself. You aren’t remotely ready to be in a romantic relationship.

 

 No, you couldn’t leave her because you didn’t want to feel lonely.

Yeah I echo all that. A characteristic of emotional immaturity or dysfunction is you only judge things based on how you would feel, and there's little to no thought put in to how others would feel.

You wouldn't care if someone was covertly reading your private messages? Ok, I would, this woman did, I'd be willing to bet the vast majority of people out there would.

Also being willing to put up with almost anything including cheating isnt a sign of the strength of your love, it just means you are willing to let people treat you like s***, more than likely because that's how you view yourself.

If you stop characterising your actions as grand acts of love and more as acts of desperation due to non existent self confidence, it might be the first step on the path to a better place.

[HopelessNick]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

That’s exactly the reason why she didn’t stay. It’s impossible to respect someone who thinks like you.

Are you telling me she wanted me to leave because she begged me to stay twice? I did pretend to breakup with her a couple of times and put in crocodile tears to pretend I was so hurt. but she begged me to stay. 

(I was always going to stay, but she didn't know that). 

[Gebidozo]

1 minute ago, HopelessNick said:

Are you telling me she wanted me to leave because she begged me to stay twice? I did pretend to breakup with her a couple of times and put in crocodile tears to pretend I was so hurt. but she begged me to stay. 

(I was always going to stay, but she didn't know that). 

Dude, she broke up with you after only 6 months, during which she was having an affair with another man. Who cares why she “begged” you, maybe she was feeling guilty, or you were convenient to use, or she had pity for you (most likely). Bottom line is, she never respected or loved you, and you never respected or loved her. Grow up, for God’s sake.

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

Are you telling me she wanted me to leave because she begged me to stay twice? I did pretend to breakup with her a couple of times and put in crocodile tears to pretend I was so hurt. but she begged me to stay. 

(I was always going to stay, but she didn't know that). 

So you emotionally manipulated her to get what you wanted. Again that's terrible behaviour in a relationship.

I think you must have had some seriously bad examples growing up to make you think this is all fine and normal.

[HopelessNick]

5 minutes ago, FredEire said:

So you emotionally manipulated her to get what you wanted. Again that's terrible behaviour in a relationship.

How did I emotionally manipulate her to get what I wanted in this instance? She wanted to stay in the relationship and I wanted to stay in the relationship. If anything, we both got what we wanted? I just didn't want her to think I was alright with the cheating. 

Edited July 9 by HopelessNick

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

How did I emotionally manipulate her to get what I wanted in this instance? She wanted to stay in the relationship and I wanted to stay in the relationship. If anything, we both got what we wanted? I just didn't want her to think I was alright with the cheating. 

You pretended to break up with her and get upset purely to elicit an emotional reaction from her, rather than being your authentic self, i.e you manipulated her to try and gain control and make her feel bad.

[HopelessNick]

3 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You manipulated her to try and gain control and make her feel bad.

That wasn't my aim. I didn't want control, I didn't want to make her feel bad (although she already was). As I said,  I just didn't want her to think I was alright with the cheating. 

[FredEire]

18 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

That wasn't my aim. I didn't want control, I didn't want to make her feel bad (although she already was). As I said,  I just didn't want her to think I was alright with the cheating. 

Which is not being true to your feelings in order to change how she would react, which is manipulation!

[HopelessNick]

If I get better, is there any chance of reconciliation down the track? Months maybe years? 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, HopelessNick said:

If I get better, is there any chance of reconciliation down the track? Months maybe years? 

Why do you want to be together with someone you didn’t truly love, someone who clearly didn’t truly love you, someone who kept cheating on you, someone you emotionally manipulated like an immature kid, someone who is obviously sick of you and wants to be left alone?

Are you on a quest of self humiliation and misery?

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, HopelessNick said:

If I get better, is there any chance of reconciliation down the track? Months maybe years? 

In this case no, I don't think so. There were too many huge issues and it was too unhealthy for both parties.

[HopelessNick]

I just messaged her a genuine apology and all she said was "please get help nick. If you ever loved me, you will get professional help and never do what you did to anyone again".

Does it sound like she accepted my apology?

Edited July 12 by HopelessNick

[basil67]

No, she did not accept your apology.  And she does not concede that she did anything wrong.  And I'm not sure she ever viewed herself as your girlfriend

I agree with her that you should get therapy so that you don't make this mistake again

[FredEire]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

No, she did not accept your apology.  And she does not concede that she did anything wrong.  And I'm not sure she ever viewed herself as your girlfriend

I agree with her that you should get therapy so that you don't make this mistake again

Yeah while there is a lack of accountability on her end she is right about OP. You need to get help and see that things like surveilling your partner are really really bad.

[HopelessNick]

Fyi, she was referring to the blackmail, not the snooping. 

So what is she feeling? 

And why did she say "If you ever loved me" and not "If you love me"?

Edited July 12 by HopelessNick

[ExpatInItaly]

Nick - just stop. 

She wants you to bugger off and leave her alone forever. Can you do that? 

[FredEire]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nick - just stop. 

She wants you to bugger off and leave her alone forever. Can you do that? 

Yep she's feeling like she doesn't want anything to do with you any more, stop picking apart what conditional she used in her message.

[HopelessNick]

So after all the hurtful emails and bluff blackmail I sent last week, I just sent her a voicemail that night at 3am, saying "Thank you for loving me I will always love you". That's all I said and I meant it. She emailed me saying "I just need to know you didn't do anything stupid last night". I told her I didn't.

Anyway, she emailed me yesterday saying she was speaking to a lawyer and considered taking me to court for blackmail at one stage because she was so scared.

It really was a bluff and I wasn't going to do anything. I'm sure you all know. Anyway, I don't think she believed that or trusts anything I say anymore.  So I lied and thanked her for saving my life. I said I really wasn't going to go through with the blackmail because I wasn't planning on being alive for that long. I reminded her about the 3am voicemail I left her and said if I made up my mind that if she didn't check up on me that day, I would have driven into a tree that night. I said I wanted to make her hate me so much to the point where she wanted nothing to do with me so that she wouldn't care if I killed myself. I said I knew her finding out I killed myself would hurt her the most especially cause she would know she was a reason. So I tried to make her hate me so much she wouldn't care or wouldn't event know. Basically said to her "I did it to protect her from the hurt she'd feel if she found out I killed myself."

That's when she responded with "please get help Nick. If you ever loved me, you will get professional help and never do what you did to anyone again"."please get help nick. If you ever loved me, you will get professional help and never do what you did to anyone again".

I wonder if she actually believed me. I just didn't want her to be scared anymore.

I won't contact her again I promise, unless she does.

Do you think she'll understand I never meant any harm now?

What do you think she thinks? 

Edited July 12 by HopelessNick

[HopelessNick]

1 hour ago, HopelessNick said:

So after all the hurtful emails and bluff blackmail I sent last week, I just sent her a voicemail that night at 3am, saying "Thank you for loving me I will always love you". That's all I said and I meant it. She emailed me saying "I just need to know you didn't do anything stupid last night". I told her I didn't.

Anyway, she emailed me yesterday saying she was speaking to a lawyer and considered taking me to court for blackmail at one stage because she was so scared.

It really was a bluff and I wasn't going to do anything. I'm sure you all know. Anyway, I don't think she believed that or trusts anything I say anymore.  So I lied and thanked her for saving my life. I said I really wasn't going to go through with the blackmail because I wasn't planning on being alive for that long. I reminded her about the 3am voicemail I left her and said if I made up my mind that if she didn't check up on me that day, I would have driven into a tree that night. I said I wanted to make her hate me so much to the point where she wanted nothing to do with me so that she wouldn't care if I killed myself. I said I knew her finding out I killed myself would hurt her the most especially cause she would know she was a reason. So I tried to make her hate me so much she wouldn't care or wouldn't event know. Basically said to her "I did it to protect her from the hurt she'd feel if she found out I killed myself."

That's when she responded with "please get help Nick. If you ever loved me, you will get professional help and never do what you did to anyone again"."please get help nick. If you ever loved me, you will get professional help and never do what you did to anyone again".

I wonder if she actually believed me. I just didn't want her to be scared anymore.

I won't contact her again I promise, unless she does.

Do you think she'll understand I never meant any harm now?

What do you think she thinks? 

She also said, "I can't be your therapist". 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

I just messaged her a genuine apology and all she said was "please get help nick. If you ever loved me, you will get professional help and never do what you did to anyone again".

Does it sound like she accepted my apology?

It sounds like she wants you to leave her alone, get therapy, and move on.

Which, in my opinion, is a great advice.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

What do you think she thinks? 

I think she thinks she’s free of your unhealthy neediness and manipulation, and is happy about that. 

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

So after all the hurtful emails and bluff blackmail I sent last week, I just sent her a voicemail that night at 3am, saying "Thank you for loving me I will always love you". That's all I said and I meant it. She emailed me saying "I just need to know you didn't do anything stupid last night". I told her I didn't.

Anyway, she emailed me yesterday saying she was speaking to a lawyer and considered taking me to court for blackmail at one stage because she was so scared.

It really was a bluff and I wasn't going to do anything. I'm sure you all know. Anyway, I don't think she believed that or trusts anything I say anymore.  So I lied and thanked her for saving my life. I said I really wasn't going to go through with the blackmail because I wasn't planning on being alive for that long. I reminded her about the 3am voicemail I left her and said if I made up my mind that if she didn't check up on me that day, I would have driven into a tree that night. I said I wanted to make her hate me so much to the point where she wanted nothing to do with me so that she wouldn't care if I killed myself. I said I knew her finding out I killed myself would hurt her the most especially cause she would know she was a reason. So I tried to make her hate me so much she wouldn't care or wouldn't event know. Basically said to her "I did it to protect her from the hurt she'd feel if she found out I killed myself."

That's when she responded with "please get help Nick. If you ever loved me, you will get professional help and never do what you did to anyone again"."please get help nick. If you ever loved me, you will get professional help and never do what you did to anyone again".

I wonder if she actually believed me. I just didn't want her to be scared anymore.

I won't contact her again I promise, unless she does.

Do you think she'll understand I never meant any harm now?

What do you think she thinks? 

Stop lying man, please. Of course she didn't know it was a "bluff", how could she? And then you lie about suicidal thoughts, what?

I'm not saying this to insult you but there's certain psychological conditions you can have that mean you genuinely don't see any problem with this kind of menacing behaviour. It's not "normal" for want of a better word and can cause a lot of damage to yourself and others. I think you should get a psychological assessment.