How do you argue in a healthy way?

[brokenbird]

36 minutes ago, basil67 said:

With regards to the bar thing, it was not cool to victim blame you.  But equally, it was a (by the sounds of it) drunken hug.  Not a hand inside your underwear.  Did you really expect him to get upset where you weren't sexually assaulted and he can't do anything about it anyway?  

Ooooooh that is a great point!! Because all the cases that happened to me were like that. Like, one time an old guy came up to me while I was talking to a childhood friend. My boyfriend was playing (I dont know what it is called in english, a big table at a bar and you push balls 😂) and I was chatting. So the old man out of nowhere gave me a peck on the cheek and he told me I am a pretty girl and left. After like 10 mins I went to my boyfriend and I told him this, and he told me to stay by him for the rest of the night or tell him when I want to go somewhere, because I am indeed a pretty girl and guys keep coming after me when I wander alone. What you said can apply to this, because I didn't want him to go and punch that old man. And again, he did ask me before we went out to not wander. I just got excited because of seeing that friend.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I got the text, that they have to assimilate to me all the time , and there is life on this planet without me, too.  So I was hurt, and my bf felt like he didn't need to step in. 

Even though the text wasn't what you wanted to hear, it may be a good idea to understand others and take their advice. Perhaps learn that trying to run other people's lives is disrespectful. It's good they spoke up. Your BF is correct that he doesn't need to put out your fires. 

[Foxhall]

On 1/17/2024 at 12:09 PM, brokenbird said:

One time I was told off because I didn't want to go to a place. I just said that it is always fine if they want to cancel, but I am always bad fo

 I dont want to be making you feel any worse- I know from personal experience that a person is not necessarily feeling the best when they post a topic.

what strikes me is to perhaps consider your delivery of the cancellation- Are you rubbing up your friends in the wrong way- saying something in a manner which suggests you are inconsiderate to their efforts,

not suggesting you become a people pleaser but getting the balance right of not dismissing or offending your support network is important also.

[brokenbird]

4 hours ago, Foxhall said:

 I dont want to be making you feel any worse- I know from personal experience that a person is not necessarily feeling the best when they post a topic.

what strikes me is to perhaps consider your delivery of the cancellation- Are you rubbing up your friends in the wrong way- saying something in a manner which suggests you are inconsiderate to their efforts,

not suggesting you become a people pleaser but getting the balance right of not dismissing or offending your support network is important also.

I said in text that I want my bf to have fun with them and Ill be fine at home, I just need him for the next weekend then. There is no more way to say it. They are just nitpicking. Later I found out that the one writing the first text admitted he was an ahole, however not saying it to me. But the one who blamed me for things I have never done and then blocked me just after cursing at me, he would never admit he was a dramatic little child

[basil67]

1 hour ago, brokenbird said:

I said in text that I want my bf to have fun with them and Ill be fine at home, I just need him for the next weekend then.

You shouldn't have said any of it.  These are his friends and all organising discussions with his friends should be had between him and them.   Not between you and them

This is exactly why they say they feel they need to organise themselves/assimilate around you. You're overstepping your mark. Just back right off

Edited January 20 by basil67

[brokenbird]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

You shouldn't have said any of it.  These are his friends and all organising discussions with his friends should be had between him and them.   Not between you and them

This is exactly why they say they feel they need to organise themselves/assimilate around you. You're overstepping your mark. Just back right off

Now I do see they are his friends. However, two of those 4 guys kept saying that we are friends and we also met outside of the group. We talked almost daily and stuff. Dont treat me as a friend and dont tell me we are friends if this is not true...all those personal gifts, personal conversations were meaningless then. 

I dont really want to hang up on this one case. I want to feel more peace in general, so even if it comes out rude, you guys can tell me anything. Obviously I am more into my boyfriend than my colleagues and friends so those ones bother me more. The mother example was made up so I can state a point, but she is very arguementative, too. Sometimes I just have to block her because She wont stop bombarding me with messages because she is insecure 

Edit: Also we have spent 4 years together as a friend group, we met separately, talked separately, had these "family gatherings", so I did feel like the girls are friends with the guys, too, and not just girlfriends 

Edited January 20 by brokenbird

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I said in text that I want my bf to have fun with them and Ill be fine at home, I just need him for the next weekend then. 

I don't understand why you are the arbiter of rules.  You talk about being "strict" with your boyfriend.   Why is it any of your business to give permission for him and his friends to have fun together?   Of course you'll be fine at home, why is that something they need to think about?   Why is your date plan with your boyfriend something that his friends need to think about?

This is all indicative of how controlling you are, along with all the masturbation rules.  I can't imagine how your boyfriend deals with it but more importantly, you are literally driving yourself crazy.

[basil67]

10 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Now I do see they are his friends. However, two of those 4 guys kept saying that we are friends and we also met outside of the group. We talked almost daily and stuff. Dont treat me as a friend and dont tell me we are friends if this is not true...all those personal gifts, personal conversations were meaningless then. 

Even if they are your friends too, just back off with sharing all your personal planning decisions because it does sound like you want all the plants made around you.   It would drive me nuts if one of my own good friends was like "Sure, we can do that day...but if on another day...and then my boyfriend and I..."     Either you're available or you're not and leave it at that.  

If you want people to stop getting frustrated with you, you're going to have to learn when to stop talking

 

 

Edited January 20 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, brokenbird said:

 I want to feel more peace in general, 

All you need to do is stop arguing and doubling down with hard to understand "examples", just to continue the debate. Try to have a live and let live view.

This way you'll feel more secure in yourself and your views without needing to over explain with strange example after example to force your view across.

So what if people have different opinions on things? You're entitled to yours and they're entitled to theirs.