Moving out and filing for divorce

[Rachelle1832]

A month and a half ago my husband decided to go to rehab for alcohol, which was definitely needed. We had just moved into a rental house in the town his youngest son lives in.

When he went to rehab it was very spur of the moment. He left me with all of the bills and caring for his son, I was struggling to keep food on the table. My income alone wasn't enough to pay the bills. He wasn't able to take his phone with him, so he left it with me. I just left it sitting on his bedside table until my phone ran out of minutes and I couldn't afford to put minutes on it. So, when he called from the facility, I told him I would be using his phone until he got home so he knew how to get ahold of me. He agreed that it made since for me to use his phone until I could get minutes on mine. 

I then started seeing these notifications popping up. Snapchat, tiktok. I saw his ex-girlfriends name pop up. My heart dropped. My mind was spinning, do I just trust him or do I snoop. I snooped. I found out that he had been on tiktok since June trying to get pictures from other women and giving out his number. We got married in February. He had deleted messages to a "family friend" asking her to come over and [have sex with him], because I wouldn't put out and he thought he was going to jail for not paying probation fines (he decided going to rehab was a great way to avoid that for a bit). She didn't come over.

I saw that he had been messaging his ex on Snapchat. I couldn't bring myself to open it and read their conversation until she messaged him on Christmas. I listened to the voice messages he had saved of her saying she loved him too and she fantasized about them getting a house in the country, blah blah. The same thing he spit to me when we got together.

When he called on Christmas I told him I wanted a divorce. I put up with the drunk monster he became every night before rehab. I accepted that he wasn't going to keep a job. That I would have to bite my tongue when I had an opinion that was different than his.  I could not accept cheating, not on top of everything else. Especially since he blamed the alcohol and said he didn't remember any of it. I was completely determined to stand by my decision for a divorce, until he came home from rehab. The day he got back he was so smooth. He went and got a job and took care of some of the things around the house that needed done. He told me he was good now. That I should give him a chance since now he was sober.

I knew better. I knew he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. But what if I was wrong? What if he really did make the decision to stay sober and get the help he needed? What if I leave him and it sends him back into his addiction? What if this is the time I've been waiting for? We've been off and on for 10 years because of addictions, but when we got back together he told me he was clean from drugs 2 years and that he only drank a couple beers a day. He lied.

I'm disappointed in myself for believing him then and marrying him. But even more so that I fell for it again after rehab. It wasn't a week before he was drinking again and being mean. He looked me in the eyes and said, "You're not as good of a person as you think you are". The next morning when he was sober I told him that if he started drinking again I was leaving. Then three days ago, I came home from work and he was in the backyard with a fire going. Mind you, it was 17 degrees outside with 20mph winds. He got mad at me because I wouldn't come out and sit with him by the fire. But it was 17 degrees out.

The next day I stayed at my mom's after work so he couldn't convince me to stay. Yesterday I got a storage unit for my stuff and today I started moving. I will be completely out of the house by tomorrow night. He is now trying to use his son against me saying that I am the one hurting him because I'm leaving. I love this kid and I wish I could keep being his bonus mom forever because the kid definitely got the short end of the stick when it comes to both parents. But I know that I won't be able to. I accept that my leaving is going to hurt the kid, but I also know that the blame isn't all on me. I can't take the verbal and mental abuse anymore. It will never end.

It's so exhausting to wonder if I'm coming home to my husband or the monster he becomes when he's drunk. He is so manipulative and mean. Like, I truly don't know what I did to deserve his anger. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I have flaws and I make bad choices like any other human. But I'm not a shitty wife. I worked, cooked, cleaned, took care of his son, put out whenever he wanted it, drove him to all of his meeting, I moved 20 minutes away from my job so we could have his son more often and that I would be able to get him back and forth to school and still make it to work. He use to tell me that I treated him like s***. So I would ask him to tell me what I was doing wrong so I could fix it, but all he would say is your attitude. But half the time I would come in from being at work and he would start in before I even sat down. How could it be my attitude if I haven't spoken or even taken my shoes off yet? 

This is just the beginning of a journey of self reflection. After being in such a toxic relationship all that I want to do it to look inward on myself and decide who I want to be and what I want to do with my life. I look forward to the growth that I know is coming! 

Edited January 18 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language, paragraphs

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Rachelle1832 said:

 had just moved into a rental house in the town his youngest son lives in. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been together? Do you have children together? How old is he?

Please consult an attorney for information support and advice about your situation. Please send the child to his mother to take care of. None of this is your responsibility. Please don't enable him and please try to extricate yourself from this situation asap. 

[Rachelle1832]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been together? Do you have children together? How old is he?

Please consult an attorney for information support and advice about your situation. Please send the child to his mother to take care of. None of this is your responsibility. Please don't enable him and please try to extricate yourself from this situation asap. 

We have been married for 11 months but have been together off and on for 10 years. We do not have children together, which I find relieving. His son is with his mother, she has him majority of the time now. I have got most of my belongings out of the house today. I'm lucky I have family to come home to, so I can stay safe. I should be completely out of the house by tomorrow.

[d0nnivain]

11 hours ago, Rachelle1832 said:

This is just the beginning of a journey of self reflection. After being in such a toxic relationship all that I want to do it to look inward on myself and decide who I want to be and what I want to do with my life. I look forward to the growth that I know is coming! 

Good for you. 

As you move forward with the divorce go to an Al-Anon meeting or two.  It's a support group for people who love drunks. 

Focus on getting a job so you are never in another situation where you can't pay your bills.  

[Rachelle1832]

On 1/18/2024 at 7:13 AM, d0nnivain said:

Good for you. 

As you move forward with the divorce go to an Al-Anon meeting or two.  It's a support group for people who love drunks. 

Focus on getting a job so you are never in another situation where you can't pay your bills.  

Thanks for the advice! I do have a job and I take online college classes. I have been the only one who works consistently in our relationship. 

I actually enjoy going to Brianna's Hope meetings. I have 10 years clean, and the meetings are for addicts and family of addicts.