Self disclosure

[SoulOfOne]

I had lunch with my best friend today. (Both female) she's been dating J for about a year. Exclusively for both. She thinks it's magical. I see some red flags sometimes. Like today. She checked her phone and scrolled Facebook.  Stopped looked confused and showed me a post he made.  Something about how he was so excited because he got a lead on a job and who would have thought the troubled kid from years ago would be in this place now getting this kind of offer. He was excited obviously.  And it was posted 3 hours earlier. She didn't know anything about his exciting news.  She found out on Facebook with the general public. 

I said-why wouldn't he have called you to tell you? Text or email? She didn't know.  I said "I'd ask him that if I were you." She was really sad. I was trying to figure out how to console or explain possibly what happened but all I saw was another red flag. But thought-maybe it's because I have been noting some red flags. I didn't have much to say to her other than-ask him.

We parted ways.  I caller her later to see if she asked.  She did.  His answer to why he didn't share with her and went right to social media was "I hadn't gotten around to telling you about it." 

I said, how did that make you feel?  She said, like Facebook was more important.  I said, did you tell him? She said No. She just moved on. But was sad.

Is this even a red flag or is it me not liking how I see her feeling and maybe me not liking him for it? 

I'd not be happy with that answer if I were dating him. I'd also be honest and say I felt bad about finding out after 75 Facebook friends knew before me.  

If I got exciting news the first person I would tell would be my significant other. Maybe I'm overthinking on her behalf.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, SoulOfOne said:

I said-why wouldn't he have called you to tell you?. Maybe I'm overthinking on her behalf.

Maybe overthinking a bit. It's not really a big deal or something she needs to feel bad about. 

[SoulOfOne]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe overthinking a bit. It's not really a big deal or something she needs to feel bad about. 

Well crud. I hope I didn't contribute to her sadness then! I can be an overthinker. Glorious habit 😬

[Sony12]

It's very possible your friends relationship isn't quite as serious as she thinks it is. She might view it as being a little more serious than he does.

Edited January 18, 2024 by Sony12

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, SoulOfOne said:

Well crud. I hope I didn't contribute to her sadness then! I can be an overthinker. Glorious habit

Is there a reason you doubled down on this episode and kept prodding her about it? 

I also would be skeptical about a guy who broadcasts to social media first, to be clear, but I wouldn't have essentially rubbed her nose in in either.  She is old enough to manage that on her own. There was no need for the follow-up call on your part, which yes, probably made her feel worse. Why did you do that? 

I understand that you care about her and aren't a big fan of this man. However, I would work on minding your own business a bit more. You are risking becoming a meddler rather than a supporter. 

[SoulOfOne]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is there a reason you doubled down on this episode and kept prodding her about it? 

I also would be skeptical about a guy who broadcasts to social media first, to be clear, but I wouldn't have essentially rubbed her nose in in either.  She is old enough to manage that on her own. There was no need for the follow-up call on your part, which yes, probably made her feel worse. Why did you do that? 

I understand that you care about her and aren't a big fan of this man. However, I would work on minding your own business a bit more. You are risking becoming a meddler rather than a supporter. 

Intent vs impact maybe. She didn't seem upset I called. I think she would have told me I was overstepping as we cn be brutally honest with each other but always having each others backs. I wasn't trying to rub her nose in it. It was my intent to check on her.  Often she has asked me-am I wrong here? And we have a relationship where we are that kind of honest because we know that at the base we will always support each other. I have told her (not unsolicited) when she asks about some red flags-not "you shouldn't be with him" but "I think you deserve a say in this" kind of advice, (she asks because of the marriage she left-long story but her marriage wasn't great b4 and she left after he had a medical diagnosis and the family and public shunned her for leaving a "sick" man- but didn't know the truth it was emotionally void before she left him.) She was afraid she was being blind to some things in this new whirlwind. I've been the one to hold her up thru that. She's my best friend and I feel like this guy is a bit of a rebound with controlling tendencies (ex. telling her you can't donate plasma because I don't like it-but she uses the extra money to help pay bills-I think he shouldnt tell her how to pay bills or what to do with HER body) but I want her to be happy and will support if she makes the choice and is happy or it's a mistake and she needs me. I called because she was visually upset and was trying to hold it together in the restaurant. Truth I don't really like this guy based on what she tells me-but I've never tried to rub her nose in it. I was concerned that my distaste for him was making me over think the Facebook post. 

[SoulOfOne]

6 hours ago, Sony12 said:

It's very possible your friends relationship isn't quite as serious as she thinks it is. She might view it as being a little more serious than he does.

Yes.  I think she is way more invested than he is. And it's the 1st whirlwind after a tumultuous divorce. I keep hoping my gut is wrong abt him for her sake. She comes to me for things but I don't have a sounding board for what to do with it since it's so private. Here I am with y'all! 🥹

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, SoulOfOne said:

Yes.  I think she is way more invested than he is. And it's the 1st whirlwind after a tumultuous divorce. I keep hoping my gut is wrong abt him for her sake. She comes to me for things but I don't have a sounding board for what to do with it since it's so private. Here I am with y'all! 🥹

When in those situations people often go with what gives them those thrills again over what probably has the best potential for a future. It's something she needs to find out on her own though. Right now she is probably having more fun than she has had in a long time and if she wants to consider it to be serious to give legitimacy to the things she might be doing than that's something that she needs to go through. Unless the guy is physically abusive than it's nothing for you to worry about. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, SoulOfOne said:

Well crud. I hope I didn't contribute to her sadness then! I can be an overthinker. Glorious habit 😬

Yes, unfortunately. There's no reason to make her feel bad about her relationship just because you don't like this guy. Eventually she'll come to her own conclusions, but pointing out his supposed flaws isn't going to help either of you or your friendship. 

[stillafool]

I think it's best to keep your opinions about other's partners to yourself unless they ask for it.  

[Alpacalia]

You're not dating him, she is, so if it doesn't bother her, that's all that really matters. I know you don't want to see her hurt, but if you always point out red flags to her, she will eventually stop telling you anything about the relationship, because you've shown her you are not satisfied with him, and not supportive of her choices. All you can really do is be there for her, but I would stay out of it unless she asks for or doesn't know how to handle it.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, SoulOfOne said:

am I wrong here?

Yes. 

You seem to be over-stepping and not really helping her feel better. 

8 hours ago, SoulOfOne said:

she's my best friend and I feel like this guy is a bit of a rebound with controlling tendencies

I get it, but she is also an adult and capable of making her own choices - even if you don't think they're great ones. There is a difference between being there as a support system, and trying to parent her. 

 

 

[Gaeta]

What age range are we talking about?

I remember years ago, my family was all gathered on a December 24th waiting for my youngest brother to arrive. He was running late so l decided to check his FB cause he was 30, and 30 something people put everything on FB. So there l check and first thing that pops in my face is his girlfriend posting they had just seperated!!

What the heck got into her mind to post this before our brother had time to call us! She probably posted this before telling her parents too. It was a 5 year relationship after all, family should have known first.

The thing is this woman was adored by our family. She was a kind, level headed, responsible young woman. She did that out of impulse......just like this guy. It's one of those weird things people sometimes do. I would not call that a redflag

Edited January 18, 2024 by Gaeta

[lurker74]

It's really only an issue if your friend has anti-social network leanings. Some people - more these days than in the past - believe that social networks are breaking down connections. They are very likely correct but it is an opinion. If she believes that, then it's an issue but only if she expresses it to her BF.

To be honest, I think you over-reacted. But more than likely your heart was likely in the right place.

[ShyViolet]

I think you are putting ideas in her head and making her feel bad about her relationship when it didn't necessarily have to be this big of a deal.  You're not being a supportive friend, it sounds more like you are meddling in her relationship and causing trouble.  Honestly you should mind your own business and not give people unsolicited advice about their relationships.  I know you meant well, I don't think you were being malicious or purposely trying to cause trouble, but this was just way too much and it's not your business.