Looking back at my relationship with Maria and more.

[Keeves1]

Hello to all the people reading this! 

First of I want to say sorry for being passive aggressive when I wrote that I did not feel understood. It is very true that at times I did not understand people's comment and I want to apologize and I will now ask if I don't understand something. I also want to say that I'm grateful and happy to able to share my thoughts and experience here and get such good help from everyone. 

I have been reading all of my threads from back then when I first dated Maria. I had personal issues where I took every word and banter serious. It's no wonder that Maria had issues being herself around me when I'm always aggressive and angry around little things. I had issues where I took work home and complained about a colleague that did not respect my boundaries. Maria felt that it was draining her emotionally. I had some communication problems in such a way on how I use my tone of voice when speaking to her when I get frustrated. Last but not least the sex part where she was just not into having it with me (Will come back later to this topic) 

I have been struggling alot since the breakup and I have been sick leave from work in almost 2 months. I just could not get Maria out of my head and what helped me gradually forget her is to do things I like but on the other side I were always thinking positive about her. What helped me move on alot quicker was realizing the negative part of Maria and that when it comes to breakups there is no such thing as "One partner is to blame for it all". Remember it's not always my fault in this breakup. 

Maria gaslighted me. She often said "I Never said that" when we were having arguments. I was always the one who got the blame and she are denying her wrongdoings. Funny how she can be so honest and upfront with me but when I confront her with something that bothers me and if I critize her she are just brushing it off or are getting aggressive. I do understand that it's a normal reactions but how come that she denyes her wrongdoing? She needs to realize what she has done wrong too. I do not have any examples as this has happend along time ago but right now I have been aware of some of my behaviour such as: Apologizing to much and I second guess myself alot lately. 

All I mentioned above are problems that I have caused to the relationship but also Maria was not good for me too. It's not me who was the problem, but of us were.

I'm doing fine now and I'm not dating this girl "Sille" anymore. I'm using my time to do things I like such as gaming, hanging with friends and to hit the gym. I think I need to focus more on myself right now.

I've had alot of time to reflect and get professional help.

The topic I want to get back to:

So early December I reached out to Maria to apologize and she accepted it. She did not apologize back but she wanted to listen to what my therapist had to say so I told her. After that she did not say a word and honestly I think she just wanted to get this overwith. Meanwhile she dated this guy called "Fred - false name" because she wanted to experience with her sexual side of her body. Fred was basically a rebound to Maria but she found out about the sex part. It's not that she was not into me but Maria's opinion is that she had good sex with Fred because it comes naturally. He never ask for it meanwhile I¨m asking for consent when I was with Maria. She's saying that by me asking to have sex ruins it for her. Even when Maria and Fred had good sex, Maria broke up with Fred because he had anger issues. Maria said she does not know what she want right now and need time to think

1 week had passed by and I asked if she wanted to meet up with me for the second time. It was short but I helped her choose an outfit that she needed to wear on the New years eve. We then ate at a Burger restaurant and I told her and I'm willing to try again and work for it. She then told me that she has had time to think and that the romantic feeling she have for me is gone. She only sees me as a friend. 

From December until now I have been in touch with her asking how she is doing etc. She told me she is doing good and that she is dating another guy. I saw her on a dating app after our second meeting. I just told her that I'm happy for her but I was hurt as I still have feelings for Maria. It made me rethink my decision to be friends with an ex.

Yesterday I said that " I do not wish to be friends with an ex. I will cherish all the good memories we had together and I only wish the best for you in life" . She replied with: "That is relatable. Thanks and the same to you" 

 

Edited January 18, 2024 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Keeves1 said:

Yesterday I said that " I do not wish to be friends with an ex. I will cherish all the good memories we had together and I only wish the best for you in life" . She replied with: "That is relatable. Thanks and the same to you" 

It seems like you finally ended things peacefully and have closure. That's the first step in moving forward. 

[Keeves1]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you finally ended things peacefully and have closure. That's the first step in moving forward. 

Yes! I know my shortcoming and are working towards it. Lesson has been learned. She was my first love and I will not make the same mistake on my next relationship 

[Keeves1]

I cannot remember if I asked her to move in or if it was her who wanted to move in with me. The threads that I posted back then I just wrote "She has moved in with me" 😅

Edited January 18, 2024 by Keeves1

[Alpacalia]

That's good. It was your first relationship so it's good to reflect and then when you do and find that you hold onto it for awhile, try dating again. It's not reasonable to expect your first or even second partner to be your forever partner. Relax and enjoy the experience of dating and don't take it so seriously. You're young, and this likely won't be your last significant relationship. Just keep in mind to learn from your mistakes and work on yourself. Good luck, you'll be just fine.

[Keeves1]

29 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

That's good. It was your first relationship so it's good to reflect and then when you do and find that you hold onto it for awhile, try dating again. It's not reasonable to expect your first or even second partner to be your forever partner. Relax and enjoy the experience of dating and don't take it so seriously. You're young, and this likely won't be your last significant relationship. Just keep in mind to learn from your mistakes and work on yourself. Good luck, you'll be just fine.

Thanku!  

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Keeves1 said:

Yesterday I said that " I do not wish to be friends with an ex. I will cherish all the good memories we had together and I only wish the best for you in life" . She replied with: "That is relatable. Thanks and the same to you" 

I’m sure that she was relieved by this because she has clearly moved on as she is dating another man. For obvious reasons, you don’t want to hang around to watch that… it’s time for you to move on as well. I wish you luck in doing so. 

[Keeves1]

22 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I’m sure that she was relieved by this because she has clearly moved on as she is dating another man. For obvious reasons, you don’t want to hang around to watch that… it’s time for you to move on as well. I wish you luck in doing so. 

Thanku! 🙌

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

Yesterday I said that " I do not wish to be friends with an ex. I will cherish all the good memories we had together and I only wish the best for you in life" . She replied with: "That is relatable. Thanks and the same to you"

You just gave yourself the most important gift after a breakup. Things will get easier from here. 

[Keeves1]

Thanku! 🙌

[Foxhall]

4 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

I had issues where I took work home and complained about a colleague that did not respect my boundaries. Maria felt that it was draining her emotionally.

Yes well Im hardly one to be saying to completely forget about ex's, but I think it definitely applies in your case,

you know its good the experience and all gained from being in a relationship with Maria, but people move on and meet more suitable partners along the way,

Just as an aside, what I highlighted there- I sometimes find people latch onto me unloading their crap as it were,

Its good to talk but careful your not wearing the other person out.

 

[Keeves1]

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

Yes well Im hardly one to be saying to completely forget about ex's, but I think it definitely applies in your case,

you know its good the experience and all gained from being in a relationship with Maria, but people move on and meet more suitable partners along the way,

Just as an aside, what I highlighted there- I sometimes find people latch onto me unloading their crap as it were,

Its good to talk but careful your not wearing the other person out.

 

I don’t think I will forget her. There is just something special about the first love. I do care for her and I only wish to see her happy and find the love that she deserves. 

what do you do when people come to you with their problems?

Yeah I cannot talk about my problems all the time.. got to be consistent with it

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

I don’t think I will forget her. There is just something special about the first love. I do care for her and I only wish to see her happy and find the love that she deserves. 

Of course you won't forget her but you will find a woman that is better suited for you and you will experience love deeper than this. Younger people don't know but as we age we love better and deeper. The best is to come.

[Foxhall]

17 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

what do you do when people come to you with their problems?

Evolving although the constant is I have probably always been a good listener,

Evolving in the sense,

A while ago I would just tell people what they wanted to hear,(which ultimately did my own confidence no good)

Nextly- I would make a point of trying to see the issue in a balanced way and not be afraid to disagree with the person I was speaking with. Not being afraid to say No is another area I have improved at.

More recently- maybe do less problem solving- I take a step back from showing much interest at all- (have enough to deal with oneself perhaps without feeling the need to be overly engaged in others problems.

maybe thats why I like this platform to an extent- I can casually observe some problems without having to get overly immersed in them.