Tiktok Video [merged with on topic comments from Gen Z thread]

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, smwia30 said:

We have already discussed this and the topic is still open for further discussion

Well, with all due respect you seem rather ambivalent. In one breath you're worried about breaking her heart if you break up with her and in the next you say how hard you've fallen for her.

So, here's the bottom line, in my opinion.

You're in a relationship with someone way younger than you. You're ambivalent about her. She posted a video that bothered you. The age thing is concerning because you seem to be on different levels of life. You could spend years trying to catch up to one another and it still not work.

Before you get lost in thought, start by talking to your girlfriend. Find out exactly what's going on with this video. You need to know why she would post a video that would so clearly bother you. Are you jealous and reading too much into it? Is she purposely trying to make you jealous or does she not care how you feel about this other man? Once you have that piece of information you can figure out what you need to do next.

In the meantime, start seriously considering how a future with this girl would really look. You've pointed out the problems that come with dating someone so much younger. You have to really take a good look at your true feelings for her and whether you're really on the same page. 

It's too early in the conversation for me to really know if this is love or just lust or infatuation. But in any event, you can't let your emotions take control and allow them to lead you into making a bad dating mistake. You're a man with a lot of experience and you have to learn to use it appropriately so you can make good decisions. Don't let your libido get the better of you. If you want to be a good person and a good partner, you need to make a quick but good decision on how you're going to deal with this. If not, you'll just end up seething over this and you'll have a great, big mess on your hands. That would really be sad for all of you.

Also, think of how one really selfish, careless girlfriend just ruined your relationship with three women. That's just sad to think about. Not just for you, but for all of them. Finally, you want love? Guess who it starts with? You. You have to love yourself before you can truly love Ms. Country Girl. What is causing you to be so attracted to this age group? You haven't updated your profile, but I know what your pictures show. Some women are attracted to money and success. What are you attracted to that you would be so entertained by women so much younger? Are you behind in some of your development somehow? You need to figure that out too, so you can correct any issues you may have for yourself and a new girlfriend.

[ayaj]

57 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not sure what culture/language this is, but you are not her "husband ".  It's very possible college girls make extra money through sugar daddies, OnlyFans and other such means. Not necessarily a generational thing but it's probably more common than you think. Are you providing material and financial support? 

She calls me her "hubby" and says I am her husband to her. I think a lot of what seems weird to people has to do with the cultural difference. Like why am I the bf that her parents approved? And yes I started around Christmas helping her out with some support... in my personal financial situation it is kind of hard to justify not doing it.   

I think I actually understand her culture better than her generation though lol 

Edited January 21 by smwia30

[ayaj]

35 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, with all due respect you seem rather ambivalent. In one breath you're worried about breaking her heart if you break up with her and in the next you say how hard you've fallen for her.

So, here's the bottom line, in my opinion.

You're in a relationship with someone way younger than you. You're ambivalent about her. She posted a video that bothered you. The age thing is concerning because you seem to be on different levels of life. You could spend years trying to catch up to one another and it still not work.

Before you get lost in thought, start by talking to your girlfriend. Find out exactly what's going on with this video. You need to know why she would post a video that would so clearly bother you. Are you jealous and reading too much into it? Is she purposely trying to make you jealous or does she not care how you feel about this other man? Once you have that piece of information you can figure out what you need to do next.

In the meantime, start seriously considering how a future with this girl would really look. You've pointed out the problems that come with dating someone so much younger. You have to really take a good look at your true feelings for her and whether you're really on the same page. 

It's too early in the conversation for me to really know if this is love or just lust or infatuation. But in any event, you can't let your emotions take control and allow them to lead you into making a bad dating mistake. You're a man with a lot of experience and you have to learn to use it appropriately so you can make good decisions. Don't let your libido get the better of you. If you want to be a good person and a good partner, you need to make a quick but good decision on how you're going to deal with this. If not, you'll just end up seething over this and you'll have a great, big mess on your hands. That would really be sad for all of you.

Also, think of how one really selfish, careless girlfriend just ruined your relationship with three women. That's just sad to think about. Not just for you, but for all of them. Finally, you want love? Guess who it starts with? You. You have to love yourself before you can truly love Ms. Country Girl. What is causing you to be so attracted to this age group? You haven't updated your profile, but I know what your pictures show. Some women are attracted to money and success. What are you attracted to that you would be so entertained by women so much younger? Are you behind in some of your development somehow? You need to figure that out too, so you can correct any issues you may have for yourself and a new girlfriend.

Thank you for your advice

[Alpacalia]

26 minutes ago, smwia30 said:

Thank you for your advice

Yes. I can see you've put some thought into it.

Good luck. 😄

[Els]

5 hours ago, smwia30 said:

Yeah when you put it that way I do agree with you. What this girl says to me she either actually wants that or is a lying manipulator.

I actually asked her early in the relationship if she had any "fantasies", apparently her fantasy growing up was something like a rich prince meets poor girl and wants to build a beautiful life together.  

The divorcee thing definitely sucks for me and the fact that she seemed fine with it and completely accepting of me did help the relationship develop.

What she says all really sounds too good to be true to me... but is that really enough reason for me to walk away? I wish she would just make it easy on me and just say things that I don't want to hear. Especially if the things I don't want to hear are the truth.

If you're looking for a relationship, especially as a 30-yo, then why not just make the effort to date age-appropriate women who also have some wealth and prior marriages/relationships of their own? It's like a 30-yo woman wanting to get married but dating 18-yo boys... they're not going to be able to give you the kind of relationship that you want.

I don't think she's necessarily a "lying manipulator". I DO think that she has a LOT of maturing to do, and some failed relationships under her belt, before she's ready for a serious relationship.

[Rider on the Storm]

3 hours ago, smwia30 said:

She calls me her "hubby" and says I am her husband to her. I think a lot of what seems weird to people has to do with the cultural difference. Like why am I the bf that her parents approved? And yes I started around Christmas helping her out with some support... in my personal financial situation it is kind of hard to justify not doing it.   

 

But, let's be honest. Paying this young girl's way has nothing to do with you "helping" her and everything to do with you attempting to groom a young girl for sex. Are you comfortable admitting to this? 

[SurfCity]

3 hours ago, smwia30 said:

And yes I started around Christmas helping her out with some support... in my personal financial situation it is kind of hard to justify not doing it. 

This is your answer. She's with you because you give her money and she doesn't have to see you very often or have sex with you to get it. You're twisting your brain into a pretzel trying to find some way to believe her feelings are genuine.

It's not that she's cheating, it's that her whole generation has a school boyfriend and a play boyfriend and a play husband etc.

It's not that she's cheating, it's that some book said that her whole generation plans their life in advance so that means that she's planning to marry me. 

It's not that she's manipulating me for money, it's that she introduced me to her parents really quickly which for me is a big deal and made me feel like she must be genuine, but for her could be something routine that she's required to do or her conservative parents won't let her leave the house. 

When there's smoke, there's fire and there's plenty of reason to believe that this girl is using you for money.

Edited January 21 by SurfCity

[ayaj]

32 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said:

But, let's be honest. Paying this young girl's way has nothing to do with you "helping" her and everything to do with you attempting to groom a young girl for sex. Are you comfortable admitting to this? 

I am comfortable admitting that so far I am purposely avoiding having sex with the young adult girl and trying to be respectful of her lack of experience. She actually told me she has never had sex before and I am allowed to try to have sex with her when we are alone and when she is ready she will just not stop me... I told her no it does not work that way, you give me permission to do that and we will probably be having sex by the end of the night. My experience allows me to understand my ability in bed and how the heat of the moment works (foreplay) as well as the vulnerability of a younger adult girl. I have actually been the one approaching our interactions avoiding sex, I told her straight up when she is ready she will need to ask me for it directly and ahead of time (no alcohol involved etc) and I have been limiting what I do to avoid her asking for it. I'm probably coming across full of myself again but my experience tells me I am sure "in the moment" I could make her ask for it if I wanted to. I have decided and decided early in the relationship not to do that.  I think if we were having the relationship behind her parent's back I would feel more like the people who seem to be against the relationship.

What I am doing is actually a normal part of the courting process of her culture, just the difference is I have the resources to do it better than most.

 

Edited January 21 by smwia30

[MsJayne]

Regardless of generation, if you’re “helping her out with some support” you’re paying for her company. So, after you saw the online pic of her posing in her school uniform with her “school boyfriend”, she’s come out with some drivel about the different attitudes of her generation to justify the photo’ and now you’re trying to establish whether this is true or if she’s full of it. It’s bad news, she’s full of it. But as she’s still a child, (I don’t know anyone over the age of 16-17 who wears a school uniform), she can’t really be held responsible because you’re manipulating her with “support”.  You need to be careful giving teenage girls “support” in return for spending time with you, it could be misconstrued.  If you stopped giving her “support” I think you wouldn’t see her for dust, and that’s nothing to do with generation-influenced thinking, that’s just a female who sees an easy way to get stuff for free. They start young. I think she’s having a big lend of you. 

[Rider on the Storm]

29 minutes ago, smwia30 said:

I am comfortable admitting that so far I am purposely avoiding having sex with the young adult girl and trying to be respectful of her lack of experience. She actually told me she has never had sex before and I am allowed to try to have sex with her when we are alone and when she is ready she will just not stop me... I told her no it does not work that way, you give me permission to do that and we will probably be having sex by the end of the night. My experience allows me to understand my ability in bed and how the heat of the moment works (foreplay) as well as the vulnerability of a younger adult girl. I have actually been the one approaching our interactions avoiding sex, I told her straight up when she is ready she will need to ask me for it directly and ahead of time (no alcohol involved etc) and I have been limiting what I do to avoid her asking for it. I'm probably coming across full of myself again but my experience tells me I am pretty sure "in the moment" I could make her ask for it if I wanted to. I have decided and decided early in the relationship not to do that.  I think if we were having the relationship behind her parent's back I would feel more like the people who seem to be against the relationship.

What I am doing is actually a normal part of the courting process of her culture, just the difference is I have the resources to do it better than most.

Are you able to outline some reasons for your low self worth which have lead to you wanting to take advantage of barely legal, inexperienced women with cultural barriers? I'm middle aged and have a decent amount of disposable income, but I don't think I'm what's best for an 18 year old. Why do you feel like you are unable to get women without manipulating or buying them? 

Edited January 21 by Rider on the Storm

[Els]

47 minutes ago, smwia30 said:

What I am doing is actually a normal part of the courting process of her culture, just the difference is I have the resources to do it better than most.

I belong to one of the most strongly guy-pays-to-show-interest cultures in the world, and even I can't think of a culture where it's "normal" for a bf of a few months to be literally financially supporting his gf. When you say "help her out", I'm assuming you're not just talking about paying for dates...

At the end of the day, I'm still trying to figure out what exactly happened for you to feel like it's a good idea to have a relationship with a 18-yo girl whom you don't seem to understand or share any core values with at all. Perhaps you should try to work this out with a therapist?

 

Edited January 21 by Els

[ayaj]

3 minutes ago, Els said:

I'm East Asian (which is, to the best of my knowledge, the most strongly guy-pays-to-show-interest group of cultures in the world), and even I can't think of a culture where it's "normal" for a bf of a few months to be literally financially supporting his gf. When you say "help her out", I'm assuming you're not just talking about paying for dates...

At the end of the day, I'm still trying to figure out what exactly happened for you to feel like it's a good idea to have a relationship with a 18-yo girl whom you don't seem to understand or share any core values with at all. Perhaps you should try to work this out with a therapist?

 

I think it is obvious to those in the know that we are talking about some sort of east asian culture here. When I say "help her out" it is more than just paying our expenses on dates but I am not literally financially supporting her at this point nor am I giving her money on a "here is x dollars to meet with me tonight", our time together has no charge or fee to it. She is not an escort and I am not treating her as one. For example I pay for her transportation  to and food while at school, I gave her family money for Chrstmas to add to her families' celebration and things like that.

[Els]

3 minutes ago, smwia30 said:

I think it is obvious to those in the know that we are talking about some sort of east asian culture here. When I say "help her out" it is more than just paying our expenses on dates but I am not literally financially supporting her at this point nor am I giving her money on a "here is x dollars to meet with me tonight", our time together has no charge or fee to it. She is not an escort and I am not treating her as one. For example I pay for her transportation  to and food while at school, I gave her family money for Chrstmas to add to her families' celebration and things like that.

I'm not saying that you're treating her as an escort. I'm saying that it's not normal even in her culture for a bf of a few months to be paying for non-shared expenses. This is obviously a sugar daddy arrangement.

[ayaj]

1 minute ago, Rider on the Storm said:

What do you need to better understand exactly? This is a teenage girl who is likely 10-15 years younger than you. She has a boyfriend. It sounds like cultural or language barriers exist. You’re giving her money under the guise of “I can afford to, so it’s ok”. You’re on a public forum inquiring how you can better manipulate this situation. 
 

Does any of this sound normal or healthy to you? 

Well I have actually lived for an extended period of time (years) previously in the country her parents have immigrated from. What is normal or healthy to someone can be influenced by their life experiences. Not everyone in the world thinks the same way.

[ayaj]

4 minutes ago, Els said:

I'm not saying that you're treating her as an escort. I'm saying that it's not normal even in her culture for a bf of a few months to be paying for non-shared expenses. This is obviously a sugar daddy arrangement.

Are parents of your culture typically okay with their daughter having a sugar daddy? I'm not saying i want to be her sugar daddy and it was not how i was viewing the relationship, but if that is the situation her parents are aware of it.

[ayaj]

3 hours ago, Els said:

If you're looking for a relationship, especially as a 30-yo, then why not just make the effort to date age-appropriate women who also have some wealth and prior marriages/relationships of their own? It's like a 30-yo woman wanting to get married but dating 18-yo boys... they're not going to be able to give you the kind of relationship that you want.

I don't think she's necessarily a "lying manipulator". I DO think that she has a LOT of maturing to do, and some failed relationships under her belt, before she's ready for a serious relationship.

Yes I agree and I will be avoiding my current scenario in the future.

Edited January 21 by smwia30

[ayaj]

I am going to step away from this thread for awhile because there is already an agreement in place with her that should relieve my concerns about her and the nature of our relationship. By the end of next weekend it is likely this relationship will either be over or on its way to lasting a long time. [ ]  I will try to update the result here and share anymore information that I think is relevant.

Edited January 21 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[ExpatInItaly]

The more you write, the more obvious it is that this arrangement is going to crash and burn. 

I hope you make better dating choices in the future, OP. 

[Els]

15 hours ago, smwia30 said:

Are parents of your culture typically okay with their daughter having a sugar daddy? I'm not saying i want to be her sugar daddy and it was not how i was viewing the relationship, but if that is the situation her parents are aware of it.

Some are, some aren't. It's not as taboo as in Western cultures (especially if no sex is actually being exchanged), but of course some are ethically against it.

[Acacia98]

On 1/21/2024 at 6:30 AM, smwia30 said:

It is hard to make sense myself when I too can not fully relate to what is going on. Is it really a relationship/fooling around if she has never kissed this guy or anything?

You've never heard of emotional affairs?

Personally, I think you're putting the cart before the horse. You really don't know this woman. I think you say you've been dating for 8 weeks? That's two months. Not enough time to get a sense of what somebody is really like, let alone determine whether you are compatible.

Frankly, I don't think you're ready to date anyone right now. You don't seem to have processed the end of your previous relationship properly. You're all too ready to blame all of womanhood for any bad choices you end up making if this relationship doesn't work out. I'm referring to the bit where you indicate that, if it turns out this woman is cheating on you, you will cheat in future relationships and it will be women's fault. That's a pretty childish attitude with which to approach a relationship. You must ALWAYS take responsibility for your own actions. Every relationship is a risk. There is always a possibility your heart will be broken. So you must do the best you can to minimize that risk by choosing more suitable dates/girlfriends and taking things slow.

If you must date, you need to slow down. If you must date this woman, do so for at least one year. During that year, you should take time to get a sense of whether you're a good fit for each other. If you see any important signs of incompatibility, then you should break up with her. You need to be clearheaded and to have self-control to be able to do that.

You also need to realize she's very young and is bound to change as she grows older. She may believe she wants to marry you now. But she may come to realize after 9 months that she wants to date more and travel and see the world before settling down. As the older, more experienced person in the relationship, you must understand that this is a possibility.

Edited January 22 by Acacia98

[ayaj]

On 1/22/2024 at 8:17 AM, Acacia98 said:

You've never heard of emotional affairs?

Personally, I think you're putting the cart before the horse. You really don't know this woman. I think you say you've been dating for 8 weeks? That's two months. Not enough time to get a sense of what somebody is really like, let alone determine whether you are compatible.

Frankly, I don't think you're ready to date anyone right now. You don't seem to have processed the end of your previous relationship properly. You're all too ready to blame all of womanhood for any bad choices you end up making if this relationship doesn't work out. I'm referring to the bit where you indicate that, if it turns out this woman is cheating on you, you will cheat in future relationships and it will be women's fault. That's a pretty childish attitude with which to approach a relationship. You must ALWAYS take responsibility for your own actions. Every relationship is a risk. There is always a possibility your heart will be broken. So you must do the best you can to minimize that risk by choosing more suitable dates/girlfriends and taking things slow.

If you must date, you need to slow down. If you must date this woman, do so for at least one year. During that year, you should take time to get a sense of whether you're a good fit for each other. If you see any important signs of incompatibility, then you should break up with her. You need to be clearheaded and to have self-control to be able to do that.

You also need to realize she's very young and is bound to change as she grows older. She may believe she wants to marry you now. But she may come to realize after 9 months that she wants to date more and travel and see the world before settling down. As the older, more experienced person in the relationship, you must understand that this is a possibility.

I agree with what most of what you said. It might not sound like it, but we are actually being very patient and will continue to be. I also understand her age makes it difficult for her to fully understand what a commitment is. As for the traveling the world part, my life experience and tendency to travel the world might be attractive to her if that is what she ends up desiring to do.

I wanted to point out the part where I indicated "if it turns out this woman is cheating on you, you will cheat in future relationships and it will be women's fault"... that was not what I intended to indicate. My intention with that was to indicate that I would no longer be looking for an actual "relationship" (and not lie about it to anyone) in the future and would just separate my physical needs from my emotional needs. 

 

[ayaj]

It has been a little over a week since I started this thread and her and I have been in a good place for a few days now already. Basically the solution was it is going to be more obvious to people that I am her bf. To be honest it seems this experience has strengthened our relationship.

As I am looking back at this thread now, there is just one thing that stands out to me that I had not realized. The day that her and I worked out this issue and put our relationship on track to last a very long time happened to be the anniversary of when I proposed to my ex wife many years ago. This is the first year the date did not occur to me until it had past. I don't really have an opinion on fate as it is not something I have thought much about in the past but it is nice that date can have new meaning to me now.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, smwia30 said:

Basically the solution was it is going to be more obvious to people that I am her bf.

That's good. 

But what is her explanation of the guy in her loved-up posts? I am assuming she clarified what that was all about. 

[basil67]

On 1/27/2024 at 7:31 AM, smwia30 said:

I also understand her age makes it difficult for her to fully understand what a commitment is. 

As the mother to a sensible twenty something girl, who has sensible twenty something friends - all of which are/have been in committed relationships since their late teens - I promise you that girls this age understand exactly what a commitment is and what a committed relationship looks like.   And so do the boys they are in relationships with. 

If a person isn't behaving as one would in a committed relationship, it's because they aren't committed.   

You're just making excuses for her

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, smwia30 said:

Basically the solution was it is going to be more obvious to people that I am her bf.  

Her family met you? To whom does it have to be more obvious you're her BF? And how is that accomplished? Have you resolved who the tiktok mystery man is?