What to do when my boyfriend says he loves me but he can't be with me

[aiessa419]

I met my boyfriend on tinder in October 2021. We spent a year talking over text just as friends and only hung out a couple of times. He is a very isolated person and was very averse to relationships. In October 2022 he invited me out to the bar as I had just recently turned 21. He invited me back to his apartment and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. Nothing has ever been as perfect as we are. He seemed so aloof when we talked as just friends, but he was  the most caring and sweet person once we got together. He told me he had never been so happy before and that I taught him about love and changed the way he sees himself and the world. I have never clicked with someone like I have him. We were so happy and even if we had a disagreement, he always remained calm and encouraged me to talk about how I was feeling. He was always interested in my hobbies, he encouraged me to go back to school, and was my number one supporter. We had so much fun together, when we were together everything in the world felt okay. We were best friends. I know he truly truly loves me and he would have done anything for me. He was so loyal.  He has very strict rules about respect in a relationship. He took it very seriously. We went on a three day trip for my birthday this year and everything went great. We almost always get along. We share the exact same taste in music and media. We have the same views on not wanting children, religion, and politics. Everyone around us revered us for how perfect we were together. I remember one of my friends saying that is we ever broke up she wouldn't believe in love anymore. He never pressured me to do anything I don't want and treated me the best anyone could. He never did anything wrong. 

 

We had a designated day once a week that we spent together. He needs a lot of alone time and while that bothered me some, I learned to adapt to that and I respected it. If there was a special event on the weekend we would go together, it wasn't always just once a week. We texted all day every day and never got tired of each other. He wrote songs for me and performed them at our local venues and always mentioned me. He was never embarrassed of me. He brought me around his friends and his mom and they all loved me. His mother told me she had never seen him so happy before. I could not have asked for a better man. We are both artists and we would make things for each other and he truly treasured them. 

 

The only thing was that he would very rarely open up to me about anything and even if he did talk about his past it was in a very matter of fact way. He just said what happened but never how he felt about it. The only times he would express real feeling was the love he had for me or his cat or if someone at work had upset him. He has this mindset that if you can't change something, you shouldn't let it bother you and you should just move on. He is very independent and from everything I had seen he was very put together. Nothing ever truly bothered him deeply. He did share with me that he has bipolar disorder and had self harmed and been in a psychiatric facility during his teenage years. He never let on like these things truly bothered him anymore and that he had somehow found a way to deal with it. On occasion he would have a few days or so that he would feel "weird" and that he wanted to be alone for. I respected this and tried to understand what he was feeling but all he ever said was that he felt down or blue or just plain weird with no reasoning. I could understand that, I get that too. He was always interested in hearing about my feelings and tried to help me through them. I just didn't feel like we every talked about real serious things when it came to him. The beginning of December after celebrating our one year anniversary in October I brought this up to him. I told him that it felt shallow and superficial. He agreed and he told me that there just seems to be some wall between him and everyone and that he feels "far away" from people. He said that he knows he loves me but wasn't sure if he was enough for him. I was certain that we could work it out thought and after having an in person talk things felt better.

 

Now, this week after having our weekly hang out I had gotten upset about him telling me that on occasion he looks at porn on reddit to jerk off to. This made me feel very insecure and I called him on the phone later after leaving his house to try and talk it out. Admittedly, I got a little heated and expressed how much this hurt me. He started to sound different and was just saying over and over "I don't know what to do" and that this was too much for him. I could hear how freaked out he was in his voice.  I suggested I come over so that we could hug and we could talk in person as that always seems to help things. I was nervous on my way over, but I never expected what would happen. 

 

As soon as I sat down he told me this wasn't working for him. He said it wasn't right anymore. He told me it wasn't about the porn and that he understood my feelings about that and that it wasn't respectful for him to do. I think that my emotional outburst finally was too much for him. He told me things just hadn't felt right since I brought up the relationship feeling shallow. He said that it was true and that he had been trying, but he just can't fully connect with me. He again brought up the idea of there being a wall between him and everyone else, even his mom. He said that I feel "a million miles away" although I am his best friend and that he loves me more than anyone in the world. he said that he has never been as close to someone as he has to me, but he feels like he has a part missing or is a robot of some type because he just can't connect. I know his relationship with his father was very traumatic as a child and there were periods of time where he didn't speak to him for years. I can't help, but think this has something to do with the way he is. He told me its better if he's alone and that he needs to be alone and away from people. He then expressed that he expereienced suicidal ideation every single day and that he is very unhappy. This came as a complete shock to me as he never lets on like this and is always tlaking about how bessed he feels to have a great job, have great firneds, and a girlfriend he loves. I just feel that this is worth fighting for. What we have is special and he agreed with me on that. He told me I was the sweetest girl in the world and no one had ever made him feeli like me and that yes, he was happy when we were together, but not in a "substantial" way. I'm just not sure waht any of this means. I've been trying to do research on waht might be wrong with him, but nothing is like him. He isn't cold and mean. He is warm and kind and I just don't understand. I don't know how to go about this. This came out of the blue and I'm not sure how to go on. I know that we are meant to be together. He says that we are too, but he's just too weird. He says he tried so hard, but he never talked to me about htis. I feel that there is something worth fighting for here. What do I do now?  

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, aiessa419 said:

Now, this week after having our weekly hang out I had gotten upset about him telling me that on occasion he looks at porn on reddit to jerk off to. This made me feel very insecure and I called him on the phone later after leaving his house to try and talk it out. Admittedly, I got a little heated and expressed how much this hurt me.

For half your story you talk about how he never opened up to you and when he does open up you blow up at him. So you meant you only wanted him to open up on what would not hurt you? and the rest he should not open up. 

When we ask someone to open up we have to accept we may not like what we're gonna hear and we have to handle it calmly because if we don't that person will shut down and good luck having them re-open.

Every man look at porn occasionally. If you want a man that doesn't, good luck! They do that to release sexual tension. It's not cheating and it's not being pervert. NO 21 yo will date you if they're not allowed to release sexual tension on their own. 

Let him go. There is no such a thing as you're made for each other. He suffers from mental illness, you cannot fix this for him. Go get yourself a  boyfriend that will take you out, that will make you laugh and be fun to be with. This is WAY too much drama for a 21 year old. 

Edited January 19 by Gaeta

[ShyViolet]

If he really wanted to be with you, he would be.  He ended the relationship and you need to accept that.  You are kidding yourself if you think you can "fight" for the relationship.  It would be a one-sided fight because he has already made his decision.  You seriously need to stop psycho-analyzing him and thinking that you can help with his mental health.  You are not his therapist and it's not your place to analyze him or try to fix his problems.  The bottom line is that he isn't able to be in a relationship with you, or perhaps with anyone right now and one way or another you are going to have no choice but to accept that.

[MsJayne]

Sorry to hear you're in this situation, I feel for you. Is you BF on medication for his bi-polar disorder and does he have regular contact with mental health support? From your description of his situation I'm guessing that there's a lot more to the story of his father and he's been through extreme psychological trauma, and possibly lives with complex PTSD. If this is what's going on it would explain why he needs to be alone a lot of the time, why he experiences frequent suicidal thoughts, and also why he's backing out of the relationship because of his sense of isolation and the probable belief that he's a burden to you. When you told him the relationship felt shallow he's possibly taken that on board as him not being enough for you, which would add fuel to his belief that he's a burden. On the upside, he's confided in you, which shows a lot of trust. It seems odd that he's invested so much in the relationship and is now backing out, and I would take it as a worrying sign that he may not be coping as well as he appears to be. I don't want to be an alarmist, but I suggest confronting him and, in a kind but straightforward way, ask him if he's thinking of suicide. Ask the question in such a way that it can't be misconstrued or avoided, (ie: don't ask if he's thinking of harming himself, that's a different question). Also be careful how you word it, eg: don't say something like, "You're not thinking of doing something silly, are you?", don't minimise his situation or imply that he's foolish for feeling suicidal as that can do a lot of damage and create further distance between you. Most of all reassure him that you're there for him and reinforce that you don't want to lose him, and don't breach his trust by telling other people what's going on with him unless he gives you permission to talk about it with someone else. It's an uncomfortable conversation , (I had it recently with a friend I was worried about), but it can open the door for him to confide in you on a deeper level. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, aiessa419 said:

 He then expressed that he expereienced suicidal ideation every single day and that he is very unhappy. 

He doesn't want you judging and policing his porn and masturbation habits. Sorry to say he's too severely mentally ill and unstable to have a relationship and you're in way over your head. He has friends and family and doctors, so please leave him alone.

It's not a "shock" at all that he has suicidal ideation since he's been hospitalized for that before.  Please step back. Beating him up about the porn really didn't help matters. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, aiessa419 said:

The only thing was that he would very rarely open up to me about anything and even if he did talk about his past it was in a very matter of fact way. He just said what happened but never how he felt about it. The only times he would express real feeling was the love he had for me or his cat or if someone at work had upset him. He has this mindset that if you can't change something, you shouldn't let it bother you and you should just move on.

This is my normal.  My husband and I are both like this.  

OK, we might express our feelings if there is something current.  "this work thing is so frustrating" "that person annoys me so much".  And we have both shared memories which make us happy (my husband knows exactly where my ashes need to go for my happy place as a child)  But I do not want to go poking around in historical feelings which are negative, rehashing them for no reason and upsetting myself.  It's bad enough that I may think of them at 2 am when the brain does replays of all the stupid things ever said/done, so I'm sure not gonna rehash it by choice.  Thing is, if a partner does share a negative story, it doesn't take much imagination to guess how they felt, so there's no need to go making them express those feelings.  And my husband actually taught me the concept that if it can't be changed, don't waste emotional energy on it.  Learning to do this is a great thing.

I'm concerned that he's taken your comments too hard.  He's already feeling like he's different, and your comments have made him feel more different...and wrong.   But there's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping old feelings to ourselves.  I know he's your ex now, but given his fragile mental health, I think you need to undo this and let him know that he's actually normal, and you didn't understand the concept of not sharing old feelings. 

Edit to add: Quite often, feelings are implied.  If I tell you I was bullied in grade school, I shouldn't have to express my feelings about it because those feelings are implied.  If someone tells you they had an abusive parent, again, the feelings are implied.  Of course they felt bad - they just don't need to go hashing around finding more words

Edited January 19 by basil67

[FMW]

There was nothing wrong with you bringing up your feelings about the relationship, but I think, as has been suggested, it made him feel he wasn't going to be able to meet your expectations and he just doesn't have the bandwidth to do more, at least not at this moment.  Partly because this is just how he handles things. Partly because he's struggling.

As far as what to do- if you want to continue the relationship, back off and see how he handles things for himself.  You can't control how he handles things, including what he chooses to talk about.  Be there to listen, not critique. But you can certainly choose what you do, whether you stick it out or move on. 

Mental illnesses are never cured, just sometimes more manageable than others.  

 

 

[d0nnivain]

His has a history of serious mental health problems.  Nobody institutionalizes a teen for being moody.   That stuff doesn't just magically go away after a stay in the hospital.  It needs a lifetime of monitoring.  If he is not in therapy now, he needs to be. 

Someone with mental health issues has these walls & they never feel good enough.  They have little to know self confidence & zero self esteem.  So when you asked for more, his default setting is to run away.  That will ALWAYS be his response.  Every fight will be him saying you deserve better & trying to run away.  On some level it's a test.  On some level he's subconsciously  hoping for validation of his belief that he's not good enough & everybody leaving him. 

You might want to try writing him a short letter.  Tell him you love & care about him & you want to help him get to a place where he can knock down his walls to experience true love.  None of this will happen if he doesn't have the right therapist.  You, his GF, cannot love him through this.  He needs a mental health professional  

If he won't get therapy & doesn't respond by doing his part to keep you two together then you have to accept that he was lying to you when he said he loves you.  He doesn't love you enough to try.  Actions matter; words are easy. 

The porn thing was a BS red herring.  Porn is everywhere.  It's ridiculous to assume people don't look.  When you try to make demands that your partner not use porn you simply set yourself up for heartache & failure.  It's one of the only issues where burying your head in the sand is the way to go.  What you don't know won't upset you.  Ignore his porn use as long as your sex life is otherwise fulfilling to you.  If he's picking images over actual sex, that is problem.  

[ExpatInItaly]

I feel for you, OP. Many of us have had a boyfriend (or love interest) that we tried to hang on to well past the expiration date. 

This guy is not The One. You are not made for each other, so you would be best to let go of that idea. He doesn't want to continue the relationship, so regardless of his mental health issues, you need to respect his choice. 

At 21, this man was not it for you. You will find a better relationship once you have healed from this one, and in time you will probably see that this one was not that wonderful. 

Edited January 21 by ExpatInItaly