Relationship ending?

[Placebeyondthepines]

Hi everyone,

Been in this relationship for two years now (both 38) and things were great until last June when my SO was promoted. Since then, slowly stress took over her. First we delayed permanently our desire to move in together, then she slowly became distant when it comes to intimacy. She reached a level close to burnout.
During this period I was trying my best to be supportive, but without any luck, she couldn't see I was there for her. I didn't try to fix things, just been there.
Sure, there was a frustration building in me also because of that, because we reached a level where she couldn't stay 1 minute hugged in bed with me.
After yesterday being awful, I confronted her, told her some things like she needs to understand she is not alone in this and I have feelings too and this is not doing any good. We've been talking about this since Christmas because we failed to enjoy our vacation.
So, after a talk, she said: She needs to get better on her own, as much as it hurts.
My heart sank. I left her appartment with my things and she didn't try to stop me. So here I am, crying my eyes out.

A little background: there isn't someone else and never was. She is fighting some sort of depression, almost tried to end things a decade ago. I am saying some sort of depression because she doesn't have a proper diagnostic or she never told me. She is doing therapy, but I don't know if it helps her, I've never seen any type of progress since we've been together, so either she is not taking the advices or the therapist is not helping her that much. She is not taking any pills from my knowledge.

I understand what she told me, I really do, but she let me go, she didn't put up a fight and it hurts.

[Placebeyondthepines]

I did reach out, asked her why did she let me leave? Why when it means I am not coming back.
her response: you know why, I don't understand why are you asking me this, to feel guiltier that I feel or to make myself doubt my decision

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

I did reach out, asked her why did she let me leave? Why when it means I am not coming back.
her response: you know why, I don't understand why are you asking me this, to feel guiltier that I feel or to make myself doubt my decision

I don't understand why you asked her that, either. 

She had broken up with you, if I understand correctly. It makes sense that you were hurt and wanted to leave her home. Why would she have stopped you? I know you wanted her to do so, but she ended your relationship. She didn't want to give you false hope by convincing you to stay. 

This has been on a downward trajectory for a while. Whether her work stress or depression (or something else) is behind it doesn't make any real difference, from a practical point of view. She still opted to end it. Her increasing distance over the last several months is evidence that she knew this wasn't right for her anymore. 

I am very sorry. It's an awful feeling when we realize the other person doesn't want to be with us any longer. Please take good care of yourself now. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't understand why you asked her that, either. 

I did that to make sure she understand what this means. Is not me going and coming back. I gave her my all, my everything. If she wants that, I am not coming back in 2-3 weeks. I am done.

The thing is, what she did lately is not the steps of someone who know "this isn't right". Here is an example: near the holidays she received a mail from work at 6 p.m., when her shift ended, and she had to do something asap. I couldn't get near hear the end of the night, she was fumming. This happenened multiple times.

Last night, everything started when she came to bed and while she was undressing I was telling her she is beautiful and sexy. She responded she is fat and ugly (she is not) and I am lying to myself in believing that. I asked her to respect what I am feeling and from that a discussion started that went on this morning and ended up with her saying she needs to face this alone.

[an0nym0us123]

I have heard stuff like this before when being dumped "I need to fix myself", "I need to find myself" bla bla. In otherwords she's found someone else. Puting herself down by saying she is fat and ugly is another technique used by people to get rid of you, or telling you you "deserve better than me"

Display strength and run for the hills.

Edited January 21 by an0nym0us123

[Placebeyondthepines]

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6 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

I have heard stuff like this before when being dumped "I need to fix myself", "I need to find myself" bla bla. In otherwords she's found someone else. Puting herself down by saying she is fat and ugly is another technique used by people to get rid of you, or telling you you "deserve better than me"

Display strength and run for the hills.

I can 100% guarantee she did not find anyone else. We live 15 minutes away from each other by feet, we see each other daily, she doesn't t hide the phone.

There isn't a chance in the world there is someone else.

[an0nym0us123]

You might be right, bit I've been there and heard that kind of stuff and it was someone else. 

However you have been given your marching orders so stay silent. Silence is the strongest possible message you can send

[d0nnivain]

Something is up with her & she doesn't like herself.  She's burned out from stress.  She sees herself as fat & ugly.  Depression can do that to a person.  

You have to let her go.  She doesn't have the energy or self esteem to fight for the relationship.  She has nothing to offer you becaue she's barely holding on.  

[Placebeyondthepines]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Something is up with her & she doesn't like herself.  She's burned out from stress.  She sees herself as fat & ugly.  Depression can do that to a person.  

You have to let her go.  She doesn't have the energy or self esteem to fight for the relationship.  She has nothing to offer you becaue she's barely holding on.  

I think all of this is the case and It feels like I am stuck in a room that closing on me.

I don't understand it. I don't get it how we ended up here, was it because of me? Or I didn't have a chance? I love her, I am trying to make it work and be right next to her. Why isn't she doing the same? I don't understand how she can barely hold on, like you mention, and don't have some desire to fight. 

I don't know, If a love somebody I don't plan to let that person feel like crap and let him go out of my life.

[Placebeyondthepines]

I don't have self-esteem issues, but I feel hopeless, like I am too old to find love and there is no one out there. When I ws younger I did not have this issue to go out, meet new people, Tinder etc. Now I don't feel that. I feel hopeless because I gave it my best. I really did.

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

I love her, I am trying to make it work and be right next to her. Why isn't she doing the same? I don't understand how she can barely hold on, like you mention, and don't have some desire to fight. 

I don't know, If a love somebody I don't plan to let that person feel like crap and let him go out of my life.

Neither does anybody else. She has fallen out of love with you and her actions are showing just that.  That maybe why she tried to leave you before; but now with the job stress she can't deal with you too.  I agree with the poster who said the "I need to fix me" and "I need to be alone" are excuses to end a relationship.  I shamefully admit I've used it myself to slip out of a relationship.  Whether she's interested in someone else or not I don't know, but that is usually what follows those types of excuses to leave a relationship.

[Placebeyondthepines]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Neither does anybody else. She has fallen out of love with you and her actions are showing just that.  That maybe why she tried to leave you before; but now with the job stress she can't deal with you too.  I agree with the poster who said the "I need to fix me" and "I need to be alone" are excuses to end a relationship.  I shamefully admit I've used it myself to slip out of a relationship.  Whether she's interested in someone else or not I don't know, but that is usually what follows those types of excuses to leave a relationship.

But she didn't try to leave me in the past. 

I have no problem with falling out of live with me, I get that, I understand life, but she never said that, not in a moment. I asked her: why don't you want us to stay in bed, just chill, just relax. Relax: Because I am not fine with myself. 

Why? Just say you want something else and I swear I understand. But she never did.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

She is fighting some sort of depression, almost tried to end things a decade ago.

^This is where I got that she tried to leave you in the past.

2 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

But she didn't try to leave me in the past. 

I have no problem with falling out of live with me, I get that, I understand life, but she never said that, not in a moment. I asked her: why don't you want us to stay in bed, just chill, just relax. Relax: Because I am not fine with myself. 

Why? Just say you want something else and I swear I understand. But she never did.

Women and some men rarely come right out and tell you the real reason they want to end it.  The reason is they care enough about you to not want to hurt you.  So they use vague excuses to break up.  Her not wanting to be held by you in bed is an indication.  If would seem that because she's so stressed out, she would welcome being in your arms for a while and to be comforted by the man she loves.  Instead, she pushes you away and doesn't want your affection, which is telling.

[Placebeyondthepines]

Just now, stillafool said:

^This is where I got that she tried to leave you in the past.

No, I meant suicide, sadly.

We were together just two years. Years when I realized she was a loner, by that I mean she had work and me, no friends. 

The second part of your post, makes completly sense, but from the start she was like this. She was like a cat.

Just when she got the promotion things really went bad bad. Imagine we had a night ruined because she was upset because her work is not something she is proud to do and she is wants to do something good for the world. So she moaned about it, but didn't do anything to make it better. So I tried to hug her and she shoved me off.

[an0nym0us123]

34 minutes ago, stillafool said:

^This is where I got that she tried to leave you in the past.

Women and some men rarely come right out and tell you the real reason they want to end it.  The reason is they care enough about you to not want to hurt you.  So they use vague excuses to break up.  Her not wanting to be held by you in bed is an indication.  If would seem that because she's so stressed out, she would welcome being in your arms for a while and to be comforted by the man she loves.  Instead, she pushes you away and doesn't want your affection, which is telling.

This^

Normally women I've been with who are stressed and want you, WANT to be held and supported. 

Op you will tear yourself apart trying to figure out what her actions and words mean, been there done that. At one point I was so bad I felt like I had brain damage.

You also seem to be fearful that there no one else out there for you, although it's hard not to think like that you are operating from a position of fear and it will make you do the wrong things like chase after her.

You need to be strong and move forward, if she reaches out, unless she specifically says she want to talk, just tell her that although it would be nice to talk you are moving on and ask not to be contacted. 

Can guarantee that she will feel conforted if she knows she has you dangling on a piece of string where she can have you if she wants you. 

You have to do the opposite of what seems right, which is to walk away. Walking away and meaning it is the strongest negotiating position.

Personally I have got back together with people after being dumped and it was never the same again so consider if you think its worth it if the opportunity arises. 

 

[Placebeyondthepines]

4 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said:

This^

Normally women I've been with who are stressed and want you, WANT to be held and supported. 

Op you will tear yourself apart trying to figure out what her actions and words mean, been there done that. At one point I was so bad I felt like I had brain damage.

You also seem to be fearful that there no one else out there for you, although it's hard not to think like that you are operating from a position of fear and it will make you do the wrong things like chase after her.

You need to be strong and move forward, if she reaches out, unless she specifically says she want to talk, just tell her that although it would be nice to talk you are moving on and ask not to be contacted. 

Can guarantee that she will feel conforted if she knows she has you dangling on a piece of string where she can have you if she wants you. 

You have to do the opposite of what seems right, which is to walk away. Walking away and meaning it is the strongest negotiating position.

Personally I have got back together with people after being dumped and it was never the same again so consider if you think its worth it if the opportunity arises. 

 

Thank you.

Yeah, at the moment my head it's exploding because not even 10 hours passed since it happen. I went on a long walk in the snow to clear my head, did not help. I am hoping she will video call me later like she does every night.

If I can I want to detail it a bit more, because, yeah, you are right, not having the answear is breaking my heart because I doesn't make sense for me.

- She is fighting depression for a few years ago, depression that made her a loner. She has work and me. No notable friends to confort her, nothing like that.

- Last summer she got the promotion and things went bad: sex was less, she was stressed, she didn't make plans anymore, she was upset we are not doing anything, but when I suggest things she declines them.

- She got 5kg more, she is very fit and good looking. So she started to feel ugly and things like that.

- Lately, I confronted her about this issues, but she was not keen to talk. When I expressed my concerns or needs, she was not empathic. 

- When we don't see physically each other for a few days, when we meet she is super caring for a a few hours, then she goes back to her depressing state.

- Since the NYE we had a lot of discussions about this subject. I've told her it feels like crap being rejected by the person you love.

 

So yea, did I push her? What was I supposed to do, to keep my feelings hidden?

I've never gotten back with someone after a relationship ended because If I was the dumped one I couldn' forget what I felt that time. And someone who dumps you once will do it again.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Lately, I confronted her about this issues, but she was not keen to talk. When I expressed my concerns or needs, she was not empathic. since the NYE we had a lot of discussions about this subject. I've told her it feels like crap being rejected by the person you love.

Sorry this happened. Please give her the space she needs. It's important not to suffocate someone this much with your "needs". Unfortunately her only recourse to get some breathing room, was to ask you to leave.

Please try to have empathy for others, especially her mental health instead of trying to fix and change her so she can attend to all your needs.

Edited January 21 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

I know this is tough for you but she has chosen to put her mental health and wellbeing first. Sometimes the only way to do that is to cut the current ties. It sounds like she has been dealing with this for a long time and needs to prioritize her own mental health for now. Her mental health is not your responsibility, and you shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to "fix" things.

In the end, only she knows what is best for her and it is important to respect her decision. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

[Placebeyondthepines]

18 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I know this is tough for you but she has chosen to put her mental health and wellbeing first. Sometimes the only way to do that is to cut the current ties. It sounds like she has been dealing with this for a long time and needs to prioritize her own mental health for now. Her mental health is not your responsibility, and you shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to "fix" things.

In the end, only she knows what is best for her and it is important to respect her decision. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

I would be extremly happy if that is the case. Honestly. But she was dealing with this all of her life.

But while you wrote that, I remembered something she said: she said she need to dig a hole, a big one for her, then she can climb up from that and keeps on happening all through her life. She mentioned hugging her is not something that helps her, but being distant, because that helps - Does it make any sense? Because for me it doesn't.

I never wanted to fix her. I wanted for her to know I am there for her and for us.

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

I wanted for her to know I am there for her and for us.

I know you did but she's talking about some pretty heavy stuff, about her, herself, her feelings.

It's about her, going to take care things often on her own, do it in her way, where there're no shortcuts. It sounds like she's just discovered all of a sudden she can't keep up with her own past version of this, and things are catching up to her and maybe she thinks it's just a bit too complex to parse out to somebody else at this stage.

Could she have met someone else? Sure. Could it be that she's just no longer in love? Yup. Could it be she's off on some other secret stuff...maybe, but why make it more complicated than it is?

Consider yourself lucky this has made itself clear at such an early stage comparatively.

Edited January 21 by Alpacalia

[Placebeyondthepines]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

I know you did but she's talking about some pretty heavy stuff, about her, herself, her feelings.

It's about her, going to take care things often on her own, do it in her way, where there're no shortcuts. It sounds like she's just discovered all of a sudden she can't keep up with her own past version of this, and things are catching up to her and maybe she thinks it's just a bit too complex to parse out to somebody else at this stage.

Could she have met someone else? Sure. Could it be that she's just no longer in love? Yup. Could it be she's off on some other secret stuff...maybe, but why make it more complicated than it is?

Consider yourself lucky this has made itself clear at such an early stage comparatively.

No chance of meeting someone else. Her routine was work then my place or hers with me. We wouldn't see each other just one day per week. 

Could not longer be in love? My closest logical explanation. She couldn't get herself to tell me that so she acted that way to make me break up with her, but I didn't so here we are. But I mentioned this in the past, not directly, but implied it. And she dismised it.

She told me she had the tools to make her better but doesn't have the desire, needs the fuel. 

So I want to ask, and I am sorry if it sounds stupid or I am deluded: But the pain on breaking up with me was the fuel she needed to pull herself together? 

Or I am lying to myself?

[Alpacalia]

53 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

But the pain on breaking up with me was the fuel she needed to pull herself together? 

Sometimes, yes. And I only say that because, albeit, I was in my twenties at the time, I felt I needed to branch out and not be in a relationship anymore and I was honest with myself and my partner at the time because it was too tumultuous and hard to admit that I just, felt like I may need some freedom this stage in life, and maybe, the relationship had run it's course.

Ending that relationship gave me clarity. It let me reassess my entire life and come to the realization that that particular relationship had run its course.

My advice is to pick yourself up and move on. You gave it a shot, you cared, you said what you needed to - ball's pretty much in her court right now.

If she ignores that fact, that may just mean that's her resolution even as hard as that is to swallow. You can't force someone to make changes within themselves that they don't want to unfortunately, not even for the sake of the ones they care about most. 

She made it clear that she has some personal struggles to deal with on her own, so, let her, imo. I mean, I made virtually the same speech your SO made, literally. That I just "needed time" to be myself and work my own personal problems out and then I'd reassess things afterwards. Sometimes that takes years and years, sometimes that never finishes. It's a personal journey. 

Just try to let it go. As liberating as it is to tell her what you think... Just tell her when you know what YOU'RE going to do for the sake of your own best interests next. Because right now it sounds a lot like you're waiting on her decision and that's not really a fair fight for you. You need to be unbeholden. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

@Alpacalia

To be honest. I was hoping she will reach out and give me a sign. But she didn't so far and most likely will not tonight.

So no sign is actually a sign. Not the one I was hoping for, but I can't deny it.

[Alpacalia]

When I broke up with BF at the time. He started dating a woman about 4-5 months later. I was really happy for him. That meant he was moving on. I think I stayed single for a few years after that. Sure I dated here and there but I wanted to be on my own.

Careful what you wish for, eh?

[Placebeyondthepines]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

When I broke up with BF at the time. He started dating a woman about 4-5 months later. I was really happy for him. That meant he was moving on. I think I stayed single for a few years after that. Sure I dated here and there but I wanted to be on my own.

Careful what you wish for, eh?

From what I understand from her, I am the second longest relationship. She didn't manage to keep hold of relationship.

The first longest was with a guy she met and moved into another country to live with him, without dating him, into his home. It was a disaster, but they lasted 2.5 years. And before me she had a thing with a younger guy, 20-21 something for 6 months.