Relationship ending?

[SurfCity]

40 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

last year there were issues with my place where I rent because of heat and water. But the whole county had them.

How often were you showering? Were you not brushing your teeth and combing your hair? What did she mean by not taking care of yourself? What does heat and water at your apartment have to do with not going to the gym? 

40 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

(she drives and her explanation is ok but what happens if I feel sick).

What was your response? She wanted to know what would happen if she got sick and couldn't drive, did you have an answer? 

Was she driving you everywhere? That's very unattractive. If you've made the decision to not drive, then you need to take responsibility for getting yourself where you need to go with public transportation or ride shares. Relying on your gf to drive you everywhere would be really annoying and it's understandable why she asked you over and over to get it fixed. 

Edited January 23 by SurfCity

[Placebeyondthepines]

15 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

How often were you showering? Were you not brushing your teeth and combing your hair? What did she mean by not taking care of yourself? What does heat and water at your apartment have to do with not going to the gym? 

What was your response? She wanted to know what would happen if she got sick and couldn't drive, did you have an answer? 

Was she driving you everywhere? That's very unattractive. If you've made the decision to not drive, then you need to take responsibility for getting yourself where you need to go with public transportation or ride shares. Relying on your gf to drive you everywhere would be really annoying and it's understandable why she asked you over and over to get it fixed. 

Of course I was showering and taking care of myself. That is not the issue. She was annoyed I didn't move out from there, but I explained to her why it did not happen yet. She couldn't understand that I did not move out from there because I wanted to see if we moved together and those from above. I remember the first times she came to my house she said she never seen a man's house cleaner than mine. And I kept that way also.

No, she never drived me anywhere. Like stepping in the car and going places I want to go. She drived when we were going out, leaving the city and so on. I've never asked her to take me somewhere. When I moved things I asked my friends for help and she was a bit down because I didn't ask her to. I finally did it when I moved my mother two weeks ago, just because she mentioned that before and guess what, she seemed not super happy to do that and help me carry some stuff. 

So no, never asked her hey babe, I need you to drive me there or there. I usually take care of business.

I didn't response to her "asking me if she got sick". Early on in the relationship I made clear that aspect. Later on her parents were pushing me to do that (her parents I got the sense they liked me very much, always treated me like their own, but kept on pushing this). I don't want to drive to be a menace and create problems and I've taken full responsability of that.

Edited January 23 by Placebeyondthepines

[Acacia98]

15 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Yeah, I am listening to some concerts that usually make me feel good, but also with the side eye looking at my phone hoping I see a notification poping up. 

You can address this particular problem very easily. Block her everywhere. That way, you will know for sure that no notifications are coming your way and you'll stop waiting for them.

2 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Also she mentioned I am not taking care of myself because I am not working out anymore. I still look good, did not gain weight, I did not have the time to do that lately. 

Working out or activity in general is important. Perhaps you should start doing that again. I think it'll help you feel better as long as you're not overdoing it. 

Also, in the future, consider getting a driving license just so that you have it handy if you ever need to drive. But it's okay to choose not to drive for safety reasons.

I do find it interesting that she was giving you advice on living a healthier life and addressing outstanding problems (as she saw them) but neglecting to do the same things herself. I think she would have done well to make healthier choices for her physical and mental health and to try to switch to a career that was more in keeping with her conscience.

[Placebeyondthepines]

5 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Working out or activity in general is important. Perhaps you should start doing that again. I think it'll help you feel better as long as you're not overdoing it. 

Also, in the future, consider getting a driving license just so that you have it handy if you ever need to drive. But it's okay to choose not to drive for safety reasons.

I do find it interesting that she was giving you advice on living a healthier life and addressing outstanding problems (as she saw them) but neglecting to do the same things herself. I think she would have done well to make healthier choices for her physical and mental health and to try to switch to a career that was more in keeping with her conscience.

1. I stopped working out earlier last year. My grandmother died and I started renovating her place and going on a nostalgia trip in that apartment where I grew up as a kid. It was an emotional trip then the whole renovation was difficult, like all of them are. So next I started making calculation about renovating the other which I've started last week. So there was no time for that, but was doing that next. I did not refuse to do it, I just made a timeline for me which I want to follow because renovating this one will be done by me and can be exhausting. Basically after work or between mail I am doing stuff there. 

2. She had my full support if she wanted to get away from this career and try something else. Told her do what you love babe, just what makes you happier.

I've started deleting our pics, of course it's a rollercoaster, but I am looking at the difference of her face since the promotion. Until then I've had couple pictures together or her laughing. Since the promotion, we barely had couple pictures and when she is alone in them she doesn't smile.

 

[Placebeyondthepines]

Just spoke with hopefully my future therapist. She is going to see me monday evening.

[Placebeyondthepines]

So, last night before going to sleep I decided to write her an email.

I know It's stupid I am weak at the moment, but I felt I needed to tell her some things. Not beg, not ask for to come back, to meet or things like that.

There was a lot of happiness in this relationship for both sides, not just me and I don't want to have the last interaction together with me leaving my bags, being super pissed off, and that exchange of messages. I wanted to speak my mind. I found it fair because of these years together. 

So anyway, told her that I am sorry we ended up here, that maybe I didn't know how to handle her depression. Did not talk about us at all. Thanked her for the good memories and wished her to take care of herself. Sent it close to midnight, hoping she was sleeping.

I don't expect an answer. I feel like I've said what I needed and took something from my chest.

[Placebeyondthepines]

Yeah, blockchain analysis. Best tip to get over a heartbreak 😄

[Alpacalia]

51 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Yeah, blockchain analysis. Best tip to get over a heartbreak 😄

😄

3 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

So, last night before going to sleep I decided to write her an email.

I know It's stupid I am weak at the moment, but I felt I needed to tell her some things. Not beg, not ask for to come back, to meet or things like that.

There was a lot of happiness in this relationship for both sides, not just me and I don't want to have the last interaction together with me leaving my bags, being super pissed off, and that exchange of messages. I wanted to speak my mind. I found it fair because of these years together. 

So anyway, told her that I am sorry we ended up here, that maybe I didn't know how to handle her depression. Did not talk about us at all. Thanked her for the good memories and wished her to take care of herself. Sent it close to midnight, hoping she was sleeping.

I don't expect an answer. I feel like I've said what I needed and took something from my chest.

Sometimes it's those last little words that helps give us a little push to help us start to not just feel better but to start the healing process.

Keep on pushing through, I promise you things will start to look better soon.

The rest will fall in place and boom!

 

[Placebeyondthepines]

9 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

😄

Sometimes it's those last little words that helps give us a little push to help us start to not just feel better but to start the healing process.

Keep on pushing through, I promise you things will start to look better soon.

The rest will fall in place and boom!

 

Thank you.

Today I took myself on a shopping trip, bought something and I really felt sexy in that. Gave me a really good vibe. Gonna have dinner with some friends in a few hours and play with my favorite dog, so I reckon is going to be nice. The reason I am meeting them is to tell them what happened and hear their thoughts. Hopefully is going to be a good night for me.

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Thank you.

Today I took myself on a shopping trip, bought something and I really felt sexy in that. Gave me a really good vibe. Gonna have dinner with some friends in a few hours and play with my favorite dog, so I reckon is going to be nice. The reason I am meeting them is to tell them what happened and hear their thoughts. Hopefully is going to be a good night for me.

Oh yeah. That's the ticket. 

A nice haunch of meat and some wine and have a charmed evening. 

Don't forget the cologne!

[Placebeyondthepines]

I had a lovely evening with my friends and I've talked to them about what happend and what's been happening between us (plus there was my favorite dog in the world there also and it helped). Both are doing therapy for years and said

1. I might had come out as giving her an ultimatum by leaving like that. And no one likes that. What do you think? Did it sounded like that?

2. Her mood swings might mean bipolarism. Do you think it might be the case?

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

I had a lovely evening with my friends and I've talked to them about what happend . Her mood swings might mean bipolarism. 

It's great you are going out with friends, family, getting more involved in life,  broadening your social horizons and working on more independence..

Your friends mean well, but obviously, making an armchair diagnosis is ridiculous.

Everyone's ex these days is accused of having some severe mental health or personality disorder. Please don't waste your time going down that rabbit hole. 

Instead, focus on your own therapy, thoughts and feelings and unpacking and sorting out the breakup and working on independence and a better future for yourself. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

1. I might had come out as giving her an ultimatum by leaving like that. And no one likes that. What do you think? Did it sounded like that?

No, it didn't. An ultimatum...about what, exactly? She had already broken up with you when you left. I highly doubt she interpreted it as an ultimatum, either. 

10 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Her mood swings might mean bipolarism. Do you think it might be the case?

That is for a trained professional with personal experience of her to determine - but no, not really. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, it didn't. An ultimatum...about what, exactly? She had already broken up with you when you left. I highly doubt she interpreted it as an ultimatum, either. 

Maybe by telling her I am not coming back if she decides to do this alone? Maybe she interpreted that way?

Read today a few articles about partnership with someone depressed and "wow", I swear I've read my story. Everything almost follows the same pattern and, sadly, all finishes the same way.

[Alpacalia]

It doesn't matter. She no longer wants to be in a relationship with you and you need to accept that. Your friends' opinions are not relevant in this situation. You need to focus on yourself and your own well-being. It's great that you have friends who support you, but ultimately, you need to make decisions that are best for you.

[Placebeyondthepines]

23 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It doesn't matter. She no longer wants to be in a relationship with you and you need to accept that. Your friends' opinions are not relevant in this situation. You need to focus on yourself and your own well-being. It's great that you have friends who support you, but ultimately, you need to make decisions that are best for you.

My friends are a wonderful bunch.

I usually do not over share with them a lot of stuff, I've been in three different groups, all of them love me and I love them like familly. I saw their colours when I've lost my old man when they were an invisible bridge in getting better. So I am meeting them in different days, in an intimate way, telling them slowly what is going on.

And talking helped. OMG, you have no idea how much.

[stillafool]

On 1/24/2024 at 7:08 AM, Placebeyondthepines said:

I don't expect an answer. I feel like I've said what I needed and took something from my chest.

Did this action give you what you need to finally move on from her?

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

My friends are a wonderful bunch.

I usually do not over share with them a lot of stuff, I've been in three different groups, all of them love me and I love them like familly. I saw their colours when I've lost my old man when they were an invisible bridge in getting better. So I am meeting them in different days, in an intimate way, telling them slowly what is going on.

And talking helped. OMG, you have no idea how much.

Friends and talking are great. I'm glad you have people who support you and make you feel better.

Just try not to overly focus on other people's diagnoses because it won't change the outcome. What matters is that she is not able to be in a relationship with you. I know it's hard because you're trying to piece things together and make sense of everything. Sometimes it helps us to try to understand why someone acted the way they did, but ultimately, we need to accept and move on.  It's hard and it takes time, but you will get through this.

[Placebeyondthepines]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

Did this action give you what you need to finally move on from her?

It gave me a push. Because now I feel I've said everything I've had to say. There is nothing else left from my part. And I am at peace with that.

I am making baby steps. I keep myself very busy.

[Placebeyondthepines]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Friends and talking are great. I'm glad you have people who support you and make you feel better.

Just try not to overly focus on other people's diagnoses because it won't change the outcome. What matters is that she is not able to be in a relationship with you. I know it's hard because you're trying to piece things together and make sense of everything. Sometimes it helps us to try to understand why someone acted the way they did, but ultimately, we need to accept and move on.  It's hard and it takes time, but you will get through this.

Yes, agree. Only a doctor can say that.

I am talking more about the fact they saw her not being ok when we went out as couples. So there were signs, but I chose not to see them in an objective way, and that is my mistake.

[basil67]

On 1/23/2024 at 7:59 PM, Placebeyondthepines said:

 

So again I explained to her:

Getting my car license: I do not want to do that, I come from a family of bad drivers, my uncle had a car accident, my dad was a bad driver. I have zero interest in doing that because I would be a danger in traffic. (she drives and her explanation is ok but what happens if I feel sick).

Yes, bad drivers happen.  And pretty much everyone I've ever known has a had an accident to some degree, myself included   But that doesn't stop us learning to drive.  For those cursed with a parent who was a bad driver, instead of saying "my dad was a bad driver, therefore I will be a bad driver" they vow to be better than their parents.

Is there an underlying anxiety issue which stops you from learning to drive?   How many hours have you done with a driving instructor?

[basil67]

38 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

I am talking more about the fact they saw her not being ok when we went out as couples. So there were signs, but I chose not to see them in an objective way, and that is my mistake.

Perhaps she was just mad or frustrated?

[Placebeyondthepines]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, bad drivers happen.  And pretty much everyone I've ever known has a had an accident to some degree, myself included   But that doesn't stop us learning to drive.  For those cursed with a parent who was a bad driver, instead of saying "my dad was a bad driver, therefore I will be a bad driver" they vow to be better than their parents.

Is there an underlying anxiety issue which stops you from learning to drive?   How many hours have you done with a driving instructor?

Is not that. I've never like cars or had any interest in them, since I was a kid. I couldn't care. I drove a few times almost 15 years ago in a closed space, but that was it. My uncle felt asleep on the wheel and killed someone, so that is quite something horrible to happen. 

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Perhaps she was just mad or frustrated?

Perhaps, but my intuition is saying no.

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Is not that. I've never like cars or had any interest in them, since I was a kid. I couldn't care. I drove a few times almost 15 years ago in a closed space, but that was it. My uncle felt asleep on the wheel and killed someone, so that is quite something horrible to happen

Yes, I understand that being in a fatal accident is a terrible thing.  Meanwhile I have no interest in cooking family meals...I couldn't care.... yet I do it every night because I'm a grown up.

When I was in my late teens, I had a boyfriend who was early 20's. I had a car and a drivers license, but he had a license and no car. I got really fed up with being designated driver for nights out and day trips and ended up giving an ultimatum.  Do you really want to put all the work of driving on your partner?  It's pretty s*** doing all the driving for a partner who simply doesn't want to do it.

Have you done any therapy to overcome your anxiety about driving?

 

[Placebeyondthepines]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, I understand that being in a fatal accident is a terrible thing.  Meanwhile I have no interest in cooking family meals...I couldn't care.... yet I do it every night because I'm a grown up.

When I was in my late teens, I had a boyfriend who was early 20's. I had a car and a drivers license, but he had a license and no car. I got really fed up with being designated driver for nights out and day trips and ended up giving an ultimatum.  Do you really want to put all the work of driving on your partner?  It's pretty s*** doing all the driving for a partner who simply doesn't want to do it.

Have you done any therapy to overcome your anxiety about driving?

 

I can understand where you are coming from, but again, I asked only once to help me with something and that was moving mum. The rest I took care of business myself. Uber, tram, had no problems. I am someone who loves to walk around and I don't mind. In my mind, why force me to do something I clearly do not like? Is me driving more important than me trying my best to be a decent human being (or at least I think I am), supportive, independently financially and so on? And I did not say: hey, no chance of me getting my license ever. I've said I might try and I would do it for her, but not now. Let me solve this things that are now relevant.

No, I didn't. Next week I am starting my first sessions of therapy ever. I had my coping mechanisms all my life, but know I need to make this journey with myself.