Relationship ending?

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

But those were dates, I mean, she kissed me, we stayed 7 hours in every one of them. Those were dates.

 I didn't knew what I wanted. I mean, I know now, wanted to be intimate together and see if I want more or not because we were having a good time together.

When I made a step back after the second date I felt her absence, so I went back to see what is this.

It's not unreasonable for a person to want intimacy AFTER the person has decided that they want a relationship.   

Sounds to me like you had no idea what you wanted.  And she wasn't into having sex with a guy who doesn't know what he wants. 

[basil67]

*after the person they are dating has decided they want a relationship

[Placebeyondthepines]

Just now, basil67 said:

It's not unreasonable for a person to want intimacy AFTER the person has decided that they want a relationship.   

Sounds to me like you had no idea what you wanted.  And she wasn't into having sex with a guy who doesn't know what he wants. 

Yep, can't argue with that at all.

If I wanted her I wouldn't have waited 4 dates to kiss her and let her start to think and process the whole thing. But no regrets.

Now time for me to be smart and focus on myself to see what I want. 

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Yep, can't argue with that at all.

If I wanted her I wouldn't have waited 4 dates to kiss her and let her start to think and process the whole thing. But no regrets.

Now time for me to be smart and focus on myself to see what I want. 

I made a typo and corrected it just after.

What I tried to say is that it's not unreasonable for her to not want a "try before you buy" to see if you were actually interested

[Placebeyondthepines]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I made a typo and corrected it just after.

What I tried to say is that it's not unreasonable for her to not want a "try before you buy" to see if you were actually interested

She is 38, alone for a while, first date in a year. She knows what she wants, and to continue to have her routine. Maybe she wasn't that into me also to move forward, it's normal, it happens. 

But I don't need that, but at least I know what I did wrong. Can use that in the future and avoid it.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

She is 38, alone for a while, first date in a year. She knows what she wants, and to continue to have her routine. Maybe she wasn't that into me also to move forward, it's normal, it happens. 

But I don't need that, but at least I know what I did wrong. Can use that in the future and avoid it.

Alternately, she may have been into you, but wasn't open to a guy who wanted sex before he decided if he was into her.

[Placebeyondthepines]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Alternately, she may have been into you, but wasn't open to a guy who wanted sex before he decided if he was into her.

After our talk on sunday, I think not. She said: the week away I realized I can only offer you my friendship. 

What I've felt odd is I did not ask her anything, not even that, to be friends. Did not tell Hey I want you to be the mother of my children :)). I've kept it together. 

I think there is a lot of things going on with her, she gave it a long thought and backed up. It happens.

But I stand by what I've said, I was and still am upset on myself. Because I've put myself in this situation.

[Placebeyondthepines]

Just might add something, because I might come out as I've invited her just for sex.

That day I woke up at 8, went to two big supermarkets, went back, cleaned the house, went to my other flat to cook because I have better things there, cooked also a type of brownie I am really good at making it, to give it to her to take it home, jumped back home again and prepared. And I only wanted to be just there with her and see how I feel, if I want the night to be the start of something. 

Felt good with her, did not wanted the opportunity to pass because I was undecided. .

[Placebeyondthepines]

We did not see each other after all, she got sick.

So maybe for the best.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/26/2024 at 9:08 PM, Placebeyondthepines said:

We did not see each other after all, she got sick.

So maybe for the best.

It is definitely for the best. 

You need to not see her at all anymore, so you can really let go. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

On 3/28/2024 at 9:06 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

It is definitely for the best. 

You need to not see her at all anymore, so you can really let go. 

It's a bit of comedy gold, to be honest.

We've been talking and wednesday night I went to a concert and decided to stop talking to her and focus on my friends who I was with. She sent me a pic, saw it, but ignored it until yesterday morning. Yesterday I responded and told her that I don't know if we can meet tonight, I can tell her around 4. We chat during the day and ultimately We postponed it and then she went to no contact again. 

Wrote me some nonsense early morning, I reacted with a haha and that was it.

Again, this is a 38 old woman we are talking about. 

 

[Gebidozo]

3 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

It's a bit of comedy gold, to be honest.

We've been talking and wednesday night I went to a concert and decided to stop talking to her and focus on my friends who I was with. She sent me a pic, saw it, but ignored it until yesterday morning. Yesterday I responded and told her that I don't know if we can meet tonight, I can tell her around 4. We chat during the day and ultimately We postponed it and then she went to no contact again. 

Wrote me some nonsense early morning, I reacted with a haha and that was it.

Again, this is a 38 old woman we are talking about. 

 

You’re still too preoccupied with her and you sound bitter.

I still don’t understand why you keep trying to see her. What exactly are you hoping for?

[Placebeyondthepines]

Just now, Gebidozo said:

You’re still too preoccupied with her and you sound bitter.

I still don’t understand why you keep trying to see her. What exactly are you hoping for?

Well, she is still around. And it's close to impossible not to be bitter, at least a bit.

Said it above, want to see if the air is clear and if we meet in our line of work will not be awkward.

Plus, before the mess started, I liked her, got fond of her. She opened up to me with some personal stuff. I liked her as a human being first of all, that is why I went on four dates with her. Maybe it was a painkiller like you lot said above, maybe I liked her because of how we clicked, who knows. 

She asked me to lunch next week, I said no.

I am slowly making steps back. 

*I know what you are thinking, that I am still trying, maybe if we meet she will act differently, that I did not given up yet. But I do not work like that. At all. Saw enough things that are red flags for me and I can't pass them by. I just can't.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Again, this is a 38 old woman we are talking about. 

You're too old for this too, to be fair. 

Why you are still engaging with her at all is a mystery. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

I know what you are thinking, that I am still trying, maybe if we meet she will act differently, that I did not given up yet. But I do not work like that. At all. Saw enough things that are red flags for me and I can't pass them by. I just can't.

As a woman, I can tell you that is exactly what I would be thinking if I Friend Zoned a guy and he kept wanting to talk to me anyway. 

It's already obvious to her that you still want her. I guarantee it. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

On 3/29/2024 at 9:34 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

As a woman, I can tell you that is exactly what I would be thinking if I Friend Zoned a guy and he kept wanting to talk to me anyway. 

It's already obvious to her that you still want her. I guarantee it. 

Even if except trying to kiss her I did not show any interest in wanting her? Even if she wanted to reschedule and I said no?

We stopped talking since Friday morning. Opposite to last time, I have absolutely zero intention or desire to contact her. If she writes I will answer, but will not engage at all.

And yes, I am too old also. But sadly, like you lot said above, I made one of the biggest mistakes someone can make: I had expectations.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

If she writes I will answer, but will not engage at all.

Answering is engaging.   Just block her

[Placebeyondthepines]

Just now, basil67 said:

Answering is engaging.   Just block her

Never blocked anyone, can't do it, it's not for me.

But I can say politely no. 

Contacting her last week was the best thing I could have done because got some of my answers and saw her without the charm and was enough to understand It's better this happened.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Even if except trying to kiss her I did not show any interest in wanting her? Even if she wanted to reschedule and I said no?

Yup, even then.

You keep responding to her even after she told you she just wanted to be friends. Believe me, we know when a man is still into us. It is obvious to her that you are. 

Stop engaging with her completely. You will never move on if you keep responding to her, and it will crush you if you keep in touch and then find out she is going on dates with some other man who isn't you. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yup, even then.

You keep responding to her even after she told you she just wanted to be friends. Believe me, we know when a man is still into us. It is obvious to her that you are. 

Stop engaging with her completely. You will never move on if you keep responding to her, and it will crush you if you keep in touch and then find out she is going on dates with some other man who isn't you. 

Yep, that is my intention. Or I am doing that now.

Fingers crossed. 

I bolded that because I don't think it would crush me, it would be far fetched because I did not fell in love with her. But most certain, It would be something I would not like. That is why I am stepping back. But baby steps, and no block. Just ignore.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

it would be far fetched because I did not fell in love with her.

I don't think it's far-fetched, given your very emotional reaction to her calling things off after just a few dates. 

You don't have to be in love with someone to be very hurt that they didn't choose you. As we've been saying from the beginning, you hardly know this woman and yet you got quite carried away. Why? As I said, I think it's mostly because you haven't moved on from your ex yet, and you've been looking for someone to soothe the void. It was never really about this new woman to begin with, but you still had a pretty strong reaction to her not wanting to take things further. 

This is why I am saying that you would likely find it a lot more upsetting than you think when she starts dating someone else. It will pick open the scab that is still healing from your break-up and trigger those feelings of being rejected all over again. 

Choose wisely here. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think it's far-fetched, given your very emotional reaction to her calling things off after just a few dates. 

You don't have to be in love with someone to be very hurt that they didn't choose you. As we've been saying from the beginning, you hardly know this woman and yet you got quite carried away. Why? As I said, I think it's mostly because you haven't moved on from your ex yet, and you've been looking for someone to soothe the void. It was never really about this new woman to begin with, but you still had a pretty strong reaction to her not wanting to take things further. 

Yep, surely that must be there.

But making a step back and looking back. I got upset because there were no cracks and everything was building up and I couldn't understand what happened. It was a shock for me, a total surprise that caught me off guard. Used logic and tried to be rational when it was not needed and got stuck in searching for that after she rejected me. But got that chance and she gaved me the impression she had 0 remorse, almost it was my fault.

I am an emotional mess, can't deny that, and I am working with that. But also when I have enough, there is no chance I will forget and forgive. And that is what happened now. I've never went back to anyone who rejected me in my life and not gonna start now.

But yes, I am traveling in dangerous waters and I am getting what you are saying. But I am the type that faces these things, I do not run from them. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

. But also when I have enough, there is no chance I will forget and forgive. And that is what happened now. I've never went back to anyone who rejected me in my life and not gonna start now.

So why are you trying to be friends with her? 

You hardly know the woman. I can't see why this is a connecton that means so much to you that you want to keep her in your life in any way at all. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So why are you trying to be friends with her? 

You hardly know the woman. I can't see why this is a connecton that means so much to you that you want to keep her in your life in any way at all. 

I was dwelling on a bit on the answer to be honest because I don't know what to tell you.

I've been out of the game for 10 years now, except my ex, she's the first woman I've been dating. It was nice, it felt right, felt a connection, felt attention and mostly, felt I was allowed in her safe space. Then got shut out and did not receive an explanation, even got somewhat blamed because I let it go this far.

I wanted to clear the air at first, maybe talk like human beings because: a) somewhat cared for her b) I've worked in the past with the company where she is employed and wanted to clear the air between us profesionally and not making it awkward. Reached out last week because maybe a week apart she realized she did a mistake, but instead posted above what happened. So then I started to make slow steps apart from her.

Why do I give so much energy into this, after four dates? Because of the first paragraph and how I felt left out and because I had expectations.

So I do not want to be friends with her. That is why I said that to her and Wiseman judged me above. But I missed her absence in a way I can't exactly understand. Might have been the dopamine of getting attention after my ex stopped doing that.

I can't say.

What I can confirm 100%: Felt a strong connection, felt this might be something interesting, but before I could think of anything, I've been shut out without any reason and explanations.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

But I missed her absence in a way I can't exactly understand. Might have been the dopamine of getting attention after my ex stopped doing that

This is all it is. 

That's why I sense that you're trying to hang on to this. Even though she told you she can't be more than friends with you, it makes you feel a bit better when she contacts you anyway. It keeps your self-esteem a little more intact. Cutting her off would mean you don't get that little dopamine hit in the event she writes to you again. But it is not a good idea to remain in contact anymore. 

1 hour ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

I wanted to clear the air at first, maybe talk like human beings

What exactly do you mean by this? You've said this a couple times but I don't get what you are trying to say. Did you two not talk like normal human beings before?