Relationship ending?

[Placebeyondthepines]

Entering week two and it's been, so and so. There are moments when it all comes back to me and I feel a heartache that really is hard to accept at times, but I keep on going. 

I've search a bit about depressed partners and stories and It hit a nerve. More 80% where the same signs. The same things. The same hot and cold, the same moody behaviour and slowly moving away from the SO. I've read some stories that were 1 on 1 with me and they really hit me.

In most cases, in 3, 6 or 12 months, they reach out, but in many stories, the one that was left behind moves on. I hope I will be in the same situation.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Entering week two and it's been, so and so. There are moments when it all comes back to me and I feel a heartache that really is hard to accept at times, but I keep on going. 

It's not going to be easy and it's going to take a lot of time to get over it.  Just keep moving forward.  Most of the time they do not come back or reach out, which is for the best because that alone could put you back to square one.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

I've search a bit about depressed partners and stories and It hit a nerve. In most cases, in 3, 6 or 12 months, they reach out, but in many stories, 

It's normal for people to sort of do postmortem analysis on relationships as part of the processing and healing. 

However please don't assume you can diagnose her and therefore predict that she will be back in x amount of time because some blog story is similar to your situation. . 

Please keep the focus on yourself. To be honest, people with zero mental health issues breakup all the time for a variety of reasons. This is the part to focus on and accept. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's normal for people to sort of do postmortem analysis on relationships as part of the processing and healing. 

However please don't assume you can diagnose her and therefore predict that she will be back in x amount of time because some blog story is similar to your situation. . 

Please keep the focus on yourself. To be honest, people with zero mental health issues breakup all the time for a variety of reasons. This is the part to focus on and accept. 

I don't want her to come back, Wiseman.

It hurts now, but it will hurt even more to live with constant fear this will happen again.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

I don't want her to come back, Wiseman.

It hurts now, but it will hurt even more to live with constant fear this will happen again.

The only way it could happen again is if she left him and came begging back to you, which is doubtfful.  Plus, saying you don't want her to come back means you wouldn't allow it.  So there is nothing to fear.

[Placebeyondthepines]

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

The only way it could happen again is if she left him and came begging back to you, which is doubtfful.  Plus, saying you don't want her to come back means you wouldn't allow it.  So there is nothing to fear.

There is no him.

It's just her with her depression. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

So the guy in that couple reached out. Called me.

He said he heard and he wanted earlier to call me, but was a bit awkward. He said he hopes inside for us to get back together, but told him no chance from my point of view.

Anyway, I've told him if he is in town and is in the mood for something, he should let me know and thanked him for the wonderful time together.

Dunno if we are going to talk again, but felt good.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

He said he heard and he wanted earlier to call me

That was very thoughtful of him. 

You seem to be doing better than even a few days ago, which is a positive. 

[Placebeyondthepines]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That was very thoughtful of him. 

You seem to be doing better than even a few days ago, which is a positive. 

Yeah, I am, two therapy sessions in and talking helped. Time helped, her ignoring me helped.

But what added fuel was she stopped watching my Instastories. That really made me want to move on no matter what.

[Placebeyondthepines]

So, short update.

Today is the first month "anniversary". Overall it's been decent, I've been focused on renovating, so had my mind full, but there are moments where it all comes crushing. I didn't block her, I know I should, but I can't. I want and hope to see me doing well. I know it's stupid, but I do not want to get of the radar.

The next weekend I am going out with another woman, I think it's going to be a date. I will just take it slowly, see what happens.

I think I am well and bad at the same time. I am curious where I will be at the "next anniversary"

[Placebeyondthepines]

Went on my first date on Friday and had to say I had a blast. Nothing happened, we were just to people connecting and it felt good because I had a boost of confidence about my self esteem and that people are atracted to me. It felt really good.

Therapy is helping a lot also because I am facing my demons, what I've felt during the past half of year.

I am not ready for a relationship at the moment, but enjoyed this woman I've went out a lot. 

[Alpacalia]

19 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Went on my first date on Friday and had to say I had a blast. Nothing happened, we were just to people connecting and it felt good because I had a boost of confidence about my self esteem and that people are atracted to me. It felt really good.

Therapy is helping a lot also because I am facing my demons, what I've felt during the past half of year.

I am not ready for a relationship at the moment, but enjoyed this woman I've went out a lot. 

It's quite normal to approach these things slowly after a trauma like losing an important relationship. Over time you begin to feel more comfortable with yourself and start testing the waters a little and taking some risks. It sounds like you're taking some good steps forward and finding out you have some great qualities and that other people are interested in being around you.

Does she know that you're just dipping your toes in the water and aren't looking for anything serious? If she's aware of all this, I would say it's perfectly fine to let her know that you think she's a cool person and you definitely enjoy spending time with her, but you're not looking to jump into anything right now. If she's not on the same page, she'll likely make it known.

[Placebeyondthepines]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

It's quite normal to approach these things slowly after a trauma like losing an important relationship. Over time you begin to feel more comfortable with yourself and start testing the waters a little and taking some risks. It sounds like you're taking some good steps forward and finding out you have some great qualities and that other people are interested in being around you.

Does she know that you're just dipping your toes in the water and aren't looking for anything serious? If she's aware of all this, I would say it's perfectly fine to let her know that you think she's a cool person and you definitely enjoy spending time with her, but you're not looking to jump into anything right now. If she's not on the same page, she'll likely make it known.

Yeah. we talked about that because the date lasted 7 hours, imagine that.

So at some point she asked. And I was honest.

And we are still talking a lot since. From sharing food to each other, talk nonsense etc. I like her, I am atracted by her, but I think it's tooo soon to do anything. She is 37.

[Alpacalia]

40 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Yeah. we talked about that because the date lasted 7 hours, imagine that.

So at some point she asked. And I was honest.

And we are still talking a lot since. From sharing food to each other, talk nonsense etc. I like her, I am atracted by her, but I think it's tooo soon to do anything. She is 37.

7 hours? Eek! 1 hour is my limit lol It's ok, enjoy your time and company.

[Placebeyondthepines]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

7 hours? Eek! 1 hour is my limit lol It's ok, enjoy your time and company.

Usually this happens in 90% times when I go on the first date. People stay with me at least 4-5 hours.

[Alpacalia]

Just now, Placebeyondthepines said:

Usually this happens in 90% times when I go on the first date. People stay with me at least 4-5 hours.

I've heard of dates lasting that long. I don't think I've ever been that jazzed on a first date. I like to get in and get out.😂

But I do know people who have gone on epic first dates that have lasted for hours and hours. As long as both people are enjoying themselves and the conversation keeps flowing, I don't see anything wrong with a long first date. It could even be a sign of a promising potential relationship.

[Placebeyondthepines]

An update here. It going to be two months soon and things are much, much, much better than I expected. Therapy helped a lot, and I am just at the begining of it, but became my safe space and helped me ask the questions I needed to ask myself about my relationship. It's still a journey, but I think of her less and less. The way she shut me out helped me a lot moving forward, even if it hurt.

Also, life is weird, but the woman I've went out is here and we are going out and she is quite something. Takes interest in me, my needs, the small things. There is no label on us at the moment, just two people and we are really bonding. Is funny because you have no idea how things are. 

For those who are reading, there is life after heartbreak, even if you do not see it.

[Alpacalia]

Very lovely to read. Thank you for sharing this uplifting moment!

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Also, life is weird, but the woman I've went out is here and we are going out and she is quite something. Takes interest in me, my needs, the small things. There is no label on us at the moment, just two people and we are really bonding. Is funny because you have no idea how things are. 

For those who are reading, there is life after heartbreak, even if you do not see it.

This is beautiful. I'm glad things are going so much better for you, and I wish you well.

[Placebeyondthepines]

Haha, I think I spoke too soon.

I invited her over for the fourth date to my place, cooked for her and made her a spongebob cake also. Just to make it clear we've been talking non stop and dating, flirting.

Thursday: Me: My flat is almost done, would you want to see the first person to see it? Her: I would love too and maybe we can cook and test the overn.

Friday: Me: Listen, I am super glad you are coming tomorrow, can't wait. Her: Haha, me too.

Yesterday: 

Went in for the kiss and she stopped me and told me because I didn't move faster she started thinking and I shouldn't let her do that and she still loves her solitude, being alone. I, a rational human being, tried to understand what?!. I felt my brain was about to explode because there was not even a sign there. And I never said the word relationship.

Told her I can't be friends, like in Seinfeld, I have enough friends.

She stayed from 19:00 until 2:00. Of course we exchanged of messages and tested the waters and told her if she want to meet later on today and she refused, then started to ignore me.

So, I have to ask, is everyone in the dating world went insane? 😄

[Alpacalia]

Good golly miss molly. 😕 Does she know you're fresh out of 2 yr relationship?

[Placebeyondthepines]

27 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Good golly miss molly. 😕 Does she know you're fresh out of 2 yr relationship?

Yep. We spoked on the first date. Spending so many hours together, it came along.

She is also alone, according to her, for two years or so, I was the first date in the past year.

[Alpacalia]

12 minutes ago, Placebeyondthepines said:

Yep. We spoked on the first date. Spending so many hours together, it came along.

She is also alone, according to her, for two years or so, I was the first date in the past year.

Okay. Maybe the thought of jumping into anything serious still intimidates her. Maybe she was afraid she was a rebound girl because you're fresh out of a serious relationship yourself. Albeit, if she knew that 4 dates ago and still pursued you knowing you're freshly out of a long term relationship only to say this later, things got a bit too real for her. It's a bit too late to expect the train you're already on to suddenly stop.  

All that said, if she wants to be 100% sure she's not a rebound girl, then maybe her setting that as a precondition before anything else happens is totally valid and we can't judge her for that.

Sorry that it was so sudden though. I'm sure it caught you offguard. Still, I admire that you were very upfront about being fresh out of a long relationship and you were even more upfront with your not-willing-to-be-friendzoned thing.

 

Edited March 17, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Placebeyondthepines]

I think the first part is spot on, the jumping into anything intimidates her, I think she is ok with it, she likes it.

But no one talked about that: I just wanted to kiss you, that is what I've said. And she rejected me because it will create more problems.

It caught me really offguard because there were no signs of this and today she barely talked and was cold. And of course, I am fumming now.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

My ex and I dated for three months before we became intimate. Never a hint of sexual innuendo or gab. Just kissing. I kind of feel that 3 months is the right kind of amount of time to grow deep and develop feelings. But this of course is just how I feel, it does not mean it is the same in every case. Every relationship is different and moves at its own pace. I wanted to make sure that the feelings were there without being fueled by lust. 

I feel like if you're hoping to have a relationship with someone you want it to be someone who sees you as more than just a rebound, especially so, if she's known you for a short while. I guess, if she's into you, she'll reach out. If not, c'est la vie, we move on.