how to decide if one wants kids or not?

[Dude26]

Any advice on how to go about deciding if one wants kids or not?  
 

Personally I’m not sure if I can even afford kids because I’ll be making $17-20 / Hr at first job but I’ll be working to increase that through job hopping or promotions.  Also, I do not have a burning desire in wanting to be a parent but I also wouldn’t mind it either.  The thought of having free time to do other activities such as traveling or retiring early appeals to me as well.    

[basil67]

You don't have to make a decision now. It's OK to not know yet.  

I didn't find clarity on the subject until I met my now husband and was heading towards better financial stability.  How old are you?

[Dude26]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You don't have to make a decision now. It's OK to not know yet.  

I didn't find clarity on the subject until I met my now husband and was heading towards better financial stability.  How old are you?

Late 20’s.

[Alpacalia]

Hmm.

Think about your upbringing and your relationship with your parents. Do you have positive memories and are you close with your family? Or do you have negative experiences that make you hesitant about becoming a parent? Understanding your own background can help you determine if you want to create a similar family dynamic or do things differently.

[Weezy1973]

For me I never had a burning desire for kids - I was always kind  of ambiguous, but thought if the relationship I’m in makes sense to start a family (I.e. emotionally healthy, stable, etc.) and one where kids would flourish then I would have kids, and if that relationship never came to fruition then I wouldn’t. And I never even had an inkling to have a family until I entered a relationship with my now wife. That was when I was 43. I’m now 50 and we have 2 kids and I’m filled with gratitude every day about our life.

 

But yes, I’d say a stable, healthy relationship would be the priority. That gives you the foundation to build a family with emotionally healthy kids.

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, Dude26 said:

Late 20’s.

You've still got plenty of time to decide.  And if you're dating it's OK to tell a woman that you don't know yet

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, Dude26 said:

, I do not have a burning desire in wanting to be a parent but I also wouldn’t mind it either.  The thought of having free time to do other activities such as traveling or retiring early appeals to me as well.    

Follow your heart. You don't seem into it at this point. Maybe when you get married and settle down things will change. Is your family pressuring you to get married and start a family? 

[Foxhall]

Ive always had at back of my mind Id love to have a daughter,

the woman that I mention in passing about wanting to marry and so on- well the thing is she cannot have children so that is a sacrifice I am prepared to make,

If I have to look elsewhere- every cloud has a silver lining,

I suppose Im kind of resigned it will not happen - but yes if circumstances changed and I met someone else well yes I quite like the idea.

from what I gather the key thing is being up for the first few years before they can start doing things for themselves- you have to have the energy for that.

 

[Dude26]

33 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Hmm.

Think about your upbringing and your relationship with your parents. Do you have positive memories and are you close with your family? Or do you have negative experiences that make you hesitant about becoming a parent? Understanding your own background can help you determine if you want to create a similar family dynamic or do things differently.

Yes, I have positive memories and am fine with family.  My decision is based more on if I can financially afford kids where it doesn't make budgeting stressful for me and the time commitment involved with children.

[Dude26]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Follow your heart. You don't seem into it at this point. Maybe when you get married and settle down things will change. Is your family pressuring you to get married and start a family? 

No, I have not discussed marriage or my plans to have kids or not with my family as of now.

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, Dude26 said:

Yes, I have positive memories and am fine with family.  My decision is based more on if I can financially afford kids where it doesn't make budgeting stressful for me and the time commitment involved with children.

Well that's a very important factor to consider. It's crucial to feel financially stable and able to provide for your children without added stress. And the time commitment involved with raising children is definitely a major consideration. I have to say though, one of my fondest memories growing up was eating mac and cheese when my father who was strugling to put healthy food on the table when times got rough financially. I know he was stressed but I still cherish those memories. Memories doesn't have to be extravagant or luxurious to be special. But everyone's situation is different and it's important to make a responsible decision for your own circumstances.

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Dude26 said:

 Also, I do not have a burning desire in wanting to be a parent but I also wouldn’t mind it either.  The thought of having free time to do other activities such as traveling or retiring early appeals to me as well.    

This means you don't want kids.  You don't ever bring humans into this world unless you are sure that's something you want and are ready for, unless it's an enthusiastic yes.  If you're on the fence about it, then the answer should be NO.

[Els]

I always knew that I did not. Occasionally I'd question myself when confronted with societal/parental insistence, but at the end of the day the conclusion was always a no.

You seem to be trying to make a lot of big decisions all at once, from the sound of your threads. It's okay to not have all the answers right away, especially if you don't have a lot of relationship or independent life experience.