Is 2 years single long for a guy?

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So this is something 'you assume', this is not what he told you. 

About asking him why he requires her to wait in the car? I would want to know if it's justified or he is being difficult. 

On a side note: I don't think I would date a man that does not prioritize having a peaceful relationship with the mother of his children. 

Sorry when I say I get the impression, what I meant to say, based on what he has told me, it seems like he has a boundary and she walks over this boundary. Instead of barging into his house, being a busy body and grabbing their things, without her being invited in, he would kindly ask her to wait, I've got this, I will get them ready. She didn't trust him that he could organise his children beforehand and she would just come into the house even though he repeatedly asked her to politely wait. I really don't think from his end, that what is describing, is unreasonable. Personally.

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

Sorry when I say I get the impression, what I meant to say, based on what he has told me, it seems like he has a boundary and she walks over this boundary. Instead of barging into his house, being a busy body and grabbing their things, without her being invited in, he would kindly ask her to wait, I've got this, I will get them ready. She didn't trust him that he could organize his children beforehand and she would just come into the house even though he repeatedly asked her to politely wait. I really don't think from his end, that what is describing, is unreasonable. Personally.

So, let's see her side for a moment. 

You can pick up your kids lets say at 10 am. You get to their house and they're not ready, their bags isn't done, maybe they're still in their pj's eating cereals. There is a reason why she was going around organizing them, and that's because he did not get the kids ready. All this organization she had to do herself took away on HER time with her children. 

His solution is to have her sit in the car while he organize the kids? Really? So more time wasted waiting on the kids because he did not organize them ahead of time. 

There is always 2 sides to a story. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

He has a very odd relationship with his children's mother I think. It's odd because he even says it is!  I believe she left him, he hasn't gone into it, as we are just talking. But what he has said, she will come into his house to collect the kids, even though he has specified that he prefers the kids to come out to  meet her in the car when it's time to pick them up on every second Sunday or something. I think she will come in and meet them at his house despite him telling her to stay in the car or some such thing.

I think if it's a boundary that he's insisted upon and it's his house I think it's not unreasonable to ask she wait in the car. I get the impression that she would waltz into his house,  uninvited AFTER he said don't do that. So he said look, I will have them organised, just wait in the car and I will bring them to you. I don't think it's unreasonable PLUS he said the  breakup wasn't peaceful and it lead to a lot of scaring that he is still dealing with. If she is still "hovering" around I.e. still trying to break boundaries, yeah,  I would have a massive problem with it. A massive problem with her. 

I'm guessing (from the title of your thread and opening comments) that you're concerned he and his ex have a relationship that's too close for comfort? That maybe (in your mind, maybe not in his) 2 years "isn't enough time" for a guy to have recovered from a break-up and be involved with another woman? That maybe you would secretly (but worryingly, somehow) see yourself as undesirable or unattractive unless he's somehow perfectly "over" her..?

He hasn't said a lot about her but the little he has said makes me think that there are still some unresolved issues between them (some lingering resentment and issues that they need to work through for the sake of their children).

It's hard to say for sure without knowing more details, but it's clear that their dynamic is not the most positive.

Having her waiting in the car and having limited contact during pick-ups/drop-offs seems like a reasonable boundary for him to set if he wants to avoid any potential issues or discomfort by keeping things as distanced as possible.

Whatever the reason, it's up to the co-parent to respect this and not try to push it. And if she is not willing to do that, it's a sign that their communication and relationship still needs work. 

I might have missed it but how long have the two of you been dating? I would just observe their interactions for now and see how they handle situations that arise. I don't think you may want to insert yourself too much but really listen when he talks about her and how he reacts to certain situations with her.

Edited January 22, 2024 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

You've said more than once that you're "just talking."

Have you even met in person?   

[d0nnivain]

If he doesn't want her barging in, the kids need to be waiting when she arrives so that as she's turning into the driveway they are walking out the door.  Problem solved. 

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

If he doesn't want her barging in, the kids need to be waiting when she arrives so that as she's turning into the driveway they are walking out the door.  Problem solved. 

I will suggest this to him. I think that will solve a lot of issues. Great solve. I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned this as being an obvious solution.  Perhaps there are things going on deeper than this. He hasn't mentioned his ex wife loads as he has mentioned her once. But when he did, it seemed loaded (if that makes sense) To be honest, he mostly talks about rugby, church, and fishing!

 

I think maybe there were issues there ( between x wife and him). Definitely did say the breakup wasn't amicable and that it wasn't  his decision and rather it was her's. He said he was blindsighted. He would rather keep things brief in terms of communication. She is in a new relationship too, so he is in Papa Bear mode he said. He doesn't know this new boyfriend of her's, but he has already moved in. I understand if he's got some issues. Divorce isn't fun. But I think there is some residual anger, and it's what to be expected, but how much is he over her? Not sure. Don't know. Maybe this is normal. 

[Acacia98]

I don't know if it's just me, @OP, but the fact that he's complaining to you about his ex-wife is weird to me. You're just talking, you say. So he doesn't know you well enough to have established a relationship of mutual trust. He doesn't know if you're gonna be in his life long enough to meet his kids or meet his ex-wife. So why is he telling you all this stuff? 

[Rider on the Storm]

46 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I don't know if it's just me, @OP, but the fact that he's complaining to you about his ex-wife is weird to me. 

Given how new the relationship is, I agree. Perhaps there are very legitimate reasons for not wanting the ex in the house, however; I've known a couple guys who have done similar, and the reason that they did so was because they were vindictive and had anger management issues. Just something to consider ..

 

[NuevoYorko]

58 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

I will suggest this to him. I think that will solve a lot of issues. 

Don't you think that making suggestions about personal family situations to a man you don't really know well is overstepping boundaries?  I would think so.

Have you actually met yet or is this "just talking" via text?

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

Don't you think that making suggestions about personal family situations to a man you don't really know well is overstepping boundaries?  I would think so.

Have you actually met yet or is this "just talking" via text?

Agree.

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I might have missed it but how long have the two of you been dating? I would just observe their interactions for now and see how they handle situations that arise. I don't think you may want to insert yourself too much but really listen when he talks about her and how he reacts to certain situations with her.

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

 I would be constantly compared to some ex partner ex-wife he had merely 2 years ago. 

Are you dating this man or just talking and considering dating?  If you are this worried about exes, dating single parents may be a poor fit for you.  

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

I will suggest this to him. I think that will solve a lot of issues. Great solve. I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned this as being an obvious solution. 

If he was capable of getting them ready on time, he would have already been doing it.   

Instead of getting involved, question whether you want to date a man who can't figure out how to/that he should get his kids packed on time so that his ex wife doesn't have to come in and do it for him.   You talk about his boundaries, but what about her boundaries of not wasting time waiting around for her tardy ex to get organised?   She's probably spent the whole marriage organising him and knows it won't happen if she doesn't do it.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

If he was capable of getting them ready on time, he would have already been doing it.   

Instead of getting involved, question whether you want to date a man who can't figure out how to/that he should get his kids packed on time so that his ex wife doesn't have to come in and do it for him.   You talk about his boundaries, but what about her boundaries of not wasting time waiting around for her tardy ex to get organised?   She's probably spent the whole marriage organising him and knows it won't happen if she doesn't do it.

Not to mention, if you get involved with trying to teach him how to adult, you'll end up like his ex and having to direct him all the time

[Acacia98]

16 hours ago, Rider on the Storm said:

Given how new the relationship is, I agree. Perhaps there are very legitimate reasons for not wanting the ex in the house, however; I've known a couple guys who have done similar, and the reason that they did so was because they were vindictive and had anger management issues. Just something to consider ..

 

Oh, I agree. It's perfectly possible that he is 100% justified in his decisions. But I'm wary of people who try to impress strangers by throwing the people in their lives (or their exes) under the bus. 

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

On 1/23/2024 at 6:02 AM, d0nnivain said:

to answer people's questions and have only started talking, but he wants to meet me next week. Spoke maybe twice on the phone. Men I've met maybe divorced men, are looking for women to do most of the emotional and domestic labor in the house because they can't and never have to have done it. They find singleness worrisome for that reason. Hence why they will spend an amount of time being single for a lot less time, compared to women. Women have always done more for others in the house, so when they have to look after just themselves, it's freeing and they thrive. What I was worried about was, has he moved on romantically from his ex-wife and not looking for an emotional crux to just " soothe his lonely needs and hurts and do the work for him that he can't do for himself" and I was concerned that his wife was still barging his way into his life by overstepping his boundaries. I still don't think the boundaries he set were wrong, if they agreed to it, it's hard to respect each other's boundaries, but it's important that they do it. He also said does it to avoid seeing her. He wants to see her as little as possible. I understand that too.

 

Plus, he has some residual anger left because he was blindsighted by the divorce.  He says, after all, she has a new partner, and this partner has moved in with her, he is very protective of his son. I get it. I get all of that.  My main thoughts were was this guy ready for a relationship if he has an ex that he doesn't like, still pissing him off, and was 2 years all that much for him to get over someone if he still has to see her at least once a week but doesn't even want to see. He says he keeps his communication very brief. Almost like a business arrangement. That's what a lot of divorced couples are like too, so I get that too. 

I don't know if I'm into this guy enough, to be honest, if he has this heavy stuff to work through. My question is, is he over her? Maybe? But still angry obviously. But then maybe he told me all this so I would know what it's like in his family dynamic. That's fair too.

 

 

Edited January 23, 2024 by Daisy-oliviaWentcher
Typo

[Wiseman2]

Going on and on about his ex is a red flag. Meet if you wish, but he seems like a headache. 

[d0nnivain]

You are never going to know unless you meet the guy.  Go for coffee or one drink, something quick & safe.  Spend no more than 1 hour with him & see how it goes.  

[Alpacalia]

So you're wanting to impose how he should or shouldn't be managing his kids and you've never actually been on a single date? Yikes.

[NuevoYorko]

I absolutely would not bother with this guy if I were you.  It doesn't really matter what the ex is or isn't doing - it's a problem that he's oversharing about his personal life with a stranger he's "just talking" to.

Also - I would caution you against trying to help a guy who you don't know resolve his issues with his ex wife, the mother of his children.  This might be ok if you were a couple and even then could be questionable.  

  

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

So you're wanting to impose how he should or shouldn't be managing his kids and you've never actually been on a single date? Yikes.

I don't want to impose. I suggest but never impose. I don't even care for the ex-wife. I don't even know her. I don't even think I want to know her. Even if we were a couple, I don't even think I would want to meet any of his children until at least 6 months. I don't even have to ever meet her. That's his business. But I guess he was sharing so that I can get a glimpse into what sort of life he had. 

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

I suggest but never impose.

You haven't even met this guy yet.  It's totally inappropriate to go suggesting how to better manage his life.

Again, if he was capable of figuring this out, he would have done so already.  One doesn't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out that if the kids are packed and ready to go, they can greet her at the door and she won't need to come in.   He doesn't need your help.  But you need to be looking at this with a critical eye

 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

 But I guess he was sharing so that I can get a glimpse into what sort of life he had. 

There's no need to be someone's free therapist. You have already identified a lot of deal breakers for yourself.  Maybe you're just someone to vent to. 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

Even if we were a couple, I don't even think I would want to meet any of his children until at least 6 months. I don't even have to ever meet her.

That's is non-realistic.

If you are in a relationship with a man that has children you will need to meet the ex-wife for the rest of your life. Sport event, graduation, weddings, name it. You smile, chitchat about the weather and don't get involved in their business. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Daisy-oliviaWentcher said:

I don't want to impose. I suggest but never impose. I don't even care for the ex-wife. I don't even know her. I don't even think I want to know her. Even if we were a couple, I don't even think I would want to meet any of his children until at least 6 months. I don't even have to ever meet her. That's his business. But I guess he was sharing so that I can get a glimpse into what sort of life he had. 

Spoken twice on the phone and gleamed this much information about the dealings with his ex an kids. It shouldn't be about them, it should (yes, I hate to use the word should but I think it's  warranted here) be about DATING YOU. I'm glad that you've learned a lesson about asking (or listening, not sure if you're asking him questions or if he's willing sharing this information) about ex's and children, but I think you've learned more than you wanted to about this guys inner workings.