How to cope with date, dating others.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

He's not divorced, he was never married. I think he said he has had it for about 3 years. He is on medication and I don't think it would be right for me to not to date someone because of it. I don't really look at is as a bad thing and I think the fact he told me on our 3rd date helped as he was honest about it and I do think he was afraid I wouldn't see him again as he joked that if I wanted to leave then I could. Maybe this is why I can't read him as he doesn't show much emotion. 

I have never dated someone with depression so I don't really know. 

Not dating someone who battles depression is not being judgmental or prejudice. It is hard to date someone battling depression and it's like you said the meds makes them kind of dull to pain but also dull to happiness. The meds don't solve everything they still battle bouts of depression where they don't want to see anyone and they question the wordiness of everything under the sun. There is a difference between your long term partner suddenly finding themselves battling depression and entering a brand new relationship with someone already battling depression. My daughter had to leave a 2 year relationship because he suffered depression. The rush of dopamine from being in love wasn't enough anymore to keep this together. 

May I ask how old you are? 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Not dating someone who battles depression is not being judgmental or prejudice. It is hard to date someone battling depression and it's like you said the meds makes them kind of dull to pain but also dull to happiness. The meds don't solve everything they still battle bouts of depression where they don't want to see anyone and they question the wordiness of everything under the sun. There is a difference between your long term partner suddenly finding themselves battling depression and entering a brand new relationship with someone already battling depression. My daughter had to leave a 2 year relationship because he suffered depression. The rush of dopamine from being in love wasn't enough anymore to keep this together. 

May I ask how old you are? 

I suppose you are right, and maybe its something I do need to look into more. 

Maybe this is the exact reason I cant read whether he is interested or not as he doesn't really show his emotions.

 I am 31 he is 33. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

Out of curiosity  what would be the normal amount of time or dates to assume there must be some sort of exclusivity before the chat? 

I think that depends on the person… as I said above, my answer would be “it depends on the situation but definitely before we have sex.” I personally am not interested in having sex with a man who is having with other women… The risk of STDs is higher if he has multiple partners. 

[Alpacalia]

I tend to think while it's good to clarify things (i.e. exclusive talk) if you've been dating someone consistently and there are genuine feelings on both sides that 'sort of' knowing you're on the same page is there because the other person wouldn't want to be making the other person feel blurs in the lines if that makes sense, let alone date other folk if you have least bit of interest in the other person.

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I tend to think while it's good to clarify things (i.e. exclusive talk) if you've been dating someone consistently and there are genuine feelings on both sides that 'sort of' knowing you're on the same page is there because the other person wouldn't want to be making the other person feel blurs in the lines if that makes sense, let alone date other folk if you have least bit of interest in the other person.

That is usually how it goes for me too. We both kind of know. The last guy I dated we where chatting one night in bed and he told me he wasn't interested in anyone else but me and we both deleted dating apps that night. It happened very naturally. But I knew we where both in sync. This guy is harder to read. 

He will do things like hold my hand, or if were in a restaurant he will put his hand on my leg, the same when he is driving. He already gave me a cute pet name. I even caught him watching me sleep with a big smile on his face. I asked how he slept with me in the bed as I can toss and turn a bit at times and he responded, don't worry I will get used to it. 

So in some ways he gives all the good signals but then still active on dating apps isn't a great one like you said above. If he was really interested he wouldn't be on the dating apps.

[stillafool]

What is stopping you from just coming out and asking him where he sees this going?  The time to ask that would be before you have sex with him.  Then you can decide after he gives you his answer.

[Alpacalia]

24 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

That is usually how it goes for me too. We both kind of know. The last guy I dated we where chatting one night in bed and he told me he wasn't interested in anyone else but me and we both deleted dating apps that night. It happened very naturally. But I knew we where both in sync. This guy is harder to read. 

He will do things like hold my hand, or if were in a restaurant he will put his hand on my leg, the same when he is driving. He already gave me a cute pet name. I even caught him watching me sleep with a big smile on his face. I asked how he slept with me in the bed as I can toss and turn a bit at times and he responded, don't worry I will get used to it. 

So in some ways he gives all the good signals but then still active on dating apps isn't a great one like you said above. If he was really interested he wouldn't be on the dating apps.

It's too soon to say for sure, who can really tell? Being on dating apps doesn't automatically mean he's not into you.

At any rate, him still being active on his dating profile is incongruous with having an exclusive relationship with you.

It is possible that when you talk to him, you’ll gain insight into his position. Only you can decide if what you learn convinces you to keep participating in the relationship or not.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm thinking your anxiety is based on something real. And I don't think it's just the exclusivity talk. Something troubles you, unsettles you, about this person and this emerging relationship. Meeting his friends basically has nothing to do with it. In a relationship with a solid connection, you really don't have to ask the question of the other's commitment because you will feel safe.

My guess is that you looked to see if he was still active on the dating app BECAUSE you already felt some kind of icky feeling. Don't confuse yourself here. Him getting off the app might satisfy your intellect. I'm not sure it'll calm your fear and anxiety--which I'm  guessing is based on something else not feeling good. 

Whether you commit this early or not, you want to feel safe in the relationship, pretty much at all points in the relationship. 

[Alpacalia]

The asking about exclusivity first before sex is tricky because I have read that sometimes, some men, will want to see if the person he's dating is sexually compatible, first before becoming exclusive.

What Lotsgoingon said makes a lot of sense. Something inside of you is tugging at you saying, "hmmmm, maybe he's not so sure about you." You might want him to be exclusive. That's one thing. You might also want to feel safe and secure in the relationship. I think that's more important than just exclusivity.

Edited January 22, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The asking about exclusivity first before sex is tricky because I have read that sometimes, some men, will want to see if the person he's dating is sexually compatible, first before becoming exclusive. And it also has been said that when you ask a guy about where's the relationship going? He gets turned off sometimes. What should you do?

Are we exclusive & where this relationship going are 2 different topics. The second one should be addresses lets say around 3 months dating when you had time to get a real feel of the person. 

[Alpacalia]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Are we exclusive & where this relationship going are 2 different topics. The second one should be addresses lets say around 3 months dating when you had time to get a real feel of the person. 

Yes, you're right. That's why I edited it out of my post. Thanks Gaeta. 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

11 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I'm thinking your anxiety is based on something real. And I don't think it's just the exclusivity talk.

I agree, but I think there is also fear of being hurt as has happened in previous relationships. My gut has never let me down in terms of sensing something that I might not always see straight away and maybe that's why I am now starting to become anxious. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

Maybe this is the exact reason I cant read whether he is interested or not as he doesn't really show his emotions. I am 31 he is 33. 

It seems like it's going well. He asks you out frequently, has a pet name for you and introduces you to friends. 

Your anxiety seems to come from having sex then noticing a tinder pop-up.  All of a sudden you seem to be going down this rabbithole of he's depressed, he's hard to read, he's unemotional, he's sleeping with others, he doesn't like me, etc etc. 

Please take a deep breath and relax and look at things one thing at a time and in context. An app pop-up is not cheating. People don't treat you as well as he's treating you if they're not interested and about to run out the door. 

Please take care of the anxiety and please don't confuse "intuition" with self fulfilling prophecies and this much self doubt. 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Are we exclusive & where this relationship going are 2 different topics. The second one should be addresses lets say around 3 months dating when you had time to get a real feel of the person. 

I agree, I am not looking for it to be lets jump into a relationship. More so lets become exclusive and see how we get on and for some reason I am very anxious about it. Again this could be all in my head and when we have the chat in person he might be feeling the same way or he might not be. 

I feel the anxiety is due to the fact that I saw he was active on the dating app and that answers my question to a point on where he is versus where I am. 

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like it's going well. He asks you out frequently, has a pet name for you and introduces you to friends. 

Your anxiety seems to come from having sex then noticing a tinder pop-up.  All of a sudden you seem to be going down this rabbithole of he's depressed, he's hard to read, he's unemotional, he's sleeping with others, he doesn't like me, etc etc. 

Please take a deep breath and relax and look at things one thing at a time and in context. An app pop-up is not cheating. People don't treat you as well as he's treating you if they're not interested and about to run out the door. 

Please take care of the anxiety and please don't confuse "intuition" with self fulfilling prophecies and this much self doubt. 

I do agree, 100% with this also could be me over reacting and reading into things, that's why I asked here to vent a bit and get advice from others. My friends give good advice but are terrible at dating advice lol So I wanted to see what other people think about the situation. 

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I feel the anxiety is due to the fact that I saw he was active on the dating app and that answers my question to a point on where he is versus where I am. 

That could mean nothing.

I spent a lot of time on dating apps and sometimes we come across people we're not gonna date but we have conversations with. When I registered back again after my last breakup there was people there I had met for coffee and we just updated each other on our search. Definitely address exclusivity with him. 

[smackie9]

4 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

He's not divorced, he was never married. I think he said he has had it for about 3 years. He is on medication and I don't think it would be right for me to not to date someone because of it. I don't really look at is as a bad thing and I think the fact he told me on our 3rd date helped as he was honest about it and I do think he was afraid I wouldn't see him again as he joked that if I wanted to leave then I could. Maybe this is why I can't read him as he doesn't show much emotion. 

I have never dated someone with depression so I don't really know. 

It's not right or wrong. If it makes things complicated/uncomfortable for you then you don't date them for that reason. Me personally would never date anyone that suffers from depression...I was exposed to plenty of that growing up and I don't like it. Not worth the trouble if it gives you troubles/wears on you mentally. 

[basil67]

 

5 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

I think the above is what worries me it also doesn't help he is very hard to read as a person. Most guys I have dated I know are interested at least by date 4/5 with him I cant tell at all. 

That's tough. To be honest, I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who's hard to read....is this really a personality trait that you're OK with?  

I will tell you how I view exclusivity.  In early dating, seeing each other exclusively simply means getting off dating apps and only seeing each other.  It's not about promising long term commitment or promises, it's just about being interested enough to give it a proper shot.   With this in mind, I would have no qualms about having the conversation, because if he's not keen enough to stop seeing others, then they can have him.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

It's not right or wrong. If it makes things complicated/uncomfortable for you then you don't date them for that reason. Me personally would never date anyone that suffers from depression...I was exposed to plenty of that growing up and I don't like it. Not worth the trouble if it gives you troubles/wears on you mentally. 

Me either.  Depression can be contagious.  No thank you.

[basil67]

Adding my 2c for depression.  I believe that my ex-h had depression...it was back in the 80's and wasn't a thing which was diagnosed then.  And it was indeed catching - I ended up going down with him, but then recovered after I left the marriage.  

However, I got diagnosed years later after becoming a mother and meds made all the difference.  Nobody would know that there is a depression diagnosis.

I guess the upshot is that you should expect a partner to be doing the best they can to manage their mental health.  If they are depressed and do nothing about it, stay away.  If they are trying but it's still not working, it's OK to leave too.  But if they can function normally with help of therapy or medication, then I'd be OK with that.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

With this in mind, I would have no qualms about having the conversation, because if he's not keen enough to stop seeing others, then they can have him.

I like your thinking. 🤗

[Lotsgoingon]

If you cannot read him, then he's not going to be a good partner for you. Period.

I had an ex who was the most insecure sometimes downright paranoid person I've ever dated. Could shout my love for her in the morning and then in the evening, she wanted more affirmation. 

Depression is serious. Runs in my family. I am treated for it. I can tell people honestly that I have been in remission for two decades and before then it was a low-grade chronic, energy-sapping thing. I could always go to work and perform there. I just came home and had no energy. 

He should be able to tell you with reassuring specifics about his depression. Vagueness is not allowed. I would not date another person with a history of depression who is vague about their depression in the slightest. You cannot love someone out of depression. It's a serious and devastating and sometimes crippling condition. And being in relationship does not solve depression.  Plenty of married people are seriously depressed. 

Bottom line---get out this thing. There are only loud danger signals here. Get out! In a good relationship, the person reassures you period. Their presence reassures you. Their words reassure you. And their body language and the way they treat you reassure you. By "reassure," I mean you can avoid thinking about whether this person likes you, loves you, wants commitment with. If you have to think about this, then the relationship ain't working.

Get out! 

[OKtoday]

He may have seen you online also and now wondering himself why you were on there.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Lifeasasignlelady22 said:

 I haven't deleted it, but I haven't been on it for about a week . I decided to have a look at it and saw he was online.  

So he can see that you're on the app and online browsing as well? It's becoming unclear why you're actively on the app, claim you're fine with him dating others and at the same time upset that you noticed a notification on his phone.

Maybe the notification was that you viewed his profile? Perhaps ironically your checking up on him prompted the notification? 

Please understand, if you are able to be intimate with someone you should be able to speak to each other truthfully and sincerely instead of this app confusion. 

Edited January 23, 2024 by Wiseman2

[Lifeasasignlelady22]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So he can see that you're on the app and online browsing as well? It's becoming unclear why you're actively on the app, claim you're fine with him dating others and at the same time upset that you noticed a notification on his phone.

Maybe the notification was that you viewed his profile? Perhaps ironically your checking up on him prompted the notification? 

Please understand, if you are able to be intimate with someone you should be able to speak to each other truthfully and sincerely instead of this app confusion. 

I hadn't been online for a few when he had the notifications on his phone. I probably wouldn't  have gone on the app only for spotting the notification and then coming a little anxious I thought I would see that was a day after seeing the notification's and I saw he was active on the app. 

I am fine with him dating others, I cant really give out about it as we aren't exclusive. I have had a think about it and I think after we slept together I got worried then when I saw the notifications that he was sleeping with and dating others. Something I wasn't worried about before and now I am. I will have a talk with him about it as I don't want to date someone who is still seeing others and sleeping with others for all I know. 

I know they say dating is a numbers game and so on but I don't want to be an option for anyone. I suppose after 5/6 dates he should know if he wants to pursue it more and its not a good sign really if he is still looking for others.