One sided infatuation. Am I wasting his time?

[ShyViolet]

So this relationship has been entirely virtual and online except for three in-person visits.  And you wonder why you don't feel a deep connection with him?  Dating is an in-person activity, not something you can do through endless texting and phone calls.  He is a pen pal who you have had three in-person visits with.  If you're looking for a real relationship where you can feel "head over heels" and connected to someone, this is not the way to do it.

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

He has strongly insinuated that he would move to where I live if it came to that stage.

It would be completely unethical to let him uproot his life and move to where you are, if you know that you are not "head over heels" for him.  That would truly be wasting his time.

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

We have regular sex so there's no problem there.

Can you explain what you mean by this when you have only visited him in person three times?

[ZA Dater]

15 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I was going to post this in long-distance, but it's actually more of a general dating question. I've been dating a guy for a while now and I've been very much enjoying my time with him. He's very sweet and takes very good care of me. He ticks all the boxes for a serious relationship. We are a couple now, but I have this lingering doubt of whether he could be "the one" or not.

I've not had much luck in dating throughout my life. I'm in my mid to late thirties now and I've only ever said "I love you" to one man before, and that was over ten years ago. I've had very few serious relationships, and even those few were very short lived.

I feel like even though I've dated many men in the past, I'm still inexperienced in serious relationships and don't know what I should be expecting. I can tell my boyfriend is head over heels for me, and I'm worried he's close to say "I love you" yet I am far from saying that to him. I can't tell if he could be someone I settle down with for the rest of my life or not. I also feel like I'm at a crucial point in making this decision as I've been asked to attend friend's weddings and people are wondering if he will be attending with me. That would be a major step for me if I said yes.

Overall I am enjoying my time with him, but I can't say that I'm infatuated with him like he is with me. But maybe that's my own personality as I never get excited about anything! This is the best relationship I've had to date in my life, but I'm always questioning myself as to whether I should expect to be feeling more.

Has anyone else experienced this? Do I keep dating as long as I'm enjoying myself or is there a point where I start to consider that I'm wasting his time if we're not at the same level of attraction?

I think the small problem here is that you maybe have less attraction to him than he does to you, combined with all of your past experience you are maybe feeling like "is this really it" because your past experiences have been less than ideal. Maybe something to do is to think about what your ideal relationship would be and then look at this one and see whether your want is realistic and how this relationship matches or does not your ideal idea of a relationship.

For what its worth I think what you are feeling is very normal, the only dated anyone, I had much the same feeling for a lot of the time, I can tell you for me it ended badly where I let this feeling take over and the entire relationship collapsed as a result.

What I should have done was communicate this feeling, you need to communicate with him I think.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, lovesfool said:

 There has never been a day where we have not messaged each other morning to night since we met.

You could try that. Texting 24/7 sounds exhausting.  If you are not that into him you're wasting your time, not his. 

[Alpacalia]

17 hours ago, lovesfool said:

My friends have told me that I don't get excited or passionate about anything. Maybe I should be seeking contentment and not this idea of wild passion that I see in romance movies.

That's good that you pointed that out (that you do not get excited or passionate about anything) because that tells me that 1) this may or may not be a relationship thing and 2) it could be something that's within you you're looking for that passion and excitement to fill and it isn't happening.

Why do you have this tendency to not get excited or passionate about things as it may be affecting all aspects of your life, not just your relationship?

Think for a moment. If you don't get excited or passionate about anything, how can you expect to get excited or passionate in a relationship? How about having coffee at your go to (grocery store). It's not a nerve-wracking event, but excitement because you like the experience of getting coffee, a danish or an oat bar and JUST sitting outside on a nice summer day listening to music. 

Maybe see what to do instead of expecting someone else to 'make' you feel happy and content. Find it for yourself. That's how life works. It doesn't come prepackaged.

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, lovesfool said:

My friends have told me that I don't get excited or passionate about anything. Maybe I should be seeking contentment and not this idea of wild passion that I see in romance movies.

I do feel you are wasting this guys time and emotions if you don't feel the same about him as he does about you.  Let him go, he deserves someone with mutual feelings.

Edited January 23, 2024 by stillafool

[Gaeta]

17 hours ago, lovesfool said:

My friends have told me that I don't get excited or passionate about anything. Maybe I should be seeking contentment and not this idea of wild passion that I see in romance movies.

There are different ways of falling in love. I don't do 'over the top falling in love', I fall in love over a certain period of time but my love is deep, true, solid as a rock. For it to happen all the ingredients have to be there. I have to have respect for him, I have to trust him, he has to make me feel safe, he has to be a man of integrity. It usually happens over the course of 3 months. Every day my feelings for him have to grow then I fall in love, then I experience the romance. 

Maybe you don't have all the ingredients present to fall in love? maybe you have feelings but they've stopped gowning? 

 

[Weezy1973]

17 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Maybe I should be seeking contentment and not this idea of wild passion that I see in romance movies.

Yes, using movies or pop songs  as a model for what a relationship should look like is certainly problematic. Wild passion is almost always fueled by our own thoughts and doesn’t  really have much to do with the other person. If you’re a more practical thinker than your mind just might not go to a place where “wild passion” is possible. Things that are more important than passion:

1. Friendship. Do you like hanging out together and being in each other’s company?

2. Sexual compatibility. Do you broadly like the same things, have similar drives and have consistent orgasms?

3. Relationship compatibility. Are you both looking for the same things from a relationship? So both looking for something long term.

4. Similar core values. Do you both try to live by those values that define your character?

 

All of those things will usually add up to a healthy long term relationship. The passion, even when it does exist, will give way to a stable more consistent love anyways, so holding out for it is kind of pointless. And to be clear “wild passion” isn’t some sort of secret code that you’ve met “the one”. In fact wild passion is often the start of extremely dysfunctional relationships. It has no bearing on the quality of the person you’re with, nor your long term compatibility. 

[NuevoYorko]

Maybe you're just realistic.  You've met in person 3 times.  You have no way forward to a future together, so it seems to be existing in a kind of fantasy world, which is common for long distance IMO.  

[lovesfool]

19 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

So this relationship has been entirely virtual and online except for three in-person visits.  And you wonder why you don't feel a deep connection with him?  Dating is an in-person activity, not something you can do through endless texting and phone calls.  He is a pen pal who you have had three in-person visits with.  If you're looking for a real relationship where you can feel "head over heels" and connected to someone, this is not the way to do it.

It would be completely unethical to let him uproot his life and move to where you are, if you know that you are not "head over heels" for him.  That would truly be wasting his time.

Can you explain what you mean by this when you have only visited him in person three times?

I agree it's more difficult to develop a connection virtually, but I can tell he has strong feelings for me and he's dealing with the same arrangement!

I would never ask him to move if I wasn't completely committed to a long-term relationship. He just said that he would consider it if it came to that point.

The question about regular sex was phrased in the sense that there's sexual compatibility, which there is. We have sex almost every day we're together.

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

That's good that you pointed that out (that you do not get excited or passionate about anything) because that tells me that 1) this may or may not be a relationship thing and 2) it could be something that's within you you're looking for that passion and excitement to fill and it isn't happening.

Why do you have this tendency to not get excited or passionate about things as it may be affecting all aspects of your life, not just your relationship?

Think for a moment. If you don't get excited or passionate about anything, how can you expect to get excited or passionate in a relationship? How about having coffee at your go to (grocery store). It's not a nerve-wracking event, but excitement because you like the experience of getting coffee, a danish or an oat bar and JUST sitting outside on a nice summer day listening to music. 

Maybe see what to do instead of expecting someone else to 'make' you feel happy and content. Find it for yourself. That's how life works. It doesn't come prepackaged.

I've no idea why I don't feel excitement in my life. Do I look forward to things? Sure! But do I lay awake thinking about a vacation or something new I'm planning on buying? No. Maybe it's a genetic thing. I would say that my siblings are similarly minded.

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

I do feel you are wasting this guys time and emotions if you don't feel the same about him as he does about you.  Let him go, he deserves someone with mutual feelings.

So in any relationship if someone reaches the point of saying "I love you" before the other then they should break up?

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes, using movies or pop songs  as a model for what a relationship should look like is certainly problematic. Wild passion is almost always fueled by our own thoughts and doesn’t  really have much to do with the other person. If you’re a more practical thinker than your mind just might not go to a place where “wild passion” is possible. Things that are more important than passion:

1. Friendship. Do you like hanging out together and being in each other’s company?

2. Sexual compatibility. Do you broadly like the same things, have similar drives and have consistent orgasms?

3. Relationship compatibility. Are you both looking for the same things from a relationship? So both looking for something long term.

4. Similar core values. Do you both try to live by those values that define your character?

 

All of those things will usually add up to a healthy long term relationship. The passion, even when it does exist, will give way to a stable more consistent love anyways, so holding out for it is kind of pointless. And to be clear “wild passion” isn’t some sort of secret code that you’ve met “the one”. In fact wild passion is often the start of extremely dysfunctional relationships. It has no bearing on the quality of the person you’re with, nor your long term compatibility. 

I am very much a practical thinker. I wouldn't think of myself of a stereotypical romantic either. On each of your points I would say:

1. Yes I enjoy spending time with him!

2. Yes we like the same things and orgasm as much as much as I would hope!

3. We are both looking for long-term relationships.

4. We are very very compatible on our core values and morals. He has not done anything which made me think "oh, that's not how I would behave in that situation"

I think a big problem is that I am comparing myself to every other relationship when I know I'm not like everyone else! My friends wonder how I'm single all these years. The only thing preventing me from finding a solid relationship is my own expectations. 

[Gaeta]

 

You cannot compare yourself with other couples if they are not in long distance relationships, you got to compare apple with apple. 

[Alpacalia]

41 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I think a big problem is that I am comparing myself to every other relationship

Well. That's a problem in and of itself.

Edited January 23, 2024 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

54 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I agree it's more difficult to develop a connection virtually, but I can tell he has strong feelings for me and he's dealing with the same arrangement!

Long distance relationships that didn't start off "in real life" have a very poor survival rate because there is such a strong element of fantasy.  Obviously this is because the people don't really know each other.  

I would advise you not to think so much about how the "infatuation"  is one sided, and just stick with your recognition that it's actually INFATUATION and not love.   

I think things like this are romantic and fun, and rarely get further.  Just let him know that you're enjoying your times with him, and don't be leading him on with future planning.  Keep it in the moment.

[stillafool]

On 1/23/2024 at 3:00 PM, lovesfool said:

So in any relationship if someone reaches the point of saying "I love you" before the other then they should break up?

Yes, especially if the other doesn't feel "in love" after dating a while.  No one wants a one-sided relationship.  It's not fair and rather selfish because you're keeping that person from finding someone who will love them the same way they love, which you can't do.  Otherwise, it seems like you're holding onto him just to have a man in your life.

Edited January 25, 2024 by stillafool

[Gaeta]

On 1/23/2024 at 3:00 PM, lovesfool said:

I am very much a practical thinker. I wouldn't think of myself of a stereotypical romantic either. On each of your points I would say:

4. We are very very compatible on our core values and morals. He has not done anything which made me think "oh, that's not how I would behave in that situation"

I am calling upon your practical mind. You know you have not spent enough time together to judge if you are compatible and share same core values and morals. This is all talk up to now. The compatibility is tested when we spend real-time together day in day out. You don't spend that much time together so when you visit all of your attention is on each other, of course it's always a great experience but it's not representative of who you are at the core or who he is at the core. That is often the problem with long distance relationships, once the distance is elimitated you don't recognize the person you've been dating. People discover a much different person. 

[NuevoYorko]

I am getting the idea that you're enjoying an ego boost from having this guy be more into you than you are him.   

Since there is not any realistic path for a future together, and you believe he's infatuated with you while you are "meh" about him, please just end it.   If you want to casually date - it's a good idea to do that with men who also want to keep it casual.  

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

If you want to casually date - it's a good idea to do that with men who also want to keep it casual.  

This^ and there are plenty of men out there who only want casual so you should have no trouble finding one.

[Alpacalia]

I just want to say that my cousin and his wife started long-distance (2,000 miles) and his now wife ended up moving. 

I know people say these things don't happen, but they very much do. You're just not going to hear about them as much because of the mindset of so many people in the younger generation who feel waiting for someone, or for something that seems hard to 'attain' is not worth it.

Our mindset has drastically shifted into this technological anything goes world. I honestly think it's so sad that it makes it truly hard for good people to find each other.

When you are ready and the time is right, that one person will pop up in your life, and then the rest is history.

Sorry to say that this doesn't sound like a man you can love... personally I prefer being unhappily alone than in a relationship with someone I didn't love.

That being said, you are OVER THINKING this. Who knows what "love" will hit you, why do you put that idea in your head? Why do you assume because you haven't felt full-on romantic "love" that it won't hit one day like a ton of bricks?

You really should stop dating this guy. He deserves someone who thinks they could one day love him. You deserve a man you can love. Right now you are just spinning your wheels.

[lovesfool]

On 1/25/2024 at 6:07 PM, NuevoYorko said:

I am getting the idea that you're enjoying an ego boost from having this guy be more into you than you are him.   

Since there is not any realistic path for a future together, and you believe he's infatuated with you while you are "meh" about him, please just end it.   If you want to casually date - it's a good idea to do that with men who also want to keep it casual.  

If you knew me you would certainly know that I am not someone who looks for an ego boost! I'm actually someone who feels slightly abashed when receiving compliments or attention.

I never once said that I wanted to casually date either so I don't know where you've gotten that idea from!

On 1/25/2024 at 7:42 PM, Alpacalia said:

I just want to say that my cousin and his wife started long-distance (2,000 miles) and his now wife ended up moving. 

I know people say these things don't happen, but they very much do. You're just not going to hear about them as much because of the mindset of so many people in the younger generation who feel waiting for someone, or for something that seems hard to 'attain' is not worth it.

Our mindset has drastically shifted into this technological anything goes world. I honestly think it's so sad that it makes it truly hard for good people to find each other.

When you are ready and the time is right, that one person will pop up in your life, and then the rest is history.

Sorry to say that this doesn't sound like a man you can love... personally I prefer being unhappily alone than in a relationship with someone I didn't love.

That being said, you are OVER THINKING this. Who knows what "love" will hit you, why do you put that idea in your head? Why do you assume because you haven't felt full-on romantic "love" that it won't hit one day like a ton of bricks?

You really should stop dating this guy. He deserves someone who thinks they could one day love him. You deserve a man you can love. Right now you are just spinning your wheels.

If this is not a man I can love, then I can never fall in love. This is the best relationship I've ever had and you think I should end it because there may be something better out there? Isn't that the ultimate no-no in dating?

And should I even be expecting to be falling in love when we've only spent 3 weeks together in person? I'm a person who struggles with dating and it sounds like you're telling me to give up because I haven't fallen for him yet, but also that I'm overthinking the fact that he's more into me. I am so confused and don't know what to do.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

If this is not a man I can love, then I can never fall in love. This is the best relationship I've ever had and you think I should end it because there may be something better out there? Isn't that the ultimate no-no in dating?

And should I even be expecting to be falling in love when we've only spent 3 weeks together in person? I'm a person who struggles with dating and it sounds like you're telling me to give up because I haven't fallen for him yet, but also that I'm overthinking the fact that he's more into me. I am so confused and don't know what to do.

I didn't realize that it's only been three weeks in person and you're already talking about the L word. I thought this is someone that you posted about before that you've been dating for much longer. That changes things a bit.

Maybe you're just freaking out a bit because he's been more vocal about his feelings. You're questioning if you should be feeling more for him at this point in the relationship. 3 weeks in, most people are pretty smitten. That doesn't mean you have to be.

I'm saying that you shouldn't be pushing something just because you're thinking that he's the best thing that has ever happened to you. There's a difference between those doubts being a normal part of the process and not feeling that sense of excitement or connection with someone. It's possible that you two just have different levels of emotional intensity and that's something you'll need to come to terms with.

But 3 weeks is a very short time and you shouldn't be pushing yourself into a declaration in either direction. If you're on the fence, then you should just continue to date him casually without trying to get yourself to this idea that there must be a progression.

Edited February 5, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

 I'm overthinking the fact that he's more into me. I am so confused and don't know what to do.

Have you spoken to him frankly about it? This way he can make an informed choice if you're finally honest about not being as into him as you believe he's into you. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

If this is not a man I can love, then I can never fall in love

where is that practical mind you've been talking about? You say you have a practical mind but I am not seeing it in your posting. These types of statements are emotional, not practical. 

A practical mind would understand:

1. Love develops over time in the presence of the other & you have not spent enough time together at this point.

2. A practical mind go right into the immigration issues. He says he's ready to uproot himself and move to you but where is he from, is it a country where he needs a visa or not, what is the procedure, will his education be recognized in your country, you're looking at how many years of financially supporting him before he can work, does he have children, does he leave his children behind. 

3. Who pays for these international trips to visit  you/him?

I have a couple of horror stories of ladies who've been on vacation and some tropical spots, they came back thinking they had met the love of their life, within 2 years they had spent a fortune to have the guy moved to Canada, and he disappeared as soon as he touched ground. 

So, forget about falling in love for a moment and let's be practical !

[lovesfool]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you spoken to him frankly about it? This way he can make an informed choice if you're finally honest about not being as into him as you believe he's into you. 

I have not yet, but I did drop some small comments but I will certainly need to say something.

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

where is that practical mind you've been talking about? You say you have a practical mind but I am not seeing it in your posting. These types of statements are emotional, not practical. 

A practical mind would understand:

1. Love develops over time in the presence of the other & you have not spent enough time together at this point.

2. A practical mind go right into the immigration issues. He says he's ready to uproot himself and move to you but where is he from, is it a country where he needs a visa or not, what is the procedure, will his education be recognized in your country, you're looking at how many years of financially supporting him before he can work, does he have children, does he leave his children behind. 

3. Who pays for these international trips to visit  you/him?

I have a couple of horror stories of ladies who've been on vacation and some tropical spots, they came back thinking they had met the love of their life, within 2 years they had spent a fortune to have the guy moved to Canada, and he disappeared as soon as he touched ground. 

So, forget about falling in love for a moment and let's be practical !

To address each of your comments:

1. My main worry is that he has fallen for me already and I'm not on the same level. To get on the same level I feel like you need to see each other regularly (weekly). We do video calls, but is that enough to really develop a deep romantic connection?

2. Not a worry. He has already thought about all of this and it's a non-issue.

3. We pay for ourselves and this is also not an issue as we are both financially stable.

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

2. Not a worry. He has already thought about all of this and it's a non-issue.

He thought about it? 

About you look into it, and inform yourself properly. Migrating in a different country is never a non-issue. 

[NuevoYorko]

Please consider the title you chose for this thread:  One sided infatuation. Am I wasting his time?

First of all, "one sided."  If it's one sided, YES you are wasting YOUR time.    And to some extent his, but that's not really your responsibility.

But I'm more concerned about "INFATUATION."  

I noted before that it's meaningful that you identify this as "infatuation" and not something that is associated with sustainable relationships.   

Then I looked back at your other threads about this situation.   You are in contact literally 24/7.  Does he have a personal life at all?    He asked you to be his girlfriend the first time you met, and both of you act like immigration is no big deal.   

It's all unrealistic.  My main concern though is that he's evidently in lala land with his infatuation to the point where I might consider it love bombing.  

Maybe you need to be more concerned about the reality factors than whether he is more into you than you are him.  The way you describe his "infatuation" really does sound like something that is not going to translate well into real life under any circumstances.

And please, explore the laws for immigration where you live.  Clearly it's not the USA.  Immigrating to the USA is not simple.  Marriage is the "easiest" path to a green card but it's still not a slam dunk and a lot of things can cause expensive and potentially road blocking complications.

 

[lovesfool]

On 2/5/2024 at 5:39 PM, Gaeta said:

He thought about it? 

About you look into it, and inform yourself properly. Migrating in a different country is never a non-issue. 

I did. I'm aware of the steps involved and so is he. Obviously steps involved and not straight forward, but we know what needs to be done and he is happy to do it if it comes to that. This is why it's not an issue.

On 2/6/2024 at 5:05 PM, NuevoYorko said:

Please consider the title you chose for this thread:  One sided infatuation. Am I wasting his time?

First of all, "one sided."  If it's one sided, YES you are wasting YOUR time.    And to some extent his, but that's not really your responsibility.

But I'm more concerned about "INFATUATION."  

I noted before that it's meaningful that you identify this as "infatuation" and not something that is associated with sustainable relationships.   

Then I looked back at your other threads about this situation.   You are in contact literally 24/7.  Does he have a personal life at all?    He asked you to be his girlfriend the first time you met, and both of you act like immigration is no big deal.   

It's all unrealistic.  My main concern though is that he's evidently in lala land with his infatuation to the point where I might consider it love bombing.  

Maybe you need to be more concerned about the reality factors than whether he is more into you than you are him.  The way you describe his "infatuation" really does sound like something that is not going to translate well into real life under any circumstances.

And please, explore the laws for immigration where you live.  Clearly it's not the USA.  Immigrating to the USA is not simple.  Marriage is the "easiest" path to a green card but it's still not a slam dunk and a lot of things can cause expensive and potentially road blocking complications.

 

I said one sided "infatuation". I did not say that I didn't like or care for him.

The issue with being in contact 24/7 thing is really confusing me. Here it seems like a red flag, but anyone else that I know that has been in a relationship tells me that they were in contact every day, at least once they were official. I don't know how I could not be in contact with him every day, unless I decide to ignore his messages or explicitly tell him I'm going to blank him for 24 hours!

I had to google "love bombing" to understand what you were trying to suggest! I think Wiki describes my situation best:

The key to understanding how love bombing differs from romantic courtship is to look at what happens next, after two people are officially a couple. If extravagant displays of affection continue indefinitely, if actions match words, and there is no devaluation phase, then it's probably not love bombing. That much attention might get annoying after a while, but it’s not unhealthy in and of itself.

There is no manipulation here. I'm very independent and not easily swayed to do something I don't want to do. I am starting to feel like I should say something about being a little overwhelmed with all the attention he gives. I'm not used to it and it makes me a little uncomfortable. I know that no matter what I say to address my concerns it will come across badly and I will offend him.

Regarding immigration, I never said I was in the US! I don't want to say exactly where I am for privacy reasons, but trust me, immigration is not a problem.