Gaeta Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 1 hour ago, lovesfool said: I know that no matter what I say to address my concerns it will come across badly and I will offend him Shouldn't that be a red flag? If something as trivial as this: *honey, slow down a bit sometimes l feel overwhelmed* offends him, then you may want to think this relationship over again. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 (edited) 10 hours ago, lovesfool said: I said one sided "infatuation". I did not say that I didn't like or care for him. I know, I read your posts. I am talking about INFATUATION. As you certainly know, "infatuation" is not necessarily related to "love" or "compatibility" at all. It's a whole different ball game. So you "like" and "care for" the guy, and you think highly of him (like he is a "catch"). And he's in the throes of a "once sided infatuation." Does not sound like there is much to work with here. Quote The issue with being in contact 24/7 thing is really confusing me. Here it seems like a red flag, but anyone else that I know that has been in a relationship tells me that they were in contact every day, at least once they were official. I don't know how I could not be in contact with him every day, unless I decide to ignore his messages or explicitly tell him I'm going to blank him for 24 hours! Being in contact every day is a far cry from "24/7." Quote There is no manipulation here. I'm very independent and not easily swayed to do something I don't want to do. I am starting to feel like I should say something about being a little overwhelmed with all the attention he gives. I'm not used to it and it makes me a little uncomfortable. I know that no matter what I say to address my concerns it will come across badly and I will offend him. Ok. I am not suggesting he's "manipulating." More that he just decided that you are THE ONE and has been coming on inappropriately strong. Asking you to be his girlfriend the first time you met ... this 24/7 contact ... INFATUATION. And it is a significant issue that you are not even capable of telling him that 24/7 contact and him coming on so strong without offending him. Walking on eggshells.That is what I'm talking about. Quote Regarding immigration, I never said I was in the US! I don't want to say exactly where I am for privacy reasons, but trust me, immigration is not a problem. I know that. I specifically said that the US would not be such a piece of cake, and several other countries also make it quite a chore. Edited February 11 by NuevoYorko 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 (edited) Please be frank, honest and sincere with him about your feelings and "all the attention he gives you" and how you feel about that as well. Please respect him enough to make informed decisions about spending time on you rather than harbor these feelings and being misleading. Edited February 12 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted February 15 Author Share Posted February 15 On 2/11/2024 at 2:17 PM, Gaeta said: Shouldn't that be a red flag? If something as trivial as this: *honey, slow down a bit sometimes l feel overwhelmed* offends him, then you may want to think this relationship over again. Right? I'm probably exaggerating. I just worry about upsetting him. On 2/11/2024 at 10:54 PM, NuevoYorko said: I know, I read your posts. I am talking about INFATUATION. As you certainly know, "infatuation" is not necessarily related to "love" or "compatibility" at all. It's a whole different ball game. So you "like" and "care for" the guy, and you think highly of him (like he is a "catch"). And he's in the throes of a "once sided infatuation." Does not sound like there is much to work with here. Being in contact every day is a far cry from "24/7." Ok. I am not suggesting he's "manipulating." More that he just decided that you are THE ONE and has been coming on inappropriately strong. Asking you to be his girlfriend the first time you met ... this 24/7 contact ... INFATUATION. And it is a significant issue that you are not even capable of telling him that 24/7 contact and him coming on so strong without offending him. Walking on eggshells.That is what I'm talking about. I know that. I specifically said that the US would not be such a piece of cake, and several other countries also make it quite a chore. I think I realised the "problem". He had been pursuing me for about a year before I realised he could be a potential suitor. I thought subconsciously that "Oh he lives so far away. This guy is a nice pen-pal to have." But he never thought that from the start. Maybe it's less infatuation but closer to love as he started developing this connection a lot earlier than me. I was responding to other comments who thought being in contact with him every shared waking hour was excessive. That may not literally be 24/7, but maybe 10 hours of every day. He even wakes up in the middle of the night and messages me. I'm not sure if I said he asked me to be his girlfriend the first time we met. He may have said in a round about way that he would be happy to be my boyfriend but never asked me to be. On 2/12/2024 at 4:16 AM, Wiseman2 said: Please be frank, honest and sincere with him about your feelings and "all the attention he gives you" and how you feel about that as well. Please respect him enough to make informed decisions about spending time on you rather than harbor these feelings and being misleading. I am going to have a conversation with him today. I hope it goes okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 5 hours ago, lovesfool said: That may not literally be 24/7, but maybe 10 hours of every day. He even wakes up in the middle of the night and messages me. How can you be productive at work if you maintain this type of communication? He sounds like someone suffering from emotional dependency. All of your other relationships must suffer from this excessive communication. You cannot concentrate 100% on a friend, a child, a parent for a day or even half a day. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 5 hours ago, lovesfool said: I'm probably exaggerating. I just worry about upsetting him. If you feel his feelings for you are stronger than yours for him, why are you worried about upsetting him because he's moving too fast for you? What are you afraid of? Him ending it? If so, your feelings weren't matching his anyway. So he'd be doing you a favor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted February 15 Author Share Posted February 15 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: How can you be productive at work if you maintain this type of communication? He sounds like someone suffering from emotional dependency. All of your other relationships must suffer from this excessive communication. You cannot concentrate 100% on a friend, a child, a parent for a day or even half a day. I limit my responses to maybe once per hour if I can. Sometimes I'm in meetings and cannot respond regardless. How do you change the communication method? I think I'd prefer a period in the evening where we catch up every day as opposed to a continuous conversation that doesn't end. Do I straight up tell him? 1 hour ago, stillafool said: If you feel his feelings for you are stronger than yours for him, why are you worried about upsetting him because he's moving too fast for you? What are you afraid of? Him ending it? If so, your feelings weren't matching his anyway. So he'd be doing you a favor. I just don't like hurting people in general! Is it unusual to not want to make people feel bad? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 Just now, lovesfool said: I just don't like hurting people in general! Is it unusual to not want to make people feel bad? Of course not, but not at the expense of your own feelings and staying quiet about things that bother you for someone you're not all in for anyway. How is it helping him to be with someone who is not sure they even want him? This isn't fair to either of you. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 A situation that requires interaction once per hour is ... way, way out there. Rather than worrying about how much more into you he is than you are into him, I suggest considering his evident character trait of dependency, and evident lack of any kind of life. It's seriously concerning. Surely you realize that this is way out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted February 15 Author Share Posted February 15 42 minutes ago, stillafool said: Of course not, but not at the expense of your own feelings and staying quiet about things that bother you for someone you're not all in for anyway. How is it helping him to be with someone who is not sure they even want him? This isn't fair to either of you. I am going to have a conversation with him today. I'm not saying I don't want to be with him, I'm just not as into him as he is into me in this moment. 20 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: A situation that requires interaction once per hour is ... way, way out there. Rather than worrying about how much more into you he is than you are into him, I suggest considering his evident character trait of dependency, and evident lack of any kind of life. It's seriously concerning. Surely you realize that this is way out there. I'm not sure that it "requires" interaction once per hour. It's like a running conversation that's spread across the full day. I actually thought this was normal in a relationship (particularly long distance) until I posted here! What would you be expecting? Do you really think he lacks a life? There is a time difference between us so he basically messages me entirely through his working day so I wouldn't say he has no life. He just has work downtime to be able to send messages to me I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 OP you're not calibrated to one another. It's really that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 (edited) 32 minutes ago, lovesfool said: I'm not sure that it "requires" interaction once per hour. It's like a running conversation that's spread across the full day. I actually thought this was normal in a relationship (particularly long distance) until I posted here! What would you be expecting? I simply would not ever communicate with any person hourly - not my date, spouse, friend, kid ... I don't think that constant access to "chatter" is useful or positive for anyone. If I am doing something I prefer to be engaged in that - whether it's work, hanging out with friends, sleeping, reading, doing a recreational activity. I thought THIS was "normal." Neither you or this guy are functioning fully in your personal lives if you are texting hourly through your days. Why must you be accessible to each other at all moments? Is there a deep insecurity at play? Edited February 15 by NuevoYorko 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted February 15 Author Share Posted February 15 28 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: OP you're not calibrated to one another. It's really that simple. Sounds like an over simplification! 10 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: I simply would not ever communicate with any person hourly - not my date, spouse, friend, kid ... I don't think that constant access to "chatter" is useful or positive for anyone. If I am doing something I prefer to be engaged in that - whether it's work, hanging out with friends, sleeping, reading, doing a recreational activity. I thought THIS was "normal." Neither you or this guy are functioning fully in your personal lives if you are texting hourly through your days. Why must you be accessible to each other at all moments? Is there a deep insecurity at play? I disagree to some extent. Everyone should be taking short breaks throughout their working day or else you would burnout. In my office the majority of people are regularly checking out things on their phone so your average person is not working constantly. If you are for instance in the gym, you have rest periods where you're doing nothing. If you're commuting on public transport your time is completely free. I'm confident everyone has brief moments throughout their day to message their partner that is not interrupting anything. I'm not really sure what the issue is really. I'm not saying it isn't an issue, I just don't understand it. He messages me with something quite light-hearted and I respond in kind. It's not a deep and meaningful conversation we are having through the day. It's a mixture of what are you up to currently and sending funny memes! If you received a message from your partner that only required a single sentence response, would you just ignore it even if you had the time to reply? I'm genuinely curious! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 Honestly is the best policy in general and for any sort of close relationship in particular. This is all you need to do. "I'm just not as into him as he is into me in this moment" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 (edited) So here is my theory on people needing this constant communication. It's proven that when we receive a message from our loved one we get a hit of dopamine to the brain. I think your boyfriend is addicted to the dopamine hit and he's also needs instant gratification. He is cligny and needy and the dopamine is his fix. I love getting a text from my bf but I do not wish him to text me every hour, we actually do not text at all during the day, even if we have a down moment. We catch up in the evening by calling. We can delay hearing each other's voice and enjoy that gratification later because we are not needy/cligny, we can exist outside of our relationship. So, don't you want to know what your bf is really made of? I am suggesting to you to talk to him about slowing down the texting during the day, to text at lunch and to catch up in the evening....like normal people/couple. I am 99.999% certain he will soon insinuate you don't love him, you are maybe cheating, he's not important to you, etc. This is the type of man you are dealing with here. Edited February 15 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 58 minutes ago, lovesfool said: If you received a message from your partner that only required a single sentence response, would you just ignore it even if you had the time to reply? I'm genuinely curious! If I receive a message from bf during the day I reply of course but it's not your situation, you are receiving several messages a day, hourly messages. If my bf did that I would tell him I cannot reply to him at every hour of the day so a text from him at lunch is fun and then we can talk at night. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesfool Posted February 15 Author Share Posted February 15 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: So here is my theory on people needing this constant communication. It's proven that when we receive a message from our loved one we get a hit of dopamine to the brain. I think your boyfriend is addicted to the dopamine hit and he's also needs instant gratification. He is cligny and needy and the dopamine is his fix. I love getting a text from my bf but I do not wish him to text me every hour, we actually do not text at all during the day, even if we have a down moment. We catch up in the evening by calling. We can delay hearing each other's voice and enjoy that gratification later because we are not needy/cligny, we can exist outside of our relationship. So, don't you want to know what your bf is really made of? I am suggesting to you to talk to him about slowing down the texting during the day, to text at lunch and to catch up in the evening....like normal people/couple. I am 99.999% certain he will soon insinuate you don't love him, you are maybe cheating, he's not important to you, etc. This is the type of man you are dealing with here. "This is the type of man you are dealing with here." It sounds like you've been stung one too many times with relationships in the past! Unfortunately I won't take be taking advice from someone who can say something with such confidence without even knowing the person. If you said "there's a chance he might think this" I would have listened, but to say you're 99.999% is just crazy! Thank you for replying regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 (edited) 1 hour ago, lovesfool said: "This is the type of man you are dealing with here." It sounds like you've been stung one too many times with relationships in the past! Unfortunately I won't take be taking advice from someone who can say something with such confidence without even knowing the person. If you said "there's a chance he might think this" I would have listened, but to say you're 99.999% is just crazy! Thank you for replying regardless. No, actually it never happenned to me, l would not date someone like that but l have a couple of close friends who are emotionally dependant, cligny, needy and they've confined in me for years. I don't know him personally and l don't need to. Needy/cligny people have many common denominators. If you put together 12 women that have dated men needing constant communication you will have a lot in common to talk about. If l am wrong then l'll be happy that he was among the exceptions. Ask him kindly to reduce the amount of communication during the day and see for yourself, don't take my word for it, of course you don't tave to take my word, check for yourself because it's important you know who you're dating. Edited February 15 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 16 Share Posted February 16 (edited) 9 hours ago, lovesfool said: I disagree to some extent. Everyone should be taking short breaks throughout their working day or else you would burnout. In my office the majority of people are regularly checking out things on their phone so your average person is not working constantly. If you are for instance in the gym, you have rest periods where you're doing nothing. If you're commuting on public transport your time is completely free. I'm confident everyone has brief moments throughout their day to message their partner that is not interrupting anything. I feel like you are being disingenuous. I am not talking about working all day without taking any breaks, I am specifically talking about being in a situation where you are expected to respond to a text on average once per hour; this includes being awakened in the middle of your night's sleep. You are unlikely to find many people who would agree that this is "normal" or in any way a good thing. Quote If you received a message from your partner that only required a single sentence response, would you just ignore it even if you had the time to reply? I'm genuinely curious! Why would I "ignore" it? I don't ignore messages from my partner. Also, I am not trying to "limit responses to once per hour "IF I CAN" like you are. (This begs the question: Why couldn't you? ) My partner knows that if I'm in the middle of something, which might include simply THINKING or looking out the window, I am not down for texting chatter and neither are they. Same goes for my daughter, if you're thinking that this is some kind of generational thing. I will respond to texts when I'm not busy or when I feel like it unless they are important. Frankly a person expecting constant access to someone at all hours of every day sounds alarmingly controlling to me. Anyway, I guess you are digging it since you are complying. So carry on. I would just like you to be aware that this is not indicative that he is "more into you." it's indicative that he is needy and controlling. So I hope that these qualities are things you like in a partner. You will have your hands full if you find yourselves living close to each other at some point. Edited February 16 by NuevoYorko 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 16 Share Posted February 16 9 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: it's indicative that he is needy and controlling. I am sensing that too. Lovesfool, I think it would be wise to consider this. Link to post Share on other sites
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