do go no contact?

[theflan]

Need your thoughts.

I reconnected with a female friend I've know since grade school. She lives 1600 miles away. I do go there 3 to 4 times a year. We hung on a few of the trips. And had an amazing time. We spent 6 to 7 hours a day together on the weekends. She cleared her schedule for me.  2 trips ago I made my move and she said "no this will never work." I left it at that because I wasn't going to try to convince her to have a long distance relationship. The next day she started giving me signs that I should make a move. I resisted until the last weekend I was there. We did hookup the last night I was there. We talked about how I work remotely and could be with her a good portion of the year She agreed to try a realtionship but with some protest. She would say she thought it was a bad idea.

I came back again for 40 days. Things were good the 1st few weeks I was there but I could tell it wasn't going to workout.The talk of a realtionship seemed to ruin it,

She was blowing me off so I called her and said lets go back to being friends and she was super happy. I did stop by to see her after the call. As soon as I walked in the kitchen we started kissing and had sex.

During dinner I asked if we could continue to have sex during my visits, She said yes as long as I wasn't doing it with anyone else.

I also asked if she wanted to continuing messaging everyday. I just said I would let her decide. Two hours later she texted me good night and have been texting everyday since I left.

She was on an oversees trip with the college she works for the last 2 weeks. I'm 99 percent sure she hooked up with some there. I'm not being paranoid. Technically, we aren't dating so it wasn't cheating.

I am butt hurt lol. I still have feelings for her.

I'm 57 and finding woman to date is hard. She and I have been single for a long time.

Should I just get over being butt hurt and continue being friends with benefits? I do have feelings for her so talking with her everyday might not get me over her. She told me the last night I was in town she would probably always have feeling for me.

Since I've been back I have been doing some things with singles groups so I'm getting out there. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

I wouldn't go no contact - to me, that's what one does when they have to get rid of someone who's toxic.  What I would do is be honest:  I'd tell her that you understand that the distance isn't going to work, however you're not feeling at ease with the situation and would prefer to go back to being casual contacts.   If she won't respect this, then you can block her

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, theflan said:

I'm 57 and finding woman to date is hard. She and I have been single for a long time.Should I just get over being butt hurt and continue being friends with benefits? 

If you enjoy your FWB arrangement, why not just go with the flow? You can both still see others and have each other when you visit. What makes you think she hooked up with someone on vacation? 

[theflan]

The trip was a cultural exchange type trip thru the university. As I mentioned we have been texting everyday for 7 months. Good night every night. All of a sudden nothing for almost 3 days. The day in question, she was offline from 6 pm until 8 am. That has never ever happened in the time I've know her. I asked her a question about an event she was suppose to go to which was that same night. She said she was sick that night and she didn't go. Even if she was sick so would be checking her Facebook page. The day before that there was a selfie with a guy that was looking pretty cozy.I know that doesn't sound like much but I know her. She wasn't messaging because she was doing something she didn't want to tell me. I just need to get past it. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think continuing a FWB is a wise idea here. 

You have feelings and she doesn't - not the same as yours, anyway. You're already hurting that she might have hooked up with someone else. The day will come when she starts actually dating someone, and then she won't be messaging you as frequently anymore. 

Do you really want to wait for that day to arrive before you put some emotional distance there? 

[d0nnivain]

12 hours ago, theflan said:

Should I just get over being butt hurt and continue being friends with benefits? I do have feelings for her so talking with her everyday might not get me over her. She told me the last night I was in town she would probably always have feeling for me.

 

Because you have feelings for her & those feelings got hurt when she was with somebody else I think you have to stop with the benefits portion of your friendship & steer clear of her for a while.  When together you two have enough chemistry that you burst into sex so it's unrealistic that you can easily go back to hanging out without falling into bed.  

You don't have to go full NC but low contact will do you some good until you can get over this.  

Meanwhile try to find somebody local to date so you aren't as lonely.  

[theflan]

24 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Because you have feelings for her & those feelings got hurt when she was with somebody else I think you have to stop with the benefits portion of your friendship & steer clear of her for a while.  When together you two have enough chemistry that you burst into sex so it's unrealistic that you can easily go back to hanging out without falling into bed.  

You don't have to go full NC but low contact will do you some good until you can get over this.  

Meanwhile try to find somebody local to date so you aren't as lonely.  

I was never fond of all the texting we did. I'm not big into texting all the time. I would have been good with 3 or 4 times a week. I did ask her about the messaging and if she wanted to continue. I told her I would let her decide. 3 hours later 

"Gonna say good night to you even if I'm maybe not supposed to. lol

Sweet dreams, ***. Thanks for hanging out with me today."

She messaged me the next morning before my flight and when I got home. I was hoping she would not have messaged me good night lol. This weekend she messaged me 3 days in a row and I was hoping she wouldn't. She still wants something from me. 

I am group outings with singles looking to met someone. I'm not just trying to be with her. 

I would love to get it down to texting a couple times a week,.when we have something say or share.

 

I believe we both want that but don't know how to get there.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, theflan said:

I was hoping she would not have messaged me good night lol. This weekend she messaged me 3 days in a row and I was hoping she wouldn't

Are you sure about that? If you are honest with yourself, it sounds like you were indeed hoping she'd message you, because I think you are searching for signs that she still cares or wants you in some way: 

4 hours ago, theflan said:

She still wants something from me

She wants the attention and digital companionship. Please don't mistake that for a sign of wanting something deeper. 

4 hours ago, theflan said:

I would love to get it down to texting a couple times a week

So do it. You get to decide how frequently you write and respond. It doesn't make sense to me that you let her decide for you. It's on you to draw a boundary for yourself. If frequent texting means you are going to continue living in false hope, then you need to look out for yourself an dial it down. 

 

[theflan]

Update to this. I texted her this morning that we could stop communicating for bit. She said she would honor my request not to communicate for a bit. I mentioned something that happened while I was there visiting that I had to get over If I mentioned this early you would have told me to run.

 

She had a gathering of friends at her house. She invited me via text when she knew I was on my way to pick her up. I didn't see the text for a few minutes after I got to her house. As soon as a I walked in I noticed she was acting a bit off. I was like wow she is inviting over to meet her friends. The reality is she expected me to say no. She would have got credit for inviting me but thought I would say no, She even said I thought you would say no. She preceded to freak-out. She could hardly talk. I didn't put it together til later. I asked her later if she would be comfortable with me being there. Her son was going to be there and it a a monthly tradition. She still just said like there are a lot of people blah blah but didn;t say she would be uncomfortable.

I texted her the next day that since her son and his friends and her friends would be there she should spend time with him. She was super happy after that.

 

The day after the gathering she said I was right it would have been awkward it I was there. That's when I mentioned she seemed freaked out when I didn't say no right away. That was the end of it. She was blowing me off after that. I was hurt by that. She could have just talked to me about it. I would have said it was best to spend time with her son,

 

In her reply to my text this morning this morning she apologized but said it hurt that I didn't want to spend time with her like that. That was a lie.

 

I replied with an apology and said we should do a call to talk about things, I have not gotten a reply.

 

I am an anxious person so this was causing me a lot of anxiety so I'm feeling good to be over it. I wouldn't see her anoth 12 weeks anyway. I aslo felt her text messages were just to keep me in her pocket.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

 

[Acacia98]

This all sounds very confusing, OP. No wonder you were feeling anxious. I'm glad you went no contact.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, theflan said:

 I texted her this morning that we could stop communicating for bit. She said she would honor my request not to communicate for a bit. I replied with an apology and said we should do a call to talk about things, I have not gotten a reply.

Do this is happening. Between the distance, seeing each other infrequently, being in a nebulous situationship and apparently poor communication and poor trust levels, it may be better to reconsider the situation and set yourself free.

Why bother asking for no contact then trying to drag things out with an argument, then asking her to call you? Especially with someone you rarely see and don't really have a relationship with?  Free yourself and reclaim your peace of mind and try to date local women. 

 

[theflan]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do this is happening. Between the distance, seeing each other infrequently, being in a nebulous situationship and apparently poor communication and poor trust levels, it may be better to reconsider the situation and set yourself free.

Why bother asking for no contact then trying to drag things out with an argument, then asking her to call you? Especially with someone you rarely see and don't really have a relationship with?  Free yourself and reclaim your peace of mind and try to date local women. 

 

You are correct!! That's what I need to do