CruiseMermaid Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 Hello everyone, Female here! This is my first time posting . To try and make a long story as short as possible I'll begin by saying we have been married for 33 years. The husband and I married somewhat young - and both grew up in somewhat sheltered (religious) homes and this was all PRE-"everything internet" - so maybe if I were to have a shot of doing things over we would have never gotten married in the first place due to our 'differences'. I've always been told couples fight over THREE major things: Family, Sex, and Money. That about sums it up! (But then again - I'm not naive to believe that not all relationships suffer from a discrepancy in any of those three areas ...). At the onset of our marriage - the biggest discrepancy was sex. I wanted it all the time - him 'not so much ...' (which I was actually sort of floored because being only 22 (me) and 25 (him) I figured we'd be like RABBITS. (At least that's what I 'thought'). I "should" have picked up on this before we were married (and I sort of did) - BUT remember we were from a religious family and were raised that all that was "WRONG" before marriage so I didn't think to much about it - I thought - "WHEN WE ARE MARRIED - then it will ALL be different!" .... Fast forward 2 years into the marriage - I did step outside and have what was to become an extremely long affair (also with a married man who was quite older than me (20 years my senior) who fulfilled my life immensely - for as much as it "could" be fulfilled. I continued my marriage - had 2 children (five years into the marriage) and myself and this significant other still communicate periodically today (as we are both quite older and have completely separate lives there is more of a platonic relationship now. *I KNOW what I did was WRONG - morally etc etc and etc - but the husband was not in the dark about this a few years after this began - but we just "ignored" it so to speak. Should we have gotten divorced THEN? YES more than likely. But we did not. Mostly because I never wanted to hurt the husband - and he was fine to maintain our relationship as it was. (This whole "affair" topic though is not where I'm wanting to steer this post ....) ... NOW all these years later the husband wants to keep re-hashing this affair - how I "should" have divorced him THEN "BEFORE" we had "assets" (that are to be split 50/50 .....) ..... Fast forward many years later - add the second issue into the mix "MONEY". While we both always worked - I worked 'part time' while having the kids and raising the kids. We both now work full time and have wonderful jobs. HOWEVER - the husband has the ginormous 401k - I have "not so much ...." (due to not being able to have stayed anywhere super long with jobs etc with raising the kids etc etc and etc .... Another confession - I am an avid gambler. I've done some major gambling along these years but I've gotten that under control and made up for these transgressions as well as I could for now - and continue to strive to be the best "me" I can be - BUT the husband doesn't let go of that (almost a decade ago now was when that came about). There have been issues with "family" here and there (the 3rd major thing) - but nothing to speak about - BOTH of our families get along and us with each so that's not super relative ... WE HAVE BEEN LIVING SEPARATE and SEPARATE LIVES for the past 4 years. (Only a half-block away from each other as I live with my parents and he lives with my eldest son). Initially that came about when our home had to be repaired and also my father was battling cancer so it made sense for me to live at my parents as I was my father's primary care taker. After losing my father - I've stayed because I don't want my mom to be alone. Our relationship is "civil" / "friendly" at best. We have not been intimate in OVER a decade - and his exact words to me are "Don't blame ME - blame GOD for my low sex drive ...." .... ANYWAY - I often wonder - WHY am I still married? WHY not get divorced? Herein lies the issue - as mentioned above - he has the ginormous 401k - (I do not). We own a home together but our "financial" accounts have been separate since 2015 (almost a decade). HE doesn't divorce ME simply because he doesn't feel it "fair" that I'm "entitled" by the state to half his 401k. He WILL NOT accept that. So in essence - he'll NEVER divorce me. It is pretty much in my court. And I wonder if I should "push" for that now? He feels that we should have gotten divorced YEARS ago (even BEFORE we had kids since I stepped out of the marriage) - simply because back then we were still young and had no assets etc etc and etc ... I know there is not one clear cut answer for any of this - and maybe I'm just putting my feelings onto 'paper' (screen) .... We obviously have been together for 33 years and it's not easy to say "BREAK UP AND GOOD BYE" - but then I say to myself - we have NO relationship! Why are we continuing this 'bond' of marriage? I know in my heart he IS NOT in love me - and I'm ok with that. I know in my heart I'm NOT in love with him. Believe me when I say if I said - "I won't take half your 401k" - he'd file the paperwork TOMORROW. Meanwhile - I've just recently become involved with someone who is single. As the relationship is "new" - there isn't a whole huge foundation there to work on the fact that this "could" be something "long term" - I feel I want to be honest with the husband and make him aware of this (because as I've mentioned - we've not been intimate in over a decade - and lived separate the last 4 years so why not tell him?). Anyway ... just some of my thoughts ... troubles ... dilemmas .... thank you for any input and thanks for letting me share ...... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 (edited) Please consult an attorney for accurate information support and advice on your situation. How marital assets are divided in divorce is up to the laws and courts in your jurisdiction, it's not entirely up to your husband or you. Marriage is a legal and financial contract that needs to be dissolved in court. Edited January 24 by Wiseman2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 I hope if/since you are dating - you allow the person you start seeing that you’re still married. see an attorney. You need to know how the assets are split if you do divorce. some people never divorce - but at least be honest with whoever you see/date. Some single men may never ‘intend’ to marry. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 He doesn't have to agree to the divorce - you can file and make it happen on your own. I don't know your laws, but it's likely that his superannuation will form part of the total assets, to be divided appropriately when you split. Get a lawyer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 Just consult with a solicitor and get the divorce ball rolling, 33 years is longer than you get for murder where I live so you've both served your time. If he gets uppity about the money just point out to him that, like his sex drive, it's God's will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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