Broke up with me, removed me from her life. Now back 7 weeks later

[SGS1993]

Hi,

I've just come out of a 2 year relationship in December 2023. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue, and over text message which I thought was brutal. Bipolar runs in her family, and she has never been formally diagnosed. She has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Prescribed general medications, but went off them as they made her feel "numb".

Long story short - I'm 30 and she's 35. She has a young child (4 nearly 5), who's father and family are all down near where she lives. We live about 35-40 minutes away, and we both own our own house.

Now, where things had gotten tricky is early on in the relationship (December 2021) she broke it off with me suddenly and said "She just wasn't feeling it". So, I was told that and we separated for 2 weeks. At the end of the 2 weeks, she messaged me and asked how I was going, and if I wanted to try again with her. I said yes, and we continued our relationship from then on till December 2023.

So, the main issue we had was we both own our house and work shift-working jobs. Mindful that her son has daycare arrangements, family support down where she lives; I always stayed with her most of the week most weeks around my shifts etc to be there as she had kept saying she could not come up to stay at my house due to all those reasons with daycare, family support with minding her child etc. I only returned to my house to generally up-keep it, and sleep there between night shifts as my house was conveniently close to my workplace.

As time went on, she became quite resentful about my house. I was made fun of it and ridiculed a lot, as I did need to get back there to do general up-keeping and also stay there. We had both spoken about living together in mid 2023, where we came to an agreement that I would move into her house in April/May 2024. As hard as it was, I said I would rent out my house (she had only been to my house 6 maybe 7 times maximum in 2 years...).

We had almost daily issues about the house, where she had accused me on choosing the house over the relationship. I assured her that this was not the case, and that we were both fortunate to own amazing homes and also mindful of the fact we agreed I would move in with her.

We started arguing more and more up to December 2023, as I just couldn't bite my tongue any longer. She openly pointed out other couples and how desirable they were as they lived together full-time, even drawing a comparison to our relationship with her ex spouse who has since moved in with his fiance in a brand new home.

After an argument in December 2023, she broke it off over text. Totally shut the door on me, and when I went to get my things she threatened to call the Police (which is horrific as we both work in that line of work..). I was bewildered as nothing had happened and I was calm, and as I was going to my own vehicle to drive away she snatched her garage remote from me - telling me not to ever come back. Her son who I've known since he was a baby was ushered inside from me, and she closed the garage door on me and left me outside like a complete stranger...

After this sudden breakup, I sent her a very long and nice message stating how I felt about her and still wanted things to work despite her cutting it off suddenly and brutally.

She responded, and said she did not want to continue the relationship due to the living arrangement at the time and that she felt "alone". Further stated that I am a "fly in, fly out - FIFO" boyfriend, which really hurt me as I made tremendous effort to be there with her ALL the time. She removed me off all of her social media as well. She began to post non stop on social media, pictures of herself, her son etc which she didn't really do before. Appearing happy and doing well....

Fast forward 7 weeks, I had been forced to move on. I had to return all of her and her sons XMAS presents which hurt like mad as well. 

I started posting on social media again, and as it was set to "public" she had seen my posts where I had become happy again and moved on. I went on a holiday by myself, which was shown on social media. Shortly after this I saw her on "Tinder/Dating application" to which she had seen me on there.

2-3 days after we had seen each other on the app, she messaged me out of the blue and said that she had seen my holiday pictures and me on the app.

She was profusely apologising for all that had happened, and that she wants to work it all out. She further stated that she thought the time was "a break" and not a breakup. Mind you, I had messages from her explicitly stating "I do not want to be with you anymore".

I told her I had moved on (I've seen a number of girls in the meantime as well - she doesn't know this) to which she has been calling me crying, sending me messages saying she cannot believe the relationship is over, and that she will never get over me and wait for me.

I feel absolutely confused and wrecked from this. I feel both times she has upended the relationship and has come back wanting to fix things when it suits her. She had even said to me that her son has recently been asking about seeing me as well, which I feel is being weaponised/used to manipulate me..

My friends have told me do NOT return to her, as she had really hurt me with the sudden breakup and how she had cut me out of her life. 

What upsets and annoys me the most, is that she essentially destroyed my life, and now wants to come back and "fix" what had happened. I just can't see myself ever going back...
I was doing really well moving on until she contacted me, now it feels like I am back to square one.

Any advice/words would be much appreciated as this is hard to get my head around emotionally and mentally.

 

 

Edited January 26, 2024 by SGS1993
Added text

[ShyViolet]

This woman has dumped you twice now.  Frankly, you would be a fool to let her come back into your life again.  If you two were compatible, she wouldn't have dumped you twice.  Stop letting her come back into your life whenever she feels like it. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, SGS1993 said:

She essentially destroyed my life, and now wants to come back and "fix" what had happened. I just can't see myself ever going back...

Sorry this happened. Please listen to your trusted friends and family. The relationship is too turbulent and unstable. It's more like a trauma bond than anything remotely resembling a healthy relationship.

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. 

Please set yourself free and take some time before jumping onto hookup apps for a rebound. Try to regain your peace of mind. 

 

[Acacia98]

The abrupt dumping and 180-degree turn (on 2 occasions) are bad enough. Then you have the state of your relationship when it existed. As far as I can tell, you were bending over backwards, doing more than her to make it work, and she wasn't appreciative of that. You've actually sacrificed the capacity to enjoy your own home and, presumably, time that you would spend together with your own friends and family in its vicinity. And she has been to your place, what, a total of 7 times? I can't help wondering in what other ways your relationship is unequal. And I think that your willingness to be so flexible and accommodating puts you at a disadvantage when you're in a relationship with a tremendously self-centered person who has to get her way.

I think you would be much better off dating women who were similarly accommodative to you and lived closer to you, but only after you've taken a meaningful and healing break from dating and relationships.

Edited January 26, 2024 by Acacia98

[ZA Dater]

A friend of mine went through very similar countless times with the same lady, I'd implore you for your own health to walk away for good and not be at all tempted to go back because this pattern of dumping will probably just continue and nobody needs this sort of drama.

[Acacia98]

Oh, I forgot to add: block her everywhere--on your phone, on your email, on messaging apps, on social media, on Tinder, etc. It's easier to move on when you're not being accosted by messages, calls, and demands in every direction.

And if you need any reminders as to why this relationship will not work, here are a few.

1. You are incompatible (this is apparently obvious to everyone who has responded to you thus far).

2. She's not doing everything reasonable she can to manage her mental health.

3. She consistently chooses to behave in ways that diminish you and your perspective or threaten you (altogether, they translate into emotional abuse):

• "I was made fun of it and ridiculed a lot."
• "We had almost daily issues about the house, where she had accused me on choosing the house over the relationship."
• "After an argument in December 2023, she broke it off over text. Totally shut the door on me, and when I went to get my things she threatened to call the Police (which is horrific as we both work in that line of work..). I was bewildered as nothing had happened and I was calm, and as I was going to my own vehicle to drive away she snatched her garage remote from me - telling me not to ever come back."

Edited January 26, 2024 by Acacia98

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman has wiped her feet all over you time and again. 

You have to stop letting her do this and get her out of your life, for good. She is not the one you are going to settle down with, so you might as well cut her off completely now. I realize you are emotionally attached to her so it's easier said than done but this is not worth all the pain and frustration. 

She will make your life a living hell if you are foolish enough to go back for more. 

[MsJayne]

She just cut you off from the child without a thought, and that's mean to you and the child. Worrying behaviour which will probably never stop if she's inclined towards being antagonistic and neurotic. The one-eyed, self-centered nagging would be enough to make me leave town, but trying to manipulate you into selling your home to suit her needs, trying to wear you down with some horse-s**t she's invented in an attempt to guilt-trip you - pfft! She's a big sack of drama for any guy. I say block her number and thank your lucky stars you got away. 

[Gaeta]

I am sorry to say but she sounds like a horrible person. Why you'd want such a dysfunctional and destructive woman in your life again. She destroyed your life, she won't hesitate to do it again. Block and delete, turn around and don't look back. 

Once you meet a stable, loving woman you will hate yourself for wasting a minute of your life on this one. 

[Hare08]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She will make your life a living hell if you are foolish enough to go back for more. 

I agreed with this, he already received lots of good motivational not to comeback with that kind of relationsh*t with a woman like that.

I'm not judgemental but based on what he shared it's toxic.

"Peace of mind and healing" they said.

[smackie9]

Abrupt dumping means someone else was in her orbit...she wanted to feel good somewhere else. Things didn't work out for her so she hoovers you back because she needs the attention and to feel secure about herself again. She's nasty and you should be brushing her off and cutting off any way she can try to communicate with you. She's just manipulating you with those crocodile teats. Ugh! run for the hills...bi%^$# be cray cray.

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Abrupt dumping means someone else was in her orbit...she wanted to feel good somewhere else. Things didn't work out for her so she hoovers you back because she needs the attention and to feel secure about herself again.

Also, this. 

I would bet dollars to donuts that another man was on her radar and she wanted to test-drive him. 

[BaileyB]

After two years, it’s reasonable for her to want to bring things together and move in together. What’s not reasonable is how she has behaved.

As was said above, she has essentially dumped you twice - you would be a fool to take her back. You now know the pattern, whenever she doesn’t get her way, can’t cope, goes off her medication - this is what happens… unless you want to live in this kind of perpetual drama, where she could at any moment pull the rug out from underneath you, it is time to walk away from this relationship. Except next time, you won’t own a home where you can life and you may have a child together - that is really going to upend your life…

The simple truth is - there were problems before she ended the relationship.
 

On 1/25/2024 at 10:42 PM, SGS1993 said:

I was made fun of it and ridiculed a lot

This is not cool. Be very weary of going back to this woman. 

Edited January 28, 2024 by BaileyB

[Maldives]

On 1/26/2024 at 2:42 PM, SGS1993 said:

Hi,

I've just come out of a 2 year relationship in December 2023. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue, and over text message which I thought was brutal. Bipolar runs in her family, and she has never been formally diagnosed. She has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Prescribed general medications, but went off them as they made her feel "numb".

Long story short - I'm 30 and she's 35. She has a young child (4 nearly 5), who's father and family are all down near where she lives. We live about 35-40 minutes away, and we both own our own house.

Now, where things had gotten tricky is early on in the relationship (December 2021) she broke it off with me suddenly and said "She just wasn't feeling it". So, I was told that and we separated for 2 weeks. At the end of the 2 weeks, she messaged me and asked how I was going, and if I wanted to try again with her. I said yes, and we continued our relationship from then on till December 2023.

So, the main issue we had was we both own our house and work shift-working jobs. Mindful that her son has daycare arrangements, family support down where she lives; I always stayed with her most of the week most weeks around my shifts etc to be there as she had kept saying she could not come up to stay at my house due to all those reasons with daycare, family support with minding her child etc. I only returned to my house to generally up-keep it, and sleep there between night shifts as my house was conveniently close to my workplace.

As time went on, she became quite resentful about my house. I was made fun of it and ridiculed a lot, as I did need to get back there to do general up-keeping and also stay there. We had both spoken about living together in mid 2023, where we came to an agreement that I would move into her house in April/May 2024. As hard as it was, I said I would rent out my house (she had only been to my house 6 maybe 7 times maximum in 2 years...).

We had almost daily issues about the house, where she had accused me on choosing the house over the relationship. I assured her that this was not the case, and that we were both fortunate to own amazing homes and also mindful of the fact we agreed I would move in with her.

We started arguing more and more up to December 2023, as I just couldn't bite my tongue any longer. She openly pointed out other couples and how desirable they were as they lived together full-time, even drawing a comparison to our relationship with her ex spouse who has since moved in with his fiance in a brand new home.

After an argument in December 2023, she broke it off over text. Totally shut the door on me, and when I went to get my things she threatened to call the Police (which is horrific as we both work in that line of work..). I was bewildered as nothing had happened and I was calm, and as I was going to my own vehicle to drive away she snatched her garage remote from me - telling me not to ever come back. Her son who I've known since he was a baby was ushered inside from me, and she closed the garage door on me and left me outside like a complete stranger...

After this sudden breakup, I sent her a very long and nice message stating how I felt about her and still wanted things to work despite her cutting it off suddenly and brutally.

She responded, and said she did not want to continue the relationship due to the living arrangement at the time and that she felt "alone". Further stated that I am a "fly in, fly out - FIFO" boyfriend, which really hurt me as I made tremendous effort to be there with her ALL the time. She removed me off all of her social media as well. She began to post non stop on social media, pictures of herself, her son etc which she didn't really do before. Appearing happy and doing well....

Fast forward 7 weeks, I had been forced to move on. I had to return all of her and her sons XMAS presents which hurt like mad as well. 

I started posting on social media again, and as it was set to "public" she had seen my posts where I had become happy again and moved on. I went on a holiday by myself, which was shown on social media. Shortly after this I saw her on "Tinder/Dating application" to which she had seen me on there.

2-3 days after we had seen each other on the app, she messaged me out of the blue and said that she had seen my holiday pictures and me on the app.

She was profusely apologising for all that had happened, and that she wants to work it all out. She further stated that she thought the time was "a break" and not a breakup. Mind you, I had messages from her explicitly stating "I do not want to be with you anymore".

I told her I had moved on (I've seen a number of girls in the meantime as well - she doesn't know this) to which she has been calling me crying, sending me messages saying she cannot believe the relationship is over, and that she will never get over me and wait for me.

I feel absolutely confused and wrecked from this. I feel both times she has upended the relationship and has come back wanting to fix things when it suits her. She had even said to me that her son has recently been asking about seeing me as well, which I feel is being weaponised/used to manipulate me..

My friends have told me do NOT return to her, as she had really hurt me with the sudden breakup and how she had cut me out of her life. 

What upsets and annoys me the most, is that she essentially destroyed my life, and now wants to come back and "fix" what had happened. I just can't see myself ever going back...
I was doing really well moving on until she contacted me, now it feels like I am back to square one.

Any advice/words would be much appreciated as this is hard to get my head around emotionally and mentally.

 

 

You should have blocked her in hindsight so she had no way of contacting you. Same thing happened to me with my ex-wife and guess what? I decided to take her back and then a few weeks later she decided she wanted a divorce. I wouldn't go back. making your stories Public has made her jealous. Any reason why you make your stories public is it because you know she'll be viewing your stories? 

[Lisa]

Sorry folks, looks like a drive by