Mortgage mayhem

[Could scream]

My partner brings in £21K more than me per year (salary and flat rental income) and wants to buy a house which is well over my budget and split the mortgage payments down the middle. He has a lot of conditions on the style and location of house which is why the mortgage will be so high. I am happy to move to a house on that style but I can’t afford the amount he is expecting me to pay. Otherwise I would be happy to stay in a smaller house. He also seems put out that he will pay the deposit but I simply don’t have 10s of 1000s of £s saved like him. I have a property I can sell which will contribute something but nothing close to him. He won’t sell his own property to lower out mortgage payments on a new, more expensive property further as he says his is an “investment property”. It just all seems extremely unfair. 

Edited January 26 by Could scream
Misspelling

[basil67]

It is very unfair.  I hope you refused.

Is he also domineering in other areas of your relationship?  How long have you been together?

[Foxhall]

7 minutes ago, Could scream said:

I have a property I can sell which will contribute something

I dont think you should feel obliged to do this either- this is your own safety net if the relationship doesnt work out, (though no need to say that directly)

offer to pay 1/3 or whatever you can afford of the mortgage and if hes reasonable guy and loves you, he should be happy 

[Could scream]

6 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

I dont think you should feel obliged to do this either- this is your own safety net if the relationship doesnt work out, (though no need to say that directly)

offer to pay 1/3 or whatever you can afford of the mortgage and if hes reasonable guy and loves you, he should be happy 

 

yes that was my thoughts. We both pay a % based on our earnings if he earns about twice as much as me he pays twice as much. If he sees us as a forever thing then why is it an issue. Not to mention I do the majority of the chores and deal with all of the life admin for the house but he doesn’t see that as having value. We could by a reasonable house in another area for about £100K cheaper but he is very specific about where he’ll live. 

[Could scream]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It is very unfair.  I hope you refused.

Is he also domineering in other areas of your relationship?  How long have you been together?

Thank you for your reply. Just over 2 years. I am almost 35 and he is almost 40 so we are thinking long term but this has just really put me off. Wouldn’t say domineering but definitely headstrong and inflexible. 

[Els]

13 minutes ago, Could scream said:

 

yes that was my thoughts. We both pay a % based on our earnings if he earns about twice as much as me he pays twice as much. If he sees us as a forever thing then why is it an issue. Not to mention I do the majority of the chores and deal with all of the life admin for the house but he doesn’t see that as having value. We could by a reasonable house in another area for about £100K cheaper but he is very specific about where he’ll live. 

If he doesn't see household labour as having value, then I strongly suggest that you stop doing it. Do what you need for yourself, but don't do anything for him. Explain that you need an equal partner, not a partner who wants to go 50/50 on a mortgage for the house that THEY want, while refusing to contribute 50/50 to the housework and admin.

I hope it goes without saying, but do NOT sign up for a mortgage for a house that you don't want. That's a 20-30 year commitment. Also, depending on how things shake out, I'd also have a good long think about whether this is a person you want to spend your life with.

[Could scream]

1 minute ago, Els said:

If he doesn't see household labour as having value, then I strongly suggest that you stop doing it. Do what you need for yourself, but don't do anything for him. Explain that you need an equal partner, not a partner who wants to go 50/50 on a mortgage for the house that THEY want, while refusing to contribute 50/50 to the housework and admin.

I hope it goes without saying, but do NOT sign up for a mortgage for a house that you don't want. That's a 20-30 year commitment. Also, depending on how things shake out, I'd also have a good long think about whether this is a person you want to spend your life with.

You’re absolutely right and I know all of this already. Spending my Friday night asking strangers for advice is very telling (although I am of course grateful.) I would love to stop doing it but I just don’t think I can as I can’t live in a mess and he can. I think I am going to tell him to move back to his own flat/buy his own house and I will get my own house sorted out in the meantime. If that results in a break or a break up then it wasn’t meant to be. 

[basil67]

38 minutes ago, Could scream said:

You’re absolutely right and I know all of this already. Spending my Friday night asking strangers for advice is very telling (although I am of course grateful.) I would love to stop doing it but I just don’t think I can as I can’t live in a mess and he can. I think I am going to tell him to move back to his own flat/buy his own house and I will get my own house sorted out in the meantime. If that results in a break or a break up then it wasn’t meant to be. 

Sending you hugs.   I'm also appalled that you not only do the the bulk of the domestics, but also that he doesn't see the value of your work.

His inflexibility would not make him an easy partner!   I'm glad to hear that you're talking of distancing yourself

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Could scream said:

Thank you for your reply. Just over 2 years. I am almost 35 and he is almost 40 so we are thinking long term but this has just really put me off. Wouldn’t say domineering but definitely headstrong and inflexible. 

Sorry this is happening. Please reflect and do not be hussled into being his cash cow and free domestic help.

Is he divorced or bitter or generally exploitative? Why should you starve and go broke to finance his big dreams?

There's absolutely no reason to move in together yet. Please talk to trusted friends and family. Please especially talk to your own financial advisor, accountant and attorney about this.

Once you are stuck in this overpriced trap and you sign your name on mortgages etc. it will be a nightmare to get out of. Especially dealing with someone bullying you into a raw deal that only works for him. 

He needs to find a house he can afford on his own. It's really that simple. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Could scream said:

. I think I am going to tell him to move back to his own flat/buy his own house and I will get my own house sorted out in the meantime. If that results in a break or a break up then it wasn’t meant to be. 

This is exactly what you should do.  If he's this cheap to make you overextend yourself financially then this is how your relationship will always be.  He sounds selfish and only cares about his interest.  I would break up with him because this is going nowhere.

[Weezy1973]

So first, not sure this is the guy you should be hitching your wagon to. But for the mortgage, don’t buy together unless you’re married. Then join your finances - there’s no more his money and your money. Is all joint money. Money comes in and goes out as a couple regardless of whatever each of you make. And if he doesn’t want that, he packs his bags and takes a trip to Dumpsville.

[Could scream]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Please reflect and do not be hussled into being his cash cow and free domestic help.

Is he divorced or bitter or generally exploitative? Why should you starve and go broke to finance his big dreams?

There's absolutely no reason to move in together yet. Please talk to trusted friends and family. Please especially talk to your own financial advisor, accountant and attorney about this.

Once you are stuck in this overpriced trap and you sign your name on mortgages etc. it will be a nightmare to get out of. Especially dealing with someone bullying you into a raw deal that only works for him. 

He needs to find a house he can afford on his own. It's really that simple. 

He currently lives in my house and rents out his own property. I think my plan is to tell him to either move back to his own property or purchase his own dream and we’ll take it from there. If it’s meant to be it will bit as you say I don’t want to be stuck with something I am unhappy with or stuck here and not moving myself forward because his dreams (and costs) are unachievable for me. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Could scream said:

He currently lives in my house and rents out his own property. I think my plan is to tell him to either move back to his own property or purchase his own dream 

Excellent idea. Give him adequate notice to vacate and set yourself free from this. He seems quite exploitative. His proposal was preposterous, however it was a good view into how skewed his thinking is. 

[Alpacalia]

It isn't that it's unfair. It's that your partner is involving you in the mortgage and keeping you tethered to him financially. I'm sorry but a man worth his salt would not want to put his partner in that type of situation. I am not trying to pass judgement on the behavior of your partner, but you do need to understand what this is about. I find it difficult to believe that you are supposed to play a full and equal part in the mortgage when he makes that much more than you. It just boils down to simple arithmetic. As I say, it's about him, not you.

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, Could scream said:

 I think I am going to tell him to move back to his own flat/buy his own house and I will get my own house sorted out in the meantime. If that results in a break or a break up then it wasn’t meant to be. 

I like the fact that you're thinking about this so clearly and are willing and ready to do what's necessary.

[Els]

12 hours ago, Could scream said:

I think I am going to tell him to move back to his own flat/buy his own house and I will get my own house sorted out in the meantime

Sounds like a good plan. If you do intend to stay together and see how things go, it's also possible that this might jolt him into realizing how much he took for granted, especially by assuming that you'd just go along and pay half the mortgage for a house that HE picks out.

Edited January 27 by Els

[d0nnivain]

It's simple.  Don't buy anything with him.  

[Gaeta]

14 hours ago, Could scream said:

He currently lives in my house and rents out his own property.

I have not read anywhere...does he pay you rent for living with you?

[Versacehottie]

19 hours ago, Could scream said:

Thank you for your reply. Just over 2 years. I am almost 35 and he is almost 40 so we are thinking long term but this has just really put me off. Wouldn’t say domineering but definitely headstrong and inflexible. 

The thing I would be thinking about if I were in your shoes is that all couples have disagreements...but it is how they go about resolving them and/or coming to a compromise that predicts how happy/satisfied/secure you will each feel in your relationship. 

I think someone that is completely unwilling to "work with you" in resolving the situation, ie is inflexible is a huge red flag. Not necessarily that the person is a "bad" person but that you won't achieve a happy relationship from this person. 

Does he pay you rent currently? Or is he just raking in the rent from his property and mooching off you? Idk some people are super stingy when it comes to money--even if they have enough or well more than enough. That wouldn't sit well with me because it's hard to not see it extend to other areas where they are stingy. And they are always keeping score. To get into the nitty gritty of your proposal that he pay double because he earns double, Idk if I would go that far, not sure if that is fair either. But overall, I wouldn't move forward with someone like this. IMO, you shouldn't be mixing finances or buying a place together if you are each so far apart on these financial issues. I would say not even to buy a place together if you aren't married..or haven't spelled out the arrangement in a legal document.  But ultimately, a legal document without a marriage commitment, effectively leaves you at risk anyway (financially)...you'd be giving up your place that you CAN afford for a place that requires 2 incomes and you wouldn't be able to buy him out if the relationship failed, and probably unlikely to get back into a smaller place like you have now without paying more than you'd sell your current place for!  So effectively there's little financially upside for you, only risk....and he sounds like someone--who if you can't reason with him during a loved up moment, ie considering moving in together and buying a place, you MOST certainly will be dealing with someone ugly if you were to break up! Imagine if he's this tight and inflexible NOW, how he'd be if the relationship broke up.!!!! 

So it seems like the only thing in it for you is the "hope" the this relationship can go somewhere. I'd say stay in your place now and reassess from a distance. What is the rush to move into a different place anyway, especially if you cannot agree about it? I don't usually do predictions but I don't think this will last for you.. I hope better for you honestly. Good luck 

[Crusader]

Hello,

I can tell you from my experience what happened to me and you can feel free to take what makes sense and not take what doesn't, but I see some similarities in my situation.

I always thought other people were right and I was wrong, all the time. So I don't know why I was like that exactly, but there is something to do with our personality. Either we express ourselves outwards or inwards. I don't know why some people talk to deal with their emotional pain, but I go in with mine.

I somehow grew up to believe that I did not matter more than other people. And I based that belief on my judgement of what I had and they didn't, or what they did that I didn't. And so it went. I did work on myself by talking to people who could relate, just like you did here and I relate. 

Learning to identify who I was was a huge part of this solution. Because the first thing that I think everyone agrees on is that if we don't know who we are and what we like, as far as personal preferences, we can't stand up for ourselves if we don't know ourselves, and we can't stand on a line in the sand if we don't know where it is... We will step on other people's toes and they on ours, not due to intention, but where is that line for our boundaries, where is that self I am supposed to stand up for.

I had always tried to reach outward to solve the pain from the inner conflicts I had within me. If you don't know yourself first, you can't identify what to work on. Now that is a universal truth. If I don't know how an automobile was made, how could I ever fix it? How could I solve a problem if the solution was not available? I found that as long as I look to outward things to solve my inner conflict in dialog, or thoughts, how could that ever be? To understand that opened me up to looking inside.

I found the spiritual guidance you seem to be after, is within you, and the way I found helpful to me, every time I lose track, is being quite, being still, connecting to nature in some way, revealing my pain to my source of inner strength, is what enables us to be freed from the inner conflicts. It not one inner peaceful experience solves them all. No the big one is you begin to see the cycle of Life...

The problem is not always the cause for the solution. That is to say, if we look at a flat tire, we see that we can't get the car to roll. But if we look to our knowledge of how to repair a tire, having been taught how to do so, we then are automatically motivated to fix it... We don't fix the flat once and have every flat tire after that automatically fixed, this is better, God can teach us how to fish, if you know what I mean. No more asking anyone but your inner concept of the Tree of Life and how the Cycle of Life works for you. Find your understanding of these, and you find yourself!

I saw flat tire after flat tire. I got depressed, wondering what to do next. The good thing is after I was taught to fix flat tires. When I got the next one I knew what to do and was not depressed or confused wondering what to do!! That is the cycle of life!

: )

 

[smackie9]

Oh stop right there. You never get into buying property with anyone you are just dating....and never commingle your money neither. If you were in a marriage then it doesn't matter who makes what...it all goes into one pot and it becomes "ours". Tell him to stuff it. Anyone who offers something lopsided as that is only out for their own best interest not yours.

Edited January 29 by smackie9

[ShyViolet]

On 1/26/2024 at 6:47 PM, Could scream said:

He currently lives in my house and rents out his own property.

Have you been letting him live in your house rent-free?  If so, it sounds like this guy is trying to take advantage of you financially!!  It's time to say NO.