feelingfueled Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 (edited) Hello, my girlfriend (36) and I (38) recently ended our two-and-a-half-year relationship after attempting to address ongoing issues for over two months. We share common interests in art, nature, and travel, although activism differs as a point of contention. While I appreciate art, nature, and travel, activism isn't a focal point for me. Politically, I find myself leaning to the right on paper, although I don't neatly align with either side. For instance, <> My ex-girlfriend is unwaveringly committed to her affirmative stance on these issues. When I attempt to present alternative viewpoints, discussions often devolve into frustration, with both of us failing to truly listen. She has strong opinions on several other issues, maintaining a 100% agreement stance, a position I find challenging given the complexity of these matters. I feel pressured to conform to her views for a harmonious relationship, which seems impractical. Her reluctance to question the murkier sides of her beliefs and the tendency to dismiss my perspectives have strained our communication. A recent incident during a movie night, where she perceived racism in a film, led to discussions on abortion and eventually contributed to our breakup. Three months ago, I suggested focusing on our personal lives and community matters, steering clear of divisive current events. While she initially agreed, I've struggled with my mental health due to news consumption and subsequent spirals. I am unsure about the best course of action. I am reluctant to end the relationship and would prefer exploring counseling to bridge our differences, foster understanding, and possibly encourage mutual growth. Any tips or guidance on navigating this situation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Edited January 29 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Irrelevant political opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 4 minutes ago, feelingfueled said: Hello, my girlfriend (36) and I (38) recently ended our two-and-a-half-year relationship after attempting to address ongoing issues for over two months. Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? The politics are just a symptom of systemic power struggles. While it would be nice to not have extremists down your throat, there is something else going on beneath this. If you need couples therapy just to get along, perhaps accept that you're basically incompatible to the point where you're at war about abstract ideals and popular causes. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 I know with my parents there were certain topics where it was just “agree to disagree”. Which I think is healthy. You’re two different people so to think you’re going to be perfectly aligned on every topic is kind of a ridiculous expectation. But you both have to see it that way. You can’t try to convince her of your perspective or vice versa. You both need to just let sleeping dogs lie. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa Posted January 27 Senior Moderators Share Posted January 27 Thread will continue under OP's alter ego @philthebill 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 You aren't compatible on core issues. Break up with her and save yourself the headache. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 Some people can deal with a partner's different viewpoints. Others get very upset & take extreme views. They can't agree to disagree. It sounds like because some of the core issues are viewed differently you two are not a great match 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 32 minutes ago, feelingfueled said: , I find myself leaning to the right on paper, although I don't neatly align with either side. It seems exhausting to have this war going on. Is this the same woman?: Link to post Share on other sites
philthebill Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It seems exhausting to have this war going on. Is this the same woman?: Hey Wiseman, thanks for replying. Yes its the same women and yeah its very exhausting for both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
philthebill Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: The divergence in our core beliefs does pose a significant challenge, and I'm grappling with the realization that it may be affecting our compatibility. It's a delicate situation, and finding a balance between respecting each other's opinions and maintaining a healthy relationship is proving to be quite complex. I appreciate your input and am reflecting on how best to move forward in a way that honors both our individual beliefs and the overall health of our relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 Reading your history, the two of you have broken up a number of times. Even now, despite already being broken up, you're "reluctant to end the relationship" and are looking at therapy ideas to try and change her approach to more align with yours. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. It's over. Time to walk away Link to post Share on other sites
philthebill Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 30 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: I know with my parents there were certain topics where it was just “agree to disagree”. Which I think is healthy. You’re two different people so to think you’re going to be perfectly aligned on every topic is kind of a ridiculous expectation. But you both have to see it that way. You can’t try to convince her of your perspective or vice versa. You both need to just let sleeping dogs lie. I appreciate your insights, and I completely agree with the idea of reaching a point where we can agree to disagree on certain topics. Growing up, my parents also had areas where they maintained a respectful disagreement, and it seemed to contribute to the overall health of their relationship. It's a realistic approach to acknowledge that as two different individuals, perfect alignment on every topic is an impractical expectation. Finding a common ground where we can appreciate each other's perspectives without trying to convince one another seems like a healthy and reasonable goal. It's crucial that we both recognize the value of letting certain discussions rest, as attempting to change each other's views might only strain our relationship further. I believe fostering a space where we can coexist with differing opinions will be essential for our long-term compatibility. Thank you for highlighting the importance of this approach; it gives me a clearer direction on how to navigate this challenge. Link to post Share on other sites
philthebill Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 1 minute ago, basil67 said: I appreciate your forthrightness and the thoughtful analysis you've provided. Your observation regarding my emphasis on seeking understanding rather than persuasion is duly noted. I've come to recognize that the challenges extend beyond our disparate political viewpoints and encompass difficulties in our communication on these matters. This is an aspect I acknowledge and aim to address for personal development. Your mention of the historical pattern of breakups is duly acknowledged, and I appreciate your perspective on the benchmarks of a healthy relationship. The hesitance to part ways and the contemplation of therapeutic interventions for ideological alignment are aspects that warrant careful consideration. Your straightforward commentary encourages me to undertake a more profound reflection on whether the current circumstances align with the attributes of a healthy relationship. I will internalize your insights and contemplate the way forward. Thank you for your candid assessment Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 (edited) @philthebill Please do spend some time considering the ethics of wanting to change her to better suit your approach. At this point, I've seen nothing to suggest that she's open to this course of action. Would I be right in guessing that she broke up with you? How about just respecting her decision and move on. Edited January 27 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 (edited) Hold on, You posted on this more than two years ago. I'm hoping you have figured out something in two plus years. What have you figured out? I don't see some huge gap between your views and her views on the issues you wrote about. But if either of you has perfectionist tendencies and guilt tendencies, you could make a crisis out of small disagreements. This ain't that hard to figure out. It’s smart to assume that neither of you will change your political views. What each of you thinks now is what you'll think later. What you see is what you get. Given that, do you want to be with her or not?! And who is unhappy with whose political views? Couples and friends can disagree strongly on politics and argue about it and still stay connected and bonded. But such acceptance requires that each accepts that a partner will not be our fantasy. Another angle into different political views is to ask this question: OK you disagree but can you at least respect her thinking? Can she respect your thinking? Or do you respect her enough so that you trust that she has good reasons for her political leanings? But come on now. Time for you to step up and come up with some answers here. Two plus years and you have NO further clarity. There's more going on here than political differences. Sounds like you might have a quick guilt trigger and some perfectionist anxiety. If she thinks your views aren't perfect, you have to feel worried. Edited January 27 by Lotsgoingon Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 29 minutes ago, philthebill said: . Yes its the same women and yeah its very exhausting for both of us. It seems exhausting. With all the wars going on in the news, why do you two want this in your living room instead of a relationship? This power struggle you're in has much less to do with ideology than the war between you two. Please free yourself from this Sturm and Drang and find some peace. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 You two are trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. It's time to move on to better matches for each of you. This is clearly not working. Link to post Share on other sites
philthebill Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 13 hours ago, basil67 said: Reading your history, the two of you have broken up a number of times. Even now, despite already being broken up, you're "reluctant to end the relationship" and are looking at therapy ideas to try and change her approach to more align with yours. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. It's over. Time to walk away She suggested couples therapy, we had a planned therapy session on Friday was canceled, and it has given me a moment to reflect on the complexities of our relationship. While it is accurate that my girlfriend has initiated a breakup, my concern is not cantered around changing her as an individual, but rather addressing the challenges in our communication dynamics. I've noticed that when I attempt to discuss certain matters, her response tends to be marked by intense anger, creating an impediment to open discussion and mutual understanding. It is this aspect of our interaction that I believe necessitates attention and improvement. My intention in considering therapy was to provide a constructive space for both of us to explore these communication issues and work towards a healthier dynamic. I could just walk away, but she has other lovely qualities as do I. Your insights are valued, and I will carefully contemplate the situation to determine the most appropriate course of action. Thank you for your understanding and perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 (edited) 38 minutes ago, philthebill said: my girlfriend has initiated a breakup, my concern is not cantered around changing her as an individual, but rather addressing the challenges in our communication dynamics. I've noticed that when I attempt to discuss certain matters, her response tends to be marked by intense anger, Exactly. This has absolutely nothing to do with politics. Politics are just another weapon in your war with each other. Please take some space from each other for peace and reflection. You both may have lovely qualities as individuals but unfortunately you're just wearing each other down. You may be fine as individuals but your relationship and it's dynamic is toxic and erosive. Please reconsider leaning into this even more. Step back. Know when to let up when she's angry rather than over-intellectualizing dragging out arguments. It takes two to argue this much and all you can do is manage your role in it. Edited January 28 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 This sounds exhausting. Why would you want to try to force it to work with someone who can't stop arguing about politics all the time? You and her are not compatible. And I don't just mean politically compatible. When the relationship has already ended multiple times and you can't stop arguing whenever you are together, just stop trying to force it to work. This is ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 (edited) 10 hours ago, philthebill said: I've noticed that when I attempt to discuss certain matters, her response tends to be marked by intense anger, creating an impediment to open discussion and mutual understanding. It is this aspect of our interaction that I believe necessitates attention and improvement. You're being very vague here....and I believe it to deliberately so. You've mentioned previously that you enjoy debate and how those debates turn heated. Is this what you're referring to here? Are you poking around in topics (which you already know will trigger her) in an effort to get her to understand where you're coming from? If so, it's not the interaction between you which needs improvement. Rather, it's your inability to respect her differing views and keep your thoughts to yourself Edited January 28 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
philthebill Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 (edited) <> It is noteworthy that my girlfriend tends to passionately discuss issues she deems important to her. I do engage challenge certain viewpoints. However, it seems there may be room for improvement in navigating these discussions, as evidenced by the intense reaction. I have communicated my willingness to address any sensitivities she might have regarding these topics and suggested that open dialogue could be more fruitful than emotional reactions. Edited January 29 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Politics in a non-political forum Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 (edited) 4 hours ago, philthebill said: <> Why are you discussing politics in a non political forum? Edited January 29 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Quoted post Link to post Share on other sites
philthebill Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Why are you discussing politics in a non political forum? Was given more context to what the argument was about Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 5 minutes ago, philthebill said: Was given more context to what the argument was about Exactly. You're doubling down on your point of view and how wrong she is which is why you two are chronically arguing and broken up. It great to think whatever you want to think but please allow others to breathe without forcing them to see your view. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 Counseling isn't going to magically make your differences disappear or make you agree on everything. You both seem deeply invested in your beliefs and that is not something counseling can change. It’s also not a good idea to try and change the other person's beliefs because that is not fair to either of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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