Fiances female coworker texting/ calling/ video calling him every few days

[Redbox91]

My fiance has a female coworker who texts/calls/video calls him every few days. He said he's known her for years, but this is increasingly becoming an issue for me. He previously didn't mention much about her but recently I've asked a little more about her. 

She is in a relationship with another man and has a child. Sometimes she confides in him about her issues with her partner. She recently sent my fiance a meme of a handsome actor and told him he looked like him. I think they see eachother one day week at work.

Mostly, it is this woman who is initiating everything. If my fiance doesn't answer her call she'll text him. I don't think that he has any feelings for her, and from what I can tell it is mostly coming from her side, and due to the frequency of her contacting him I suspect she could have hidden feelings for him. I have never met her so I am unaware of how she acts around him. I am aware that this woman works with my fiance, so he doesn't want to end the relationship with her, however is it unreasonable to request he tries to discourage her a little?

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, Redbox91 said:

is it unreasonable to request he tries to discourage her a little?

Not at all. 

In my opinion, he already should have done so. However, make it clear that her contact makes you uncomfortable and you aren't okay with it. If he has any common sense, he will know what to do. 

Then observe and see what steps he takes to curb this. 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Redbox91 said:

 He said he's known her for years, but this is increasingly becoming an issue for me. She is in a relationship with another man and has a child. Sometimes she confides in him about her issues with her partner. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Do you live together? How old is he? 

How long has he worked there? How long has he known her?Is she or is he in a supervisory position to each other?  If she is his supervisor, it's sexual harassment. 

Unfortunately your BF seems to enjoy being her hero and confidant which is wholly inappropriate and unnecessary.

Please explain that three is a crowd and the unless he discontinues the emotional affair your relationship needs to end. Give him the option of couples therapy or continuing to play therapist and white knight to this coworker. Please do not enable the situation and try to "understand" their "friendship". 

 

Edited January 28 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Redbox91 said:

is it unreasonable to request he tries to discourage her a little?

Not at all.  

You need to stake out your territory.  Get your FI to invite this woman & her SO to dinner.  Flirt with your FI.  Touch him.  Glare at her to make sure she gets the message that he's taken.   Casually mention something about the frequency of her contact with your FI in front of her SO.  Use him as an ally 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Redbox91 said:

is it unreasonable to request he tries to discourage her a little?

Not at all. 

There is a lack of boundaries here. She shouldn’t be confiding in another man and talking with him about the problems she is having in her relationship. If she isn’t going to respect that boundary, he should. It’s the right thing to do for this woman, it’s also the best thing he could do for your relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/28/2024 at 5:59 AM, Redbox91 said:

 If my fiance doesn't answer her call she'll text him. due to the frequency of her contacting him I suspect she could have hidden feelings for him

She may be a problem, but your fiance is encouraging this. It's inappropriate. 

[Alpacalia]

And you're confiding to a public forum about your fiance. It just so happens that she is a member of the opposite sex and thus you are  concerned even more. Aya?! 

The issue is that you believe she has the hots for him. Your post appears to be a bit schizophrenic in that you say your fiancé hasn’t shown any interest and then you think he should discourage her. Yet, you don’t want him to stop the friendship because he is her co-worker. 

Here’s the thing, they’ve known each other for years. They’re now friends with some social media connection. It seems natural that they’ve shared some social life. She thinks he looks like a handsome actor. It’s no biggy all alone he is still home with you not living across town cheating on you. 

Your real problem is that you’re jealous. Perhaps ever being apart will forevermore be a problem for you. That once he marries you, until death do you part, away from the roost where you shall be, you just can’t stand the thought of anyone liking your mate or going out of their way to contact your mate. Hopefully you know this about yourself. 

[Gaeta]

On 1/28/2024 at 5:59 AM, Redbox91 said:

I don't think that he has any feelings for her

So what's the problem?

She calls and he does not pick up, sounds like he's capable of establishing limits.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/28/2024 at 5:59 AM, Redbox91 said:

My fiance has a female coworker who texts/calls/video calls him every few days. He said he's known her for years, but this is increasingly becoming an issue for me. .  he doesn't want to end the relationship with her, however is it unreasonable to request he tries to discourage her a little?

Have you had a heart to heart talk with your fiance about it? You seem quite reasonable that you're fine with the friendship but with some boundaries scaling things back a bit.  It's creating issues in the relationship and you're half of the relationship.

You certainly have a right to your gut feelings without being accused of being psychotic. Please talk to your fiance about premarital counseling.

A neutral professional can help you two navigate boundaries and communicate about your upcoming wedding and how to be happier together.

Especially in this situation where there's an issue that needs to be straightened out as far as extracurricular energy spent consoling and entertaining other women.