Fiance reluctant for us to meet up with his female friend despite wanting to invite her to our wedding. Need to vent

[Redbox91]

Hi all. I previously made a topic about this issue but need to vent right now. 

My fiance has a coworker that he has been long time friends with. She calls and texts him several times a week with both work and non work related issues. She has a partner that lives hours away from her. He said that he will invite her to our wedding. He said that due to work and connections he doesn't want to lose the relationship with her. I believe that he doesn't like her but I don't know why she has to keep contacting him.

I've asked my fiance to let me meet her to ease my insecurities. I asked him politely and he has said several times that he will ask but he didn't and I asked him to ask her again just now and he told me that he feels awkward to because he doesn't meet her outside work, but he will 'try'. 

I just don't know why he wants to invite her to our wedding but doesn't seem keen for us to meet up. I was planning to be polite and friendly etc unless I had reason not to. 

I'm honestly close to tears right now. I just wanted him to be understanding, but if she's so close that he can invite her to the wedding why is he not trying to make me comfortable and let me meet her?? He's going to invite no more than 10 people to the wedding as his family don't live near. 

I'm sorry I really just had to vent

[Redbox91]

To add he has never said a word about discouraging her or trying to text less. It's just breaking my heart. I love my fiance and I'm so hurt. And I know for a fact if it was a man contacting me on a weekly basis he wouldn't like it

Edited January 29, 2024 by Redbox91

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Redbox91 said:

My fiance has a coworker that he has been long time friends with. She calls and texts him several times a week with both work and non work related issues. She has a partner that lives hours away from her. I just don't know why he wants to invite her to our wedding but doesn't seem keen for us to meet up.

Please reconsider your guest list. There's no reason for this woman to attend your special day and ruin it. 

Please insist on premarital counseling. Your fiance needs to understand boundaries and that he can't be her therapist or surrogate BF.

Please straighten this matter out Before you agree to marry. There's no reason for him to carry on this emotional affair. 

[d0nnivain]

Don't cry but do put your foot down:  You meet her in advance (hopefully well before) or she doesn't get an invite.  

[NuevoYorko]

Is she the ONLY person from his work that he plans to invite to your wedding?

[Redbox91]

I think he wants to invite one more from work.

He said that he will ask her to meet up 'when the time is right' becuase he 'assumes she's busy', yet he is at the same stage as her at work and he has very little work? I really felt he was lying. I'm pretty much fuming

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Redbox91 said:

He said that he will ask her to meet up 'when the time is right'  I really felt he was lying. 

Please trust your instincts. His reluctance to have appropriate boundaries is a red flag.

. As you know, emotional affairs often start with "my partner doesn't understand me". That's exactly what they are doing.

He is prioritizing her feelings over yours. Meeting her won't accomplish anything. They'll just put on an act. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Redbox91 said:

I really felt he was lying.

I think you are probbaly right. 

Something is off here. It makes no sense that wants her to attend the wedding yet he feels weird inviting her for a casual hang-out with you. Me thinks there is something he is not telling you. 

Edited January 30, 2024 by ExpatInItaly

[Weezy1973]

7 hours ago, Redbox91 said:

I just don't know why he wants to invite her to our wedding but doesn't seem keen for us to meet up.

He has told you. He wants to invite her to the wedding because he doesn’t want to lose the work connection. And he isn’t keen to set you up to meet her because he doesn’t meet up with her outside of work. So honestly it would be quite awkward right? How do you propose he set up the meet up with you so it’s not obvious it’s because you’re insecure?

 

The fact he’s inviting her to the wedding shows he’s not hiding you. And he’s not hiding her. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

 he’s inviting her to the wedding shows he’s not hiding you. And he’s not hiding her. 

That's true. Emotional affairs like this often happen right under your nose. 

Trust your instincts. Work affairs are extremely common. 

[Gaeta]

I totally understand that it's weird for him to ask her to meet on personal hours when they only have a work relationship. If you want to meet her then tell your boyfriend you'll drop at his work on lunch time so he can introduce you. 

I would not panic because my bf exchange with a work colleague/friends on weekly basis. So they exchange like what 2 times a week? 

I don't know what your boyfriend does for living but sometimes work can be very stressful and a colleague is best to hear us vent. I have a male colleague that when the day is crazy we will text after hours just to laugh at our crazy day. We don't talk about our personal lives, we joke about work to release pressure. 

My bf works in the medical field, he has several female nurses reporting to him. I would go crazy if I felt the need to check who's texting him and why. Trust your man!

[Weezy1973]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Work affairs are extremely common. 

That’s because they begin and exist in secrecy. The OP’s fiancé isn’t keeping anything secret from the sounds of it.

[Alpacalia]

Inviting someone to a wedding versus having them meet your partner are two very different things. Your fiance' may feel obligated to invite his coworker as an acquaintance, but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to deepen their relationship or involve you in it.

That said, if an SO wanted to meet my friend, I'd take no issue with it. Unless he was being a jerk about it.

Edited January 30, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Redbox91 said:

. She calls and texts him several times a week with both work and non work related issues. She has a partner that lives hours away from her. He said that he will invite her to our wedding. He said that due to work and connections he doesn't want to lose the relationship with her.

There's a book called "NOT "Just Friends". It wouldn't hurt to take a look at it since your fiance is crossing boundaries as far as this coworker and playing surrogate partner and confidant to listen to her complain that "her partner doesn't understand her". 

This has nothing to do with "maintaining work connections".  He can do that without being her personal confidant. Please trust your instincts. Please get premarital counseling. 

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

as far as this coworker and playing surrogate partner and confidant to listen to her complain that "her partner doesn't understand her". 

I have not read anywhere that she is complaining about her partner. 

What exactly is she talking about? What are those personal issues? 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What exactly is she talking about? What are those personal issues? 

The range of "inappropriate" is quite broad and it's better to keep an eye on this while it's still in the "inappropriate" range because these work "friendships" can become a slippery slope..

On 1/28/2024 at 5:59 AM, Redbox91 said:

. He previously didn't mention much about her but recently I've asked a little more about her. 

 she confides in him about her issues with her partner. She recently sent my fiance a meme of a handsome actor and told him he looked like him.

 

[Gaeta]

The meme of the handsome actor and the comment he looks like him, yes is inappropriate. 

As for confining in him about her relationship, this is something friends do, they confine in each other. I remember years ago when my relationship was about to explode one of my male colleagues was a great support, and I was a support to him when his girlfriend dumped him. I viewed him as a little brother concerned for me, and me for him. That was 20 years ago and I have never forgotten his kindness and support. 

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, Redbox91 said:

I'm honestly close to tears right now. I just wanted him to be understanding, but if she's so close that he can invite her to the wedding why is he not trying to make me comfortable and let me meet her??

I agree, this is a reasonable ask and he should agree to it.

[MsJayne]

22 hours ago, Redbox91 said:

I believe that he doesn't like her

Can I ask what makes you think he doesn't like her? If It's a small wedding, which usually means only closest friends and close family, why is he inviting her? If she's a close friend you should have met her by now, and if she's not a close friend there's no good reason why he has to invite her. I get that sometimes a person has to suck up to colleagues who they don't particularly like, but inviting them to your wedding is sucking on a grand scale, so he needs to explain himself. 

[Gaeta]

You said she's a long time friend, how long?

How long have you been dating?

If she's been his co-worker for 10-15 years don't you think something would have happened between them by now? 

[stillafool]

23 hours ago, Redbox91 said:

To add he has never said a word about discouraging her or trying to text less. It's just breaking my heart. I love my fiance and I'm so hurt. And I know for a fact if it was a man contacting me on a weekly basis he wouldn't like it

Did you tell him you aren't comfortable with this amount of non-business-related contact between them, and you want it to stop?

[Alpacalia]

Obviously, you know the ins and outs of their conversations so I am assuming he's telling you what they talk about? Maybe he declines meeting her ouside of work as to not overstep their boundaries of only being friends?

The issue I would focus on is that your fiancé would prioritize her attendance over ensuring that you are comfortable and happy on your wedding day. Have you met these other 10 people he plans on inviting to the wedding? They will actually be there so why risk starting off the remainder of your life together with weird tensions. Isn't there usually a rehearsal dinner or something for the wedding guests? That might sync up better for meeting coworkers.

[Acacia98]

On 1/30/2024 at 1:09 AM, Redbox91 said:

And I know for a fact if it was a man contacting me on a weekly basis he wouldn't like it

In other words, he knows what he is doing is wrong but still chooses to do it.

OP, as drastic as this sounds, you may want to take a huge step back from your planned wedding and reexamine your relationship. You really should be having second thoughts about your guy at this point.

[Gaeta]

On 1/29/2024 at 5:09 PM, Redbox91 said:

I know for a fact if it was a man contacting me on a weekly basis he wouldn't like it

Pretty unfair comment. This is not a random woman, this is his friend of many years. She was there before you. 

If this was a new woman at work then i'd be 150% on your side but this is a friend of many years. When we meet a man and we don't agree with their female friends we don't date the man, we don't wait a couple of years and be engaged to tell them we have an issue with someone that was there before us.

Edited January 30, 2024 by Gaeta

[Weezy1973]

And I maintain if this was some sort of secret illicit affair he would never invite her to his wedding! He would be terrified she would spill the beans to you OP. Folks that cheat distinctly want to keep their secret affair life far away from their “real” life. And he’s not doing that.