do you request attention from your partner ?

[zouzd]

Married since 24 years , have two adults and a teen.

I spent my life making sure they have everything ; My kids are great , the older they become more appreciation comes from them ..

In the battle of raising kids previously; I gave my wife a lot of care but  might have not fulfilled her materialistic dreams ; our love lasted only couple of years at the beginning and all what was left are duties and family .

Now that I am getting older , feels my wife getting away more and more with my rejection of spending money on un-necessary things; like I put reasonable budget for shopping extra cloth or things...; they get everything to the max regarding what is really needed.

she doesn't go out with me , won't travel with me unless there is budget for shopping and when she does it is never about fun ; we spend days shopping !

I discussed again and again with her that she can have shopping but other times are for fun ; 

Our marriage is becoming boring, disconnected...

 do we need to communicate desires,expectations to a life partner ? isn't that they should feel it ?

Is it worth to ask for affection , love , etc ...?

I am starting to believe that it is meaningless to seek even marriage consultancy which she refuse anyway when love spark is dead.

Has anyone succeeded in making it alive again ?????

 

 

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

I ask my husband for attention & affection.  He is an introvert who is not demonstrative so if I want a hug sometimes I need to verbalize that.  

We're working on our communication but talking is key so speak up.  

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, zouzd said:

I am starting to believe that it is meaningless to seek even marriage consultancy which she refuse anyway when love spark is dead.

That's the problem.  You need some outside help. But you've resigned yourself, withdrawn and have given up.

You two have had long standing issues and dissatisfaction. You have multiple threads about how unhappy you are.

It's unclear why you haven't made an appointment with a licensed qualified therapist for yourself for ongoing support as well as asking for a referral to a marriage therapist. 

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, zouzd said:

do we need to communicate desires, expectations to a life partner ? isn't that they should feel it ?

Is it worth to ask for affection , love , etc ...?

Absolutely you need to communicate your desires to a life partner. They won’t just “feel it”. Nobody’s a mind reader no matter how long you’ve been together. 

[Gaeta]

You cannot save a marriage on your own. Yes changes happen when both are wanting to make a change and agree to seek professional assistance. 

It's not because you're getting older that you have to endure an unhappy marriage. It's nothing new that once the children are out of the nest many marriages don't survive for reasons similar to what you've described. 

I was married 15  years and I asked for love and affection most our marriage, it did not happen. Now I am older and I am in a loving fulfilling relationship.

I agree you should find a therapist for you personally so you can sort your feelings and you may just accept that it's over. 

[Els]

Sounds like there may be cultural issues at hand here. Was there pressure to get married to each other by your parents, or did you two genuinely choose each other?

[zouzd]

we married bsed  on what i though a short love story..

-I tried to convince her to go MC, never succeeded, ended up going alone.

-i am fighting my inner feelings to avoid divorce;because the way i see things -might be wrong- but i love to be loved, appreciated.; she never ever initiate, it has to be almost me, also she never try to know what pleases me …

but the issue is much more complicated , she never talks to me unless she needs something;

and usually it is material or money.

i spoke to her many times calmly that i need 2 things, respect and caring, she just listen then suddenly goes deffensive, and it ends up in an argument and claim that i dont care about her.

i am really tired , exhausted , spent 25 years to please her in vain, if i bring a gift i am either late or cheap (even when it is gold).

culture can be a factor in some issues , like the assumption that  the man is a bread winner even if both work.

 

i am so sad , 

my retirement is approaching and all what i care about is be happy, make my partner happy and see my family happy.

it sucks…

Edited January 31 by zouzd

[d0nnivain]

Instead of saying general things like that can you be more specific?  Can you say I need a hug?  I'd like to go on dates?  I'd prefer you disagree with me in private not public.  

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, zouzd said:

Ispoke to her many times calmly that i need 2 things, respect and caring, she just listen then suddenly goes deffensive, and it ends up in an argument 

You seem to be quite depressed and you seem to blame your wife. However have you seen a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and gotten some tests done? Have you asked for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support?

  It's possible your wife avoids you because you blame her, start arguments, demand sex like a chore and don't seem to want to do anything to make yourself happier and healthier. 

[zouzd]

I am fine along with my therapist ,the focus is always just for me to  cope with the situation as my therapist said unless he evaluate my wife he can do nothing more  , which I agree on .

 

Having Sex is not my argument nor a deal breaker though I feel sad;her refusal to go MC , work on our issues; or just discuss things in a constructive way is making me hopeless.

she blames me all the time that I don't care anymore about her because I don't give her enough money as she claim;she works but with little earning so I don't let her pay any expense;I put 60-70% of my salary on the house ;pay all expenses myself ;I give her around 10-15 % for her personnel expenses and I barely spend 10 % on my needs; when I refrain from overspending without even letting her feel demanding she stops talking to me; refuse to go out with me, ignore me for long periods until she gets her satisfaction again when I resign and surrender with more spending or it could be an effort she wants me to do .

let me give you simple  example , last week end we went got groceries; then we had her favorite lunch , her favorite dessert , she was happy; on the way back she requested that we pass by to get something she liked (not important item); I told her calmly " well since there is no real sale , we can make it later next month or so as I have many bills to pay".

she said that I disrespected her by not fullfiling her wishes, and shut down since then ; tried to approach her in vain (No response),...(more than 2 weeks passed since we get intimate); invited her on sunday to lunch outside; she is still not even saying good morning since then .

our Marriage is in Comma , no anger , no common interests, zero affection .

I am not blaming her , I want really to get an answer on my main question :

 

"Do MC really Work ?", what is one of the partners doesn't want ? 

 

 

 

[zouzd]

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Instead of saying general things like that can you be more specific?  Can you say I need a hug?  I'd like to go on dates?  I'd prefer you disagree with me in private not public.  

tried ...

she is only responsive a bit if i pleased her needs to max , especially money and chores; like if I do perfectly things she would not show rejection; but doesn't really care to take care of me ; She didn't even do anything for my birthday other than having a small gift delivered to me ; I don't care about the gift ;I told her nicely thanks it was great gift but I am greedy to have a very expensive gift which is dating you tonight , she avoided me and we had nothing since 2-3 weeks.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, zouzd said:

I give her around 10-15 % for her personnel expenses and I barely spend 10 % on my needs;  .on the way back she requested that we pass by to get something she liked (not important item); I told her calmly " well since there is no real sale , we can make it later next month or so as I have many bills to pay".

 

If keeping her on an extremely frustrating tight budget to the point where picking up an extra item at the store is an issue, that's completely in your control to change.

Are you on a fixed income, tight budget or just have a much more frugal attitude toward money? Why is she on such a restricted allowance when in fact martial assets are shared and joint by law? 

It's sad because you're controlling her with an excessively fugal budget and she's retaliating by withdrawing. Basically it's a power struggle..

[basil67]

2 hours ago, zouzd said:

she was happy; on the way back she requested that we pass by to get something she liked (not important item)

How do you define a "not important item"?

[d0nnivain]

If you have to buy her affection that is a problem.  She sounds selfish.  Does she contribute to the household income?  I ask because you said that you (singular I) have bills to pay rather than "we" (plural the both of you)

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, zouzd said:

I am fine along with my therapist ,the focus is always just for me to  cope with the situation as my therapist said unless he evaluate my wife he can do nothing more  , which I agree on .

Your therapist cannot fix your marriage without her, that's true. 

The way I see it, your marriage is beyond repair. She does not want to go to marriage counseling, she is mean and materialistic, she makes you very miserable so you are faced with 2 choices A) you stay in this marriage as it is right now and die unhappy B) You divorce her and fine a new happiness within yourself then you'll meet a lady that will love you've the way you always wanted to be loved. 

I want to add, there is no age to fall in love again! I am 58 years old and I am very much in love with a man I met 1.5 year ago. He makes me happy in ways I had never experienced before. This can happen to you too. 

Edited February 1 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, zouzd said:

" Do MC really Work ?", what is one of the partners doesn't want ?

Marriage counseling is for two people. Your private therapist can explain how it works. 

[Alpacalia]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that is a big red flag that MC probably wont work for the simple reason that she is ambivalent about the marriage. The thing is she is discontented in the marriage - you are both discontented and she has somewhat of an idea that she wants you to let her go on spending sprees, trips, etc. when the issue is that there seems to be a lack of love and affection. You two are not behaving like a married couple.

I am not excusing undignified behaviour like the example you gave, but I do hear that her pain has become at a synergy. She most likely seems to feel neglected, and I am not just talking spending.

So from now on when she goes shopping you don't dwell on it too much. Sounds like whatever is going on with her she has turned to shopping to provide some sort of glimmer of happiness and you are arguing which is making her shopping a secret affair and a bargaining chip. 

That is what concerns me that you don't seem moved enough to want to fix this thing, you keep telling and showing your resentment and argue over that instead of talking about what is causing the both of you this discontent, and she doesn't want to deal with that, so the other thing she does is disappear insouciantly in shopping 

That's not easy, especially as you thought initially you had both worked hard in raising a family and now all you want is to live some life, have some fun with your wife that you thought felt the same as you in that regard. Do consult with your therapist at least weekly. You'd be surprised on what you can learn. Isolating yourselves without adequate communication skills won't help.

As far as marital counseling whether it works or not it can be hard to say the reason is it can work for other couples but not for you and your wife, as long as one partner is unwilling to learn and change there will be very little success with MC.

[Els]

If I recall correctly (I could be confusing you with another poster), the reason why you are the main breadwinner is because your wife was the main carer for your children, and they did not go to day care. I also recall that you are both fairly devout Muslims. Is this correct?

If both of the above are true, then that needs to be taken into context when you are referring to "taking care of her financially" as if it's a favour that you are doing to her. Yes, in Western cultures it is indeed a favour, especially if both parties are working continuously and the children are going to daycare. But if the reason why she "earns little" is because she is the one doing the childcare, then obviously it changes the context significantly as she is doing a ton of unpaid work for your family, and she will resent you making unilateral decisions about the budget. Additionally, AFAIK Muslim faith states that it is the husband's duty to provide for his wife financially, so in her eyes you are just "doing your duty".

My suggestion is that you stop viewing and talking about finances as something that you are doing "for her". Also, both of you should have equal control over the finances and equal say in the budget. When you remove finances from the equation, what is left in the balance of your marriage? Do you make the effort to learn her love language? How is the non-sexual intimacy like? Do you make the effort to be attractive to her?

Edited February 1 by Els

[Els]

So, it sounds to me like the poster I was thinking about is https://www.loveshack.org/profile/457228-zouz71/content/ . It was really easy to find, actually,  I just needed to type in "zou" with the search term of "sex"... and the first profile that came up matches yours exactly. Are you him? And if you are, I'm not sure what you're hoping to gain from asking this question, considering your long history of receiving advice on the same topic?

[zouzd]

On 2/1/2024 at 12:32 PM, Wiseman2 said:

If keeping her on an extremely frustrating tight budget to the point where picking up an extra item at the store is an issue, that's completely in your control to change.

Are you on a fixed income, tight budget or just have a much more frugal attitude toward money? Why is she on such a restricted allowance when in fact martial assets are shared and joint by law? 

It's sad because you're controlling her with an excessively fugal budget and she's retaliating by withdrawing. Basically it's a power struggle..

wiseman, i didnt want in this thread to talk about silly details , the item in question was a set of dishes and dining -we have plenty-that costs 20 % of my salary , it is not a 10 $ item! 

 

irrespective , if she wants to buy things she likes which are not neede  she can do that from her income ,she is not paying a penny from her salary for house expenses which is still fine to me , the thing is not money spebing for me , it is her ability and lack of willingness to sacrifice in anything .

i am on fixed income

what i give her is for her i dont even ask.l how she spend it, i font ask her about her salary or how she spend it .

in the above example and beyond are things that she likes and want me to buy from my money , that is left after i take care of all ecpenses and bit from what i give her too.

where is the control!

 

 

[zouzd]

19 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that is a big red flag that MC probably wont work for the simple reason that she is ambivalent about the marriage. The thing is she is discontented in the marriage - you are both discontented and she has somewhat of an idea that she wants you to let her go on spending sprees, trips, etc. when the issue is that there seems to be a lack of love and affection. You two are not behaving like a married couple.

I am not excusing undignified behaviour like the example you gave, but I do hear that her pain has become at a synergy. She most likely seems to feel neglected, and I am not just talking spending.

So from now on when she goes shopping you don't dwell on it too much. Sounds like whatever is going on with her she has turned to shopping to provide some sort of glimmer of happiness and you are arguing which is making her shopping a secret affair and a bargaining chip. 

That is what concerns me that you don't seem moved enough to want to fix this thing, you keep telling and showing your resentment and argue over that instead of talking about what is causing the both of you this discontent, and she doesn't want to deal with that, so the other thing she does is disappear insouciantly in shopping 

That's not easy, especially as you thought initially you had both worked hard in raising a family and now all you want is to live some life, have some fun with your wife that you thought felt the same as you in that regard. Do consult with your therapist at least weekly. You'd be surprised on what you can learn. Isolating yourselves without adequate communication skills won't help.

As far as marital counseling whether it works or not it can be hard to say the reason is it can work for other couples but not for you and your wife, as long as one partner is unwilling to learn and change there will be very little success with MC.

I totally agree , 

it is a hopeless case , 

yet my perseverance to make my wife and family happy is always making me move against the logic.

it hurts to break them all as well as my wife happiness

[zouzd]

18 hours ago, Els said:

So, it sounds to me like the poster I was thinking about is https://www.loveshack.org/profile/457228-zouz71/content/ . It was really easy to find, actually,  I just needed to type in "zou" with the search term of "sex"... and the first profile that came up matches yours exactly. Are you him? And if you are, I'm not sure what you're hoping to gain from asking this question, considering your long history of receiving advice on the same topic?

Dear Els,

i am the same guy , 

i disppeares more than 5 years , and came back here with more marks and wounds.

you seem to blame me for coming back , i am not her to put blames on my wife , nor to defend myself , nor to target female !

it is true that in my culture and among muslims the man is the person who takes care financially of the family and his wife ; which i am doing , though the aituation is different , we no longer live in tents like old muslims did , and my wife is an independent woman who works, drive, have her own friends and community , have both male and female friends , she earns money , travel alone , nothing is nowadays in many families around me nor in mine is the prototype of a dominant male kingdom.

the life style is a modern one, the habits and duties of me and similar husbands are the old ones only in terms of what we spend and do for the family.

if you refered to the fact that my wife was taking care of kids more than me and i am bringing money is no longer the case , it was may be a short perid after maternity ,

all my kids went then to daycare and school and i was the responsible from all aspects in terms of paying for it and bringing them .

 

myself and majority of my friends status is the same , the man is reaponsible of almost everything .

in my case i even pay for a helper to come 3 times per week to do the chores , 

cooking is not a must , laundry and chores is distributed , i do my own .

what do you want more ? 

if i have a choice i would say i wish i was the bride!

now going back to why i am here , it is because i an really hurt of how women in modernized families are treated .

 

we are treated like s*** frankly;the only honorable thing is that our wives are not cheating on us , some others do too;

it is really a social dilemma where 

majority of women in modern muslim families are living the freedom you didnt expect have their husband do everethong , yet it is common that the husband is treated like shir.

 

i am here to vent and share thats it.

the only hobby i have is joinibg a dozen of old friends on a coffee now and then ; 9/10 of them are in same s***;while we are having a warrior break and ashamed to admit that we are cowards, wives called asking for services ..

my wife is the same as all of them in this society but a bit more equiped because her stupid hisband loves her and loves his family 

 

 

[Els]

The reason I'm mentioning your previous posts is that you've asked the same questions and received the same advice repeatedly, at which point you usually abandon the thread and then start a new one. If you just want to vent and not receive advice then fair enough, but I think in that case you should specifically mention that you're not looking for advice, so that people don't waste their time writing pages and pages of advice to you.

Honest question, have you ever taken ANY advice given to you over the 20+ posts you have made here complaining about your wife? There must be at least 100 suggestions in people's replies to you over your time on LS. Even here, in my post to you I made 3 suggestions, but you have ignored all of them in your 1000-word long post back to me.

Edited February 2 by Els

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, zouzd said:

I totally agree , 

it is a hopeless case , 

yet my perseverance to make my wife and family happy is always making me move against the logic.

it hurts to break them all as well as my wife happiness

That's very admirable of you, to continue to put in effort even when it becomes difficult. I hope that you can find a way to communicate effectively with your wife and work towards rekindling your love and connection.🌻

[zouzd]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

That's very admirable of you, to continue to put in effort even when it becomes difficult. I hope that you can find a way to communicate effectively with your wife and work towards rekindling your love and connection.🌻

thanks Dear,

i wish…

it is really exhausting, 

as long as i see a balance between the self esteem i get feom my kids  the hope in having my wife back and the pain on other hand ,i am still fighting .

you are a positive thinker!