Why did he leave my reply on read?

[FastHeart]

3 years ago I was texting in a forum because I had fallen in love with someone and didn’t know what to look for and how to make it up with him. These kind of feelings have been hard for me my whole life. A guy sent me a message to support me. I asked him questions about dating and he knew about my depressions as well. 
He let me know who he was, I kept my anonymity. He presented himself and it turned out he lived close to me. I did wish I could fall for this guy instead. But I didn’t find him attractive in he’s pictures. Didn’t keep the conversations after I made it with the guy. It was long distance relationship and I we lost it for eachother. 
 

Last year I just added this guy on fb for fun. He has already shown me who he was so I finally did to. After a while he started to text me. We kept conversations. It turned out happening more and more. Went from once in a month to every week and then every day. He was teasing me, I teased him back and we had fun. He invited me out 2 weeks ago. He wanted to meet me in person. He was texting me the days before the meeting, and the hours before the meeting. We were out together for almost 5 hours. I had to go because I had work the day after. He asked if I wanted to stay longer, but I had to have energy fog work the day after. 
He texted me when I arrived home. The day after he just texted me what he had been doing that day. After 2 days he asks me «how are you?». I reply «Fine, how about you?». Then he left my reply on read. Still havn’t heard from him. 
 

I’m going kind of sick when this happens. My feelings went stronger after our meeting. And this is the only guy who did know about my «off’s» and still wanted to spend time with me. He had even texted me «Goodnight» with a 🥰. Always used emojis to me. And I felt relaxed with him. We share a lot of the same story because he also has anxiety disorders and went to doctor for it. 
 

I feel something is wrong when he didn’t reply but Im not ready to close the book. He is still on my fb. 
If I dont hear anything from him soon I will send him a casual mssg. I can’t just let him go. And I’m in my 30’s now, and havn’t actually been intime yet. I’ve been in love before, but my personal issues made me suffer in silence. 
 

I know when it’s a person that means a lot for you U overanalyze it. If he was just a random guy I wouldn’t care. 
 

Whay do you think?

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you’ve gotten ahead of yourself here, and allowed yourself to become overly-invested. 

The truth is that you have met him once. Yes, you’ve been messaging a lot but that doesn’t necessarily mean you two were going to become more than friends. 

I would dial back your expectations; and be careful not to get too wrapped up in such online connections. He may still reply to you but it might  be only friendly in nature. 

[FastHeart]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you’ve gotten ahead of yourself here, and allowed yourself to become overly-invested. 

The truth is that you have met him once. Yes, you’ve been messaging a lot but that doesn’t necessarily mean you two were going to become more than friends. 

I would dial back your expectations; and be careful not to get too wrapped up in such online connections. He may still reply to you but it might  be only friendly in nature. 

Yes ofc. But why did he go silent so sudden? And he has always been the one starting the conversations. Asking how my days have been, and we had much fun. Can someone text somebody every single day and have long conversations every time without interest? 

And he wrote me that he felt a bit to fat to go out with me. I’m slim. For me didn’t matter, but he wrote that. 
 

So if I put to much in this, when can I actually feel allowed to feel this way tho? 
And I haven’t shown any sign that I like him. I’ve answered him he’s conversations, but I havn’t been asking him for meetngs or any other stuff that may seem pushy. 

[d0nnivain]

I think you are overestimating your connection with this guy.  All the texting & whatever else went on for 3 years was meaningless.  Nothing counted until you met.  At this point you have had 1 date & have known the guy for about 5 hours.  That's it.  

You can't judge anything by the frequency or speed of text replies.  You can only judge by the quality of in person responses. 

However since your entire interaction until now was virtual & he knows you are overly sensitive it's kind of rude for him not to reply for 2 weeks.  I am so sorry that you are sick over this but that is part of your problem.  You get too attached too easily & then you get hurt.  If you have never been in therapy, now is a good time to start.  Therapy is wonderful.  It helps fill in some emotional learning gaps we all have.  

I hate to say it but a 2 week no response is a full on ghosting.  I suppose something could have happened to him but it's more likely that he just decided that in person you is not something he wants to pursue. It may not be you; it may be him because his statement that he's too fat is an indication that he has self esteem problems too.  Since you are connected on social media, check there.  If he's been posting he's alive & his failure to get back to you is deliberate.   

Edited January 31, 2024 by d0nnivain

[FastHeart]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I think you are overestimating your connection with this guy.  All the texting & whatever else went on for 3 years was meaningless.  Nothing counted until you met.  At this point you have had 1 date & have known the guy for about 5 hours.  That's it.

texting didn’t went for 3 years. But it was the first time we met. But it was because he wanted to talk to me, because he saw my post. This is a place ppl talk about stuff. It is natural that we didn’t keep the conversation. He didn’t know who I was. And my problem went solved.

Nothing counted? I started gradually to think the guy looks cute. But it wasn’t a big thing.  

You can't judge anything by the frequency or speed of text replies.  You can only judge by the quality of in person responses. 

He has always replied. In the beginning it sometimes took him few days. But it was more and more frequent. And he could ask what did I do last night? Are U out today its so cold, and so on.. 

However since your entire interaction until now was virtual & he knows you are overly sensitive it's kind of rude for him not to reply for 2 weeks.  I am so sorry that you are sick over this but that is part of your problem.  You get too attached too easily & then you get hurt.  If you have never been in therapy, now is a good time to start.  Therapy is wonderful.  It helps fill in some emotional learning gaps we all have.  
i dont get attached easely. I have been complaining about never falling in love, to my friends. It might take years between the times I fall in love. Even when guys show interest. 

I hate to say it but a 2 week no response is a full on ghosting.  I suppose something could have happened to him but it's more likely that he just decided that in person you is not something he wants to pursue. It may not be you; it may be him because his statement that he's too fat is an indication that he has self esteem problems too.  Since you are connected on social media, check there.  If he's been posting he's alive & his failure to get back to you is deliberate.   

To Your last answer. Its not 2 weeks. It’s one week since now. HE asked ME how am I. 
He’s not posting stuff anyways no its no reason to check on in fb. Im looking at pictures of him ofc, but he has been online. 
If its the problem, he feeling to fat, its super sad because I like him for who he is! Is there a chance he might think I will never like a guy like him?

[d0nnivain]

If he's posting pictures then you know he's not dead in a ditch or sick.  So you also know he is CHOSING not to respond to you. 

You could reach out again but you will have to be brave.  I would because then at least you will know. 

I'd say something like "Hey, haven't heard from you.  I had so much fun on our date!  I'd like to do it again.  Would you like to meet me at [location] on [date/ day of the  week] my treat?"   See what he does with that but you have to be the one who asks him out &you have to pay for it.  It's a brave new modern world & woman are allowed to take the initiative.  

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

. After 2 days he asks me «how are you?». I reply «Fine, how about you?». Then he left my reply on read. 

If you liked him and had a good time why didn't you mention it? When he texted you how are you, your reply was rather icy with just "fine"? Were you upset? Why so cold? If you would like to see him again please send a friendlier warmer text telling him you had fun and invite him out..

Edited January 31, 2024 by Wiseman2

[FastHeart]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you liked him and had a good time why didn't you mention it? When he texted you how are you, your reply was rather icy with just "fine"? Were you upset? Why so cold? If you would like to see him again please send a friendlier warmer text telling him you had fun and invite him out..

I asked him «fine, how about you?» is that cold?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, FastHeart said:

I asked him «fine, how about you?» is that cold?

Yes it's very cold and unengaging.. please send something more warmer that requires a reply. 

[FastHeart]

16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If he's posting pictures then you know he's not dead in a ditch or sick.  So you also know he is CHOSING not to respond to you. 

You could reach out again but you will have to be brave.  I would because then at least you will know. 

I'd say something like "Hey, haven't heard from you.  I had so much fun on our date!  I'd like to do it again.  Would you like to meet me at [location] on [date/ day of the  week] my treat?"   See what he does with that but you have to be the one who asks him out &you have to pay for it.  It's a brave new modern world & woman are allowed to take the initiative.  

He’s not posting. He’s not that person who posts a lot of stuff. Neither am I anymore. We’re just online sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if something happened to messenger bcs my reply went from «seen» to «sent». I checked my chats with other ppl and the same happened there. I asked if they saw my last mssg and both replied yes. Then I tried log in on my laptop and there it was «seen» and at what time. So I bet he has seen it. 
 

Yes U are right. I have to text him if I want to move on. It will be easier for me then. If I send him something and he again leave me on read I will think he is a big coward and thats not charming. 

[FastHeart]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes it's very cold and unengaging.. please send something more warmer that requires a reply. 

I couldn’t imagine that this is cold. I was just answering he’s question and asked him back? Is it normal for a guy to go upset by an answer like that?

[FastHeart]

But what kind of question should I ask, without seeming to pushy? 

[d0nnivain]

Ask him out.  Be bold.  Stop worrying about being too pushy.   You are simply being assertive which is a great thing!

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, FastHeart said:

 Is it normal for a guy to go upset by an answer like that?

Who knows why he didn't reply but that text is something someone would say to a stranger in passing. He may not even be upset at all since there's no need to reply to that text. Leaving you on read is not some sort of punishment or cryptic message. 

Edited January 31, 2024 by Wiseman2

[FastHeart]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who knows why he didn't reply but that text is something someone would say to a stranger in passing. He may not even be upset at all since there's no need to reply to that text.

He could have replied to my question: «in good to». Not leaving someone on read when they asking back. 
 

The reason why I didn’t double text is:

1: I want to wait and see if he text me again.

2. He wasted he’s and my time texting and having a lot of fun. Resulting in me liking him even more after the meeting. I’m not a reader of toughts, so I dont know about him. But to me it doesn’t make sense to text someone a lot, every day, inviting them out, telling you that you are to beutiful to hang with a fat guy without liking me.

[robaday]

People are way more flaky these days in general I find. Friends, relatives, potential dates. I suspect because we have so many ways of communicating now, so many apps, so many simultaneous conversations (very few in person), people get overwhelmed. Or they read it before going to bed, tell themselves they will reply in the morning, then forget. I'd follow up with another message. Sometimes we think the worst about stuff and start getting things in our head about another person, but sometimes it has nothing to do with us and we need to relax and try once more. 

Other option is you decide you dont like people who have left you on read (for whatever reason). That's totally fine too and I think justified. In which case leave it be.

You also mention that he was always the one initiating conversation. That can be tiresome at times, he might have figured he was doing most of the work and wasnt getting the same back.  

 

[stillafool]

I would suggest that from now on if you like a guy be warm and friendly to show that you are definitely interested in getting to know them in a romantic way.  If not, it's too easy for men to lose interest and move on to someone more interested.  Playing hard to get is a turn off these days because people have so many options.

[FastHeart]

34 minutes ago, robaday said:

People are way more flaky these days in general I find. Friends, relatives, potential dates. I suspect because we have so many ways of communicating now, so many apps, so many simultaneous conversations (very few in person), people get overwhelmed. Or they read it before going to bed, tell themselves they will reply in the morning, then forget. I'd follow up with another message. Sometimes we think the worst about stuff and start getting things in our head about another person, but sometimes it has nothing to do with us and we need to relax and try once more. 

Other option is you decide you dont like people who have left you on read (for whatever reason). That's totally fine too and I think justified. In which case leave it be.

You also mention that he was always the one initiating conversation. That can be tiresome at times, he might have figured he was doing most of the work and wasnt getting the same back.  

 

I wouldn’t forget the reply from someone I liked tho. Yes it might be that he realises he was the one starting. I have to try, but Im not ready yet. But I just have to… 

[FastHeart]

23 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I would suggest that from now on if you like a guy be warm and friendly to show that you are definitely interested in getting to know them in a romantic way.  If not, it's too easy for men to lose interest and move on to someone more interested.  Playing hard to get is a turn off these days because people have so many options.

What anout me? If he does this to play hard to get, he is risking the same tho? That I will loose interest.

[FastHeart]

Well what I actually did reply was: «Fine. Going for a walk before going to bed. How about U?». I didn’t think this walk thing mattered, but is my reply still cold?

[Alpacalia]

You could try reaching out to him if he's on your mind. The thing is, if you're worried about coming across as pushy, and if you reach out again and he still doesn't reply, then he's just not the person for you. Something in his life may've happened or he accidentally closed it.

Here's an example. My best friend from childhood's mother just passed away and she text me last night to tell me but I was asleep. I saw the message this morning and haven't responded yet because she asked me a while ago not to call before 7am. So I am not replying to her text but will call her shortly. 

The point is, other people could have their own issues that have nothing to do with you so try to alleviate this feeling of feeling sick even if he doesn't text you back. Easier said than done, I know, because you already have feelings invested.
 

[d0nnivain]

Your reply wasn't cold but it was also a nothing, tepid response not something that moved a conversation forward.  It was kind of boilerplate not something in need of a reply.  Still a week of nothing / radio silence after he bombarded you for all these years is rude.   

Don't worry about the double texting.  It's not like you are sending 12-16 texts within a few hours of your last text.  Popping back up now, days later,  with one message trying to set up a date is not clingy, pushy or any other negative thing you are ascribing to the behavior.  It is confident.  To hide & sit here wringing your hands hoping & waiting for him to get back to you is obsequious & unattractive. 

Honestly based on his self deprecating comment about being fat he needs the encouragement.   If you insist on waiting for him to make the next move you are going to grow old & lonely. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, FastHeart said:

What anout me? If he does this to play hard to get, he is risking the same tho? That I will loose interest.

Him doing all the calling is not playing hard to get.  You showing him no sign that you like him is playing hard to get.  At some time guys get fed up with that action and move on to girls who are more interested.  He may not even be fat for all you know, just saying that to see what your response is or he's fed up and trying to turn you off because he sees this going nowhere.

 

3 hours ago, FastHeart said:

And I haven’t shown any sign that I like him. I’ve answered him he’s conversations, but I havn’t been asking him for meetngs or any other stuff that may seem pushy. 

 

[FastHeart]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Your reply wasn't cold but it was also a nothing, tepid response not something that moved a conversation forward.  It was kind of boilerplate not something in need of a reply.  Still a week of nothing / radio silence after he bombarded you for all these years is rude.   

Don't worry about the double texting.  It's not like you are sending 12-16 texts within a few hours of your last text.  Popping back up now, days later,  with one message trying to set up a date is not clingy, pushy or any other negative thing you are ascribing to the behavior.  It is confident.  To hide & sit here wringing your hands hoping & waiting for him to get back to you is obsequious & unattractive. 

Honestly based on his self deprecating comment about being fat he needs the encouragement.   If you insist on waiting for him to make the next move you are going to grow old & lonely. 

Ok I think U are right. But one thing is wrong. He hasn’t bombed me for 3 years. 3 years ago is when we first kind of got to know eachother…or, I got to know him. I didn’t want to show who I was because of what I’ve been writing. 
And we didn’t text for 3 years straight.

It was last year. I added him on fb, and since he wasn’t a guy I would fall for, it didn’t matter that he has seen me unatteactive sides. 
Around autumn last year he started. But it wasn’t like every week. All innocent. But it became more frequently. Then it ended to be every day. And he said he got to meet me in real person. So we had a meeting for almost 5 hours. He asked if I wanted to go with him to another place, another way to say that he wanted to stay longer with me. 
But I had to be responsible and think about work the day after. He gave me a hun twice. Texted me when I came back home. 2 days later asked how is it going. And then he didn’t answer my reply. 

[FastHeart]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Him doing all the calling is not playing hard to get.  You showing him no sign that you like him is playing hard to get.  At some time guys get fed up with that action and move on to girls who are more interested.  He may not even be fat for all you know, just saying that to see what your response is or he's fed up and trying to turn you off because he sees this going nowhere.

 

 

I knew how he looked like before we met. He is actually a bit fat, but I dont care.