Ex Gave Mixed Messages, Now Blocked

[MlleNoire]

Hi. I stumbled on this site because of a previous post (linked below) years ago that was similar. I can't comment on it so I have to start a new thread. I'm sorry in advance for the length. 

My ex and I dated and lived together for 3 years. Small issues built up, things we tried to address that could never be resolved, and ultimately I fell into depression and he fell out of love. I feel like I did not properly appreciate him during the relationship and now that we are broken up I see that I was needlessly looking for problems in the relationship. I am setting out to work on myself through reflection and therapy. I do not want to repeat my mistakes with a future partner.

In early December, we agreed to breakup when the holidays were over. I moved out on 12/30/2023. On move out day I changed my mind about the breakup and he did not. It has been a month and I went through many embarrassing actions like reaching out and not giving him the space he said he needed. On the other hand, he said he wanted to be friends and kept sending mixed signals. Through text he said there was nothing anymore. In person, he was as warm as before and said there was not "no chance" and maybe in the distant future we could end up together if life works out that way. I told him I believed love and relationships were a choice, it doesn't just happen to you. 

I realized that I could not be friends. I told him a couple days ago to please not speak to me unless it was about us. He asked if I had anything to say before we never spoke again, wished me a good life, and said he would remove all ambiguity and block me. And he did. 

One thing I'm really struggling with is obsessive thoughts about everything. A lot of what ifs and regrets I'm trying to move forward from. "What if I gave him that space? What if I don't reach out and he never wants me back? What if he does want me back as soon as I am moving on? Would he even say anything after how things ended? Will he ever unblock me?"

I am frustrated that he felt he had to block me. It feels like he could not handle talking about anything to do with what we were and would rather pretend there is nothing there when I know he is more emotional than he let's on over text. I am trying to understand it from his perspective too. He's doing the best he can, even if it hurts me. I also know I should have given him the space he asked for, but I was too self centered and pained to do so. I wish I had acted better and I am ashamed of my character during this. After some reading on this site, I am trying to conclude he was just too nice to rip the band-aid right away and really did not want me, even though he said things that gave me hope. He was confused himself. 

Does anyone have guidance or stories on handling this? It is still very fresh and my first big breakup. But it's so hard. I am struggling to feel like there is anything to look forward to and my future plans feel tainted because I imagined him in them, like my wish to move to a specific city we visited. Now I don't know if I can do it without seeing him everywhere. Everyone says time helps, but I am scared of time. I don't want him to move on without me, yet I know he is already gone. I just need to come to terms with it. How, I don't know. 

.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, MlleNoire said:

 I fell into depression and he fell out of love. I feel l I moved out on 12/30/2023. On move out day I changed my mind about the breakup and he did not. . He asked if I had anything to say before we never spoke again, wished me a good life, and said he would remove all ambiguity and block me. And he did. 

Sorry this is happening. How long did you live together? How old is he? What was the breakup about? Are you living with family now? Please reach out to trusted friends and family for support.

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support.

It's good he blocked you in that it prevents dragging out the heartache. 

 

 

[MlleNoire]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long did you live together? How old is he? What was the breakup about? Are you living with family now? Please reach out to trusted friends and family for support.

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support.

It's good he blocked you in that it prevents dragging out the heartache. 

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

We lived together for 3 years. We moved in only after about 4-6 months of dating due to external factors. He was kind enough to invite me to live with him. He is 25 I am 24. I am living with family now, yes, but there are many stressors in that because that is partially why I moved in with him, to separate from my family. I am trying to reach out to others and it helps sometimes. It doesn't stop the heartache though. I hope it fades over time. The hope still hurts. 

It's just hard... I am following medications that I am prescribed for depression, I'm seeing a LPC therapist and increasing sessions to twice a week next week. I am just also struggling because I am someone who has a hard time letting things just be. I hate feeling like my actions do not help. Is there a test past depression that you believe a physician could aid in diagnosing? What would I ask for? 

[flitzanu]

i'd say your actions don't matter.  

some of the words you used though don't reflect how things are.  you talked about this being "both of you" agreeing to break up, and that's not how it works, he wanted to break up with you, and that's his decision, not yours, and whether you want it to happen doesn't matter, it is what he wants.  

and him offering to be friends is just lip service, as he realized you want more and push for more, and he isn't going to give you false hope so he blocked you.

hard truth is, he doesn't want to fix this, and is being very clear that he doesn't want to be with you.  it sucks and it hurts, but that's what you have to face, and you'll struggle one day at a time until eventually it stops hurting.

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, MlleNoire said:

 We moved in only after about 4-6 months of dating due to external factors. . I am living with family now, yes, but there are many stressors in that because that is partially why I moved in with him, to separate from my family. Is there a test past depression that you believe a physician could aid in diagnosing? 

Depression is a condition in itself as well as a symptom of many things. Only your healthcare provider can determine that.

Unfortunately it seems like a situation of too much too soon as far as moving in together, especially since it was to escape problems.

Unfortunately it seems you went from the frying pan to the fire because sadly there are issues at home. Hopefully those are resolving and you can get help with that. 

[MlleNoire]

8 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

i'd say your actions don't matter.  

some of the words you used though don't reflect how things are.  you talked about this being "both of you" agreeing to break up, and that's not how it works, he wanted to break up with you, and that's his decision, not yours, and whether you want it to happen doesn't matter, it is what he wants.  

and him offering to be friends is just lip service, as he realized you want more and push for more, and he isn't going to give you false hope so he blocked you.

hard truth is, he doesn't want to fix this, and is being very clear that he doesn't want to be with you.  it sucks and it hurts, but that's what you have to face, and you'll struggle one day at a time until eventually it stops hurting.

He does not want me. You are right. I wish I could lean into anything he said to the contrary, but the blocking was a final message from him when I told him I could not just be friends. I guess I can finally stop saying I agreed to the breakup. He saw it through and it was what he wants. I had my own role to play but he definitely made his decision. 

It's hard to imagine 3 years poofed away so fast. I only hope things get easier. I have to believe it does. 

[MlleNoire]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Depression is a condition in itself as well as a symptom of many things. Only your healthcare provider can determine that.

Unfortunately it seems like a situation of too much too soon as far as moving in together, especially since it was to escape problems.

Unfortunately it seems you went from the frying pan to the fire because sadly there are issues at home. Hopefully those are resolving and you can get help with that. 

That's fair. Maybe it was all built on an unstable foundation and I'm just seeing the consequences of that now. I need to plan a way for myself to become independent and able to live on my own soon. I hope I can one day find a stronger and more stable love. 

[Alpacalia]

This blocking thing is so hair trigger these days--and so absolute and extreme. I mean, if I'd been this trigger-happy back in the day I'd have cut off ties with every man I went out with after four dates (the equivalent, I think, of a month of dating nowadays.) Or if they're being harrassed, which is a valid use.

It's weird, and it makes sense that people use it as a tool to end the middle when reality is not clear--and to avoid hurting people who they know feel hurt in more concrete ways once they know they're blocked. So, ouch and all that but not necessarily the end of the world--just a tool for him to try and protect himself and not be hurt.

I want to say that it takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to acknowledge and take responsibility for your mistakes in the relationship. It shows that you are willing to grow and learn from this experience, which is important as you move forward.

He is just trying what he needs to do to heal. But, I think you should just take a deep breath and let yourself feel. Grieve. You obviously loved him and it's hard to just flip that on the off switch. You need to mourn what might have been and just allow yourself to feel sad. It sucks and it's hard, but it's part of the process. As for the city, just because you imagined him there doesn't mean you can't go. It's time for you to live your life and make your own choices without him. You are capable of finding a new love, seeing a new city, embarking on a different journey on your own. It may be scary at first, but it's also empowering. You don't want someone in your life because you can't imagine it without them. You want someone in your life because they enhance it and you choose to be with them; it has nothing to do with not being able to live without them.

[MlleNoire]

58 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

This blocking thing is so hair trigger these days--and so absolute and extreme. I mean, if I'd been this trigger-happy back in the day I'd have cut off ties with every man I went out with after four dates (the equivalent, I think, of a month of dating nowadays.) Or if they're being harrassed, which is a valid use.

It's weird, and it makes sense that people use it as a tool to end the middle when reality is not clear--and to avoid hurting people who they know feel hurt in more concrete ways once they know they're blocked. So, ouch and all that but not necessarily the end of the world--just a tool for him to try and protect himself and not be hurt.

I want to say that it takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to acknowledge and take responsibility for your mistakes in the relationship. It shows that you are willing to grow and learn from this experience, which is important as you move forward.

He is just trying what he needs to do to heal. But, I think you should just take a deep breath and let yourself feel. Grieve. You obviously loved him and it's hard to just flip that on the off switch. You need to mourn what might have been and just allow yourself to feel sad. It sucks and it's hard, but it's part of the process. As for the city, just because you imagined him there doesn't mean you can't go. It's time for you to live your life and make your own choices without him. You are capable of finding a new love, seeing a new city, embarking on a different journey on your own. It may be scary at first, but it's also empowering. You don't want someone in your life because you can't imagine it without them. You want someone in your life because they enhance it and you choose to be with them; it has nothing to do with not being able to live without them.

Thank you. I'll try to remember what you said, some of which gave me hope and I want to reference in the future. 

You are right that I shouldn't let this change my future dreams, but at this moment they are hard to remember and not include him and the pain that he will not be there. On the other hand, I hope you are right about how a partner is meant to enhance your life. Even if he someday wanted back into my life, perhaps I can be living it fully enough to stand back and consider if he would even add to it at that point. And he can do the same.  

I think the blocking is where it hurt most. Blocking feels very extreme and it sends a much more harsh message than I have ever seen in person. It feels so incongruent with my perspective of him that I'm feeling a sort of whiplash. I can't help but hope he will one day unblock, but what then, if he doesn't want to try for us? Probably nothing then, because I don't think friendship is in the cards in any near future. I hope he sorts himself out too so he doesn't confuse both of us any more. 

I am taking some deep breaths now. I will try to cry it out when I need to. Hopefully that'll help the really low and sad moods pass easier and faster. I think thinking of future goals and feeling even a little more capable of achieving them will be a important tool for me to recover over time. 

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, MlleNoire said:

One thing I'm really struggling with is obsessive thoughts about everything. A lot of what ifs and regrets I'm trying to move forward from. "What if I gave him that space? What if I don't reach out and he never wants me back? What if he does want me back as soon as I am moving on? Would he even say anything after how things ended? Will he ever unblock me?"

This is all quite normal after a break up.  It's the hardest part if you ask me.  You aren't going to get over a 3 year relationship overnight, especially when you didn't want to break up.  I think blocking you was the best thing he could do for himself as well as you.  If not, you probably would still try to contact him to talk about your past relationship and it's clear he's moved on and wants to distance himself.  By blocking you, you are forced to go NC with him and in time you'll give up and began to heal, which is probably his goal.  Blocking is a very useful tactic when going through a break up.

[d0nnivain]

You moved in too fast for all the wrong reasons.  You never had a good foundation.  Especially since this was your 1st love, it's understandable that mistakes were made. 

You had a relationship but it's over now.  Stop torturing yourself with the what-if gams.  If you were a different person your life would not be the same.  You will always be you so this is a fruitless exercise. 

Don't worry about him.   Focus on yourself.  He blocked you because he is a smart man & is kind in a way you don't understand yet.  he knows that interacting with you is giving you false hope.  It's cruel to be kind so he's being definitive, shutting that door & forcing you to move forward. 

For now you say your living situation with family is not ideal & you admit you moved out to get away from them.  So let's focus on that to start.  Set a S.M.A.R.T. goal to move out.  What do you need to get a place on your own or with a roommate?  Where to do you want to live?  What are rents like there?  Do you need to earn more?  As a freshly broken up person you need to distract yourself & fill your time.  It's the perfect opportunity to work overtime or pick up a 2nd job / side hustle.  That has the added benefit of keeping you out of a house where you don't want to be.  Save for a down payment & get a new place / fresh start when you can.  Is by summer realistic?  You want to give yourself something to look forward to 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Please read a book called Obsessive Love, by Dr. Susan Forward. It helped me tremendously when I was in a similar situation years ago.