the harder i try to explain, the worse it gets.

[burnt heart]

i try to tell my bf yesterday by email how i feel about his little put downs. i guess that was a mistake cause he got really mad at me. he sent an email back to me saying that all i do is sit on the internet and he is tired of coming home to no dinner, dirty dishes and a smelly cat box.

 

he also said i am way too sensitive and he has to walk on eggshells around me so as not to hurt my feelings.

 

that he lets things build up and that is why he goes off on me.

 

he acknowledged having to work on his built up anger, but still his words hurt me. i know that i am very sensitive, and i don't mean for him to have to walk on egg shells. i don't think our house is that dirty, but the cat box does smell alot but we have two cats and it seems impossible to keep up on. so should i take what he says when he is mad at me as his true feelings, or just anger or built up anger as he says?

 

i just don't know what to do. i tried to tell him in a nice way, that i don't want to be put down anymore, that we are adults and that he can "tell me" things and if he has to let them build up like that before he can blow off steam and tell me how he feels then that is not fair to take it out on me, that he needs to "talk to me".

 

what else can i tell him? it seems the more i try to straighten this up the worse it is getting. i don't cook either cause by the time he comes home from work he has already eaten dinner at work anyway, i know this cause i have done it before and that is what happened.

 

any other suggestions, before i explode and end up leaving him after being together for a very long time, and we are getting close to buying a house and talking marriage.

 

i wont do neither, well the house will be in his name not mine anyway, but i don't wanna marry him anyway, not like the way things are now, but that is way off in the future anyway, if ever, but my point is how close we are without all these other problems.

[Dragonflys]

You sound co-dependant

 

It seems like you are waiting for someone to come up with a quick fix solution to your problem.

 

The problem is your boyfriend seems to think you are the problem.

 

I disagree with him, you are not the problem, he is not the problem, the fact the two of you are together is the problem.

 

Let him find some bitch who has no feelings, and you go find a man that will listen to you, a man who has empathy.

 

In time you will find that the only solution....

 

Oliver

[Patty]

i try to tell my bf yesterday by email how i feel about his little put downs. i guess that was a mistake cause he got really mad at me. he sent an email back to me saying that all i do is sit on the internet and he is tired of coming home to no dinner, dirty dishes and a smelly cat box. he also said i am way too sensitive and he has to walk on eggshells around me so as not to hurt my feelings. that he lets things build up and that is why he goes off on me.

Hi there! Cant you make him dinner?,Then the next night he make you dinner? Or Im sure the 2 of you can put in your 50/50 share of house chores and stuff to make a happier life style,try that and see if that helps divide the dirty dishes in half or 1 night you wash or the other night he wash and the same with the cat box.That would make it more fair. But remember he is working too and when Im working myself I feel tired myself and sometimes I dont always feel like cooking.

he acknowledged having to work on his built up anger, but still his words hurt me. i know that i am very sensitive, and i don't mean for him to have to walk on egg shells. i don't think our house is that dirty, but the cat box does smell alot but we have two cats and it seems impossible to keep up on. so should i take what he says when he is mad at me as his true feelings, or just anger or built up anger as he says?

Maybe if hes making you this unhappy hes just not right for you.I think that you'd be happy with someone who could be so much more nicer and caring.I know I would.not someone that doesnt respect you or see anything good about you.

i just don't know what to do. i tried to tell him in a nice way, that i don't want to be put down anymore, that we are adults and that he can "tell me" things and if he has to let them build up like that before he can blow off steam and tell me how he feels then that is not fair to take it out on me, that he needs to "talk to me".

No,its not fair to take it out on you.Dont even waste your time with someone that you think thats going to make you miserable its not worth it,and if your sick of being put down,you do what you think is best,this is just my opinion.

what else can i tell him? it seems the more i try to straighten this up the worse it is getting. i don't cook either cause by the time he comes home from work he has already eaten dinner at work anyway, i know this cause i have done it before and that is what happened. any other suggestions, before i explode and end up leaving him after being together for a very long time, and we are getting close to buying a house and talking marriage. i wont do neither, well the house will be in his name not mine anyway, but i don't wanna marry him anyway, not like the way things are now, but that is way off in the future anyway, if ever, but my point is how close we are without all these other problems.

 

You made a good choice on waiting. Extra time to do anything at all before final descision is always best.Have a good day:) I hope my advice could help you.

[Laurynn]

First of all, as someone with 6 indoor cats and 6 litterboxes to keep clean, there is NO excuse for a smelly litterbox, period. I don't know what kind of setup you have, but you should have one box per cat. Use scoopable litter (WalMart sells great stuff called "Special Kitty"..comes in various types: Scented, Odor Control, one with Baking Soda for Odors, plain/all scoopable...it's only $7 for a 40 lb box) and scooping each box daily should keep the odor down completely. If the box you're using now is "old", go and buy yourself *2* new ones......start fresh- with 2 fresh new boxes and fresh new litter. Often times, pee gets down in the bottom of the box and even if you're scooping out the 'contents', you're not getting the pee that's stuck to the bottom..then you have bacteria growing, the smell of ammonia from the urine, and if you're lucky, you're cat won't end up getting a Urinary Tract Infection from the 'bacteria' in the box.

 

I have a spare bedroom I use strictly for the 6 litterboxes....and I scoop them daily. I also feed my cats high quality cat food.....the better the food you feed them, the less they p**p and the smellier it is. Yes, it may cost a little more but you actually feed "less" (because there's less crappy fillers and cheap quality grains in it (dry food, I'm talking about) which cause smelly poops and then, smell). If you're not keeping the boxes fresh and clean on a daily basis, you're asking for one or both of your cats to 'protest' and start peeing / pooping OUTSIDE of the box (cats are clean, meticulous animals and they don't like a dirty box).

 

You wrote: "I don't think our house is that dirty." THAT DIRTY? That implies that you agree it's not really clean. If you're at home all day and you don't have little children to run after, and you're not working, your house should be spotless. If you were working full time, that might be a different story (although, many women work full time and still keep a very clean house).

 

It sounds to me like your b/f resents the fact that you're maybe not contributing to the relationship (home) like you should. As for his complaint that you spend too much time on the internet, do you? The Net can be very addicting as many of us know. The amount of time one spends online IS a problem if it starts to interfere with 'life'.....if you're neglecting housework, running the home, caring for the kids, not spending enough quality time with your partner. Maybe your b/f has a point?

 

I've been in a couple live-in relationships before, where the guy initially promised that he'd pull his weight and do his fair share, but ended up being a lazy whiner. I felt like I was doing it all: working, making sure the bills were paid on time, getting the groceries/always making sure there was good food in the house, making the meals, doing the laundry, the housework, yardwork, etc etc. I grew to resent these men tremendously. I was lucky if they'd get off their duff and take the garbage out on garbage day, or maybe mow the lawn when it got to be a foot high (okay, I exaggerate a little on this last one).

 

There has to be a mutually agreed upon "balance" in a relationship...where each person does their fair share. I know from experience, there's nothing more aggravating then coming home from a long day at work to find your partner (who wasn't working/maybe had the day off) did nothing all day but goof off or do the 'bare minimum'....just spent the day online. I quickly lost all respect for these guys and my resentment for them grew and grew...til I felt the need to leave them.

 

Does your b/f have a point in all of this? Are you working your hardest and best? Do you get a lot accomplished during the day while he's at work? Can you really say that you work as hard as he does, that you put as much effort into things?

 

Is the reason he eats before coming home from work because he knows you won't have anything made/that you maybe can't cook? Do you ever call him up around 3pm and tell him you have a nice dinner waiting for him and you can't wait to see him? Nobody wants to come home from working all day, to a partner who doesn't work but hasn't even bothered to make a decent dinner. That's pathetic.

 

If your b/f has these complaints, maybe it's time to really take a good hard look and figure out if there's some truth to his complaints......How hard are you trying here? Do you think he's all to blame?

 

Laurynn

[Tony T]

I have forwarded your post to the United States Environmental Protection Commission for study and action. There is a comprehensive program underway at this time to minimize offending animal odors in urban areas.

 

Word on the street is that the Secretary of the Interior is working on a directive that would require the owners of three or more cats to move no less than 15 miles outside the city limits and to receive a Federal permit in order that inspectors may measure the amount of odors emission from each place where multiple felines are domiciled.

 

President Bush's environmental initiatives are not only focused on the odorous expellant of feline litter boxes but other animals as well. Zoos, animal control centers, humane societies, veterniarian offices, and other facilities that house multiple animals will be required to comply.

 

Those persons who are noncompliant will be detected using infrared detection equipment from airplanes overhead. This odor sensitive equipment is able to identify those places where multiple animals are being held secretly.

 

The fines imposed will be up to $1,000 per day per animal.

 

The only way you can keep from being detected by this government equipment is to keep fresh litter for your cats at all times, clean out the litter boxes once or twice a day, spray the area with disinfectant and, when you hear the plane flying overhead, cover the litter boxes with a soft material that is inpenetrable by sensitive detection equipment.

[little d]

Ok, I'm sure the cat problem has been covered already and maybe you do need to look into your role in the relationship and weather or not you are contributing enough but I don't feel anyone deserves to be put down especially by someone they care about! The least this guy could do is talk to you about how he is feeling. If you can't talk to each other without attacking each other for who they are then why would you want to be with someone that doesn't love you for who you are. It's very hard to do nice things or help people out that don't appreciate it. If this is the case that you don't want to do these every day things because in someway it's never good enough for him GET RID OF HIM. Before the house and and marriage, there is enough divorce. This guy should put in as much as you also.

 

Don't take what he says to you when he is angry personally. He needs to get a little anger managment. Wether your pulling your weight or not it sounds like verbal abuse and it's WRONG!!

i try to tell my bf yesterday by email how i feel about his little put downs. i guess that was a mistake cause he got really mad at me. he sent an email back to me saying that all i do is sit on the internet and he is tired of coming home to no dinner, dirty dishes and a smelly cat box. he also said i am way too sensitive and he has to walk on eggshells around me so as not to hurt my feelings. that he lets things build up and that is why he goes off on me. he acknowledged having to work on his built up anger, but still his words hurt me. i know that i am very sensitive, and i don't mean for him to have to walk on egg shells. i don't think our house is that dirty, but the cat box does smell alot but we have two cats and it seems impossible to keep up on. so should i take what he says when he is mad at me as his true feelings, or just anger or built up anger as he says? i just don't know what to do. i tried to tell him in a nice way, that i don't want to be put down anymore, that we are adults and that he can "tell me" things and if he has to let them build up like that before he can blow off steam and tell me how he feels then that is not fair to take it out on me, that he needs to "talk to me". what else can i tell him? it seems the more i try to straighten this up the worse it is getting. i don't cook either cause by the time he comes home from work he has already eaten dinner at work anyway, i know this cause i have done it before and that is what happened. any other suggestions, before i explode and end up leaving him after being together for a very long time, and we are getting close to buying a house and talking marriage. i wont do neither, well the house will be in his name not mine anyway, but i don't wanna marry him anyway, not like the way things are now, but that is way off in the future anyway, if ever, but my point is how close we are without all these other problems.