Is he lying?

[Bananananana]

Met a guy in an online game, we exchanged discord accounts and have been messaging for about a year, first as friends, and past 2-3 months more romantically with daily messages and talks. Now also talking about meeting irl.

I stopped gaming as much but I stalk a bit and noticed that on the game where we met he has a friend (woman) who he hangs out with a lot. 
I stalked her and saw that she posts messages about having found love and things she say about her lover are awfully similar to my guy. In fact, I know it’s him cause she also posted with their game characters together. 

I didn’t want to look like a psycho so I asked him not about this girl, but in general if he was talking to other people or flirting with other people (telling him I understand if he does because we are not official necessarily, but I just want the truth) he said he is not. Then I asked if he’s planning to meet other ppl from that game irl he said “absolutely not!”. 

I feel confused and hurt. Im now thinking about showing him exactly this girls posts to see what he says but I don’t want to look so crazy…

 

 

[introverted1]

54 minutes ago, Bananananana said:

In fact, I know it’s him cause she also posted with their game characters together. 

If you are truly able to know this, then yes, he's lying when he says he's not talking to other people.

But the bigger question is: why are you wasting your time talking to someone you don't even know rather than finding a real-life guy to date?  Online relationships typically don't pan out as they are built on fantasy and one (or both) parties tend to shift focus at some point.  

How old are you? 

[d0nnivain]

He might be lying especially because he thinks there is no way for him to get caught.  He has every right to talk to, flirt with, meet or even have sex with anybody he likes.  You two aren't anything; you haven't even met yet.  That said, him lying about it is a bad sign.  On the other hand you never should have asked the Q because you really don't need to know that.  Until you meet somebody in real life, start dating them, & have the talk where you agree to be exclusive, you need to assume they are dating other people & leave it at that  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Bananananana said:

I feel confused and hurt.

This is the sign that you are overly-invested in this guy. 

You two aren't dating, of course, and don't owe each other anything. But you seem to have let your expectations get away with you when you don't know him on any significant level. He may or may not be a decent guy in real life. 

Unless and until travel plans are confirmed (meaning, you two actually book something), please don't pin your hopes on taking this offline. If you're so far away from each other that you haven't managed to meet once in the last year, it's not very realistic to assume something more is going to come of this. Given that he appears to be lying about  talking to others, you would be best to unplug and detach from him. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Let it go. This is someone that you've never met. You can't control who he talks to or what he does. It's just a long game of telephone. 

Make new real friends and see if there's an opportunity for a relationship with them. You can find good people, get a new hobby, go out with friends. It doesn't have to be a painful process unless you make it one by thinking you can solve something with him from so far away.

[Bananananana]

Thanks everyone, great advice and insight that helped me open my eyes and feel more grounded. I did (do?) feel very infatuated idk why I think it could be because we spent so much time talking and also he’s got such a hot English accent (lol).

you are right that we are nothing at this point and I got to keep my feelings in check…

he really encouraged me to ask him any question and seemed really open to answer when I was asking him about if he was talking to other ppl, that’s why i feel so fooled.

il’ be taking my distances to detach from him as much as it hurts my heart tbh

 

[Bananananana]

Update in case someone is curious…

after reading your answers I felt more relax and thought that if I lose him it’s fine. So I just went ahead and straight up asked him about the other girl. He said he was talking to her too because he was protecting himself cause he didn’t know how serious I actually was about this, and if I’m really true about who I am then he would only want me. So I was like well you can do what you want we are not married but just be honest, if you prefer to talk to multiple people it’s fine just tell me and I’ll do the same this way I’ll be less attached as well. I gave him time just said lmk whatever you wanna do it’s chill. Well he came around the same day saying he felt his heart sink when he thought he’d lose me and he actually wants to see this more seriously. That he was truly just scared of getting played. So we will see what happens but now at least we are on the same page about it, it seems. I told him I’m not stupid I know it could be much different irl but I do feel very attached and I just wanna try it. 

[d0nnivain]

Glad it seems to be working out.  This is an excellent example of how communication fixes things & clears up misunderstandings.  

[ExpatInItaly]

When do you plan on meeting in person? 

[Alpacalia]

So he's protecting himself by 1. messaging her romantically and 2. reassuring you that you're his only choice. You were describing the textbook definition of keeping options open. But whatever, you do you.

[basil67]

You talk about his hot English accent.   Do the two of you live near each other...or even in the same country?    If not, how feasible is this really?

Edited February 7, 2024 by basil67

[BaileyB]

On 2/6/2024 at 7:04 AM, Bananananana said:

I gave him time just said lmk whatever you wanna do it’s chill. Well he came around the same day saying he felt his heart sink when he thought he’d lose me and he actually wants to see this more seriously.

Have you confirmed a date? Do you live near each other? A year is an awfully long time to message with someone without meeting in real life…

[Wiseman2]

On 2/4/2024 at 5:59 AM, Bananananana said:

Met a guy in an online game, we exchanged discord accounts and have been messaging for about a year, first as friends, and past 2-3 months more romantically with daily messages and talks. Now also talking about meeting irl.

You've never met in person, so you're not dating,  not in a relationship no less exclusive. You're both free to talk to anyone you want online and in real life. It's ok for both of you to flirt a bit through the game, but you're both probably better off dating real people in real life in person. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

So he's protecting himself by 1. messaging her romantically

Yeah, this. 

OP, come on. He is free to talk to whoever he pleases, and however he pleases, but I caution you not to fall for this malarkey. 

[Bananananana]

Thanks for the honest opinions everyone, i appreciate.

To answer some of your questions

- we are both in our 20s

- we don’t have an official date to meet yet

- since our talk he has told me he wants to see it as something serious and really try it, he said word for word he wants to talk to only me not others, regularly saying he likes me a lot and said he hated the thought of hurting me.

- we did talk for about a year casually as gaming friends and it’s just a couple of months ago that he broke up with someone irl and then became more flirty with me. That’s why it changed from more friendly to more romantic, and we are more recently having those talks about meeting irl.

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, Bananananana said:

since our talk he has told me he wants to see it as something serious and really try it, he said word for word he wants to talk to only me not others, regularly saying he likes me a lot and said he hated the thought of hurting me.

Well then, he will put words to action. Immediately.

A man who is serious about dating you will make that happen. He will plan a date and he will not wait to do it. If he doesn’t do that - this week - he is all talk and you need to walk away… Words are easy to say. Without action, he is wasting your time.

Edited February 8, 2024 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

27 minutes ago, Bananananana said:

it’s just a couple of months ago that he broke up with someone irl

Be careful that you aren't a rebound.  It's common after a break up to fall for others fast before you've had a chance to get over the breakup, only to relapse and miss your ex and try to get back.  You need to be very careful because 2 months is not long at all.

[Bananananana]

Tysm everyone 

 

it’s hard to see clearly when emotions take over 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Bananananana said:

- since our talk he has told me he wants to see it as something serious and really try it, he said word for word he wants to talk to only me not others, regularly saying he likes me a lot and said he hated the thought of hurting me.

He can't possibly see it as something serious if you've never met. 

How do you even know if you would want to enter into a serious relationship with him? You can't know that, either. You don't know what he's like. You might be thinking you will be fine to make distance work, but it's all theory. You don't know how he handles a long distance relationship and you don't know how you handle it.

My advice would be to try to curtail your feelings towards this guy and, if you meet up, approach (and gauge) it as a "friends getting to know one another" first time meet-up.

In the same token, while I tend to view his earlier comments as horse-doo doo, on your behalf it is not fair to expect him to sever all ties with all others while you two haven't even met, let alone been dating for a bit. But it's also totally OK for you to step back emotionally so you don't get hurt.

Edited February 8, 2024 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

What does "something serious" even mean? 

[Bananananana]

Yea maybe it’s intense of me to ask to be only talking to each other. Personally when it’s at the point where we talk about our lifes in detail, exchange pictures and videos (non sexual, but flirty and cute), talk about intimate stuff… it’s just not something I can do with multiple ppl at once, I got to have feelings to get flirty .., but I’m probably not the majority.

 

i have never dated online before so could be why I’m confused 

[Alpacalia]

You need to be dialing it back though and not make yourself so vulnerable so quickly.

Anything could happen. I'd be extremely cautious here. I would also not continue this interaction if this kind of vulnerability can come back to haunt you. I think it's a trap door here.

Edited February 8, 2024 by Alpacalia

[smackie9]

he knows what you want to hear....that's all he's doing. More lying. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Bananananana said:

- we are both in our 20s

- we don’t have an official date to meet yet

Do you two even have the means to see this go the distance, given your relatively young ages and how far apart you are? Have you both got the finances and time needed to turn this into something more? 

It doesn't sound like very viable prospect. 

[Claustrophobic]

So I’m ready to get killed here but truth is I need help, so here goes:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have a dead bedroom. Almost a year ago I met someone while online gaming, we had lots of fun gaming as friends, and as time passed we started getting flirty. I was not taking this seriously at all even though I did have a small crush on that online guy, thought it couldn’t get anywhere irl, thought he was just bored and entertaining himself sending me cute msgs. As months passed we talked more and more and have been texting every day sharing all kinds of things about our lives. (Except the fact that I’m not single) Then recently I crossed the line cause I was so damn horny and I had I guess what I could call virtual sex with him? cringe ok I know, but wow it’s the first time in my life I felt so connected with someone sexually. Anyway after that I realized I had real feelings for him but still thought this is going nowhere, well turns out he also has strong feelings for me and he wants us to talk more often and possibly plan to meet. Now I feel extra guilty cause I cheated virtually on my boyfriend and I am lying to this guy who thinks I’m single. 
 

I don’t think anyone will want to help me but I’m still asking: 

is there any way I can tell this guy I lied and I have a boyfriend, without losing him? Cause the truth is I would leave my boyfriend for him. I’m really in love with him and I really want to see where that could go. I have never felt so good with someone.