Feel like I'm Destined to be Alone.

[Calmandfocused]

Hi loveshackers. Looking for some advice as I’m at the point when I’m thinking of giving up when it comes to dating.  I’d be interested to know if you’re of the same opinion. 

A little about me. I’m a mid 40s, divorced female. I look after myself physically (slim) , am told I’m  “attractive” frequently and I have 2 pre teen children. I have a high flying career, my own house, car etc and I’m independent. I have great family and friends and am generally happy. 

So why am I struggling finding a suitor? Well there’s many reasons. Let’s start with the reasons why men don’t want me: 

1) My children. I’ve been rejected a few times on the basis that they do not want my children. 
2) My career. Not only is my profession classified as “unsexy” my seniority is a huge turn off. Many have honestly and openly told me that my work and position emasculates them. 
 

Now my reasons: 

1) I do not find 95% of men in my age bracket attractive. At all. 

2) of the 5% that I may find attractive from their pictures , I reject most of the basis that they have something significant that turns me off (e.g financially unstable, an unhealthy addiction, cannot have a convo on the phone etc) 

3) The rare few that I do go on dates with I’m not attracted to them, as most do not look like their pics. 
4) Finally, on the extremely rare occasion I do find a bit of spark I then become aware that they are emotionally unavailable for one reason or another, or they have a significant issue that subsequently turns me off at this point. 
 

So the long and short of it is: I’ve come to the conclusion that the situation is hopeless for me. 
 

Not sure whether to keep trying or just to accept my fate. I’d appreciate your opinions. Thank you. 

Edited February 4, 2024 by Calmandfocused

[Weezy1973]

49 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Not sure whether to keep trying or just to accept my fate.

I’d accept your fate. Stop trying. If it happens naturally, great. If not, it seems like you have a pretty full life with a family and career you love. 

[smackie9]

Any guy that can't handle a woman that does a male dominated career is someone no woman should ever date anyways...they are narcissistic/male chauvinists. And there's plenty of single dads that would be happy to date someone and have a blended family with. My Niece is dating someone like that now. They both have boys under the age of 10, he's got two, she has one. They are happy as can be. She just turned 40, she's not fit by any means, but very outgoing and funny.

No you get off those dating apps. Most of those guys are just looking for hookups, someone they can easily manipulate/desperate. Meet men the old fashion way...through friends, through outings/travel, or hobbies/interests. Get active in your community, or with a charity, get friends involved, start meeting people.

Edited February 4, 2024 by smackie9

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Hi loveshackers. Looking for some advice as I’m at the point when I’m thinking of giving up when it comes to dating.  I’d be interested to know if you’re of the same opinion. 

A little about me. I’m a mid 40s, divorced female. I look after myself physically (slim) , am told I’m  “attractive” frequently and I have 2 pre teen children. I have a high flying career, my own house, car etc and I’m independent. I have great family and friends and am generally happy. 

So why am I struggling finding a suitor? Well there’s many reasons. Let’s start with the reasons why men don’t want me: 

1) My children. I’ve been rejected a few times on the basis that they do not want my children. 
2) My career. Not only is my profession classified as “unsexy” my seniority is a huge turn off. Many have honestly and openly told me that my work and position emasculates them. 
 

Now my reasons: 

1) I do not find 95% of men in my age bracket attractive. At all. 

2) of the 5% that I may find attractive from their pictures , I reject most of the basis that they have something significant that turns me off (e.g financially unstable, an unhealthy addiction, cannot have a convo on the phone etc) 

3) The rare few that I do go on dates with I’m not attracted to them, as most do not look like their pics. 
4) Finally, on the extremely rare occasion I do find a bit of spark I then become aware that they are emotionally unavailable for one reason or another, or they have a significant issue that subsequently turns me off at this point. 
 

So the long and short of it is: I’ve come to the conclusion that the situation is hopeless for me. 
 

Not sure whether to keep trying or just to accept my fate. I’d appreciate your opinions. Thank you. 

 

im a guy why might be in your target range….

 

your kids are pre-teen.  This can be a turn off on many guys if their kids are grown and adults or they didn’t have kids.  I dated a woman whose child was entering high school.  Her having a child didn’t bother me.
 

idont have an issue with your career. Financial success has a lot to do with what career you choose.

 

the issue is why do you have such a bad picker?  I’m willing to be you probably aren’t as “ hot” as you think the guy you are looking for must be.    The “ hot” guys you do see are not targeting someone at your age, but one younger than you.

 

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Any guy that can't handle a woman that does a male dominated career is someone no woman should ever date anyways...they are narcissistic/male chauvinists. And there's plenty of single dads that would be happy to date someone and have a blended family with. My Niece is dating someone like that now. They both have boys under the age of 10, he's got two, she has one. They are happy as can be. She just turned 40, she's not fit by any means, but very outgoing and funny.

No you get off those dating apps. Most of those guys are just looking for hookups, someone they can easily manipulate/desperate. Meet men the old fashion way...through friends, through outings/travel, or hobbies/interests. Get active in your community, or with a charity, get friends involved, start meeting people.

She’d probably have a great relationship with who had kids around her kids age.  The problem is…..they likely don’t fit her needs on being attractive enough for her.  She has likely passed over many solely based on pictures on an app.

[Alpacalia]

Well, if it's any consolation, you've been married and have what I surmise beautiful children from that relationship. Most of the challenges you are encountering are consistent with dating in your age bracket in this day and age and relative balancing act of responsibilities that permeate a lot of commitments. So I think it's a bit harder for both genders right now.

It sounds like you at least are fortunate to be comfortably situated financially. That should be a plus in ways for both parties to not feel as financially constrained to feel compelled to try harder to make things work if it's worth it and comfortable to do so while trying to navigate whatever issues arise. It might not apply - exactly that is...but perhaps an oversimplification could offer a less sour view of your situation (assuming it's something you cling to) by turning the tables on "rejected by mid forty males for single pre-teen child" or whatnot in essence for men by "single females inside the same age bracket with children" :/.

Also account for the impact on men that are single parents who have an active part in custody to positively impact the commitment between the two parents to raise their children as best they can but sometimes that's like rowing in a high impact site with both hands and feet tied other than maybe the odd saliently directed moments in the tenderness of sleep.

I know, it doesn't sound at all sexy but if you look at things a bit differently I hope it makes sense to you a bit differently than how you've assessed the potential smorgasbord of dateable men.

[Maldives]

9 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Hi loveshackers. Looking for some advice as I’m at the point when I’m thinking of giving up when it comes to dating.  I’d be interested to know if you’re of the same opinion. 

A little about me. I’m a mid 40s, divorced female. I look after myself physically (slim) , am told I’m  “attractive” frequently and I have 2 pre teen children. I have a high flying career, my own house, car etc and I’m independent. I have great family and friends and am generally happy. 

So why am I struggling finding a suitor? Well there’s many reasons. Let’s start with the reasons why men don’t want me: 

1) My children. I’ve been rejected a few times on the basis that they do not want my children. 
2) My career. Not only is my profession classified as “unsexy” my seniority is a huge turn off. Many have honestly and openly told me that my work and position emasculates them. 
 

Now my reasons: 

1) I do not find 95% of men in my age bracket attractive. At all. 

2) of the 5% that I may find attractive from their pictures , I reject most of the basis that they have something significant that turns me off (e.g financially unstable, an unhealthy addiction, cannot have a convo on the phone etc) 

3) The rare few that I do go on dates with I’m not attracted to them, as most do not look like their pics. 
4) Finally, on the extremely rare occasion I do find a bit of spark I then become aware that they are emotionally unavailable for one reason or another, or they have a significant issue that subsequently turns me off at this point. 
 

So the long and short of it is: I’ve come to the conclusion that the situation is hopeless for me. 
 

Not sure whether to keep trying or just to accept my fate. I’d appreciate your opinions. Thank you. 

Yep welcome to online dating. I think most of us struggle with these platforms. I'm pretty sure they are designed In such a way to keep us searching endlessly, even the paid sites which are somewhat better that you don't get as many scammers but the issues are still the same finding someone you are attracted to that mutually feels the same and that there is a connection some common ground. I've come to the conclusion they are just a big waste of time.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Please take a break from dating for a while you seem burned out. Don't throw in the towel and resign yourself to being a spinster. Now is just a good time.. 

[ZA Dater]

10 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Hi loveshackers. Looking for some advice as I’m at the point when I’m thinking of giving up when it comes to dating.  I’d be interested to know if you’re of the same opinion. 

A little about me. I’m a mid 40s, divorced female. I look after myself physically (slim) , am told I’m  “attractive” frequently and I have 2 pre teen children. I have a high flying career, my own house, car etc and I’m independent. I have great family and friends and am generally happy. 

So why am I struggling finding a suitor? Well there’s many reasons. Let’s start with the reasons why men don’t want me: 

1) My children. I’ve been rejected a few times on the basis that they do not want my children. 
2) My career. Not only is my profession classified as “unsexy” my seniority is a huge turn off. Many have honestly and openly told me that my work and position emasculates them. 
 

Now my reasons: 

1) I do not find 95% of men in my age bracket attractive. At all. 

2) of the 5% that I may find attractive from their pictures , I reject most of the basis that they have something significant that turns me off (e.g financially unstable, an unhealthy addiction, cannot have a convo on the phone etc) 

3) The rare few that I do go on dates with I’m not attracted to them, as most do not look like their pics. 
4) Finally, on the extremely rare occasion I do find a bit of spark I then become aware that they are emotionally unavailable for one reason or another, or they have a significant issue that subsequently turns me off at this point. 
 

So the long and short of it is: I’ve come to the conclusion that the situation is hopeless for me. 
 

Not sure whether to keep trying or just to accept my fate. I’d appreciate your opinions. Thank you. 

Well, I think you need to value yourself and I agree with the approach you have taken. My advice is to not let dating consume you, frankly from what you describe I think many guys would be very luck to date you.

The situation is not hopeless!

[Calmandfocused]

Thanks for everyone’s replies so far. 
 

I admit that I am picky which is both a blessing and a curse. It means that I eliminate quickly those who are wrong for me, but at the same time it’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack. 
 

Im not looking for anyone super hot. I actually wouldn’t want that. The guys who I generally date would be classified as “pleasant looking”. 
 

And yes of course I’m not as gorgeous as I was in my 20s but I make the best of what I have and always present myself well. 
 

So it seems like everyone is saying “off the apps”. I was off the apps for 2 years and I was asked for 1 date in all that time. However I accept it’s probably because I don’t get myself “out there” enough. 

[d0nnivain]

The situation is not hopeless.  However the medium you are using to meet people is wrong.  The apps are demoralizing.  You do have to put yourself out there.  It's like job hunting.  You have to put in theeffort & do the leg work.    As a highly successful adult woman you are not going to find your equal on a dating app.  The guy you want has too many options & is too busy living life to stare at a phone & swipe all day.  

You need to look around IRL to see who is on your level.  Check out who is at the chamber of commerce meeting; who is in the elevator in your office building; who is attending the industry meet & greet / convention; who is the single dad at your kids' sporting events etc.   The guy you want is out there but he's not on line.  

Do something for yourself.  Take a class.  Go to a meet up that interests you.  Volunteer somewhere doing something you care about.  Get involved in the community & you will find a like minded guy who floats your boat & meeting your standards  

Edited February 5, 2024 by d0nnivain

[Gaeta]

Hey girl ! It's not gonna work until it does! I am in my late 50s, I got a good 'bossy' position, good earning, I still have a kid at home (19 yo student) and can't stand insecure men! If a man can't handle that I got my own thing going then too bad for him !  I have always believed I am a *price* not because of the way I look but because I got my life on track, I am loving, caring, loyal and I have integrity.

If you don't believe in something it will not happen to you!! I have always believed I would meet my someone EVEN after 200 failed first dates EVEN if I carry an non-curable std and I have to announce it to each of them - so IF I CAN meet a wonderful man - YOU can !!  I met a wonderful man 1.5  years ago, he is beyond everything I was hoping for.

Start believing girl !

[mark clemson]

People who genuinely want to be in relationships find ways to quickly form and stay in them. That's not always super-healthy, but they tend to do it.

People who are looking for reasons to NOT be in a relationship can always find them.

Often, "destiny" is in large part simply what you make of it.

Edited February 5, 2024 by mark clemson

[Calmandfocused]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Hey girl ! It's not gonna work until it does! I am in my late 50s, I got a good 'bossy' position, good earning, I still have a kid at home (19 yo student) and can't stand insecure men! If a man can't handle that I got my own thing going then too bad for him !  I have always believed I am a *price* not because of the way I look but because I got my life on track, I am loving, caring, loyal and I have integrity.

If you don't believe in something it will not happen to you!! I have always believed I would meet my someone EVEN after 200 failed first dates EVEN if I carry an non-curable std and I have to announce it to each of them - so IF I CAN meet a wonderful man - YOU can !!  I met a wonderful man 1.5  years ago, he is beyond everything I was hoping for.

Start believing girl !

Gaeta you have the patience of a saint! 
 

I’d rather stick a needle in my eyeball than go on 200 dates with 200 different guys.
 

Not only that but the amount of calls/ texts that you must have endured, and the repetitive conversations 😩. 
 

Please tell: how on earth did you manage to cope dating that lot? !!!

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Please tell: how on earth did you manage to cope dating that lot? !!!

I made it simple & did not take it so serious. No long texting and meeting asap. Often I would setup a coffee right after work while I was still downtown or it would be on a weekend but my first meetings were always just a coffee or a walk. I did not waste time on dinners with a strangers. I did not waste time chatting, I would jump to a phone conversation sometimes on 1-2 day of contact and setup a meeting. 

When I met my ex he was my 200th coffee over 3 years. That was my first experience with online dating so I made a LOT of beginners mistake.  When I met my current boyfriend he was my 75th coffee over 1 year. 

My dating life was the subject of conversations of my entire family lol. Every week at Sunday dinner someone would ask a dating story. I always made it a funny story. I could have given them the negative desperate version of the guy that stinks and didn't pay my coffee but I chose to gave them the funny story of the guy that stinks and didn't pay. 

I also think what made it easier is I had a busy life through this, I am surrounded by friends & family, children so my happiness did not depend on meeting a man. 

Edited February 5, 2024 by Gaeta

[Calmandfocused]

I’m impressed that you’ve managed to keep count @Gaeta.

I’ve dated much less then. As a rough guess I’d say about 11-12 over the past 6 months. 
 

Yes of course I’ve had fun. I’ve enjoyed the dates and meeting new people even if there was no romantic interest. 
 

The thing I hate the most is the “I don’t think we had a connection” speech after meeting them. I don’t like rejecting/ disappointing people, as much as I don’t like it being done to me. It’s horrible, and this would never happen, had I met them IRL in the first place! 
 

Perhaps the answer is as simple as: online dating is not for me! 

[Gaeta]

30 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

It’s horrible, and this would never happen, had I met them IRL in the first place! 

Why would it not happen?

I have met men IRL and after 2-3 times seeing them I had to tell them it was not going to work even if I had felt a connection at first. Remember a connection is only hormones talking.  I remember this one guy that I met at  my local park while walking my dog, I was so excited I had met this handsome man IRL, on our 2nd meeting he told me he had a 6 yo boy he had never met and when I asked why he had no real reasons....I was not going to date a dead-beat father. I ended up cancelling our 3rd date. 

[d0nnivain]

46 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

The thing I hate the most is the “I don’t think we had a connection” speech after meeting them. I don’t like rejecting/ disappointing people, as much as I don’t like it being done to me. It’s horrible, and this would never happen, had I met them IRL in the first place! 
 

Perhaps the answer is as simple as: online dating is not for me! 

That is the answer. OLD is not for you.  I hated it.  I only did it for 90 days & it sucked.  Never again.  

Sometimes finding out what you don't want & what doesn't work for you is part of the process of getting toward what you do want.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Hmmmm ... you find 95 percent of men in your age bracket to be unattractive. That can be a trap of an online dating where you just look at photos and you judge people completely out of context.

Sounds like you need to get out into the world to meet people. And for online dating, I recommend people go out with people whose profiles look interesting even if they don't look particularly attractive. Seems to me you're missing the truth that someone's personality and energy and voice and smarts--those all add to a person's attractiveness. And you really can't judge that from online photos.

I recently had an interaction with a business professional who works in an office I do business with. I'd seen the woman's photo before in the office and online. I wasn't checking her out, but her photo didn't do anything for me. Well the usual professionals I meet with were occupied that day, might have been illness. And so I worked with this woman I had only seen in photos.

Her personality was amazing and in person she was far more attractive than I judged from her photos. I was stunned. I left there feeling (playfully) in love. Now she's got a family and I'm keeping dating out of my interactions with this business. But the lesson was clear. I came back home, looked at her photos again. And it hit me as it has many times: You really can't judge people's attractiveness by their photos.

You might want to pause and just get into your life, building that. Also, I'm wondering if you're maintaining some kind of distance in people you interact with, because so often we come to really like people after we spend time with them. And once we see their gifts and strengths in action, it's easy for some kind of attraction to begin.

I can think of example after example of women whose photos just didn't reveal how 360 beautiful they were. 

 

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Agree with LGO.

Online dating is fine but you need to get out in the real world as well. Join a club, volunteer, happy places.

I belong to hiking groups, women's groups, etc., well, I've done that all my life not with the sole intention to meet someone new but usually make connections. It's not easy but I work on staying positive, smiling, and being kind to others and also putting myself in situations where I meet people.

I tend to think when we only find a small percentage of people attractive, we are not focusing on the right things. Personality is more important. Someone can be as pretty as a picture but their personality is the pits and vice-versa someone not so physically attractive but they are charismatic and their personality is engaging-they tend to become more physically attractive to us.

To me that's much more valuable.

Sounds like you're having some conflicting thoughts and beliefs around relationships, attractiveness, and online dating.

I still like a good looking man, but attractiveness is a combination of many things, not one thing over all the others.  Despite everyone having their own individual preferences and types of people, it's really the included of all the different things that make a person attractive or not, not one thing exclusively.

I met a long term boyfriend on a bowling league, another couple through friends and the rest just going about my life.

Another idea is to simply widen your demographic. Date a little younger, a bit older. Date guys from different professions, get out of your own neighborhood for meetings.

Also there's no handbook saying you have to date today, be seriously engaged in two years and married by 35.

It's totally okay to focus on your own personal growth and development and let relationships naturally come into your life without placing any specific timeline or pressure on them.

[Calmandfocused]

Agree that pictures are not the most effective way of judging someone’s attractiveness. Some attractive people take a terrible picture and vice versa. 
 

But you’re right. A picture cannot give you someone’s vibe. It can’t depict idiosyncrasies that make a person unique, quirky and attractive. These are the sort of things you notice when you meet someone in real life and not through a picture. 
 

I always ask myself 2 questions when I’m on a date with a man: “can I see myself kissing this person?” and “ could I see myself having sex with this person?”. 
 

The answer is usually “No” and “No thank you”. Not because these men are disgusting. They’re nice guys. I’m just not sexually attracted to them ☹️. 

[Alpacalia]

Just keep going on dates, you'll be just fine.

[Ami1uwant]

14 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Thanks for everyone’s replies so far. 
 

I admit that I am picky which is both a blessing and a curse. It means that I eliminate quickly those who are wrong for me, but at the same time it’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack. 
 

Im not looking for anyone super hot. I actually wouldn’t want that. The guys who I generally date would be classified as “pleasant looking”. 
 

And yes of course I’m not as gorgeous as I was in my 20s but I make the best of what I have and always present myself well. 
 

So it seems like everyone is saying “off the apps”. I was off the apps for 2 years and I was asked for 1 date in all that time. However I accept it’s probably because I don’t get myself “out there” enough. 

 

are you trying to meet people in real life?  What do you do to meet people?  

—Through work connections? Professional organizations/ conferences you attend/ networking?

— through friends or your kids activities/ school stuff?

— through social groups( volunteering, causes, hobbies, arts communities,  interests),  church?

— taking classes? Learning new skills? Attending talks? Book clubs?

— random meeting?

 

how did you meet your exs?

 

are you using dating apps?  What does it take to get to communicating with them?  You should not pas over someone based on a picture.

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

49 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Agree that pictures are not the most effective way of judging someone’s attractiveness. Some attractive people take a terrible picture and vice versa. 
 

But you’re right. A picture cannot give you someone’s vibe. It can’t depict idiosyncrasies that make a person unique, quirky and attractive. These are the sort of things you notice when you meet someone in real life and not through a picture. 
 

I always ask myself 2 questions when I’m on a date with a man: “can I see myself kissing this person?” and “ could I see myself having sex with this person?”. 
 

The answer is usually “No” and “No thank you”. Not because these men are disgusting. They’re nice guys. I’m just not sexually attracted to them ☹️. 

You shouldn’t think of those questions on thr first time meeting them.  You should wait to e en think those things.

 

meeting in real life you got sone interaction with them at some time before the thought of dating probably even occurred.  In a dating app you are appearing to put that first.

[Foxhall]

On 2/4/2024 at 9:05 PM, Calmandfocused said:

Not sure whether to keep trying or just to accept my fate

I find those rather simple three words "accept my fate" - I find them profoundly striking,

the best way I can answer a lot of these questions is to relate them to personal experience,

It is probably different for a woman-funnily enough I think it is easier for a woman to be single than a man particularly from the age of 40 plus,

Personally Ive had a few hard luck stories in relationships but Im not ready to accept my fate as a single bachelor or whatever- I think I can still function better by being in a relationship and can still offer a lot to a potential partner,

I suppose remaining or settling as single can be an acceptable choice but I would not choose it out of feelings of resignation- 

keeping the dream and striving for a full life is still feasible.