Trouble Trusting after Toxic marriage

[Afrayedtoluv]

Background: Married for 15 years and husband abused me and left me with trauma: I have been involved with this guy for year and he and I have gotten so close, I share everything with him. I can open up to him about anything. I do so many things for him without question but every time he tries to show me his appreciation and adoration for me I question why. Everytime he encourages me about ways, together we can work on ourselves (he has was also in a toxic relationship) to heal our minds, bodies, souls, education goals, life goals ect. Talks about things we can have in our future I question why. I question his motives, why he wants to help me heal, why I'm so important to him. It leaves him hurt and frustrated. He even becomes angry asks why I always assume he's out to get me or hurt me. Why cant I accept and appreciate he just wants to care for me like I care for him. I tell him in words how I feel about him but he doesnt express his feelings in words as intensely as I do. When I question his motives he gets angry and pulls away. What do I do?

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Afrayedtoluv said:

I have been involved with this guy for year  every time he tries to show me his appreciation and adoration for me I question why. 

Sorry this is happening. It's seems like you could benefit from a licensed qualified therapist to unpack and sort out your past and for ongoing support. 

Please consider it rather than sabotaging yourself and relationships with self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. 

[basil67]

I imagine this is very frustrating for you both.  

For starters, stop and think before you speak.  When a thought appears in our head, we don't have to express it.  Of course, that doesn't mean you should ignore that thought, but you should explore your worries with your therapist rather than putting those harmful thoughts on your partner.

On his end, I do understand his frustration with you and your words would be very hurtful.  But if he's repeatedly becoming angry at you for saying these, then it's a sign that this relationship is yet another toxic one.  It's a sign that he doesn't possess the boundaries which he needs in a relationship.   A much better approach on his part would be for him to tell you how much it hurts him, and then if you continued, he should leave the relationship.   Ending a relationship is always a better choice than repeatedly becoming angry at someone for their behaviour.   And if you can't stop saying these things to him, then you should end the relationship and focus on your healing alone.  

I'm also concerned about him making plans for the two of you to work on healing.  Healing is your own journey.  It should be initiated by you and done independently of him.  If you haven't already done so, get your own therapist and focus on yourself.  And have him focus on his self.  

And if you can't figure this out between you and stop your accusations and his anger, end the relationship

 

Edited February 4 by basil67

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Afrayedtoluv said:

I tell him in words how I feel about him but he doesnt express his feelings in words as intensely as I do. When I question his motives he gets angry and pulls away. What do I do?

Stop questioning his motives?

[d0nnivain]

You change your self talk.  When you ask yourself why is he doing this?  The answer is:  because he's not my abusive EX; he's a kind person who is doing this out of the goodness of his heart because he cares about me.  Repeat that to yourself as often as need until you believe it. 

Do not fight with him about what he does.  Just say thank you & move on.  

[MsJayne]

You need to stop projecting your trauma on to him. He’s not your ex, so stop acting like he is. Maybe go see a counsellor and get the garbage out of your system instead of dumping it on undeserving people.