Boyfriend tells me he needs space, what should I do? What does he mean by space? No-contact?

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, Aaiel said:

I haven't been completely honest with him because I worry if I'll be needy and demanding to him. 

You're already coming off needy and demanding of him.  That is why he's asking for space.  He already know you want more of his time but is too busy or unwilling to give it to you.  It sounds like his feelings don't match yours.  Do you also have a busy life?  He may want that from his woman.

[Aaiel]

48 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It's over the top to me because I don't like texting.  You text your BF more in 1 day then I text everyone in my contact list in a week.  That's me.  You don't have to be me.  You get to be you.  

Texting is the world's worst form of communication.  It misses all the non-verbal cues: tone, inflection, facial expression, eye contact etc.    When you use it to form the foundation of a relationship you don't have a relationship.  Relationships are built on personal real world interactions.  You can't judge a relationship based on the # of texts.  All that matters is how you are together in the real world.  If you are not getting enough in person time with him because he cries about being too busy, that is him blowing you off.   

When I met the man who is now my husband I had a full time job running the company I just launched; I was teaching PT at 2 colleges; I served on 2 boards of trustees; I was the State President of a service organization and was the caregiver to my elderly parents.  I still made time to date my now husband. It wasn't easy.  I needed a lot of advanced notice for dates & he had to compromise & spend more time with my parents then either of us would have liked early on in the relationship but my point is I made him a priority.  I don't see your guy doing that for you.  It's a problem & it's triggering your anxiety, which causes you to reach out more, which pushes him farther away. 

Nobody is advocating NC at this point but you see our advice for you to let him initiate as you going NC.  You are mis-understanding the phrase as it's used, how it's implemented & it's purpose.  It is not to manipulate somebody to miss you & then come running.  That rarely works.  We are telling to step back.  Stop with the morning selfies.  Do nothing. Don't call him. Don't text him.  Don't DM him.  Just live your life & see if he reaches out. The fastest way to catch a man is to let him chase you.  When you keep running after him, he runs away.  He has told you to back off, so do that.  

You say you love him & you can make this work.  How?  I don't see him meeting or caring about your needs.  I see you getting more & more upset.  You aren't being fulfilled in this.  Why do you want to fight so hard to keep something that doesn't appear to be working for you?  

Sorry, what's NC? 

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, Aaiel said:

I got worried about him and anxious that he was sick

Why would you worry that he'd be sick? and if you are 1 hour away how could you help him even if he had a small cold/flu? He's a 25 year old man I am sure he can take care of himself if he gets up feeling sick. That is just an excuse your brain comes up with to get in touch with him. 

Men are natural protectors, providers, problem solvers. When you nag him with phone calls because you think he's sick - He perceives it as YOU don't think he's man enough (strong enough) to handle feeling sick on his own. You are not his mother, you do not need to check up if he's sick. If he is sick and he needs your loving support he will call you and tell you he's sick, THEN you can baby him. 

10 hours ago, Aaiel said:

And then like 7 hours later I asked him if he loves me

You don't do that type of stuff in a relationship. You don't ask your boyfriend if he loves you - YOU tell him that you love him. He will then reply that he loves you too, or he won't. 

10 hours ago, Aaiel said:

but there is already space between us, I feel like. I don't see him a lot

If you feel there is always space between you 2 then it's true. It means you are not with the right man, and not the right relationship. It means you are not made for a relationship that does not have a lot of face-time and it's exactly what triggers these bouts of anxiety you're experiencing. You have to respect yourself, if you cannot deal with a part-time relationship then don't be in one. 

10 hours ago, Aaiel said:

I always want to support him and be the best girlfriend I can for him

Very often, supporting a man, means leaving him alone. Men are not wired like us women, we women can blahblahblah about every detail of our day, men are not like that. They process things much more internally than we do. During work hours he does NOT need your loving support. Keep that for evenings and weekends. 

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

Sorry, what's NC? 

NC= No Contact

[Alpacalia]

I was sick too. He contacted me several times a day. I could barely talk at that point.🤒But I loved that he showed his concern and checked in on me. At the same time, I needed rest and sleep, lol.

If you do want to show your care and support, you can offer to bring him some soup or medicine, or simply send a message wishing him well.

It's sweet that you're concerned about his health but I am not sure unless he explicitly said he was not feeling well you need not to be worried about something that hasn't even happened/happening. 

[Aaiel]

10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I was sick too. He contacted me several times a day. I could barely talk at that point.🤒But I loved that he showed his concern and checked in on me. At the same time, I needed rest and sleep, lol.

If you do want to show your care and support, you can offer to bring him some soup or medicine, or simply send a message wishing him well.

It's sweet that you're concerned about his health but I am not sure unless he explicitly said he was not feeling well you need not to be worried about something that hasn't even 

Yeah when he was sick, I did that. I offered to bring him soup and medicine. But this time, he wasn't sick. Just really busy and very stressed. I let my anxiety get the best of me and I feel terrible about that, I hoped I've done it differently.

 I've been so pestering to ask to call him, cheer him up, and talk to him, but that day, he probably had it really rough. And an accumulation of me asking how he is and to call was too much for him. 

[ShyViolet]

I'm really wondering how often you actually see each other in pesron.  How many times have you actually spent time together in person since the relationship started?

Secondly, your communication style is pushing him away becuase it sounds like it is seriously annoying to him.  Calling someone four times when they don't answer a text?  Are you serious?  You really need to get a grip on your anxiety and clinginess because it's a huge turn-off to most people.  No wonder he has asked for space.  I don't think his asking for space means he wants to go completely no-contact.  He just wants you to be less clingy and stop bombarding him with texts and phone calls.  Why don't you ask him exactly how often he wants to text and have phone calls.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Aaiel said:

Yeah when he was sick, I did that. I offered to bring him soup and medicine. But this time, he wasn't sick. Just really busy and very stressed. I let my anxiety get the best of me and I feel terrible about that, I hoped I've done it differently.

 I've been so pestering to ask to call him, cheer him up, and talk to him, but that day, he probably had it really rough. And an accumulation of me asking how he is and to call was too much for him. 

Why did you feel he was sick though. I guess that's the part I am not quite understanding here. If you knew he had an interview and he said or did nothing to indicate he was ill, it seems to indicate you had some kind of anxiety or suspicion that butted in. Please don't get me wrong, I'm glad you love and care for him a lot - but sometimes it's just a checking your thinking? Because if you are feeling anxious about simply not hearing from him after a long day with nothing else the matter, does seem a bit much.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Aaiel said:

I know we can make this work. I'm sure of it. It hurts me so much not knowing where I stand. It hurts a lot,

Kindly, making this work involves change on both ends.  And if he doesn't care to change, then it can't work.

6 hours ago, Aaiel said:

and I feel so terrible for bothering him. 

And again, the reason you bothered him so much is because he is so physically and emotionally distant from you.  Honestly, if he wanted a reasonable amount of contact with you, he'd already be doing it.  He knows he's a terrible boyfriend and hasn't done anything about it. 

I also want to know how often you see each other: 1 1/4 hours isn't that long for a couple who want to spend time together.  Heck, I could drive that amount of time and still be in my own city!   Do you both have cars?  Or is public transport an option?  Do you spend the weekends together?   

 

[Aaiel]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Kindly, making this work involves change on both ends.  And if he doesn't care to change, then it can't work.

And again, the reason you bothered him so much is because he is so physically and emotionally distant from you.  Honestly, if he wanted a reasonable amount of contact with you, he'd already be doing it.  He knows he's a terrible boyfriend and hasn't done anything about it. 

I also want to know how often you see each other: 1 1/4 hours isn't that long for a couple who want to spend time together.  Heck, I could drive that amount of time and still be in my own city!   Do you both have cars?  Or is public transport an option?  Do you spend the weekends together?   

 

Yes we both have cars and can drive. Whenever we have plans to meet, I also have limitations, I live with my parents and I can't spend the night with him, my dad is strict on that. He knows that and understands. And he also has limitations whwre it's constant last minute meetings with clients so I can't really go see him or call. 

He suggested we meet halfway to me, but haven't really found time for us to meet because of last minute plans at work including traveling.

I was out of the country for all of December and a lot of things piled up for him in November and I haven't seen him since late October. He also took on new projects ever since and this new job he's in is hectic. Also something happened with his family business so he has to fix that too. 

Edited February 5 by Aaiel

[basil67]

Oh hon, you live only an hour away from each other and haven't seen each other in three months?   Heck, with the lack of communcation, you're not even pen pals

Obviously you weren't available for meeting in December, but for the whole of November and January, he's put his work in front of you.  Tell me, does he make time to socialise with friends or work colleagues?  

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Aaiel said:

. And he also has limitations whwre it's constant last minute meetings with clients so I can't really go see him or call. 

I'm sorry, l do not beleive that. Nobody works 7 days a week and 24 hours a day. Your boyfriend is hiding something from you. No wonder you are begging for his attention. Listen, this is not a relationship. You are only 1 hour away and he found no time since December to see you!?! This is ridiculous. It's time for you to breakup and free yourself from this torture. 

Go find yourself a nice local young man that will take you out, a young man that will treat you and date you properly, someone you will spend real time with!!

You are way too young to endure this b.s. 

[Aaiel]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Oh hon, you live only an hour away from each other and haven't seen each other in three months?   Heck, with the lack of communcation, you're not even pen pals

Obviously you weren't available for meeting in December, but for the whole of November and January, he's put his work in front of you.  Tell me, does he make time to socialise with friends or work colleagues?  

No, he doesn't. Just work, his friends invite him but he's a homebody

Yes, work is wife...

[ShyViolet]

You have only been dating for five months but you haven't even seen him in three and a half months?  I'm still waiting for you to share with us how many times have you actually hung out with him in person.  Is it less than five times?  

It's time for you to wake up.  You are really kidding yourself and clinging to a fantasy here.  This is not a real relationship.  This guy is too busy to see you or spend time with you, and you haven't even seen him in three and a half months.  That is not a boyfriend.  You are desperately trying to hold onto him and keep him in your life by texting and calling him, which is not going to work.  Texting and calling is not a relationship.  This guy is not able to give you what you want and it doesn't even sound like he's trying to change that.

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

No, he doesn't. Just work, his friends invite him but he's a homebody

Yes, work is wife...

He’s showing you exactly who he is, but you’re refusing to believe it    He’s not going to change, and if you stay with him, you’ll remain miserable and anxious.  

 

 

[Aaiel]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

He’s showing you exactly who he is, but you’re refusing to believe it    He’s not going to change, and if you stay with him, you’ll remain miserable and anxious.  

 

 

Okay...but if we communicate our boundaries and feelings honestly we'll work together to change that, I know he can change. 

[Aaiel]

25 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You have only been dating for five months but you haven't even seen him in three and a half months?  I'm still waiting for you to share with us how many times have you actually hung out with him in person.  Is it less than five times?  

It's time for you to wake up.  You are really kidding yourself and clinging to a fantasy here.  This is not a real relationship.  This guy is too busy to see you or spend time with you, and you haven't even seen him in three and a half months.  That is not a boyfriend.  You are desperately trying to hold onto him and keep him in your life by texting and calling him, which is not going to work.  Texting and calling is not a relationship.  This guy is not able to give you what you want and it doesn't even sound like he's trying to change that.

Yes, 5 times. 

What I don't get why make me his gf if he's so busy...

Edited February 6 by Aaiel

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

Okay...but if we communicate our boundaries and feelings honestly we'll work together to change that, I know he can change. 

You don’t need to tell him your feelings because he already knows he’s a crap boyfriend. He’s told you multiple times!  And yet he does nothing to change. 

Edited February 6 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

Yes, 5 times. 

What I don't get why make me his gf if he's so busy...

It sounds like you both have a lot on your plates. In his defense, you weren't available in December, but in your defense, he wasn't available for two months.

You also can't have 100% contact all day every day while he's at work, that's nuts. Essentially you're only seeing each other once a month if that and that's how it'll be for the foreseeable future. No wonder you're feeling anxious.

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, Aaiel said:

I haven't seen him since late October. He also took on new projects ever since and this new job he's in is hectic. Also something happened with his family business so he has to fix that too. 

BS.  You haven't seen your BF in 3.5 months & he's asking for space.  Just no.  He has all  the time & space in the world.   You two need to be closer, not more distant

8 hours ago, Aaiel said:

Okay...but if we communicate our boundaries and feelings honestly we'll work together to change that, I know he can change. 

He doesn't want to change.  You need to wake up to the fact that you are not important enough for him to make the effort.  

8 hours ago, Aaiel said:

Yes, 5 times. 

What I don't get why make me his gf if he's so busy...

If you have only seen him 5 times since you started dating & haven't seen him since October, this is not a relationship.  It's nothing.  It's a fantasy.  It's you debasing yourself chasing him while he ignores you.  This is not a man who cares about you in the slightest.  Stop wasting more of your time & begging him to pay attention to you.  He doesn't want to.  

I'm sorry to be so blunt but you are living in some sort of fantasy land refusing to see the truth.  The faster you dump his worthless butt the sooner you can find a quality BF who actually wants to spend time with you.  

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, Aaiel said:

we'll work together to change that, I know he can change. 

The first 6 months of a relationship are called the honeymoon phase. This is when a man would move mountains to see his new girlfriend, he will drive hours to spend just moments with her, he will call her, videocall, make plans. People are showing their best side during the first 6 months. Your boyfriend makes no efforts to see you and you've been dating a 4 months!!, no efforts to communicate with you, he does not make plans ahead of time, he finds you annoying when you try to talk to him so NO, there is nothing for you to save here, what you see is your boyfriend at his best! Imagine how worse he can get!

You are 20 years old, why do you hang on to a man that treats you badly? Is he your first boyfriend? this is not how a good boyfriend treats his girlfriend. And NO, you cannot make him change. 

Edited February 6 by Gaeta

[stillafool]

I'm sorry but I have to agree that what you have is not a relationship.  You haven't seen him in 3 months and he's asking for space.  Think about that.  He should be champing at the bit to see you and talk to you by now.  He could suggest you drive to see him early Saturday morning or something so you can spend time together before one of his many jobs.  He's full of it.  I wouldn't be surprised if he were seeing another girl.  Don't put yourself on hold for this man or any man.  You are only 20 and right now the world is your oyster.

Edited February 6 by stillafool

[Aaiel]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

BS.  You haven't seen your BF in 3.5 months & he's asking for space.  Just no.  He has all  the time & space in the world.   You two need to be closer, not more distant

He doesn't want to change.  You need to wake up to the fact that you are not important enough for him to make the effort.  

If you have only seen him 5 times since you started dating & haven't seen him since October, this is not a relationship.  It's nothing.  It's a fantasy.  It's you debasing yourself chasing him while he ignores you.  This is not a man who cares about you in the slightest.  Stop wasting more of your time & begging him to pay attention to you.  He doesn't want to.  

I'm sorry to be so blunt but you are living in some sort of fantasy land refusing to see the truth.  The faster you dump his worthless butt the sooner you can find a quality BF who actually wants to spend time with you.  

Okay, well thank you for the honesty but I'm still going to talk with him about everything and if he doesn't want talk to me, I'll break it off....

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Aaiel said:

I also have limitations, I live with my parents and I can't spend the night with him, my dad is strict on that.

Well what does your parents think about you having a boyfriend that you never see or ever comes over to the house?

[Aaiel]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Well what does your parents think about you having a boyfriend that you never see or ever comes over to the house?

They don't know. My siblings know. I would only tell them if we spend more time together. ..but we don't.