Boyfriend tells me he needs space, what should I do? What does he mean by space? No-contact?

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

They don't know. My siblings know. I would only tell them if we spend more time together. ..but we don't. 

Are you allowed to have a boyfriend?

[Gaeta]

32 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

 but I'm still going to talk with him about everything and if he doesn't want talk to me, I'll break it off....

How many times have you already talked to him about this?

[Aaiel]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How many times have you already talked to him 

I never was completely honest with him about I truly felt about feeling unimportant and him not making much effort. I haven't yet...since I'm giving him space. I'm thinking on texting him how he doing first tomorrow just to see if he's okay and if so I'll ask to if we can talk. 

Edited February 6 by Aaiel

[Gaeta]

25 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

I'm thinking on texting him how he doing first tomorrow just to see if he's okay and if so I'll ask to if we can talk. 

no no no, he asked for space, give it to him. 

Don't you want to know what's deep in his heart? if he doesn't contact you himself by tomorrow then you are not important to him - and you cannot force him to treat you like an important person. You said you're always the one texting him first,  you feel a distance between you 2. If it was not for you texting him first he would probably not talk to you for days. You judge a person by their actions not their words. He can say whatever he wants - his actions (lack of actions) are saying you are not important to him. 

[Gaeta]

@Aaiel: When you date a man, you should expect him to give you a reasonable amount of time, you should expect him to make effort to see you often, you should expect him to treat you with kindness, you should feel his love, feel that you are important to him. If someone  you date does NOT make you feel this way then you stop dating him and you find someone that will date you the right way. 

I have a daughter your age. I can tell you ahead of time your parents will not like this guy because he does not treat their daughter with respect. Do you have a sister? Would you like a man treats your sister like this? Always alone, never a visit, never a date, and her always begging him for a little bit of communication? Of course not! So if your mom or your sister deserve to be treated right, why don't you deserve it too? 

[Aaiel]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@Aaiel: When you date a man, you should expect him to give you a reasonable amount of time, you should expect him to make effort to see you often, you should expect him to treat you with kindness, you should feel his love, feel that you are important to him. If someone  you date does NOT make you feel this way then you stop dating him and you find someone that will date you the right way. 

I have a daughter your age. I can tell you ahead of time your parents will not like this guy because he does not treat their daughter with respect. Do you have a sister? Would you like a man treats your sister like this? Always alone, never a visit, never a date, and her always begging him for a little bit of communication? Of course not! So if your mom or your sister deserve to be treated right, why don't you deserve it too? 

Okay, thank you. I wouldn't want any woman to experience what how I'm feeling, I feel so hurt....

I really want to reach out to him...I really do because I feel like if I don't, then it'll be even harder to do so if I wait longer and I'll agonize not saying anything earlier...this talk will be very important and would be benefit both of us. 

I don't care about anyone else, I just care about him...he is a bad boyfriend but I like him so much still...he's also my first boyfriend. 

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

I don't care about anyone else, I just care about him...he is a bad boyfriend but I like him so much still...he's also my first boyfriend. 

You have to care about *yourself* first. Women that love men above anything else end up in abusive relationships. You don't like him for the right reasons. You should like him because he makes you feel on top of the world, he makes your days brighter, he makes you laugh and feel loved. He does nothing of that. In reality you like a version of him that does not exist. In your head one day he will be a wonderful boyfriend that's what you love. He will never be that boyfriend to you. 

Heartbreaks are hard but we get over them and after that we usually pick a much better boyfriend for ourselves.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

Okay, thank you. I wouldn't want any woman to experience what how I'm feeling, I feel so hurt....

I really want to reach out to him...I really do because I feel like if I don't, then it'll be even harder to do so if I wait longer and I'll agonize not saying anything earlier...this talk will be very important and would be benefit both of us. 

I don't care about anyone else, I just care about him...he is a bad boyfriend but I like him so much still...he's also my first boyfriend. 

No it really would not.  If you bother him again after he's said give him space he's going to really start disliking you and will stop being nice and end it.  Your next move should be to wait to see if he contacts you again and then have you talk with him.  I ask you again, do your parents allow you to date?

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Aaiel said:

They don't know. My siblings know. I would only tell them if we spend more time together. ..but we don't. 

I agree that you should probably break things off with this guy because of his lack of effort but I am curious how is he supposed to spend more time with you when you live with your parents and they don't know about him? It seems like a difficult situation and I understand why you may not want to tell your parents, but logistically, how can he come spend more time with you without them knowing? Has he ever invited you to hang out with him in his area?

[Aaiel]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

No it really would not.  If you bother him again after he's said give him space he's going to really start disliking you and will stop being nice and end it.  Your next move should be to wait to see if he contacts you again and then have you talk with him.  I ask you again, do your parents allow you to date?

Just to ask how's he doing? He'll be mad at me? I know him, he doesn't get mad for things like that...I'm so unsure on what to do. So many people tell me different things including you guys. 

Before they did, but recently like last month, my dad said he's not against it. 

[Aaiel]

I have a question, would you rather regret not saying anything earlier or regret not waiting longer? That's how I feel rn....because so many people are telling me different things ( wait few days then text and wait if responnse then talk) or ( wait don't say anything ultimately) and I don't want to regret anything. 

I know it'll kill me if I regret not saying anything earlier to talk to him and work things out and it'll also kill me to know Ive made it even worse by breaking the distance.

Edited February 6 by Aaiel

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

I know it'll kill me if I regret not saying anything earlier to talk to him and work things out and it'll also kill me to know Ive made it even worse by breaking the distance.

If you think it's going to kill you not to say anything earlier after he's asked you for space, then go ahead and call him.  We just give advice, you do what you want to do.  Maybe it will be good to ask him because then he may tell you the truth about how he actually feels about you.  Go ahead.

[Aaiel]

25 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I agree that you should probably break things off with this guy because of his lack of effort but I am curious how is he supposed to spend more time with you when you live with your parents and they don't know about him? It seems like a difficult situation and I understand why you may not want to tell your parents, but logistically, how can he come spend more time with you without them knowing? Has he ever invited you to hang out with him in his area?

What do you mean by this, "how can he come spend more time with you without them knowing?" 

If they know about him, he'd be more willing or open to seeing me more? 

[Gaeta]

Do you think that by telling him you feel lonely, that you need to see him more and talk to him more that he will suddenly change? And he'll say : omg l had no idea you felt like that!

What do you expext from talking to him?

 

[Aaiel]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Do you think that by telling him you feel lonely, that you need to see him more and talk to him more that he will suddenly change? And he'll say : omg l had no idea you felt like that!

What do you expext from talking to him?

 

No, he obviously knows that. I know talking could do us some good. Like how often he wants to call or text, and meeting up and if he can do that. For us to be on the same page. We've agreed that we can meet in the middle. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Aaiel said:

...he's also my first boyfriend. 

That is what is driving this.   

He's a bad BF.  You are hiding him from your parents because you know they will immediately see how rotten he is. 

Nothing about this is good.  If you get rid of him, the pain will stop because you will be standing up for yourself & preserving the dignity that you are losing to this man.  He's not even stealing it.  You are freely giving it away & hurting yourself because you continue to tolerate being an afterthought.  Stop. 

Reaching out to beg for his attention & worse you thinking that you should apologize to him is craziness.  You need to dump him & work on your self esteem.  If you had some you would have walked away from this a long time ago.  

Do yourself a favor & read a pop psychology book called The Rules.  Some of it is drivel but you need to learn more about how to preserve your own dignity instead of continuing to debase yourself like this.  It's not attractive.  

 

If he knows you are lonely but not doing everything in his power to spend time with you but is instead crying that he wants more space, that is your answer.  He doesn't want to talk about this.  He doesn't care.  He's not going to change. 

 

Edited February 6 by d0nnivain

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

No, he obviously knows that. I know talking could do us some good. Like how often he wants to call or text, and meeting up and if he can do that. For us to be on the same page. We've agreed that we can meet in the middle. 

Do you want him to see you because he feels forced or because he desires to see you?

If he desired to see you, don't you think he would take actions to see you?

[stillafool]

37 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

 

If they know about him, he'd be more willing or open to seeing me more? 

Probably.  As a 25 year old man trying to date a 20 year old whose parents treat her like a minor, that may be a turn off.  25 year old men want sex and plenty of it.  You not having your own place and not allowed to spend the night with a man probably isn't cutting it for this guy and that's a reason to distance himself.

[Aaiel]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Probably.  As a 25 year old man trying to date a 20 year old whose parents treat her like a minor, that may be a turn off.  25 year old men want sex and plenty of it.  You not having your own place and not allowed to spend the night with a man probably isn't cutting it for this guy and that's a reason to distance himself.

Oh...I see. He did ask me if I can spend the night once, but I told him I couldn't. He knows that it's hard on me with that curfew and said once you move out, you'll feel better. 

But I wonder if I didnt live with them...would he have made more time to see me? 

Edited February 6 by Aaiel

[Aaiel]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Probably.  As a 25 year old man trying to date a 20 year old whose parents treat her like a minor, that may be a turn off.  25 year old men want sex and plenty of it.  You not having your own place and not allowed to spend the night with a man probably isn't cutting it for this guy and that's a reason to distance himself.

Actually, there was a chance for us to spend the night together. My parents were out of the country that's why. 3 weeks actually. But he still couldn't see me. He had to fly out to L.A. 

[Aaiel]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Do you want him to see you because he feels forced or because he desires to see you?

If he desired to see you, don't you think he would take actions to see you?

I just want him to want to see me. But I think because work has been hectic for him, he doesn't have time to. Or maybe he doesn't want to because of my curfew. 

[Aaiel]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

That is what is driving this.   

He's a bad BF.  You are hiding him from your parents because you know they will immediately see how rotten he is. 

Nothing about this is good.  If you get rid of him, the pain will stop because you will be standing up for yourself & preserving the dignity that you are losing to this man.  He's not even stealing it.  You are freely giving it away & hurting yourself because you continue to tolerate being an afterthought.  Stop. 

Reaching out to beg for his attention & worse you thinking that you should apologize to him is craziness.  You need to dump him & work on your self esteem.  If you had some you would have walked away from this a long time ago.  

Do yourself a favor & read a pop psychology book called The Rules.  Some of it is drivel but you need to learn more about how to preserve your own dignity instead of continuing to debase yourself like this.  It's not attractive.  

 

If he knows you are lonely but not doing everything in his power to spend time with you but is instead crying that he wants more space, that is your answer.  He doesn't want to talk about this.  He doesn't care.  He's not going to change. 

 

Idk if this means anything but in our first month dating, he was like jokingly wondering if he can ask my dad to take me on a trip. And I said yeah! 

We were so hopeful and happy that time because obviously we just started dating and he also had time to spend with me. 

I did tell him that my parents don't let me date, he knows...is that's what's possibly preventing him from seeing me? 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Aaiel said:

I just want him to want to see me. But I think because work has been hectic for him, he doesn't have time to. Or maybe he doesn't want to because of my curfew. 

He does not want to, period. 

He's a 25 yo man with no attachment, young an full of health. There are people out there much MUCH more busy than him, people with 2-3-4 kids, 2 jobs, a house to maintain, older parents  to take care of, and these people still find the time to spend time with their girlfriend/boyfriend. 

What keeps him from seeing you every Saturday evening? Tell me. 

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Aaiel said:

I did tell him that my parents don't let me date, he knows...is that's what's possibly preventing him from seeing me? 

Yes, this is part of it.  He wants no part of dating somebody who is not independent.  

The only thing preventing him from seeing you is him.  He doesn't want to.  When he says he needs space he's not communicating clearly.  He wants you to go away & stop bothering him.  He views you as a nuisance not a GF at this point.  

He's not the guy for you.  Let it go.  

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

Actually, there was a chance for us to spend the night together. My parents were out of the country that's why. 3 weeks actually. But he still couldn't see me. He had to fly out to L.A. 

Girl please!  This guy doesn't consider you a priority in his life at all.  I don't know why you even call him your boyfriend.  I doubt he even went to L.A. but just put you off.