Boyfriend tells me he needs space, what should I do? What does he mean by space? No-contact?

[d0nnivain]

See my amended response. You will see it as worse but it will be better because you will know & you can stop debasing yourself chasing him. 

[Aaiel]

28 minutes ago, basil67 said:

He told you not to call. 

And that you don't know his schedule is yet another sign that he's not an actual boyfriend

I'm definitely not going to. Just ask to call to talk. I would like clarity..

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

I'm definitely not going to. Just ask to call to talk. I would like clarity..

If you ask to have a phone call, he's likely going to block you.

It would be much easier to block him and leave him in your past.  

[Aaiel]

Just now, basil67 said:

If you ask to have a phone call, he's likely going to block you.

It would be much easier to block him and leave him in your past.  

Okay. You guys make it seem like he hates my guts

[d0nnivain]

He doesn't care enough about you to hate you.  Hate is passionate.  He's indifferent & that is worse.  

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Aaiel said:

Okay. You guys make it seem like he hates my guts

He doesn't want to hear from you.  And I agree that he doesn't care enough to hate you.  At this point, he's seeing you as an annoyance   

[stillafool]

Nothing anyone is saying to you is convincing you that this guy isn't into you so go ahead and contact him so you can find out for yourself.  You're going around and around in circles and reminding me of another poster who was here last week.  Just do it and satisfy yourself.

[Gaeta]

It sounds like it's gonna have to be a lesson learn the hard way.

Let us know what happens.

[Aaiel]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It sounds like it's gonna have to be a lesson learn the hard way.

Let us know what happens.

Of course. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Aaiel said:

So what you're suggesting? It's my fault he's not putting in effort? Or I give him a reason to? I was out of the country because of my family and that was planned before I met him. I kept I contact with him when I was across the whole world and I still texted him. I tell him stuff too and there is hardly any room for me to talk to him, that's why I haven't said my true feelings. I can't even call him, I have to ask because I know he has work. 

My family is very important to me so introducing him would mean we spend a lot of  time together. But we don't. 

Sorry if I came off harsh. Just trying to understand the situation better. I would just let this go by the wayside then. For now, just focus on your own life and don't put too much effort into his. If he wants to reach out, then great, but don't go out of your way for someone who isn't willing to do the same for you. 

Edited February 6 by Alpacalia

[IrinaM]

@AaielHow did it come about that you consider yourself to be in a relationship? I'm curious about when the two of you discussed things like exclusivity and calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend? Who brought it up? And what does your agreement with him entail? Different people have different ways of defining relationships. Did you actually agree not to see other people and concentrate on getting to know each other better? I've noticed sometimes young women will take "he told me that he's not dating anyone else except for me," to mean that he has agreed that he won't date anyone else except you. These aren't the same thing.

It seems like this "relationship" fizzled out a long time ago. At what point was it so intense that you two agreed to be exclusive?

I have a feeling that if you just decide to wait to hear from him (which you should), then you will just never hear from him again. Personally I can't figure out if this guy is such a complete d-bag that he doesn't really care if he's leading you on, or if he's such a total doormat that he's intimidated by your persistence and thinks it's best to just placate you with the hopes that you'll finally face reality. I think it's the latter. Please, going forward, if he doesn't answer your text, don't call him even once, let alone four times.

One last thing- I don't think you living at home or having a curfew is causing any problems, imho. Please do not take on the burden of paying for your own housing and bills in the hopes that this man or men generally will like you more. If your parents are willing to support you rn and maybe for a few more years, use this time to build yourself a little bit of security. Speaking of which- do you work or go to school?

[Aaiel]

18 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

@AaielHow did it come about that you consider yourself to be in a relationship? I'm curious about when the two of you discussed things like exclusivity and calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend? Who brought it up? And what does your agreement with him entail? Different people have different ways of defining relationships. Did you actually agree not to see other people and concentrate on getting to know each other better? I've noticed sometimes young women will take "he told me that he's not dating anyone else except for me," to mean that he has agreed that he won't date anyone else except you. These aren't the same thing.

It seems like this "relationship" fizzled out a long time ago. At what point was it so intense that you two agreed to be exclusive?

I have a feeling that if you just decide to wait to hear from him (which you should), then you will just never hear from him again. Personally I can't figure out if this guy is such a complete d-bag that he doesn't really care if he's leading you on, or if he's such a total doormat that he's intimidated by your persistence and thinks it's best to just placate you with the hopes that you'll finally face reality. I think it's the latter. Please, going forward, if he doesn't answer your text, don't call him even once, let alone four times.

One last thing- I don't think you living at home or having a curfew is causing any problems, imho. Please do not take on the burden of paying for your own housing and bills in the hopes that this man or men generally will like you more. If your parents are willing to support you rn and maybe for a few more years, use this time to build yourself a little bit of security. Speaking of which- do you work or go to school?

He asked me to be his girlfriend actually. Yes, school and a part time job. 

We agreed that we're only seeing each other, and deleted dating apps. 

Edited February 7 by Aaiel

[IrinaM]

11 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

Yes, school and a part time job.

Good! Unfortunately sometimes the people we love don't love us back. But you can choose to love yourself, and nobody can take that away from you. Wise investment in your future will pay off, even when other people let you down.

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

That's fair.  

Just understand we are not optimistic based on how he treats you to date.  

Don't ask to meet.  Tell him you need to meet.  

Dear [his name] -- We haven't seen each other in 3.5 months.  Let's get together on [date / day of the week] at [location in the middle ] to talk about how we can both get our needs met in this relationship.  What we're doing, never seeing each other, isn't working. 

If he can't be bothered at least you know you tried but at that point you have to give up. 

I agree with this strategy.

OP, I understand your need to reach out to him and get a negative response from him before you can move on. I am a bit like you in that way. Some people need that external confirmation before they can move on. It's difficult for them to objectively assess the situation and get pissed off enough with their BF/GF to just walk away.

But that is problematic because it means that the other person could string you along for a long time.

When you do talk to him, be careful. Because he could very easily say he agrees with you, you're right, and he wants to fix things. And then he could proceed to do exactly what he has been doing all along, which is not prioritizing you.

So, ultimately, you need to decide for yourself that, independently of what your guy says or does, if the relationship will not meet your very valid emotional needs, you will end it. You need to genuinely care about yourself and believe you matter to do that.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would bet the farm that this guy is dating someone else locally. 

OP, you are the backburner girl. Nobody is this busy with work. 

[Beachead]

On 2/5/2024 at 12:31 AM, Aaiel said:

Did I let my anxiety make him fed up? What do I do?

Should I just go no-contact is that what he wants? Or wait like 4 days and then check in?

Hey OP,

This guy doesn't seem to be showing much interest in the relationship and I think the lack of communication and general disinterest is ramping your anxiety up, because you value your relationship with him.  Unfortunately, the more anxious you get, the more annoyed he becomes.   Objectively, there's nothing you can do about his feelings or his behavior.  You can only do your best and he'll feel how he feels about it.  If what you've given, isn't enough for him, so be it.  What you do have control of in this situation is how you deal with this; your side of the equation.

Based on what you wrote on your first post, I advise you to the following:

Don't contact him for 1 week and see what he does.  If he doesn't contact you, you have your answer.  If he does contact you, see how things go with him, but if things go back to this again, then walk away.  In doing this, you can confirm, for yourself, that you did everything you could and that leaving was the right decision.  That'll help make moving forward, easier.

Now, if he doesn't contact you in this "test" week, immediately proceed to No Contact from there.  Block and delete his number.  Collect photos and anything that will remind you of him and transition them to a place that's out of sight.   Don't respond to him if he contacts you and don't contact him.  To heal from the breakup, you have to cut yourself off from the source of your pain.  

This isn't easy but just remember, in a healthy relationship, the communication is mainly there and when it's not you two will bridge the gaps and resolve the problem.  You'll both be on the same page.   You both won't risk losing eachother because you both value and are therefore committed to a future together.  You won't really be anxious or doubtful or scared in these instances.  

Take care of yourself

- Beach

 

Edited February 11 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

Any updates @Aaiel? 

Hope you are safe 

[Aaiel]

Update: He broke up with me. We talk tomorrow for closure and clarity. 

No "I told you so" please I really do not need to see that [ ] 

Edited February 18 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Gaeta]

52 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

Update: He broke up with me. We talk tomorrow for closure and clarity. 

Aaiel: l am very sorry it did not unfold the way you wished. Breakups are really hard no matter the circumstances, we would never minimize what you are experiencing.

If you need support while going through this we are here for you. 

This quote helped me during my breakup, it's from Marilyn Monroe, it says: Sometimes good things fall apart so better things fall together. 

Edited February 18 by Gaeta

[Alpacalia]

50 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

Update: He broke up with me. We talk tomorrow for closure and clarity. 

 

No "I told you so" please [ ] 

🥺

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through some pain. It sucks to feel heartbroken, but there's a silver lining to this situation. You've come to the realization that you weren't happy with him, and that's a good thing.  Eventually, you'll find someone who complements and brings out the best in you!

Make sure you have friends and family on stand-by tomorrow or post here so that we can remind you of what you need to do or ask the next day. It's easy to get derailed in these kind of talks and it's always good to have a support system.

 

[Aaiel]

24 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Aaiel: l am very sorry it did not unfold the way you wished. Breakups are really hard no matter the circumstances, we would never minimize what you are experiencing.

If you need support while going through this we are here for you. 

This quote helped me during my breakup, it's from Marilyn Monroe, it says: Sometimes good things fall apart so better things fall together. 

Thank you Gaeta.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Aaiel said:

Update: He broke up with me. We talk tomorrow for closure and clarity.

This is for the best. 

It is clear that neither of you was happy anymore and it was weighing on you. He did the right thing setting you free. 

[d0nnivain]

No I told you so's.  But this is a blessing in disguise.  You don't see it yet but disconnecting from him is an opportunity for you to find somebody better suited to you who actually wants to spend time with you.  

You might not get closure from him.  If he had words & caring you wouldn't be breaking up.  Closure comes from within.  It's when YOU are ready to shut the door behind you & move forward. 

Take some time & grieve the loss of what might have been but then go forward.  You will heal. You will live to love again.  

[Aaiel]

It's like I'm grieving for someone that's dead but I know he's probably doing fine without me. I worry when I meet new people, I'll seek out people like him. 

I'm trying to get busy, read more books, go to the gym, and hang out with friends, but I feel so lonely. I worry I'll be lonely forever. I love my family and have supportive friends, they make things less hard but I want to get married and spend my life with someone special.