Boyfriend tells me he needs space, what should I do? What does he mean by space? No-contact?

[stillafool]

Why at the age of 20 do you need your parents permission to date?  No age appropriate guy is going to go for this.  You need to put off finding a boyfriend until you become independent.  You can even find or be a roommate to gain your independence.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Aaiel said:

Just to ask how's he doing? He'll be mad at me? I know him, he doesn't get mad for things like that...

Yes, he will get mad because he's asked you to give him space.  What is it about that statement that you do not understand?

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

Actually, there was a chance for us to spend the night together. My parents were out of the country that's why. 3 weeks actually. But he still couldn't see me. He had to fly out to L.A. 

Guys like him get girls like you pregnant then abandon them. 

[Aaiel]

14 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes, he will get mad because he's asked you to give him space.  What is it about that statement that you do not understand?

Could you at least talk to me with some respect please? Isn't that like the most basic decent thing to have when you're on a forum giving people advice?  I dont get an ounce of it at all from your responses.

I get you're trying to help but I don't need to see that right now especially and am seeking advice and support not being told what to do. 

It's not that I understand, I want to consider the outcomes if I just don't say anything either. And I'm choosing to not say anything the more I think about it. I can't just stick to one and just go with it without considering everything else. 

 

Edited February 6 by Aaiel

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Aaiel said:

What do you mean by this, "how can he come spend more time with you without them knowing?" 

If they know about him, he'd be more willing or open to seeing me more? 

I recall when I dated my boyfriend around your age and I was living with family. He still made time to come see me, albeit, they knew about who he was and welcomed him into our home. Granted, I think it's good that you go slow and not necessarily have him just hanging out at your house quite yet in such a tender stage. However, there are less conspicuous means to see each other like libraries, restaurants or cafes. Anyway...

What I mean is that if your parents don't know about him, he may not feel comfortable traveling to you to hang out with you. So, it's like a catch-22 - you don't want to tell your parents because you're not sure how serious the relationship is, but he also doesn't want to invest more time and effort into the relationship until your parents know about him. 

I was curious if he has ever suggested hanging out in his area as a way to spend more time together without worrying about your parents, or if there are other activities/places you could go to spend more time together while still keeping your relationship low-key.

I do agree that there are other options for spending time together, such as public places or his own home. However, seems he is not willing to put in the effort to make time for you, regardless of your living situation. 

Edited February 6 by Alpacalia

[Aaiel]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I recall when I dated my boyfriend around your age and I was living with family. He still made time to come see me, albeit, they knew about who he was and welcomed him into our home. Granted, I think it's good that you go slow and not necessarily have him just hanging out at your house quite yet in such a tender stage. However, there are less conspicuous means to see each other like libraries, restaurants or cafes. Anyway...

What I mean is that if your parents don't know about him, he may not feel comfortable traveling to you to hang out with you. So, it's like a catch-22 - you don't want to tell your parents because you're not sure how serious the relationship is, but he also doesn't want to invest more time and effort into the relationship until your parents know about him. 

I was curious if he has ever suggested hanging out in his area as a way to spend more time together without worrying about your parents, or if there are other activities/places you could go to spend more time together while still keeping your relationship low-key.

I do agree that there are other options for spending time together, such as public places or his own home. However, it may very well be that he is not willing to put in the effort to make time for you, regardless of your living situation. 

Yes, he has suggested before. We actually had plans to go to the beach. 

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

Yes, he has suggested before. We actually had plans to go to the beach. 

And....? Did you go?

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

but he also doesn't want to invest more time and effort into the relationship until your parents know about him. 

He has pretty much invested nothing in this relationship. 

He's a 25 year old man he doesn't want to bother with a 20 year old under the rules of her parents. If he was an honorable man he would invest in OP to show his good heart and by 6 months he would introduce himself to the parents. He would date her properly and respect her parents rules. The only good time OP had was in September when they saw each other 5 times, that's once a week,  then from there he made no effort to see her. That is 5 months with nothing. 

[stillafool]

42 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

Could you at least talk to me with some respect please? Isn't that like the most basic decent thing to have when you're on a forum giving people advice?  I dont get an ounce of it at all from your responses.

I get you're trying to help but I don't need to see that right now especially and am seeking advice and support not being told what to do. 

It's not that I understand, I want to consider the outcomes if I just don't say anything either. And I'm choosing to not say anything the more I think about it. I can't just stick to one and just go with it without considering everything else. 

 

Sorry I wasn't trying to offend you by that question. He did ask you to give him space and you are thinking of contacting him anyway, that is why I asked if you understood.  At this point do what your heart tells you to do.  Experience is the best lesson.

[Alpacalia]

Just now, Gaeta said:

He has pretty much invested nothing in this relationship. 

He's a 25 year old man he doesn't want to bother with a 20 year old under the rules of her parents. If he was an honorable man he would invest in OP to show his good heart and by 6 months he would introduce himself to the parents. He would date her properly and respect her parents rules. The only good time OP had was in September when they saw each other 5 times, that's once a week,  then from there he made no effort to see her. That is 5 months with nothing. 

 

If I am dating someone for five months and he's not open about me coming around to his or hiding me from his parents, I'm out. She has a secret boyfriend who is not revealing around her family. Why bother dating him? And how is that you were out of the country for the entire month of December? Yes, sure, he's not making an effort, but you yourself weren't available for an entire month. And then you waited until January to bring up those feelings? Of course he's not making an effort and didn't take you seriously. 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

 

If I am dating someone for five months and he's not open about me coming around to his or hiding me from his parents, I'm out. She has a secret boyfriend who is not revealing around her family. Why bother dating him? And how is that you were out of the country for the entire month of December? Yes, sure, he's not making an effort, but you yourself weren't available for an entire month. And then you waited until January to bring up those feelings? Of course he's not making an effort and didn't take you seriously. 

What about October, November? he did not make any efforts to see her then. At the moment he left after September he became a no show. 

I think OP 'thinks' she is dating this man. When you don't see someone for 4 months, and they only live 1 hr away, it's not dating. 

[Aaiel]

20 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

 

If I am dating someone for five months and he's not open about me coming around to his or hiding me from his parents, I'm out. She has a secret boyfriend who is not revealing around her family. Why bother dating him? And how is that you were out of the country for the entire month of December? Yes, sure, he's not making an effort, but you yourself weren't available for an entire month. And then you waited until January to bring up those feelings? Of course he's not making an effort and didn't take you seriously. 

So what you're suggesting? It's my fault he's not putting in effort? Or I give him a reason to? I was out of the country because of my family and that was planned before I met him. I kept I contact with him when I was across the whole world and I still texted him. I tell him stuff too and there is hardly any room for me to talk to him, that's why I haven't said my true feelings. I can't even call him, I have to ask because I know he has work. 

My family is very important to me so introducing him would mean we spend a lot of  time together. But we don't. 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

My family is very important to me so introducing him would mean we spend a lot of  time together. But we don't. 

This makes no sense.

Your parents do not want you to date but if you introduce someone to them he has to have spent a lot of time with you? How does that work?

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Aaiel said:

Okay, well thank you for the honesty but I'm still going to talk with him about everything and if he doesn't want talk to me, I'll break it off....

Not if he breaks it off with you first....    

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Aaiel said:

..he is a bad boyfriend but I like him so much still...he's also my first boyfriend. 

Maybe since this is your first boyfriend, you don't understand how relationships work yet.  He is not your boyfriend.  He is a guy who you have seen in person FIVE times total.  You are clinging to a fantasy.  A boyfriend is someone who you spend time with in person, a lot of time, at least once a week, and who you have physical intimacy with.  It's not just someone you constantly text.

Sooner or later you will have to face the reality that this is not a real relationship and there is nothing left to do but stop wasting your time with this.

[Aaiel]

29 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This makes no sense.

Your parents do not want you to date but if you introduce someone to them he has to have spent a lot of time with you? How does that work?

No it's not that.

[d0nnivain]

33 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

So what you're suggesting? It's my fault he's not putting in effort? Or I give him a reason to? I was out of the country because of my family and that was planned before I met him. I kept I contact with him when I was across the whole world and I still texted him. I tell him stuff too and there is hardly any room for me to talk to him, that's why I haven't said my true feelings. I can't even call him, I have to ask because I know he has work. 

My family is very important to me so introducing him would mean we spend a lot of  time together. But we don't. 

It's not your fault that he's not putting in effort but chasing after him is within your control. You need to stop because it's not working.   If he's not giving you what you need; if he's not initiating contact with you, if you haven't seen him in 3.5 months (even if you were away for part of that time) what are you getting out of this?  

Family is important.  Are you saying you haven't introduced him because you are unsure of him & don't know that he will stick around or are you saying that your parents won't let you date?   At 20 I was away at college, so my parents rarely met anybody I dated.  I wasn't hiding my parents from my dates but for their own protection I often chose not to burden my dates with the whole meet the parents stress.  That was more about me not caring enough about the guy & the distance.  I get the sense that you want him around your family.  But I also think he wants no part of that.  

On some level your situation reads like you are a sweet naive girl caught up in the whirlwind of your 1st BF.  But you come across as somebody who doesn't know the score, who is expecting a fairy tale.  A busy 25 year old modern guy is going to want sex & sleep overs & somebody mature. He is not going to want to spend time with her family unless he absolutely has to.   An old fashioned or religious man who is not pressuring you for sex, who views you as the proverbial good girl saving it for marriage, is going to want to court you with parental permission & will be happy to sit in your family's living room playing checkers with you under their watchful eye.  

I just don't think you & this guy are on the same page.  

Probably what has to happen is you keep doing it your way . . .send him the selfies, beg for attention, pester him until he snaps. When he is finally beyond rude to you & basically tells you to go F yourself, then maybe you will understand that you should have given up a long time ago to find a genuinely nice guy who in on your same level.  

I wish you well.  I just don't see this turning out the way you want it to. 

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Aaiel said:

I know it'll kill me if I regret not saying anything earlier to talk to him and work things out and it'll also kill me to know Ive made it even worse by breaking the distance.

"Talking" to him is not going to change anything.  If you insist on trying to talk to him, go ahead, but you will learn that it's not going to work and you'll still be in the same situation.  This guy literally has no time to have a real relationship with you.  That's not going to change.

[Aaiel]

1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

"Talking" to him is not going to change anything.  If you insist on trying to talk to him, go ahead, but you will learn that it's not going to work and you'll still be in the same situation.  This guy literally has no time to have a real relationship with you.  That's not going to change.

I won't know if I don't try. If I tried and still nothing changes, then I know my answer. I don't want to regret not trying. 

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, Aaiel said:

I won't know if I don't try. If I tried and still nothing changes, then I know my answer. I don't want to regret not trying. 

That's fair.  

Just understand we are not optimistic based on how he treats you to date.  

Don't ask to meet.  Tell him you need to meet.  

Dear [his name] -- We haven't seen each other in 3.5 months.  Let's get together on [date / day of the week] at [location in the middle ] to talk about how we can both get our needs met in this relationship.  What we're doing, never seeing each other, isn't working. 

If he can't be bothered at least you know you tried but at that point you have to give up. 

[ShyViolet]

5 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

I won't know if I don't try. If I tried and still nothing changes, then I know my answer. I don't want to regret not trying. 

I think it's very naive to even think it makes sense to try and salvage a relationship with a man who calls you his boyfriend but has not seen you in 3 and a half months.  That's just crazy.  There is nothing to salvage here.  But you're young and it just may be that you have to make these mistakes in order to learn.

Edited February 6 by ShyViolet

[Aaiel]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

That's fair.  

Just understand we are not optimistic based on how he treats you to date.  

Don't ask to meet.  Tell him you need to meet.  

Dear [his name] -- We haven't seen each other in 3.5 months.  Let's get together on [date / day of the week] at [location in the middle ] to talk about how we can both get our needs met in this relationship.  What we're doing, never seeing each other, isn't working. 

If he can't be bothered at least you know you tried but at that point you have to give up. 

Thank you for this. What about calling? And when would I say this? I also don't know his schedule...

Edited February 6 by Aaiel

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

Thank you for this. What about calling? 

I also don't know his schedule...

He told you not to call. 

And that you don't know his schedule is yet another sign that he's not an actual boyfriend

Edited February 6 by basil67

[d0nnivain]

32 minutes ago, Aaiel said:

Thank you for this. What about calling? And when would I say this? I also don't know his schedule...

Call, text, send smoke signals.  Just put it out there so you can end this.   He needs to start accommodating your schedule.  

it doesn't matter what you do.  You are going to get kicked in the proverbial teeth for your efforts.  No man who hasn't seen his "GF" in 3.5 months needs more space.  

You are going to attempt this.  He's gonna blow you off or explode on you.  He won't meet you.  He might not take the call or respond to the text.  I am only suggesting this because you are the kid who doesn't listen when mom says don't touch the hot stove & then gets her hand burned.  

I simply want you to finally see him for the selfish guy he is who has zero interest in actually being a good BF to you.  The sooner you burn your hand, the sooner the learn & can get on with the business of healing once you accept the reality that this has been over for a while. 

Edited February 6 by d0nnivain

[Aaiel]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Call, text, send smoke signals.  Just put it out there so you can end this.   He needs to start accommodating your 

Hm okay.

Edited February 6 by Aaiel