Falcao Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 (edited) Hi all. This might be a bit of a weird one and I know I'm being irrational but I don't know how to move on I've used a webcam site on and off for years. It started years ago when I had trouble in my marriage and my wife had become distant. Years later I found out she had cheated but agreed to stay because we had two young kids who I adore. At the time we didn't have much money so didn't have much to give the performers in tips. I had stopped visiting this site and it was completely out of my system when about three years ago an advert popped up which I followed and it took me back to the site. So with a bit more free cash at this time I decided to spend a bit there. Then I discovered a few other similar sites. On one of these I saw a girl who was completely my type and I thought she was so beautiful. So I would give her a few tips but I kept my distance and would visit once a fortnight maybe. Then one day we got chatting and she came across as a really nice girl. I wasn't looking for this at all it just happened. After a while I'm visiting daily and mainly we are just talking, it was so easy and by this point I know I'm falling in love and she said the same for her. Then she got sick and disappeared for a few weeks and I missed her so much then when she returned I gave her my WhatsApp so I wouldn't have to be away from her again. This was December 2022. She started asking for money over WhatsApp and I started sending small amounts when she asked. The asks got bigger and bigger. I did arrange to visit last March but my credit card wouldn't work on the website of her countries airline. She quit the webcam site months ago and so I don't visit her there anymore. Although I never met any of her family or spoke to them I know who they are, I know she has a kid and I've seen pictures. I know where she lives and I sent her flowers on Valentine's day last year, which she received. This time last year I was fully focused on leaving my wife and moving to her country. Fast forward to now and I've sent her over $7000 and she keeps asking for more, around half of that I still owe on a credit card. I've told her I can't do it anymore and it's turned nasty. I've known for a long time that she's only in it for money but for some reason I'm still in love with her. She's said some really horrible things to me recently and it hurts so much. Having been the biggest part of my life for 14 months now I've got to let her go, she's not interested in me now the money's stopped and I don't think she's going to talk to me again. I know that's for the best but it doesn't feel that way to me right now. Although we never met in person everything I did I included her, if I went out I would be messaging her and sending pictures. If I'm enjoying a film I would be wondering if she would also enjoy it and the same for anything I was doing. I don't know what to do with myself. I hope that rambling made sense and I guess I just needed somewhere to get this out and if anyone has advice it would be greatly appreciated .Obviously I'm not keen on speaking to anyone in my life about it. If you have got this far then thanks for reading. Edited February 7 by Falcao Added info Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 I'm sorry for what happened to you. With hindsight, do you recognise that she was never in love with you? That it was all designed to lure you into sending money? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Falcao Posted February 7 Author Share Posted February 7 15 minutes ago, basil67 said: I'm sorry for what happened to you. With hindsight, do you recognise that she was never in love with you? That it was all designed to lure you into sending money? Logically yes I know deep down that this was the case. I think the relationship could have happened but it would have been a sugar daddy situation. I talked about selling my house here and that once split with my wife I could buy a very nice house in her country. The feelings are still there though even though really I know. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 (edited) Good that you know the truth. I guess all you can do from here is remind yourself of that each time you start missing her. With regards to a sugar daddy relationship, what about all the other guys she was getting money from in the same way? I hope you don't think you're the only one Edited February 7 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Falcao Posted February 7 Author Share Posted February 7 Obviously on the webcam site there were others but away from there she said I was the only one. She quit last May but I think you are correct in that I'm not the only one she's done this to. I'll never know that for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 7 Share Posted February 7 1 hour ago, Falcao said: I've sent her over $7000 and she keeps asking for more, around half of that I still owe on a credit card. Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems like a romance scam. It can happen to vulnerable people. https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/data-visualizations/data-spotlight/2023/02/romance-scammers-favorite-lies-exposed Link to post Share on other sites
Author Falcao Posted February 8 Author Share Posted February 8 21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems like a romance scam. It can happen to vulnerable people. https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/data-visualizations/data-spotlight/2023/02/romance-scammers-favorite-lies-exposed I agree. But it's odd for a scammer to share their real life. If I had found out it was someone pretending to be another person then it would be a lot easier. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 Scammer or not, you've still got to look at it for what it was: This was her work. It's kind of like prostitution, but without the sex - you were paying for her attention and indulging in fantasies. And just like a sex worker, she would have multiple clients. Where you got caught out that she didn't spell out the conditions to you, and this is why it tends to fall into the realms of scam. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 I have a feeling that one of the reasons why you're so hooked to her is she provides an escape from your regular life. So I suspect that once you start addressing whatever is wrong with your actual daily lived experience (e.g. figuring out what the future of your relationship with your wife should be (sorry, I can't tell if you're still together), refocusing yourself on being a committed and actively present father, taking up a new activity or hobby or course (something you enjoy that will stimulate you mentally/intellectually)), you will no longer have that sense of emptiness that you initially felt. You should also take the time to learn how the kind of manipulation you were subjected to works. Once you have a decent understanding of why the woman you were chatting with did everything she did and how it was calculated to make you feel or act a certain way, you will feel less and less sentimental about whatever you shared. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Falcao Posted February 9 Author Share Posted February 9 7 hours ago, Acacia98 said: I have a feeling that one of the reasons why you're so hooked to her is she provides an escape from your regular life. So I suspect that once you start addressing whatever is wrong with your actual daily lived experience (e.g. figuring out what the future of your relationship with your wife should be (sorry, I can't tell if you're still together), refocusing yourself on being a committed and actively present father, taking up a new activity or hobby or course (something you enjoy that will stimulate you mentally/intellectually)), you will no longer have that sense of emptiness that you initially felt. You should also take the time to learn how the kind of manipulation you were subjected to works. Once you have a decent understanding of why the woman you were chatting with did everything she did and how it was calculated to make you feel or act a certain way, you will feel less and less sentimental about whatever you shared. Thank you for your advice. Yes I'm still together with my wife but nothing has really changed on that front. Our kids have grown up and gone off to university, I think that has a lot to do with my mindset. I have a particularly strong relationship with one of them who left just before all of this started. On the second point I remember looking for advice on that when it all started, places like Reddit have many users who have been through similar things. The advice people gave was to ask for personal information from them because they generally won't give it out. In this case she was happy to do so but unfortunately it seems that's part of the manipulation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Falcao Posted February 9 Author Share Posted February 9 17 hours ago, basil67 said: Scammer or not, you've still got to look at it for what it was: This was her work. It's kind of like prostitution, but without the sex - you were paying for her attention and indulging in fantasies. And just like a sex worker, she would have multiple clients. Where you got caught out that she didn't spell out the conditions to you, and this is why it tends to fall into the realms of scam. I understand what you're saying and you are 100% spot on. I've thought a lot about this today and thank you for putting it that way, this post has helped a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 (edited) 22 minutes ago, Falcao said: I remember looking for advice on Reddit The advice people gave was to ask for personal information from them because they generally won't give it out. Unfortunately that's not true. Many charlatans, con artists, and other seamy users let you know who they are. Edited February 9 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Falcao Posted February 9 Author Share Posted February 9 9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately that's not true. Many charlatans, con artists, and other seamy users let you know who they are. Yeah it's obviously part of the act. Part of my motivation for writing this thread other than to get advice myself is that hopefully if someone is searching the internet, like I was last year and wondering what's going on, then hopefully they find this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 1 hour ago, Falcao said: Thank you for your advice. Yes I'm still together with my wife but nothing has really changed on that front. Our kids have grown up and gone off to university, I think that has a lot to do with my mindset. I have a particularly strong relationship with one of them who left just before all of this started. On the second point I remember looking for advice on that when it all started, places like Reddit have many users who have been through similar things. The advice people gave was to ask for personal information from them because they generally won't give it out. In this case she was happy to do so but unfortunately it seems that's part of the manipulation. If your kids have flown the nest then they're no longer a factor in your relationship, right? The relationship isn't working for you. Doesn't mean you have to grin and bear it. Is marital counselling an option? What about separation? One of the things that struck me in your post was the bit where you said she got sick and disappeared for a few weeks. You realize that was part of her technique, right? She didn't actually get sick. She disappeared to create a sense of yearning in you. The goal was to make you more receptive to whatever she proposed when she resurfaced. And it worked: You gave her your WhatsApp and she started making the demands for money. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Falcao Posted February 9 Author Share Posted February 9 4 hours ago, Acacia98 said: If your kids have flown the nest then they're no longer a factor in your relationship, right? The relationship isn't working for you. Doesn't mean you have to grin and bear it. Is marital counselling an option? What about separation? One of the things that struck me in your post was the bit where you said she got sick and disappeared for a few weeks. You realize that was part of her technique, right? She didn't actually get sick. She disappeared to create a sense of yearning in you. The goal was to make you more receptive to whatever she proposed when she resurfaced. And it worked: You gave her your WhatsApp and she started making the demands for money. We have been to counselling before and I never really found it helpful to be honest. I need to get this rubbish out of my system and then I can take a fresh look at my marriage. We are due to move house in a few months, we are downsizing so hopefully a fresh start. About the "illness" yes it has crossed my mind. I remember at the time thinking "here we go she's going to ask for money to cover medical bills" and it never happened. So yes it probably was exactly as you say. I think they are trained to do these things by the studios that they work at. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 20 hours ago, Falcao said: About the "illness" yes it has crossed my mind. Or maybe she went on holiday with her actual boyfriend (or husband), funded by other men just like you. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 (edited) On 2/7/2024 at 1:48 PM, Falcao said: I've used a webcam site on and off for years. It started years ago when I had trouble in my marriage and my wife had become distant. Years later I found out she had cheated but agreed to stay because we had two young kids who I adore. At the time we didn't have much money so didn't have much to give the performers in tips. Well, two wrongs don't make a right, and obviously seeking solace in a live feed webcam online, to solve your problems in any way, shape or form is unhealthy for yourself, and your children, far less your wife. Was your webcam darling completely cognizant that you were married and of falling in love with you? Perhaps your wife found out what you were up to, hence the 'distant' situation, and the beginning of unfaithfulness. You also did not make clear to the webcam wifey your intentions. Since you do contemplate leaving your wife, wifey would obviously think she might stand a chance, and, plausibly set her pricing accordingly. That should be a bad penny in your pocket. Don't ever send money to anybody you don't know unless you are a 'Benevolent Billionaire'. In addition, never, ever ever swear to or express 'mutual love' to and for someone whom you do not know in person and has so many unknowns. That could be like driving on a mirage laden desert. Edited February 10 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Author Falcao Posted February 10 Author Share Posted February 10 1 hour ago, Alpacalia said: Well, two wrongs don't make a right, and obviously seeking solace in a live feed webcam online, to solve your problems in any way, shape or form is unhealthy for yourself, and your children, far less your wife. Was your webcam darling completely cognizant that you were married and of falling in love with you? Perhaps your wife found out what you were up to, hence the 'distant' situation, and the beginning of unfaithfulness. You also did not make clear to the webcam wifey your intentions. Since you do contemplate leaving your wife, wifey would obviously think she might stand a chance, and, plausibly set her pricing accordingly. That should be a bad penny in your pocket. Don't ever send money to anybody you don't know unless you are a 'Benevolent Billionaire'. In addition, never, ever ever swear to or express 'mutual love' to and for someone whom you do not know in person and has so many unknowns. That could be like driving on a mirage laden desert. To clear up the timeline of things as my original post is a bit of a ramble. It was over 15 years ago, when the kids were young, when when my wife became distant she was leaving the house most nights and going to her friends house. It came to light in the years since that she and her friend were on dating sites where she met a man and traveled to spend a weekend with him. This was when I originally would use these sites after I'd put the kids to bed. As I said I rediscovered them about 2 years ago by chance and met the girl about 6 months later. So to be clear my wife's infidelity had nothing to do with me using these sites. For what it's worth the web cam girl knows everything about my life and I never hid anything from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts