Beautiful Kisses Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 Me and my fiancé has been together going on 3 years and more and more he dislikes my friends when I ask him why for the most part he says “I just dont”. He always tell me he wants me all to himself and don’t want to share me with “anyone” he wants all my time and attention. he said he’s selfish and possessive over me because he never had anybody to love and I just need to “understand that”. Whenever my phone buzz and we’re on the phone he gets annoyed and ask me who’s texting me and tell me to “pay attention to him”. It’s getting to the point where he told me he don’t want me going out at all even if it’s dinner with my favorite cousin 😞 I work a lot and go to school I just wanna have fun sometimes! He also told me I’m not allowed to go to the gym because he don’t want nobody checking me out and I just wanna “be seen” We’re getting married soon in April should I hold off or what? Anytime I say I need a break he threatens to harm me or himself. I love him I don’t wanna give up on him I know he has abandonment issues from his mom but it’s starting to get to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 25 minutes ago, Beautiful Kisses said: he said he’s selfish and possessive over me because he never had anybody to love and I just need to “understand that”. Whenever my phone buzz and we’re on the phone he gets annoyed and ask me who’s texting me and tell me to “pay attention to him”. It’s getting to the point where he told me he don’t want me going out at all I’m not allowed to go to the gym. I say I need a break he threatens to harm me or himself. I Please read up on warning signs of abusive relationships. He has almost all of them. Talk to trusted friends and family about the bizarre isolation and control. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 (edited) This is an abusive relationship, OP. He is controlling you, trying to isolate you, and has threatened to hurt you if you don't give in to his demands. None of this is normal, and it's the sign you need to get away from him for good. 44 minutes ago, Beautiful Kisses said: We’re getting married soon in April should I hold off or what? Go a step further and call it off completely - not just the wedding, but the whole relationship. Edited February 8, 2024 by ExpatInItaly 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 You should end the relationship. Have you told your friends and family what's going on? If not, you should. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 i agree with the other posters. This is bad. He is trying to isolate you. he's not doing this out of love; he's delusional, sick & controlling. Once you walk down the aisle the violence will start & you will have no one to turn to. Postpone the wedding at least. Get some serious premarital counseling & make his controlling demands a meaningful topic of discussion with the counselor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautiful Kisses Posted February 8, 2024 Author Share Posted February 8, 2024 6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is an abusive relationship, OP. He is controlling you, trying to isolate you, and has threatened to hurt you if you don't give in to his demands. None of this is normal, and it's the sign you need to get away from him for good. Go a step further and call it off completely - not just the wedding, but the whole relationship. I feel like I shouldn’t just give up so quickly. He’s very loving caring and protective over me I don’t think he abuses me he just might be scared I’m gonna give them all my time. Do you have better ideas on how I can reassure him? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 Just now, Beautiful Kisses said: . Do you have better ideas on how I can reassure him? He doesn't want reassurance. He wants total control. My best advice is what I said: Get premarital counseling. Ask that person to discuss his need for control with you both. I promise that if you marry this man the way things stand you will end up in a hospital after he beats the snot out of you for merely saying thank you to some guy in a service industry who handed you your food. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautiful Kisses Posted February 8, 2024 Author Share Posted February 8, 2024 6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is an abusive relationship, OP. He is controlling you, trying to isolate you, and has threatened to hurt you if you don't give in to his demands. None of this is normal, and it's the sign you need to get away from him for good. Go a step further and call it off completely - not just the wedding, but the whole relationship. We’re supposed to get married in April if I call it off that will break his heart. He’s really loving and caring I just think he’s scared of me leaving him because his mom did and I’m sorry for that smh. I told him my friend thinks we should wait and I should date more and he said I don’t need somebody like that around me I stood up for myself and told him not everybody has the same opinion about everything and I know this specific friend does not have a good view on marriage and that’s ok that’s her. But I don’t like the feeling of him being mad at me. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 7 hours ago, Beautiful Kisses said: Anytime I say I need a break he threatens to harm me or himself. For goodness sake, don’t marry this guy!!! First, anyone who tries to isolate you from friends and family is controlling and scary abusive. Second, threatening to harm you or self-harm when you don’t shower him with attention - that is not ok. That’s controlling, manipulative, and scary abusive. Talk to someone - a friend, your sister, your mother, your grandmother, a counsellor… and leave this man. DO NOT MARRY HIM. This is not “cute” and he does not love you “so much that he wants you all to himself.” These are really scary red flags and you need to heed them. Today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautiful Kisses Posted February 8, 2024 Author Share Posted February 8, 2024 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: He doesn't want reassurance. He wants total control. My best advice is what I said: Get premarital counseling. Ask that person to discuss his need for control with you both. I promise that if you marry this man the way things stand you will end up in a hospital after he beats the snot out of you for merely saying thank you to some guy in a service industry who handed you your food. Really? That’s scary I wasn’t even thinking far about to physical abuse because of his jealousy over my friends. But now that you say that one time I went out to my car for something and coming back a nice guy held the door for me and I just politely smiled and said thank you and when I looked up he was looking at me with this mad look on his face I said “what’s wrong baby?” And he said oh you’re too friendly I said how and he said how I was smiling at that guy and I told him I wasn’t but he was convinced I was and said “don’t get f Ed up” I just laughed it off and he was like I’m serious then I got serious about it and said you would really hit me for something like that and he said wow I was joking so I said oh ok and left it like that. I will bring up the counseling but I’m nervous about his reaction just to let you know Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 4 minutes ago, Beautiful Kisses said: If I call it off that will break his heart. I don’t like the feeling of him being mad at me. How do we know this is an abusive relationship? Because his needs are already more important than yours, you are scared of his moods, and you are walking on eggshells to keep him happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautiful Kisses Posted February 8, 2024 Author Share Posted February 8, 2024 2 minutes ago, BaileyB said: For goodness sake, don’t marry this guy!!! First, anyone who tries to isolate you from friends and family is controlling and scary abusive. Second, threatening to harm you or self-harm when you don’t shower him with attention - that is not ok. That’s controlling, manipulative, and scary abusive. Talk to someone - a friend, your sister, your mother, your grandmother, a counsellor… and leave this man. DO NOT MARRY HIM. This is not “cute” and he does not love you “so much that he wants you all to himself.” These are really scary red flags and you need to heed them. Today. I’m gonna talk to him about marriage counseling first before we get married and see what he says. I’m nervous thinking about it tho because I don’t wanna argue I don’t like it. But I’ll bring it up. I would talk to them about it but I don’t want them to look at him in a bad light if we stay together and they say keep your family out your relationship you know Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautiful Kisses Posted February 8, 2024 Author Share Posted February 8, 2024 6 hours ago, basil67 said: You should end the relationship. Have you told your friends and family what's going on? If not, you should. No I haven’t. I don’t want them to judge me if I stay Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Beautiful Kisses said: I will bring up the counseling but I’m nervous about his reaction just to let you know And you should be. You can't marry somebody like this. Why would you stay with a man like this? Your friends & family want to help you. He's scary & dangerous. Edited February 8, 2024 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 19 minutes ago, Beautiful Kisses said: He’s really loving and caring Even monsters and criminals are loving and caring at times. Even men physically abusing their wife/gf can be loving and caring. The good does not compensate for that type of bad. Your boyfriend is a very controlling man and once you are married this will escalate to physical abuse because he will feel once married that he owes you. You are not telling your family and friends because you know deep down that what he's doing is wrong. There is nothing you can do to change him, he is wired that way. Be ready to lose all of your friends and never go out again. Some men get so bad you won't even be allowed to go grocery shopping without them. Why you don't like arguing with him? Because he gets nasty with you? Yes, usually we keep family out of our relationship business but NEVER when it's about abuse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautiful Kisses Posted February 8, 2024 Author Share Posted February 8, 2024 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: Even monsters and criminals are loving and caring at times. Even men physically abusing their wife/gf can be loving and caring. The good does not compensate for that type of bad. Your boyfriend is a very controlling man and once you are married this will escalate to physical abuse because he will feel once married that he owes you. You are not telling your family and friends because you know deep down that what he's doing is wrong. There is nothing you can do to change him, he is wired that way. Be ready to lose all of your friends and never go out again. Some men get so bad you won't even be allowed to go grocery shopping without them. Why you don't like arguing with him? Because he gets nasty with you? Yes, usually we keep family out of our relationship business but NEVER when it's about abuse. Yea he gets very nasty and say I’m choosing them over him and if I love him and really on his side when he tell me he doesn’t like someone I should be done with them right then and there. So I told him you don’t like anybody and he said so what so he said he’s gonna treat me like he treats them if I wanna choose my friends over him smh Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 Loving and caring men don’t threaten to harm their partners if they don’t comply. This man is dangerous. Not loving or caring. Marrying him would be an enormous mistake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 1 minute ago, Beautiful Kisses said: Yea he gets very nasty and say I’m choosing them over him and if I love him and really on his side when he tell me he doesn’t like someone I should be done with them right then and there. So I told him you don’t like anybody and he said so what so he said he’s gonna treat me like he treats them if I wanna choose my friends over him smh Oh boy. These are major red flags. When your friends & your BF don't get along, that is a problem. If it's just 1 person then it is a personality conflict but when it's everybody that is a problem. You are hiding these bad parts of this guy from your family because you know they will tell you what we are telling you: run! In a good, healthy, loving & supportive relationship there is room for romance / marriage / spouse and friends. His desire to keep you all to himself is isolating. He is not a nice person. You know this which is why you tip toe around him & try not to upset him because you fear him. Why do you want to marry somebody you are afraid of? Think how you will feel if he treats your future kids like this. Wake up! This is not love. You are not on your way to happily ever after. You are on your way to be used a punching bag & then an early grave. Get out now while you can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 (edited) 38 minutes ago, Beautiful Kisses said: I’m gonna talk to him about marriage counseling first before we get married and see what he says. Don’t waste your time and money. You can’t “fix” an abuser. Your best option is to get out - leave. Individual counselling would be a better plan, but very unlikely he would attend. Edited February 8, 2024 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 (edited) 40 minutes ago, Beautiful Kisses said: No I haven’t. I don’t want them to judge me if I stay That tells me that you know something is wrong, even as you defend and excuse his behavior and rather innocently declare your intention to stay… Edited February 8, 2024 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 My young cousin married a guy like yours. He was extremely jealous and possessive of her. He too hated her friends and was jealous of her family's relationship with her. She married him anyway. She always dressed really cute and had a banging body. She was 22 when they married and he made her donate her clothes to Goodwill and wear long dresses that covered her from head to toe. No more makeup, and hair in a bun, and only allowed down when she was home with him. She fell pregnant and the stress was so great that she decided to leave him and go to her parents. She did everything she could do to hide from him, but he made it his mission to find her. Finally he saw her car and followed her into a parking garage of a hospital where she had a doctor's appointment. He ran to the car, pulled her out and started beating her up. He knocked out her front teeth and then threw her off the 3rd floor of the parking garage. She was admitted to the hospital, didn't lose the baby, but we had to have a special code just to visit her . Sorry to say OP, but hearing your story now sounds just like my cousin's before she married her abusive husband. Please don't marry that guy or you may end up like my cousin. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 (edited) You know this is wrong and that is why you are here this morning. NO amount of love and patience will make this man change. What you see is the tip of the iceberg, he will get worse once married. During the past 3 years he slowly got complete control over you, that's how they proceed. They get in your head little by little and you always excuse him along the way thinking he does that because he loves you so much. Then 3 years later you find yourself in a full blown abusive relationship and you wonder how you got there. Yes, this is abuse. He's isolating you from your friends and family, he's controlling your whereabouts, he's ordering you, he's nasty with you. Soon he will start grabbing your wrists....has he started doing that? like the mental abuse he will soon starts his physical abuse by grabbing your wrists, grabbing your arm, giving you a push, throwing something at you....and you will excuse all that because he did not really hit you, that's what you'll tell yourself. Then one day he'll hit you right in the face. You will be shocked, he'll say he's so sorry but you made him do it. You will excuse him and think...oh it was just this one time. And so on, and so on. Here is what you do. You go to your mom & dad. You tell them that your boyfriend has been abusing for a long time now and you want to breakup but you need their help and support. They will support you 100%!!! Everybody will be proud of you for standing up for yourself!! Edited February 8, 2024 by Gaeta 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautiful Kisses Posted February 8, 2024 Author Share Posted February 8, 2024 3 hours ago, stillafool said: My young cousin married a guy like yours. He was extremely jealous and possessive of her. He too hated her friends and was jealous of her family's relationship with her. She married him anyway. She always dressed really cute and had a banging body. She was 22 when they married and he made her donate her clothes to Goodwill and wear long dresses that covered her from head to toe. No more makeup, and hair in a bun, and only allowed down when she was home with him. She fell pregnant and the stress was so great that she decided to leave him and go to her parents. She did everything she could do to hide from him, but he made it his mission to find her. Finally he saw her car and followed her into a parking garage of a hospital where she had a doctor's appointment. He ran to the car, pulled her out and started beating her up. He knocked out her front teeth and then threw her off the 3rd floor of the parking garage. She was admitted to the hospital, didn't lose the baby, but we had to have a special code just to visit her . Sorry to say OP, but hearing your story now sounds just like my cousin's before she married her abusive husband. Please don't marry that guy or you may end up like my cousin. I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to your cousin she didn’t deserve that 🥹 nobody does. Thankfully the baby survived 🙏🏽 did he ever end up leaving her completely alone? This really mad me sad to hear. I pray this never happens to me it was definitely eye opening Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 8, 2024 Share Posted February 8, 2024 Just now, Beautiful Kisses said: I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to your cousin she didn’t deserve that 🥹 nobody does. Thankfully the baby survived 🙏🏽 did he ever end up leaving her completely alone? This really mad me sad to hear. I pray this never happens to me it was definitely eye opening My cousin and her baby now live in another state. She was able to get a divorce, he went to jail. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautiful Kisses Posted February 8, 2024 Author Share Posted February 8, 2024 (edited) 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: You know this is wrong and that is why you are here this morning. NO amount of love and patience will make this man change. What you see is the tip of the iceberg, he will get worse once married. During the past 3 years he slowly got complete control over you, that's how they proceed. They get in your head little by little and you always excuse him along the way thinking he does that because he loves you so much. Then 3 years later you find yourself in a full blown abusive relationship and you wonder how you got there. Yes, this is abuse. He's isolating you from your friends and family, he's controlling your whereabouts, he's ordering you, he's nasty with you. Soon he will start grabbing your wrists....has he started doing that? like the mental abuse he will soon starts his physical abuse by grabbing your wrists, grabbing your arm, giving you a push, throwing something at you....and you will excuse all that because he did not really hit you, that's what you'll tell yourself. Then one day he'll hit you right in the face. You will be shocked, he'll say he's so sorry but you made him do it. You will excuse him and think...oh it was just this one time. And so on, and so on. Here is what you do. You go to your mom & dad. You tell them that your boyfriend has been abusing for a long time now and you want to breakup but you need their help and support. They will support you 100%!!! Everybody will be proud of you for standing up for yourself!! Hi thanks for answering. My dad passed away last year sadly so I don’t have him anymore 😞 and my mom is always so busy with her own life and she’s been so miserable since her and my step dad separated she’s just constantly negative tbh. I have a good relationship with my grandma but she’s currently in the hospital and I don’t wanna stress her out but I definitely took what you said thought. Something you said made me think of a situation last year I completely overlooked and maybe it wasn’t nothing but I’ll tell you and you maybe you can clarify if that wasn’t what you’re meaning or is. So we went to event and he wanted to sit in the back I didn’t smh but we kinda had a little back n fourth nothing crazy I was getting upset because he was just in a bad mood and called me a B. I was getting up to step outside for a little and he grabbed me by my throat hard but not a full choke (I know it sounds crazy just hard to explain) and mumbled to me with his teeth cliched “to sit back down” he said if I left he would cause a scene so I sat back down. When I asked him why would he do that he said he wanted to hurry up and grab me so people didn’t think we was mad at each other or gonna fight it was his “instinct” to sit me down now to grab me like that. He was convincing in telling me why would I “choke you for that”? So I left it alone. There was one other time after that he “jokingly” choked me when we were playing around and I told him to stop it was too tight and he could cause me to pass out and he did. Every since then it hasn’t happened again Edited February 8, 2024 by Beautiful Kisses Added in a word Link to post Share on other sites
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