Fiancé hates all my friends what should I do?

[Beautiful Kisses]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

My cousin and her baby now live in another state.  She was able to get a divorce, he went to jail.

Oh thank God! I’m so happy she got away! That made me feel better I was scared 

[Versacehottie]

need to read the thread beside the OP....butttttt, I would seriously reassess the relationship. I'm guessing if you really do that, you will decide not to get married. I would not marry someone under these circumstances. Too much friction, too much victimhood and manipulation. His past is not an excuse for present behavior. Good luck

[Gaeta]

52 minutes ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

I was getting up to step outside for a little and he grabbed me by my throat hard but not a full choke  (I know it sounds crazy just hard to explain) and mumbled to me with his teeth cliched “to sit back down”

That is exactly what I was explaining to you. 

So the physical abuse has already started. This will come back, it always come back. 

I am very sorry that you have lost your dad last year! Do you think your dad would want his little girl to be with an abusive man like your boyfriend? What would your dad think of this man grabbing you by the throat? 

You need to get out of this relationship ASAP. 

So your mom feels miserable, that does not mean you are not important to her! If she knew you are being abused it may just give her the kick in the rear to wakeup from her own little drama. If you do not want to confine in her then I beg you to contact a domestic abuse hotline and tell them  you need guidance to get out of this relationship. 

Beautiful Kisses: You do not want to marry this man. You may be blind to the abuse but one day he will transfer his abuse onto your children. Snapping at them, calling them the B word, grabbing them. 

Edited February 8, 2024 by Gaeta

[ShyViolet]

It is not normal for a man to be this controlling and posessive over his partner.  This is not okay and it is an ABUSIVE relationship.  It would be extremely foolish of you to marry this guy.  This is a dangerous situation.  You really need to work on your self-esteem and your ability to recognize red flags in relationships.  You should not have been allowing this to continue.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

 I

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was getting upset because he was just in a bad mood and called me a B.

This too is abuse when he calls you a b**** because you show displeasure.  You have every right to state how you feel without the fear of being called names.

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I was getting up to step outside for a little and he grabbed me by my throat hard but not a full choke  (I know it sounds crazy just hard to explain) and mumbled to me with his teeth cliched “to sit back down” he said if I left he would cause a scene so I sat back down.

This is how it starts (physical abuse) the grabbing, choking and teeth clinching from anger.  He did this in a public place so you can imagine what will happen later when you do something that really upsets him, which happens in any long term relationship or marriage.

 

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When I asked him why would he do that he said he wanted to hurry up and grab me so people didn’t think we was mad at each other or gonna fight it was his “instinct” to sit me down now to grab me like that.

Does that make any sense to you?  I think him grabbing you by your throat would make people think he's going to hit you next.  His excuse doesn't fly.

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He was convincing in telling me why would I “choke you for that”? So I left it alone. There was one other time after that he “jokingly” choked me when we were playing around and I told him to stop it was too tight and he could cause me to pass out and he did.  

He has a thing for choking I see.  What will happen when he's not playing is the question you need to ask yourself.

After marriage he will go to work on your self esteem to keep you in line.  If that doesn't work he will start the physical abuse so that fear will keep you in line.  At that point you'll be so miserable that you will start losing weight, face breaking out, hair loss from the stress.  I've seen this time and time again.  Please believe me.

[d0nnivain]

6 hours ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

 He’s very loving caring and protective over me I don’t think he abuses me 

You're wrong.  He is not loving or protecting.  He is abusive.  We are trying to make sure you don't end up DEAD wrong.  I'm serious & literal. 

 

 

1 hour ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

Something you said made me think of a situation last year I completely overlooked and maybe it wasn’t nothing but I’ll tell you and you maybe you can clarify if that wasn’t what you’re meaning or is. So we went to event and he wanted to sit in the back I didn’t smh but we kinda had a little back n fourth nothing crazy I was getting upset because he was just in a bad mood and called me a B. I was getting up to step outside for a little and he grabbed me by my throat hard but not a full choke  (I know it sounds crazy just hard to explain) and mumbled to me with his teeth cliched “to sit back down” he said if I left he would cause a scene so I sat back down. When I asked him why would he do that he said he wanted to hurry up and grab me so people didn’t think we was mad at each other or gonna fight it was his “instinct” to sit me down now to grab me like that. He was convincing in telling me why would I “choke you for that”? So I left it alone. There was one other time after that he “jokingly” choked me when we were playing around and I told him to stop it was too tight and he could cause me to pass out and he did. Every since then it hasn’t happened again 

I am sorry about your dad.  Talk to your mom.  She is not too busy for this. 

That fact that your FI has physically assaulted you twice is proof he will do it again & worse if you continue with him. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

he grabbed me by my throat

I forgot to say: What he did there was a sh$t test. Physically grabbing you, putting pressure but not too much pressure, just to test if you'll take it. And you did take it. What that tells him is he can physically abuse you and you won't leave him. Next time he will press harder, hurt you and leave a mark. 

[Beautiful Kisses]

20 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You're wrong.  He is not loving or protecting.  He is abusive.  We are trying to make sure you don't end up DEAD wrong.  I'm serious & literal. 

 

 

I am sorry about your dad.  Talk to your mom.  She is not too busy for this. 

That fact that your FI has physically assaulted you twice is proof he will do it again & worse if you continue with him. 

I told him that we can’t do it in April I just can’t after reading these comments (I didn’t tell him that I came on here asking about how he’s been acting) but I’m just too scared now. He said he doesn’t care about his life anymore and he doesn’t care to even breathe any longer. I didn’t let that get to me I just told him he needs to stop. He said obviously everybody around me has an influence on me and I led him on which I definitely didn’t it was just something inside wondering if I should make this decision and clearly I shouldn’t. At least not for a while. I will like to try counseling but he already said he won’t do it. He said I need to put the work in we can do it together not somebody else do it for us which makes no sense because in therapy they make you do all the work for the most part they just listen

[stillafool]

He doesn't want to go to counseling with you because he knows the counselor will see right through him.  Forget counseling.   He's not going to change.  If he doesn't care about his life he cares even less about yours.  Get away from him before he does something desperate.

[smackie9]

14 hours ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

Me and my fiancé has been together going on 3 years and more and more he dislikes my friends when I ask him why for the most part he says “I just dont”. He always tell me he wants me all to himself and don’t want to share me with “anyone” he wants all my time and attention. he said he’s selfish and possessive over me because he never had anybody to love and I just need to “understand that”. Whenever my phone buzz and we’re on the phone he gets annoyed and ask me who’s texting me and tell me to “pay attention to him”. It’s getting to the point where he told me he don’t want me going out at all even if it’s dinner with my favorite cousin 😞 I work a lot and go to school I just wanna have fun sometimes! He also told me I’m not allowed to go to the gym because he don’t want nobody checking me out and I just wanna “be seen” We’re getting married soon in April should I hold off or what? Anytime I say I need a break he threatens to harm me or himself. I love him I don’t wanna give up on him I know he has abandonment issues from his mom but it’s starting to get to me. 

Then tell him to get into therapy because you are not going to live like this. 

[sbarnes02]

It's important to try to understand why your fiance dislikes your friends. Is there a specific incident that occurred or a personality clash? Have you tried to have an open and honest conversation with your fiance about their feelings? It's possible that there may be underlying issues that need to be addressed. If you feel that your friends are important to you and that your fiance's dislike is unwarranted, you should communicate this to them. It's important to maintain a balance between your relationship and your friendships. Perhaps you can try to find a compromise or solution that works for both you and your fiance. Ultimately, it's important to remember that you should not have to choose between your friends and your fiance. It's possible to have a healthy and happy relationship while maintaining close friendships. However, if your fiance's dislike is causing significant strain on your relationship, it may be worth seeking the advice of a professional counselor or therapist to work through these issues together.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, sbarnes02 said:

It's important to try to understand why your fiance dislikes your friends. Is there a specific incident that occurred or a personality clash?

How old are you two?  Does your fiancé know you were romantically involved with a woman?  Could that be why?

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

Oh thank God! I’m so happy she got away! That made me feel better I was scared 

You should be scared - for yourself. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she attempts to leave the relationship. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't waste your money on counselling to fix this relationship. 

Invest in counselling for yourself, to get out of this relationship. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

I told him my friend thinks we should wait and I should date more and he said I don’t need somebody like that around me

Kindly, you would be wise to not quote your friends at him.  If he knows which friends have opinions, he will further alienate you from them.  You quoting them is exactly the reason he doesn't like them.    

Heck, even in a great relationship, don't go quoting negative opinions from your friends.  What is said between you and your friends stays between you and your friends.   If you agree with your friend, then present the idea as your own.

 

 

[basil67]

About relationship counselling, it is NOT recommended for abusive relationships.  Why?  Because in counselling you will express your vulnerabilities and the abuser will use that against you.   Alternately, the abuser will promise to do what you need, and do that for a few weeks until you relax, then they will drop the facade.  

Either way, relationship counselling is bad for people in your situation.

If you must do counselling, go on your own and don't repeat anything the counsellor says about him or his behaviour.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

I told him that we can’t do it in April I just can’t after reading these comments (I didn’t tell him that I came on here asking about how he’s been acting) but I’m just too scared now. He said he doesn’t care about his life anymore and he doesn’t care to even breathe any longer. I didn’t let that get to me I just told him he needs to stop. He said obviously everybody around me has an influence on me and I led him on which I definitely didn’t it was just something inside wondering if I should make this decision and clearly I shouldn’t. At least not for a while. I will like to try counseling but he already said he won’t do it. He said I need to put the work in we can do it together not somebody else do it for us which makes no sense because in therapy they make you do all the work for the most part they just listen

I am glad you are seeing his game. 

What he is doing, again, is trying to control you. Instead of being sensitive to how you feel he is dismissing you and your feelings - your feelings do not count at all for him. It's all about him and what he wants. 

Forget about counseling with him. Abusive men need YEARS of introspections to beat their demons, some only start understanding in their 60s. 

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

 I’m just too scared now. He said he doesn’t care about his life anymore and he doesn’t care to even breathe any longer. I didn’t let that get to me I just told him he needs to stop. He said obviously everybody around me has an influence on me and I led him on 

You should be scared!  I am so glad you are waking up to the very scary truth.  What he's doing now, telling that others are influencing you & that he doesn't care to breathe is more manipulation.  Don't fall for it. 

[Beautiful Kisses]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

How old are you two?  Does your fiancé know you were romantically involved with a woman?  Could that be why?

Yea he knows that was years ago i have no contact with her and I don’t keep secrets from him about my past. 

[Beautiful Kisses]

21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You should be scared!  I am so glad you are waking up to the very scary truth.  What he's doing now, telling that others are influencing you & that he doesn't care to breathe is more manipulation.  Don't fall for it. 

I told him it’s manipulation. I’m standing my ground 

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

I told him it’s manipulation. I’m standing my ground 

Be careful to not poke the beast.  Removing yourself quietly could be safer for you

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

I told him it’s manipulation. I’m standing my ground 

You stand your ground by breaking up. And do not let anyone treat you like this anymore! You should have dropped him the very first time he was controling with you. 

I see in your profile you are 25-30 and a nurse. You are wasting the best years of your life on an abuser. The man in your life should be kind and understanding, nothing less.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

Yea he knows that was years ago i have no contact with her and I don’t keep secrets from him about my past. 

I was going to say if he's aware that's one reason he doesn't like your friends.  He's doesn't trust them around you and vice versa.  He views them as competition.

[Beautiful Kisses]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I was going to say if he's aware that's one reason he doesn't like your friends.  He's doesn't trust them around you and vice versa.  He views them as competition.

I’m not into women anymore and none of the friends he doesn’t like are either it has nothing to do with that whatsoever 

[stillafool]

34 minutes ago, Beautiful Kisses said:

I’m not into women anymore and none of the friends he doesn’t like are either it has nothing to do with that whatsoever 

It doesn't matter that you are no longer into that or that they never were and aren't now.  I'm telling you he still views them as a threat to his marriage.  That is why he hates them and doesn't want you around them.  Of course he isn't going to come right out and tell you that, it would make him look weak.