Am I being a terrible partner? Should I be more supportive despite it damaging my mental health?

[michaelalexander007]

(TW: major illness)

Hi all, 

I'll try my best to be brief. I'm in my late 30s, I've been with my partner (early 30s, F) for four years now. We live together in a major city where I had to move for work. My partner is freelancing, so it made sense at the time and she made the move with me.

Ever since we started dating, my partner has been involved in helping out her uncle who's been dealing with a recurring autoimmune disease. He's single, has no kids or partner, and he's been receiving treatment for his condition for the past two years plus. My partner has been trying to help him get the best treatment out there as he has a very specific type of illness, and has spent endless time and resources travelling back and forth and being there in every possible sense.

All of this is absolutely commendable, and I've tried to be extremely supportive through various means, from emotional to practical matters (paying the entire rent, picking up bills, even buying her flight tickets without asking for money back etc.). I've also spent time with her uncle going to different doctors, traveling with him to get a second opinion, etc. Obviously, I've been immensely involved as well. I've never brought it up or mentioned it. I'm not doing it for a medal or brownie points. He's family. You help if you can. 

Recently, his condition has gotten much worse and he ended up in the ICU about a month ago. My partner immediately flew back to her hometown and has been there since. I had to stay back with a view of going too if need be. The outcome is uncertain, and while there are good days, it's mostly been downhill. We're all hoping that things might improve, and the doctors are doing their best. However, no one knows for sure what went wrong and how or what the outcome might be, which is creating additional stress on everyone, my partner the most.

This is where I started feeling terrible because I'm getting stressed out of my mind. My partner literally constantly messages me with the grimmest thoughts she has. She also calls me multiple times at all hours (not an issue on its own, of course) and the conversations are essentially her repeating everything that the doctors said several times, all kinds of dark scenarios regarding her uncle, crying, screaming... You get the picture. She spends her whole day at the hospital, and she's been having a hard time coping in a healthy way, or rather, isn't coping at all. I've not had a few hours let alone half a day or a day to myself and my thoughts or things on my to-do. I know you might not believe me, but trust me. It's constant. There's no other conversation. She doesn't even ask how I'm doing or what's new etc. It's just her uncle's condition and how unfair and awful it's been, 24/7.

As a consequence, I've been almost not sleeping, I can barely get through the day without getting anxious, I worry about both her and her uncle all the time, and I dread those messages and calls because they're so emotionally painful and difficult it's been messing with me and my wellbeing. All I've been doing is going to work and walking the dog. There are days when I don't eat or can't eat until 6 or 7 pm. My work is suffering. Meanwhile I've been trying to put on a brave face and be the voice of reason. I've tried telling her in the kindest of ways that everyone is doing their best, that her uncle needs time, that she needs to let the doctors do their thing and most importantly, that it's obvious she's nearing some sort of a breaking point and that if she continues doing this she's end up hospitalized or worse. I also don't think it's healthy that I'm the only person providing emotional support to her at the moment and I've tried to gently say she should reach out to her close friends and family but she's been largely dismissive about that. None of what I say is bearing any fruit at all.

This evening, I was invited by close friends of ours (who are aware of the situation) for dinner at their place. I guess they were trying to get me out of that headspace for at least a little, and I appreciate that. I didn't really feel like going but I didn't want to offend them by canceling so I went with a view of staying for a few hours etc. She called me crying while I was on the way over, sent me horribly depressing messages while I was there, and finally, got upset at me because I was still not done two hours later and couldn't leave immediately to pick up the phone and talk to her. At the same time, my friends made this amazing dinner to cheer me up and I felt like I'd be the world's biggest a-hole if I got up and left just like that. Just to emphasize, this is the first time I left the house for anything even remotely social in days, if not weeks. 

The way she's acting right now has really hurt my feelings, for one. There's simply only so much I can do for both her and her uncle as her partner and I feel like I've really been doing my best. There's nothing I'd want more than us not to have to go through this, and while I can't be there physically I've gone above and beyond to be there for her. Yet I can't help but feel guilty for even having these thoughts of telling her I'm having a hard time coping with everything she's been telling me because I'm feeling the consequences of this too and these dreadful conversations are getting to me and I can't eat or sleep or function like a normal human being. 

I still feel like I failed her somehow and I don't know what to do. Please help me understand this better. I really need it.

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

She needs to find a caregivers' support group to help her through this.  You are not that role at least not solely & to this debilitating extent.  You also need to emotionally detach from this situation because you can't fix it.  It's not within your power to heal / cure the uncle.  

[basil67]

I agree that she needs other support because she is asking far too much for you.  

Question is, how do you go about telling her this?  Perhaps something like: "about that night when I was with my friends...I'm doing my very best to support you, however given the intensity of your uncle's needs and the distress you're suffering, I'm not able to do all of your support on my own.  It's not OK to get upset at me when I have a night with my friends and can't be there instantly.  Also, the I'm having trouble coping with the level of support you require and it's also affecting my work, sleep and mental health.   I think it's time that you found either a carer's support group or a professional support, such as a counsellor because I can't do it all myself. 

Yep, she's gonna be pissed.  But remember that this is a perfectly reasonable request, so if the discussion gets out of hand, tell her you'll leave her to think about it for a bit and talk with her later.

Out of curiosity, is this out of character for her, or has she always been demanding?

[MsJayne]

An unpleasant experience for all concerned. I'm wondering why your girl is the one providing all the support, where's the rest of Uncle's family? Is your girl normally a drama queen or is it specifically a response to the stress and trauma? What she's doing is very unfair, dumping her stress on you, and while some of this is unavoidable in this kind of situation, it kind of sounds like she's getting her mileage out of the drama. You don't need multiple updates every day, and there's no need for the hysterics. Most people who are going through serious illness don't need their support people being overly emotional, it just makes things worse for them and increases their feelings of being a burden. You're not being selfish or an a**h***, you're having a normal response to someone constantly rattling your chain. Maybe try and explain to her how her behaviour is affecting you and that being over-emotional isn't in the best interest of her uncle, she needs to calm down and process what's happening rationally instead of treating every medical update like a front page scoop. 

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree that she needs other support because she is asking far too much for you.  

Question is, how do you go about telling her this?  Perhaps something like: "about that night when I was with my friends...I'm doing my very best to support you, however given the intensity of your uncle's needs and the distress you're suffering, I'm not able to do all of your support on my own.  It's not OK to get upset at me when I have a night with my friends and can't be there instantly.  Also, the I'm having trouble coping with the level of support you require and it's also affecting my work, sleep and mental health.   I think it's time that you found either a carer's support group or a professional support, such as a counsellor because I can't do it all myself. 

Yep, she's gonna be pissed.  But remember that this is a perfectly reasonable request, so if the discussion gets out of hand, tell her you'll leave her to think about it for a bit and talk with her later.

I absolutely agree.

[Gaeta]

Doesn't she have parents? Siblings? Other cousins? You can call and tell them you are at the end of your rope and someone from the family needs to punch in and help her.

You need to talk to her but l'm not sure she will be receptive in the state of mind she is but you need to try.

[Nawidimaq]

Are either of you seeking therapist help in this matter?  It sounds like you both need an outside professional to help you deal with the stresses of her uncle's impending death, she especially needs to look into mental health services for caregivers--she may be able to find something through the hospital.

To be frank with you, there is nothing resembling an effective support network for families of people going through end of life care/extended hospitalization.  Nothing.  Went through it 5 years ago and it was dismal. There is sooooo much information, rules, regulations & laws that regular people just do not know that they need to know. Each family has to pick up the ice pick, put on the crampons & jumars, grab the o2 bottles and haul themselves up that mountain, navigating their whole way up and back down.