How should we handle these arguements because of health issues?

[brokenbird]

Hi. I have no idea which topic I should post this at, because it is not a romantic problem, my partner only takes more part in this because I live with him. These heated arguements happen with everyone around me.

For the past about 5 months, I kept on getting these emotional breakdowns a day before I get my period. To the point where I become selfharming. I realized that this it not good, so I got checked out and I have a hormonal imbalance. I started treatment,but it takes around 2 months until it kicks in, and the "before period arguement" happened again. Around this time, I become sooo emotional that everything makes me feel like people hate me and dont care about me. I lashed out on my partner for not asking me what he could do for me, and a 3 hour arguement took place again. At this time, I feel like I am being ignored, so I say mean stuff and sometimes my partner gets back at me, until I start crying like a baby, and after like an hour he apologises. The same happens with my older sister. She has regulated periods, so she is not willing to understand why I act as if I am crazy. 

Let me clarify that these outbursts happen since around 5 months, before that, I had healthy periods and no screaming, cussing, irritation, etc. I have always had normal periods, something went wrong and my hormonal balance is completely off. I cant handle my words, tone, etc, and I feel like if people choose not to avoid me for those 1-2 days, then they should consider being calm around me and making me calm. Of course we can avoid each other, but they choose not to. I am mad mainly at my boyfriend and my sister, because I feel like that after 5 months, they should learn that I am not capable to control myself for a few days, or they should just simply avoid me. Rather they get irritated, and say means stuff back, and when I finally look like I will die from crying, they comfort me. The first month was hard with my Mom, too. So I decided to not even text or meet her for those days to avoid a fight. I know I will get better, but my next period is coming and the treatment still needs time, so I am terrified of another huge fight where my loved ones get so mad at me for being a crazy banshee that they hurt me with things like "you are insufferable". No s*** Sherlock, I know I am, I just cant help it. 

They also let me take ashwagandha, which will help ease my mind before my periods. I feel like a trainwreck, and the past few months really made me feel like I shouldnt even exist. 

I would also add that my relationship with my boyfriend, sister and mother is good. Only those 2 days that we have the worst fights. And yes, I do realize that if it only happens on those days, it must be because of me. But I told them many times : either please avoid me, or if you dont, do this and this instead, so I can keep my calm. They choose not to avoid me, yet they cant accept the things I need to not be a beach. When I am at that stage, I feel like everyone hates me, so I start with questions like "why cant you just ask me this, help with that" and it escalates quickly. Last month my sister told me I was more likeable when I was a teen, and I was a hard to handle teen, so this insult really hurt. She did apologise,but still. My boyfriend told me that I am an a**h***, which is true, I was actually an a**h***, but I couldnt help it. 

Believe me, I took my treatment seriously, because it interfered with my work life, too.

 

 

Edited February 10 by brokenbird

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I started treatment,but it takes around 2 months until it kicks in,

 

 

4 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I am not capable to control myself for a few days, or they should just simply avoid me.

If they don't avoid you during those few days when your hormones are off maybe you should make it your mission to avoid them.  Can you check into a hotel for those few days?  Since it will only be 2 months before your hormones are stabilized you will only have to stay in a hotel 2 times for a few days.  This way you can remain calm without being aggravated.  You can't expect others to accommodate you, you have to take care of yourself.

Edited February 10 by stillafool

[d0nnivain]

You may have the hormone imbalance but you still have to control yourself.   Perhaps write yourself a note in long hand  that you are loved & people don't hate.  Read it over & over again in the days before your period & especially when you feel like you are about to wig out.  Tell your partner to carry a copy of the note & give it to you when you are upset.  Get some therapy so you learn to manage your emotions better. 

[Els]

7 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I feel like that after 5 months, they should learn that I am not capable to control myself for a few days, or they should just simply avoid me.

It sucks to have health issues, but this is your responsibility, not theirs. This is not the first time it has happened, so why are YOU not taking steps to mitigate the problem while waiting for treatment to kick in? Maybe engage in more self care during that time, book some sessions of pampering or doing things you enjoy alone to get out of the house?

[brokenbird]

Ahh you guys are so right. 

You see, the reason for this mindset ⬇️

7 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I feel like that after 5 months, they should learn that I am not capable to control myself for a few days

comes from the state of the suicidal thoughts I have when those days happen. I feel like if I am depressed to the point that I truly feel like I should end my life, they could just bear with me for a day. I dont mean it in a way like serve me the whole day, just dont mind me if I act out (for example, kick the sofa because I dropped something, or raised my voice when the cant understand what I say) or ask me a few times if they can help. Because I cant just sit around when I have chores, I still do it even when I am phisically dead, but it makes me aggrevated and literally mad, so them taking those chores just for that day could make me calmer.

[d0nnivain]

You have to learn to self soothe.  Yes, it would be nice if they were more understanding & helpful but you can't change them.  All you can do is learn to master how you respond.  

[stillafool]

May I ask how do you manage your hormonal moods at work?   Are you the same way with your co-workers and boss?

[brokenbird]

So, my boss visits me like every 2 weeks, I dont really meet him. With my coworkers,it is kinda easy. They rarely talk, only ask the needed questions, which I can easily answer. Also I dont expect them to care for me , so I dont get bothered by the lack of their attention

What I meant by interfering with work life is mostly my mood. I hate to do my job because I feel so overwhelmed. Obviously I have to do it and I have a responsible job, so that irritates me even more that I dont even have breaks

Edited February 10 by brokenbird

[Els]

11 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Because I cant just sit around when I have chores, I still do it even when I am phisically dead, but it makes me aggrevated and literally mad, so them taking those chores just for that day could make me calmer.

Could you just outsource these chores for a few days? Hire a cleaner and get takeout? It's expensive, sure, but not as expensive as driving away everyone who cares about you.

That being said, does your partner not do his share of the chores? If he doesn't, that's a separate issue that needs to be addressed.

[brokenbird]

2 hours ago, Els said:

Could you just outsource these chores for a few days? Hire a cleaner and get takeout? It's expensive, sure, but not as expensive as driving away everyone who cares about you.

That being said, does your partner not do his share of the chores? If he doesn't, that's a separate issue that needs to be addressed.

Its already therapeutic to be here, because it feels like you guys try to understand me.

He does do his part, but he has his "schedule". He is outside most of the time because of his work, so he can get worned out. So on weekdays, first he sleeps after work, then comes the other stuff.He likes to hang around on weekends. He picks a weekday to clean everything up in one bite, and he does well. However, when I feel sick, I cant be around any undone chores. So when it is undone, I literally wake up swearing and hyping myself up even more.

The cleaner thing sounds good. My mother is a cleaning lady on the side, she always takes up new houses and Id be glad to pay her instead of someone else. I know she would probably help for free, but I couldnt expect it every month.

I have many health issues at the moment and I am quite down in the dumps. My mind state initiates arguements all the time, and ashwagandha also needs a few weeks to kick in. I know it is better than to take hardcore medicine, but sometimes it would feel good to just exist as a zombie...

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, brokenbird said:

 However, when I feel sick, I cant be around any undone chores. So when it is undone, I literally wake up swearing and hyping myself up even more.

This is ALL you.  If my partner acted like this & wigged out once a month over some chores, especially if my partner started to pick fights with me about behavior that is acceptable 3 other weeks per month, I'd end the relationship.  Seriously YOU need to find a solution because this is YOUR issue.  

 

I lived with a guy who always criticized because I couldn't clean to his exacting standards.  I was doing the best I could.  I offered to pay for a cleaning person.  He rejected that.  I simply stopped helping altogether because I resented getting screamed at for not meeting his definition of perfect.  It almost destroyed the relationship & did leave cracks in the foundation.  

Edited February 11 by d0nnivain

[Alpacalia]

If these incidents are as intense and disruptive for yourself and those around you why hasn't a therapist been brought in through all of this? The therapist can guide you when you get into that frame and come up with a plan that you can implement with your loved ones.

[brokenbird]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

If these incidents are as intense and disruptive for yourself and those around you why hasn't a therapist been brought in through all of this? The therapist can guide you when you get into that frame and come up with a plan that you can implement with your loved ones.

It has been. It doesnt really help. I live in a European country and prices for therepists are sooo high. The one I pay is not much of a help, so Im trying to get an insurance that covers another one 

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, brokenbird said:

It has been. It doesnt really help. I live in a European country and prices for therepists are sooo high. The one I pay is not much of a help, so Im trying to get an insurance that covers another one 

It's very unfortunate that services for mental health are so high. What about one that offers a sliding scale? It's certainly not my place to tell you where to go for your mental health needs, but one option for affordable mental health services is to look into community mental health centers. These centers provide low-cost or free mental health services on a sliding scale based on income. You can often find these centers by doing a quick search online or contacting your local health department. Additionally, some universities and colleges also offer low-cost mental health services through their psychology or counseling departments. Another option is to check with your insurance company to see if they cover any mental health services and what their network providers are.

I feel that if 5 months move the needle from nearly normal relationships with people you love to, essentially, tearing them a new one is a bit too much, and if this isn't fixed by the time the ashwagandha kicks in and levels your moods (which I understand can still take a while, especially if you are beefing up with supps/changing your diet), I'd reconsider hormones and see what can be done there.  So, it's important to continue communicating with your doctor and being proactive in finding resources, whether it's affordable mental health services or exploring other treatment options. Remember to also take care of yourself during this time, whether it's through relaxation techniques, exercise, or reaching out to supportive friends and family. You are not alone in this, and with time and treatment, things will get better.

[NuevoYorko]

You are not alone with this mood imbalance related to your cycle.   

I've read & posted on several of your threads.   You seem to have a big challenge regulating your emotions AND your behavior.

You CAN learn to regulate your behavior.  In all your threads there are some common themes.  Unfortunately one of them is that you typically expect other people to bend to your will or your mood swings, and you will say you "can't" do anything about it on your side.

You CAN.

Obviously you are aware of your pattern and have already sought medical help for it.

You aren't doing anything, unfortunately, about getting a hold of your behavior.  Frankly, it's bordering on abusive if not already there.   Most of the people with bad tempers and / or controlling tendencies feel like they don't have any control over themselves, just like you feel.  It's not a fact.

There are dozens of ways you can handle yourself that will prevent you from fighting with your friends and loved ones.  So far, you haven't explored any of them.  Instead you continue to expect others to behave in ways that won't trigger you.  In short - they all need to be walking on eggshells unless they are ready for a scene.

Please get some counseling that will address your behavioral issues.   WORK will be required of you if you would like to change these patterns.

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Please get some counseling that will address your behavioral issues.   WORK will be required of you if you would like to change these patterns.

You should heed these words and do the work to get better.  There is only so much abuse a person will take before they just up and leave.  If you don't do the work, more than likely you're going to end up alone.

[brokenbird]

17 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You are not alone with this mood imbalance related to your cycle.   

I've read & posted on several of your threads.   You seem to have a big challenge regulating your emotions AND your behavior.

You CAN learn to regulate your behavior.  In all your threads there are some common themes.  Unfortunately one of them is that you typically expect other people to bend to your will or your mood swings, and you will say you "can't" do anything about it on your side.

You CAN.

Obviously you are aware of your pattern and have already sought medical help for it.

You aren't doing anything, unfortunately, about getting a hold of your behavior.  Frankly, it's bordering on abusive if not already there.   Most of the people with bad tempers and / or controlling tendencies feel like they don't have any control over themselves, just like you feel.  It's not a fact.

There are dozens of ways you can handle yourself that will prevent you from fighting with your friends and loved ones.  So far, you haven't explored any of them.  Instead you continue to expect others to behave in ways that won't trigger you.  In short - they all need to be walking on eggshells unless they are ready for a scene.

Please get some counseling that will address your behavioral issues.   WORK will be required of you if you would like to change these patterns.

Atm Im trying to get a hold on my doctor to send me somewhere. I have an autistic friend who told me that my outbursts sound exactly like hers, and considering that she saw me grow up, she also said that some of my behaviors at my teen phase also suggest that I might be on the spectrum. My kineziologist, who cant diagnose medically, also suggested that I get checked for the spectrum, too. My other friend is at Uni, in psichology. She told me that chronic depression can caused all my phisical symptoms and the way I act, so I will make sure I get that checked out too. I really dont know, but I have way too much pain in my body and mind.