Wife works in all male industry, help!

[DaddyJay]

Okay let's start with some history.

- wife and I have been together for 16 Years. We have two kids (15) & (9)

- she is and extrovert, I am an introvert

- during the first couple years we fought alot struggling to make the relationship work for our son

- about 2 or 3 years into our relationship we both had an unfaithful moment And we tried to recover from it and stay together, again for our son and for ourselves

- we moved to a smaller city shortly after out "incidents" to try and start fresh

- we still fought on and off but not as much as we use to. i opened a business and was working 11 hour days 7 days a week so we hardly saw each other but talked on the phone  while she raised our child the best she could.

- We had our 2nd child and things were going good, still a bit of arguments on and off. I had cut down my hours to working to 7 hour days 6 days a week so I could spend more time with my family

- my wife gained alot of weight after having our 2nd child and then lost alot of weight about a year or so after (she had always been a petite woman when I met her)

- about a year ago or so I have started feeling more and more attracted to her like I was falling in love with her all over again, we were just young when we met I was slightly older so I kind of watched her grow and mature into an adult woman over the 16 years.

(The job)

- early 2023 she has taken A manager position of an auto lube and mechanical shop that was offered to her from the owner which she is the only female and about 4 other males (2 of them which I am very worried about)

- i have expressed my concerns about this situation and we have been fighting alot since she took this job mainly regarding me questioning her faithfulness and relationship boundaries at work. Her unawareness is really low and always has been. And she has no filter to her

- we do want to make each other happy and willing to try new things to make each other comfortable and the sex, when we do have it, is and has always intimate and amazing

- but I still get worried and stressed every day she goes to work with these guys because I know emotions and relationships can happen and alot more during work and I'm scared that everything we've done and built will be ruined by her being seduced by one of her employees. 

- our trust has been broken since the incident 13 tears ago and I really want to recover from it. I don't want to be the guy that texts her every 30mins or show up at her work wondering what's happening what conversations were said if anything happened I really don't but I find myself pacing back and forth my thoughts running wild my heart beating faster and faster. It's like I want to "catch her in the act" so I can be like "I told you so" and I hate myself for that

- she does tell me she loves me every day, we have great weekends together (cause she's with me and not with them) we still have amazing sex, but we fight alot because all I think about while she's at work is  (he's touching her, she likes it because it's new and different, they're in the back room together, he's flirting with her and she likes it) non stop thoughts racing through my head 

- i didn't feel this way before until I've had this massive commitment change over a year ago where I just fell in love with her again and wanting her all to myself and feeling empty when I'm not with her

- sorry for the long ramble I guess I'm on here asking for guidance, advice.. i feel like I'm going crazy, somedays i dont eat i can sleep cause its all i can think about.

- I'm sure I've left so much out 

Edited February 13 by DaddyJay

[basil67]

What makes you think she is likely to be cheating?  Is it something she's saying or doing?  Is she coming home with axle grease in her undewear?  Taken to wearing sexy knickers to work?  Using her phone when she thinks you're sleeping?  If she's doing stuff which has you on alert for good reason, then perhaps you need to consider divorce.

35 minutes ago, DaddyJay said:

, but we fight alot because all I think about while she's at work is  (he's touching her, she likes it because it's new and different, they're in the back room together, he's flirting with her and she likes it) non stop thoughts racing through my head 

But if she's really given you no reason to think she's cheating, then you're on track for divorce anyway due to your behaviour.  If she's not doing anything wrong, is it really fair to her that she should be having constant arguments and facing your false accusations?   This must be a horrible way for her to live and for your family to be around.

Has she forgiven you for your indiscretion(s)?   Have you had any affairs since?  

[Alpacalia]

I think it's your guilty conscience talking given your stepping out. I get that you are having some serious jealousy issues about her working with other guys, given your own infidelity. You are projecting.

[ShyViolet]

This isn't about the guys.  Do you trust her, or not?  If you don't trust her then you shouldn't be married to her.  

[Wiseman2]

You both had "an unfaithful moment"? Please consider marriage therapy. Sadly your jealousy is out of control and that could damage your relationship much more than some male coworkers. 

[d0nnivain]

If all you have is that she's the only woman, it's paranoia talking.  Every time somebody works with a member of the opposite sex does not mean they will be unfaithful.  

Keep up the romance with your wife.  Be nice.  Make sure she doesn't have reason to stray.  

[Gaeta]

You are being paranoid and need to address this in therapy. You sound like someone in middle of an anxiety attack. No amount of worrying and controlling her will keep her from cheating if this is what she wants. 

You do not have control over her, over others at work. What ever will happen you'll cross that bridge then. You have a beautiful wife you love and half enjoy her because you're too worried about stuff that may never happen.

[MsJayne]

Interesting that you say you fell in love with her again around the same time she started a job working with men. Extroverted people can sometimes be hard work in intimate relationships because of their need for attention, but that’s who they are, and you either accept them as they are or you move on. I’m of the belief that intense jealousy is usually fuelled by an unconscious knowledge that a partner isn’t “in love” with us. They may love us and care for us, but that adoration isn’t there, so there’s always that worry that any moment we’ll become surplus to requirement when they meet our replacement. Maybe some counselling would help to address the trust issues and establish clear behavioural boundaries. If she wants a peaceful marriage she’ll agree to this. You endlessly harping at her over her working with men must be wearing pretty thin by now, and you’re just pushing her away with this nagging fishwife behaviour. 

[Els]

It's not the length that makes your post hard to read, it's the fact that the whole thing is bolded...

From what I can gather from your post, your wife has done nothing wrong apart from infidelity 13 years ago... which you ALSO did, so that kinda cancels itself out. Have you two been to therapy to try and heal that rift?

I'm not sure what you expect her to do about her all-male colleagues - are you expecting her to fire the men and hire women to replace them just to assuage your anxiety (hopefully, you understand that this is a ridiculous proposition)? Or are you expecting her to quit? If you're expecting her to quit, are you able and willing to be the sole breadwinner until she finds a comparable job?

I think you need MC for your marriage, and also personal therapy to work on your anxiety and obsession issues.

[glows]

4 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I’m of the belief that intense jealousy is usually fuelled by an unconscious knowledge that a partner isn’t “in love” with us. They may love us and care for us, but that adoration isn’t there, so there’s always that worry that any moment we’ll become surplus to requirement when they meet our replacement. 

I completely agree with this. 

Maybe you can shed more light on your insecurities in your marriage as opposed to fixating on what she’s doing at work. You do say her boundaries are poor. How so? Does she flirt or is she constantly disrespectful of you/your marriage? Any recent examples aside from the incidents 13 years ago?