My boyfriend won't tell me when I upset him because it will make me cry.

[Leflatworm]

I've noticed for a while now that everytime my boyfriend and I argue it is because I have been doing something that makes him upset or that he disagrees with. I have tried to improve myself and be more mindful of my actions, but a lot of times, I didn't even know that the things I did upset him. I have asked him to tell me whenever he feels uncomfortable or upset so I can be aware of my behavior in the future. However, he never does this. I think he believes it is better to just let it go rather than talk about it because everytime we talk about our problems I end up crying. I think doing this has only led to the problem building up and eventually causing him to snap at me when he can't take it anymore. I have reasoned with him that if he told me when a problem arises, even if I do cry, it would cause less of a strain on our relationship, but he doesn't agree. What do you guys think the right course of action here is?

Edited February 13, 2024 by Leflatworm

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Why do you have to walk on eggs around him in order to not "upset him"?  By not explaining specifically  words or actions, he keeps you off balance. What exactly are these arguments and upsets about and what are you supposed to do to change for him? 

[stillafool]

He feels manipulated when you cry every time he tries to talk about your problems.  Why do you cry instead of addressing the issue with him?

[basil67]

There could be two different things going on here

1. Is it the delivery of the issue is what makes you cry?  That he's like "YOU ALWAYS do this bad thing".  Or perhaps he bottles it up until he's angry and then yells at you?   If so, he needs to learn better communication. 

For example 'when there's clothes all over the bedroom floor, I feel really uncomfortable' is far better than 'the bedroom is a {expletive} pigsty! You never clean up after yourself and I hate this!"  Have a look at "I" statements in relationships for examples.   

2. Perhaps he's controlling and nitpicks at tiny things.  Ask yourself if his expectations truly reasonable. 

Could you give examples of the things which upset him and how he delivered the request?  

Edited February 13, 2024 by basil67

[Leflatworm]

Follow up:

 

1. I am 20 and he is 22. We've been together for almost 2 years now.

 

2. The most recent thing that has been the issue is that sometimes I use my emotions to make decisions or don't think things through. For example, I had a family dinner later in the evening, but I still decided to go have some deserts with friends because I was stressed. Another thing was me going out and eat at more pricey places more often with friends even when I was having issues with controlling my eating habit and weight.

 

He didn't say anything when the specific event occurred. He might text an "aiyaiyai" and that's it. Then, when many things happen and it builds up, he snaps at me. It's not like he's yelling or berating me in anyway. He just says something in a sarcastic or aggressive tone. For example, why does that cost of the Uber matter to you, you've been going out and eating at places that cost way more. Then, when we discuss about the issue he explains that he's been questioning my decision making and choices ever since x time. 

 

3. I cry very easily. It's not that my only response when he does end up bringing up a problem is to cry. I'm trying to figure out what I can do and how to change for the better, but while I'm doing that I'm crying. 

 

4. He thinks that leaving the initial problem alone and not bringing it up is better because then I won't be upset and cry about it. But, I think he should tell me when something upsets him because even if I cry, I know that this is something I should work on rather than keep on doing the same thing that upsets him because I didn't know it did. I feel like his method of telling me only when it builds up to such a large problem that he can't take it anymore is just gonna put a big strain on the relationship that is harder to fix than small day to day events that upset him.

 

 

[IrinaM]

From the examples you gave it sounds like your boyfriend is a bully who enjoys criticizing you and then telling you you're "too sensitive."

[IrinaM]

24 minutes ago, Leflatworm said:

Then, when we discuss about the issue he explains that he's been questioning my decision making and choices ever since x time. 

He shouldn't be questioning your decision-making and choices. He's finding fault where there is none. (Seriously- going out with friends to get dessert even though you already ate? This bothers him why exactly?)

[Wiseman2]

Please talk to trusted friends and family about the controlling abusive behavior. Please read up on abusive relationships. He enjoys belittling you criticizing you and making you cry. It makes him feel powerful and macho to hurt you as much as he can .  Please get help getting away from this extremely toxic situation. 

[basil67]

41 minutes ago, Leflatworm said:

2. The most recent thing that has been the issue is that sometimes I use my emotions to make decisions or don't think things through. For example, I had a family dinner later in the evening, but I still decided to go have some deserts with friends because I was stressed. Another thing was me going out and eat at more pricey places more often with friends even when I was having issues with controlling my eating habit and weight.

He didn't say anything when the specific event occurred. He might text an "aiyaiyai" and that's it. Then, when many things happen and it builds up, he snaps at me. It's not like he's yelling or berating me in anyway. He just says something in a sarcastic or aggressive tone. For example, why does that cost of the Uber matter to you, you've been going out and eating at places that cost way more. Then, when we discuss about the issue he explains that he's been questioning my decision making and choices ever since x time. 

OMG, what a patronising piece of work he is!   These decisions don't even affect him.  It's not acceptable behaviour on his part and I'd suggest you question whether or not he's really the man you want to be with.  I warn you though, if you break it off, he will probably patronise you again by telling you that you're being foolish.  Make sure that you take his response and tell him to shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

Also, I cry from anger and frustration - it's not a choice and I can't turn it on or off either. I actually find it incredibly frustrating and embarrassing because the tears distract from the matter at hand.  You're not alone.

Edited February 14, 2024 by basil67

[glows]

I don’t think you should be with someone who questions your decision-making, period. That’s the very basics/foundation of respect. If you don’t have respect for one another this entire relationship is completely moot and not a relationship at all. It’s just a toxic playground for nothing worth anything.

I also think you have extremely low self esteem and maybe are dealing with body image issues… and also financial issues? Why is the cost of an Uber you’re taking any of his business? You may be oversharing and looking for validation for mundane things because your confidence is just so low. And your boyfriend questioning your choices and his sounds of disgust like “aiyaiyai” or whatever crap he wants to dish is making you more insecure. 

The problem is really you being insecure to start and tolerating a man who doesn’t respect you. His problem is acting like pompous know it all with dumb sound effects and disrespect for you.

[Gaeta]

You sound like a normal 20 year old to me. Going from our teen years to adulthood is hard. This week my 19 yo daughter called me from her very first job, she was crying by herself in the bathroom. We are emotional beings and we cry and no one should be ridiculed when going through a vulnerable moment.

Your boyfriend is mean and controling. I think it's time you leave him behind. A good relationship is when 2 people support and elevate each other. Do not date men that belittle you.

[ShyViolet]

If this guy doesn't seriously work on himself and get better at communication in the relationship, then this relationship is going to fall apart very quickly.  I don't blame you for crying easily, it sounds like a reaction that you don't have control over.  It's not a reason for him to refrain from talking to you about things.  This guy does not sound like a good boyfriend at all and I think you should rethink the relationship.

[stillafool]

Why don't you just break up with him?

[smackie9]

Sorry girl but you don't see it....what he is doing is wrong. You haven't been the issue, he is. He takes pleasure in beating your self esteem down. It's all about control. The more you try to please him, the more things he's gonna find wrong with you. Snide, passive aggressive remarks is mental abuse. You need to dump him NOW.

[introverted1]

Agree that your bf is not acting an a healthy, emotionally mature way.

On 2/14/2024 at 12:48 AM, Leflatworm said:

I cry very easily. It's not that my only response when he does end up bringing up a problem is to cry. I'm trying to figure out what I can do and how to change for the better, but while I'm doing that I'm crying. 

That said, the issue of you crying any time someone brings up a problem is something you need to address.  A healthy relationship is one where partners can respectfully discuss issues and concerns.  Although you may not mean it as such, crying becomes a manipulation that silences the other person. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

On 2/13/2024 at 10:12 PM, IrinaM said:

From the examples you gave it sounds like your boyfriend is a bully who enjoys criticizing you and then telling you you're "too sensitive."

Agree.

Your boyfriend sounds like a hypocrite and a bit of a bully. He gets upset with you, doesn't say anything, and then gets even more upset when you try to make compromises aimed at keeping peace? And what kind of person feels justified in making his girlfriend cry? A good man would hate himself if he made her cry.

[BaileyB]

In the examples you provided, I would say if you decide to go out with friends for dessert that is your decision - not his. If you chose an expensive restaurant - that is your decision, not his.

Even if you don’t have the money or you are trying to lose weight - that is your decision, not his. 

Do you see what I’m saying - he is in the wrong here, not you. Never give your power to make your own decisions to a man because you don’t want to upset him - that feeling of “walking on eggshells” and trying to be what you think will please your partner is classic behavior of a woman who has a controlling and abusive partner. 

[Wiseman2]

Please don't throw your young life and heart away on a damaging bully like this. 

[Acacia98]

@Leflatworm: First of all, what are your thoughts on the advice that everyone has given you so far?

Secondly, are there things that your boyfriend does that upset you or that you disagree with? And when he does those things, how do you react? Do you hold it all in and then snap at him when you can't take it anymore?

You know what? We all have things that we do that, perhaps, aren't so great for us. But it really is up to us to decide on our own that we no longer want to do those things and to make the effort to change. If you genuinely feel like you need to pay more attention to your food and spending choices for your own good, then do that. But it's up to you to do it. Your boyfriend can encourage you. But he certainly should not be policing your efforts , nor should he "punish" you when you stumble. If he finds the way you routinely do things so annoying that he feels he must say/do something about it, then he simply isn't the right person for you and you aren't the right person for him.