The First Date advice on following up

[JuniorGB]

I went on a date with this girl. We had dinner and drinks. We chatted up a storm and I noticed her smile a lot, her fixing her hair, and direct eye contact. There was a vibe and shared a lot about ourselves, upbringing, lives, and culture. After the date I walked her to her car and got her number. I thought it went well because I texted her to let me know when she got home and responded. You are sweet blush smile face. I had a great time with you Jr and hearted my message. I followed up the next day in the afternoon; telling her that I will be busy with work but I want to see her again because I see potential chemistry but want to take things slow. (Direct on what I wanted). I haven't heard from her since yesterday. Should I move on or wait? ughhhh. Dating is so complex and it feels like a game. 

[Wiseman2]

Things seem to have gone really well. Take a bit of a breather. It's only been since yesterday. Especially since you told her you would be busy. Perhaps tomorrow or whatever suggest another date. 

[Gaeta]

It's Wednesday, invite her out on a date for this weekend. 

Also * l want to take slow* in the world of dating has a negative quonotation. It usually means you are not ready to date, that you will draag your feet for exclusivity and you're probably not over your ex. A smart lady looking for a relationship would pass when she hears that.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Also * l want to take slow* in the world of dating has a negative quonotation. It usually means you are not ready to date, that you will draag your feet for exclusivity and you're probably not over your ex. A smart lady looking for a relationship would pass when she hears that.

Thank you @Gaeta.  I was going to say much the same but sat on my fingers.  But now it's out there, I see "I want to take it slow" as a red flag too.  Not that I'd be particularly rushing to move in together or anything, but it would indicate to me that the person

1. has unresolved baggage and/or

2. perhaps put limits on how often we see each other and/or

3. perhaps they want to continue multi dating 

 

Edited February 15, 2024 by basil67

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, I DEFINITELY see "I want to take it slow" as a red flag.

It means the person still has some serious pain from a previous relationship.  I'm not even sure taking it slow works. 

OP, what's up with the need to take it slow?

BTW OP: one good date doesn't mean anything. A nice text means nothing. So right now, it's not clear she is interested enough to go on another date with you. 

[basil67]

Going back to "take it slow" it's not a bad thing if they also want to take it slow.  The problem is that if you're both doing it because of unresolved issues, then it doesn't bode well for the relationship.

All in all though, it's still good to be honest about what you want.  It prevents a whole lot of wasted time if you're looking for different things

[Alpacalia]

Saying you'll be busy with work but want to see her again is a mixed message. A different approach would have been to tell her you want to see her again, and ask when she is available, giving her the opportunity to respond with her availability and show interest in seeing you again. 

[ZA Dater]

11 hours ago, JuniorGB said:

I went on a date with this girl. We had dinner and drinks. We chatted up a storm and I noticed her smile a lot, her fixing her hair, and direct eye contact. There was a vibe and shared a lot about ourselves, upbringing, lives, and culture. After the date I walked her to her car and got her number. I thought it went well because I texted her to let me know when she got home and responded. You are sweet blush smile face. I had a great time with you Jr and hearted my message. I followed up the next day in the afternoon; telling her that I will be busy with work but I want to see her again because I see potential chemistry but want to take things slow. (Direct on what I wanted). I haven't heard from her since yesterday. Should I move on or wait? ughhhh. Dating is so complex and it feels like a game. 

Walk away she is seemingly not interested. If she were interested she would show more enthusiasm for meeting up again. Chances are she is on a dating app and shopping around for dates, sorry to be so down on this but sadly chatting up a storm and those pick up artist body language ques are really not much to read into.

My suggestion, give it a day or two of no contact and then contact her again. Unfortunately dating is indeed a game.

[Alpacalia]

I don't understand what's wrong about pacing yourself and taking the time to truly get to know someone before diving headfirst into a serious commitment? OP what is your reason for wanting to go slow>>?

Edited February 15, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Weezy1973]

I think “go slow” has different connotations for men and women. When a man says it, most women think he means he doesn’t want to commit, wants to keep things casual, and still date other people. When a woman says it, most men think she means she doesn’t want to have sex right away.

[Gaeta]

In dating there is the fast pace, normal pace and slow pace.

If someone tells me he wants to go slow it's because he has a problem with <normal>. That to me is a red flag. 

[Wiseman2]

The date seems to have gone well, give her time to respond. While your statements about "busy", "potential" chemistry, and "slow" seem nervous, almost like you're trying to play it too cool, if she's interested, she's interested.

These remarks aren't really deal breakers, perhaps just anxiety.  Text her with an invitation to go out again. That's really the only way to gauge interest. 

 I followed up the next day in the afternoon; telling her that I will be busy with work but I want to see her again because I see potential chemistry but want to take things slow

[JuniorGB]

I appreciate all the feedback team. It definitely gives me a lot of perspective. I'm currently 29 and I have been single for a long time. Last time I've been in a relationship I was 23. I'm a career driven man with a lot of commitments. I have great career, well-educated, highly ambitious and maintain a routine for myself diet/exercising.  (high standards/discipline) and have great finances to myself. I'm a perfectionist and a overthinker (IT's a CURSE)  and I'M TRASH at dating. A NERD doesn't know the game or even play it. I simply want to meet a genuine lady that will like me for who I am and not for my status and what I can provide. So when I said "I want to take it slow" I mean I want get to really met the person if we are compatible instead of rushing it. I date with intentions I guess and maybe my anxiety of some many case scenarios got the best of me. But I love contingency plans and insurance.   I've been so hard on myself for saying "taking it slow" or "I'm going to be busy." I kind of feel embarrassed and my dignity/pride is preventing me from following up. Because people have their phone 24/7 so I know she saw that and I'm guessing she wasn't that interested or I simply fumbled like the 49ers...... 

 

Edited February 15, 2024 by JuniorGB

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, JuniorGB said:

So when I said "I want to take it slow" I mean I want get to really met the person if we are compatible instead of rushing it.

There is rushing it vs taking a sensible pace vs taking it slow.   Getting to know someone while managing expectations - before making some kind of commitment is entirely sensible.  Like it's entirely reasonable to not move in together within six months  

With regards to "take it slow" many interpret it as meaning "I have baggage up to my armpits and am highly risk averse".   If that's not you, then don't worry about it.  But probably best to not use that phrase if you don't want to give the impression that you're highly risk averse.  Relationships involve risk - it's just the nature of the beast.

With regards to all the work, you were honest.  But having a workload and other commitments that are heavy enough that you have to warn a potential partner about it is a red flag to those who value work/life balance.  But on the flipside, if you meet someone who is also very busy with work, it shouldn't be a problem.

[ ] 

Edited February 15, 2024 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[JuniorGB]

31 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There is rushing it vs taking a sensible pace vs taking it slow.   Getting to know someone while managing expectations - before making some kind of commitment is entirely sensible.  Like it's entirely reasonable to not move in together within six months  

With regards to "take it slow" many interpret it as meaning "I have baggage up to my armpits and am highly risk averse".   If that's not you, then don't worry about it.  But probably best to not use that phrase if you don't want to give the impression that you're highly risk averse.  Relationships involve risk - it's just the nature of the beast.

With regards to all the work, you were honest.  But having a workload and other commitments that are heavy enough that you have to warn a potential partner about it is a red flag to those who value work/life balance.  But on the flipside, if you meet someone who is also very busy with work, it shouldn't be a problem.

[ ] 

Thank you Master KENOBI 😆😅

 

[Wiseman2]

It's sad you don't have the courage, confidence and courtesy to follow up appropriately, especially since you dropped the "busy", bomb, not her.

And you're right. You're just guessing and psyching yourself out of a perfectly fine date. 

Why is dignity/pride is preventing you from following up? .   Maybe she saw it sure. But it wasn't a date invitation just almost pushing her away with "busy" "slow" and "potential" chemistry? WTH?  almost as if you want her to go away.

Please be sincere when dating and please don't play it so "cool" or hard to get games. 

[JuniorGB]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's sad you don't have the courage, confidence and courtesy to follow up appropriately, especially since you dropped the "busy", bomb, not her.

And you're right. You're just guessing and psyching yourself out of a perfectly fine date. 

Why is dignity/pride is preventing you from following up? .   Maybe she saw it sure. But it wasn't a date invitation just almost pushing her away with "busy" "slow" and "potential" chemistry? WTH?  almost as if you want her to go away.

Please be sincere when dating and please don't play it so "cool" or hard to get games. 

I am being direct and sincere. Having self-dignity and integrity in my opinion is more valuable and to me that is self-confidence/courage.  She could have had the courtesy to reply as well because it's communication from both parties?. Therefore, I took it as she is not interested. And, moved on. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, JuniorGB said:

I appreciate all the feedback team. It definitely gives me a lot of perspective. I'm currently 29 and I have been single for a long time. Last time I've been in a relationship I was 23. I'm a career driven man with a lot of commitments. I have great career, well-educated, highly ambitious and maintain a routine for myself diet/exercising.  (high standards/discipline) and have great finances to myself. I'm a perfectionist and a overthinker (IT's a CURSE)  and I'M TRASH at dating. A NERD doesn't know the game or even play it. I simply want to meet a genuine lady that will like me for who I am and not for my status and what I can provide. So when I said "I want to take it slow" I mean I want get to really met the person if we are compatible instead of rushing it. I date with intentions I guess and maybe my anxiety of some many case scenarios got the best of me. But I love contingency plans and insurance.   I've been so hard on myself for saying "taking it slow" or "I'm going to be busy." I kind of feel embarrassed and my dignity/pride is preventing me from following up. Because people have their phone 24/7 so I know she saw that and I'm guessing she wasn't that interested or I simply fumbled like the 49ers...... 

 

So it sounds more like you just want to make sure you find a suitable partner when you say "I want to take it slow" and it's not about playing games or making excuses to avoid spending time with someone. That's totally understandable and actually quite admirable. Saying things like "let's take it slow and get to know each other" can alleviate any possible misunderstandings.

But yes, the wording of "I'm going to be busy" following a first date, kind of shot down any chance of a second date.

[SurfCity]

2 hours ago, JuniorGB said:

I have great career, well-educated, highly ambitious and maintain a routine for myself diet/exercising.  (high standards/discipline) and have great finances to myself. I'm a perfectionist and a overthinker (IT's a CURSE)  and I'M TRASH at dating. A NERD doesn't know the game or even play it. I simply want to meet a genuine lady that will like me for who I am and not for my status and what I can provide.

I guess that you've been listening to too many podcasts and dating gurus telling you that you should focus on yourself and building wealth in your 20's and that that will make dating a breeze once you hit 30. You're about to find out that that's hogwash. 

If it was a nice date and you like her, just simply text her again asking for a date. The worst that can happen is that you end up exactly where you are right now which is nowhere.

In the future, don't say things like this: 

Quote

telling her that I will be busy with work but I want to see her again because I see potential chemistry but want to take things slow.

Just simply say that you had a great time tonight, let's do it again, how about Saturday at 7? It's the truth and it's simple. The text that you sent overcomplicated everything and unintentionally made it sound like you were giving her a soft let down because you didn't like her when that's the exact opposite of how you felt. Keep it simple and you'll get better results. 

[Gaeta]

Do you have time to date / Do you have time for a girlfriend?

[JuniorGB]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

So it sounds more like you just want to make sure you find a suitable partner when you say "I want to take it slow" and it's not about playing games or making excuses to avoid spending time with someone. That's totally understandable and actually quite admirable. Saying things like "let's take it slow and get to know each other" can alleviate any possible misunderstandings.

But yes, the wording of "I'm going to be busy" following a first date, kind of shot down any chance of a second date.

I appreciate the feedback it gives me a lot to think about. I just date with attentions because eventually I want to be married and propose to someone special. I'm also family orientated so I want to find someone special that my mom and aunts will approve off. 

[JuniorGB]

13 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

I guess that you've been listening to too many podcasts and dating gurus telling you that you should focus on yourself and building wealth in your 20's and that that will make dating a breeze once you hit 30. You're about to find out that that's hogwash. 

If it was a nice date and you like her, just simply text her again asking for a date. The worst that can happen is that you end up exactly where you are right now which is nowhere.

In the future, don't say things like this: 

Just simply say that you had a great time tonight, let's do it again, how about Saturday at 7? It's the truth and it's simple. The text that you sent overcomplicated everything and unintentionally made it sound like you were giving her a soft let down because you didn't like her when that's the exact opposite of how you felt. Keep it simple and you'll get better results. 

I agree with you on the keeping it simple I fumbled. I will respectfully disagree with you on the upper statement. It's not hogwash it's having a purpose in your life and working on yourself. It attracts a lot of people into your circle. I built my wealth because of my ambition to myself and I can't say the same about my fellow friends and people in their 20s. I chose the hard path and that's the life I want. 

[JuniorGB]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Do you have time to date / Do you have time for a girlfriend?

Yes I have time to date and for a girlfriend. With communication and boundaries anything is possible. Commitment, trust, and loyalty are important and that's why I date to see those values/morals in my potential partner I don't want to just invest my feelings/emotions to someone that just looks good. 

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, JuniorGB said:

Yes I have time to date and for a girlfriend

So there is no need to tell these women you're a busy man.

 

5 minutes ago, JuniorGB said:

With communication and boundaries anything is possible. Commitment, trust, and loyalty are important and that's why I date to see those values/morals in my potential partner I don't want to just invest my feelings/emotions to someone that just looks good. 

That is called normal dating. Well adjusted adults date and get to know each other to make sure there are commun values and goals. 

[SurfCity]

21 minutes ago, JuniorGB said:

I agree with you on the keeping it simple I fumbled. I will respectfully disagree with you on the upper statement. It's not hogwash it's having a purpose in your life and working on yourself. It attracts a lot of people into your circle. I built my wealth because of my ambition to myself and I can't say the same about my fellow friends and people in their 20s. I chose the hard path and that's the life I want. 

The hogwash part is that it will make dating a breeze. There's nothing wrong with having goals for yourself and going after your dreams. But, these podcast bros say that being financially successful will make it sooo easy to attract women that your biggest issue will be sifting through them to find the one you want...that's the part that's BS.