I stopped looking years ago

[Stret]

I'm 45 (F) and I have not been on a date for years. Is it possible I'm just done with it? It is not that I don't want to have a partner in life, but I know that finding a person that suits me is a major challenge, very unlikely to never succeed, and any attempt to go into something would just cause me headache and pain... and I'm not afraid of pain, I've been there before, but I just cannot be bothered any more. I'm a very complex individual - for myself I am very simple. But I didn't find too many people in life who understand me, who share my passion or two (for social causes and justice as I am an activist). I have two doctoral degrees in my field and can't really bother with people that I have nothing to learn from. Too many things must come together for me to feel that it is a compatible partner. My two boyfriends died when I was still in my 20s: one in traffic accident, another one of leukaemia. 

I don't have active friends either as I move around from country to country a lot and it is hard to just go out and find friends at this age. Yes, I know, go to the social clubs... I do and I find people uninteresting, stuck into social norms so much that they look like copies of each other. Very few have a good understanding of the world they live in and I find that a turn off. I am also turned off at any slight manipulation, untruths, etc. And most of the people are full of both of these. 

There is someone right now and we like each other but he is 10 years younger and has a severe case of ADHD, so bad that it is actually very visible int he first minute you know him. I can't even get him to even walk beside me on the street because he gets into his own thoughts and starts speeding up leaving me to walk behind him by a mile... So that was always a no-go for me, even though he is very intelligent and has a good career, I can learn from him... He is very interested in me but I can't be the woman whose partner is so self-involved that anything that requires considering other person is secondary to his own thing. So I'll stay friends with him but will definitely not get into anything and develop feelings for the wrong person. 

I'm not even looking for many years. Not - even - looking. Not even hoping (not that I'm aware of). I'm scr*wed. I know. But I've accepted it. Life is simpler and is very full with everything else I do. Guess I just wanted to leave this here to see if anyone has similar experience and compare the notes. 

[Alpacalia]

Okay so you know he's not for you because he has ADHD and you don't feel you can be with someone who is so self-involved. That's a valid reason. I think it's possible that you may be "done" with dating, in the sense that you have found comfort in your own company and your own pursuits, and it may be hard to find someone who truly fits well with you.

[stillafool]

If you're content with the way things are in your life, why now are you stressing because you have no desire for a partner? There are a lot of people just like you.  Not everyone needs to be or wants to be partnered.  Stop worrying about it and just enjoy your life the way it is.

Edited February 15 by stillafool

[Weezy1973]

16 hours ago, Stret said:

I find people uninteresting, stuck into social norms so much that they look like copies of each other.

You seem to have a very full, and unique life. Having a partner seems like it would just make you one of the many stuck into that social norm. Perhaps your passions and excellence in your field happened because you’ve kept away from the social norm of relationships / marriage / kids etc. Sounds like that would bore you anyways. I’d just embrace the  great life you have.

Edited February 15 by Weezy1973

[smackie9]

People are boring because you need to find people who are passionate about the same things as you. Gets some hobbies/interests going and join those kind of groups to get that intellectual stimulation. 

[d0nnivain]

May I suggest that you go to events in your field . . . continuing education or some type of reunion from one of the institutions where you got your degrees.  You may find your intellectual equals there.  

[Wiseman2]

Even though the "ideal" is people blissfully coupled off marching on to the ark in pairs, many people around the world are single. Having a wonderful partner is great but it's really not essential. 

[BaileyB]

There is nothing wrong with being single. It’s hard not to feel sometimes like the world sees this as “shame,” but the truth is there are millions and millions of single people in this world at any given point - and they are all good people, contributing to the world and happily living their lives. I was one of them for many years.

And then, quite unexpectedly, I met someone. 

My view of dating/life - do what brings you joy and just stay open to the possibility… If you meet someone you want to date - great. If you don’t - that’s great too. Just don’t close yourself off entirely to the possibility because you simply never know what the future will bring… Life has a way of taking us to unexpected places sometimes. 

My advice - if you are passionate about justice and social causes - going different groups (I’m sure you already are). IMHO, you are more likely to connect with someone when you are following your interest than you are at a social club. 

Best wishes.

[Stret]

Thanks to everyone who replied. It's all true what you say - relationship is not essential to be happy or have a fulfilled life. But, of course, us humans have a need for connection and belonging. Last night I dreamt that I'm secretly in the house of my ex and then he arrives from work and we kiss. That must mean something. Maybe I am still missing something (subconsciously). 

On the other hand, the pain of being with the wrong person for you is way worse, as I'm sure you all can relate to.
I avoided one person (handsome, caring, worked with me) because he was boring - his stories would start, never end, and lead to nowhere. I was switching in and out several times during his stories. If I ever got into relationship with him, I thought, I would probably shoot him or myself at some point during his bring stories - I just couldn't take it any more.
There was another one - he had loads of female friends, one of which was calling and texting all day long, every day, for everything she needed and everything that was happening in her life - he had enmeshed relationship with her and I didn't want to deal with that.
Another guy was super smart, strong at work, absolutely miserable and depressed out of work. I couldn't deal with his depression. I never touched any of these guys. 
And so on. In the past 7 years or so, there were some guys that were around but nobody for me to say: that's the one that is compatible for me. As I joke with my neighbour when I tell him "I met him but he is 10 years younger and I don't want him" and he tells me "I am 10 years older and you don't want me either". So I say "maybe I am one of those nasty princesses for whom nobody is good enough". Not true about princess part but jokes are all I have left. Such as: "I like sex and remember it fondly".

In my 20s and early 30s, things were so different. It is like I'm not that person any more. Back then, I was a bit naive, going for it while ignoring the red flags. Something happened in the meanwhile to ruin me for dating. Experience perhaps and the fact that I put objective assessment of compatibility over emotional attachment and physical attraction. I am not closed to relationship at all, I'm just not looking for anyone and not interested in anyone for a long time. Now and then, I meet guys that "get me going" but I also see red flags and back off before it even starts. I figured, if it happens, it will happen. If it doesn't, I'll get a load of cats and name them after all the men I've never been with. 

[mark clemson]

Stret - I feel like a lot of good advice was given recently in this somewhat similar thread. You might consider having a read-through in case you find some of it helpful...

 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Stret said:

Thanks to everyone who replied. It's all true what you say - relationship is not essential to be happy or have a fulfilled life. But, of course, us humans have a need for connection and belonging. Last night I dreamt that I'm secretly in the house of my ex and then he arrives from work and we kiss. That must mean something. Maybe I am still missing something (subconsciously). 

On the other hand, the pain of being with the wrong person for you is way worse, as I'm sure you all can relate to.
I avoided one person (handsome, caring, worked with me) because he was boring - his stories would start, never end, and lead to nowhere. I was switching in and out several times during his stories. If I ever got into relationship with him, I thought, I would probably shoot him or myself at some point during his bring stories - I just couldn't take it any more.
There was another one - he had loads of female friends, one of which was calling and texting all day long, every day, for everything she needed and everything that was happening in her life - he had enmeshed relationship with her and I didn't want to deal with that.
Another guy was super smart, strong at work, absolutely miserable and depressed out of work. I couldn't deal with his depression. I never touched any of these guys. 
And so on. In the past 7 years or so, there were some guys that were around but nobody for me to say: that's the one that is compatible for me. As I joke with my neighbour when I tell him "I met him but he is 10 years younger and I don't want him" and he tells me "I am 10 years older and you don't want me either". So I say "maybe I am one of those nasty princesses for whom nobody is good enough". Not true about princess part but jokes are all I have left. Such as: "I like sex and remember it fondly".

In my 20s and early 30s, things were so different. It is like I'm not that person any more. Back then, I was a bit naive, going for it while ignoring the red flags. Something happened in the meanwhile to ruin me for dating. Experience perhaps and the fact that I put objective assessment of compatibility over emotional attachment and physical attraction. I am not closed to relationship at all, I'm just not looking for anyone and not interested in anyone for a long time. Now and then, I meet guys that "get me going" but I also see red flags and back off before it even starts. I figured, if it happens, it will happen. If it doesn't, I'll get a load of cats and name them after all the men I've never been with. 

Compatibility is emotional connection is generally more valuable over physical attraction with no real substance.  The latter is much easier to do.

[Foxhall]

Im not sure I can entirely agree with the notion that one can be completely content alone,

From your description perhaps it is easier for someone with your background to be alone, as you may find a lot of people boring or whatever, and you feel more stimulated pursuing solitary pursuits.

I would not give up on it or close yourself off completely however from the aspiration of a shared life,

there may come the day when you will be grateful to have a partner.

 

 

 

Edited February 16 by Foxhall

[Stret]

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

Im not sure I can entirely agree with the notion that one can be completely content alone,

From your description perhaps it is easier for someone with your background to be alone, as you may find a lot of people boring or whatever, and you feel more stimulated pursuing solitary pursuits.

I would not give up on it or close yourself off completely however from the aspiration of a shared life,

there may come the day when you will be grateful to have a partner.

 

 

 

100%. I'm not closed off or unwilling, just kind of gave up looking for him. For years already. So I started wondering about that. 

[Stret]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Compatibility is emotional connection is generally more valuable over physical attraction with no real substance.  The latter is much easier to do.

Definitely, Chemistry can be very deceiving. Compatibility... oh dear, where do I start. 
Here is the list of things I wouldn't tolerate or put up with (and I used to):

- he can't have any harmful addictions

- he can't have any mental disorders (no ADD, ADHD, he can't be on the spectrum, PTSD, narcissist, etc) 

-  he can't lie and manipulate - I'm really looking for a direct and honest person, who is well mannered and is not going to be rude in his honesty. 

- he has to be well-educated. I used to date people thinking formal education didn't matter, but I've changed my mind. 

- he has to be relaxed enough to go to hike, sit on the grass, and be in the mud if needed, be spontaneous, and thrilled go to "weird" countries as much as I am in search of new cultures and experiences

- he also has to be someone who will not embarrass me in public, and that can join me for my conferences sometimes, whom I would be proud to show to the world.  

- he has to be clean at home - I couldn't live with a piglet ever again. I'm not OCD but like to keep the house organised and relatively clean

- he has to be someone I can talk to about everything, and that can talk to me about anything, and also someone I can be silent with

- he has to understand me emotionally and I have to understand him. This at the same time reduced the need for long conversations where you are trying to explain yourself.

- he has to be someone I can trust 100% 

- he has to have respect and be respectable (not like stuck up and wearing suit and tie, but someone I can admire for who he is as a person) 

- he has to be emotionally mature and adult in every way and self-sufficient financially and not live with room-mate or family 

- he has to have a strong sense of social justice

- he has to make me a priority, not his friends, not any family (unless he has kids or sick parents, of course) 

- there has to be some physical chemistry and sex has to be ok. 

- he has to be ready to break the rules sometimes for a good cause and not be stuck on rules like they are written in stone. At the same time, I would not be with someone who was a "troublemaker" - only for a very good cause and when there is some higher purpose, not just to create issues. 

- he has to know how the world works, be well-informed on politics and read independent journalists, and be good at reading people's true intentions. Living with someone I have to explain things to, rather than discuss things with, would make me feel a bit like his mum. 

 

You see what I mean? He doesn't exist. 
This reads like requirements for a job (I just need to add a section on desirable but not required characteristics). But it is all hard learned lessons from experience. And this isn't even a full list, I just can't think of anything else right now. 

I offer everything in return that I ask for, so it is fair.   

Do you think I might be looking for too much? I am not willing to compromise on any of the above. As I said - as far as finding love, it is so not going to happen for me. I kind of figured this out so I just gave up. I can be with someone I merely like, but don't want to waste energy on anyone who doesn't fit the description. 

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Stret said:

Definitely, Chemistry can be very deceiving. Compatibility... oh dear, where do I start. 
Here is the list of things I wouldn't tolerate or put up with (and I used to):

- he can't have any harmful addictions

- he can't have any mental disorders (no ADD, ADHD, he can't be on the spectrum, PTSD, narcissist, etc) 

-  he can't lie and manipulate - I'm really looking for a direct and honest person, who is well mannered and is not going to be rude in his honesty. 

- he has to be well-educated. I used to date people thinking formal education didn't matter, but I've changed my mind. 

- he has to be relaxed enough to go to hike, sit on the grass, and be in the mud if needed, be spontaneous, and thrilled go to "weird" countries as much as I am in search of new cultures and experiences

- he also has to be someone who will not embarrass me in public, and that can join me for my conferences sometimes, whom I would be proud to show to the world.  

- he has to be clean at home - I couldn't live with a piglet ever again. I'm not OCD but like to keep the house organised and relatively clean

- he has to be someone I can talk to about everything, and that can talk to me about anything, and also someone I can be silent with

- he has to understand me emotionally and I have to understand him. This at the same time reduced the need for long conversations where you are trying to explain yourself.

- he has to be someone I can trust 100% 

- he has to have respect and be respectable (not like stuck up and wearing suit and tie, but someone I can admire for who he is as a person) 

- he has to be emotionally mature and adult in every way and self-sufficient financially and not live with room-mate or family 

- he has to have a strong sense of social justice

- he has to make me a priority, not his friends, not any family (unless he has kids or sick parents, of course) 

- there has to be some physical chemistry and sex has to be ok. 

- he has to be ready to break the rules sometimes for a good cause and not be stuck on rules like they are written in stone. At the same time, I would not be with someone who was a "troublemaker" - only for a very good cause and when there is some higher purpose, not just to create issues. 

- he has to know how the world works, be well-informed on politics and read independent journalists, and be good at reading people's true intentions. Living with someone I have to explain things to, rather than discuss things with, would make me feel a bit like his mum. 

 

You see what I mean? He doesn't exist. 
This reads like requirements for a job (I just need to add a section on desirable but not required characteristics). But it is all hard learned lessons from experience. And this isn't even a full list, I just can't think of anything else right now. 

I offer everything in return that I ask for, so it is fair.   

Do you think I might be looking for too much? I am not willing to compromise on any of the above. As I said - as far as finding love, it is so not going to happen for me. I kind of figured this out so I just gave up. I can be with someone I merely like, but don't want to waste energy on anyone who doesn't fit the description. 

This list is, well, exhausting. And yes, you may be looking for too much. No one is perfect and expecting someone to meet all of these criteria is setting yourself up for disappointment. 

[Wiseman2]

Agree,  he doesn't exist.  It does seem like hard learned lessons from experience. That's ok.

You've ruled out a lot of people, but you can still have a variety of people in your life for all your interests, just not in one ultra custom-made package

Edited February 17 by Wiseman2

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, Stret said:

Definitely, Chemistry can be very deceiving. Compatibility... oh dear, where do I start. 
Here is the list of things I wouldn't tolerate or put up with (and I used to):

- he can't have any harmful addictions

- he can't have any mental disorders (no ADD, ADHD, he can't be on the spectrum, PTSD, narcissist, etc) 

-  he can't lie and manipulate - I'm really looking for a direct and honest person, who is well mannered and is not going to be rude in his honesty. 

- he has to be well-educated. I used to date people thinking formal education didn't matter, but I've changed my mind. 

- he has to be relaxed enough to go to hike, sit on the grass, and be in the mud if needed, be spontaneous, and thrilled go to "weird" countries as much as I am in search of new cultures and experiences

- he also has to be someone who will not embarrass me in public, and that can join me for my conferences sometimes, whom I would be proud to show to the world.  

- he has to be clean at home - I couldn't live with a piglet ever again. I'm not OCD but like to keep the house organised and relatively clean

- he has to be someone I can talk to about everything, and that can talk to me about anything, and also someone I can be silent with

- he has to understand me emotionally and I have to understand him. This at the same time reduced the need for long conversations where you are trying to explain yourself.

- he has to be someone I can trust 100% 

- he has to have respect and be respectable (not like stuck up and wearing suit and tie, but someone I can admire for who he is as a person) 

- he has to be emotionally mature and adult in every way and self-sufficient financially and not live with room-mate or family 

- he has to have a strong sense of social justice

- he has to make me a priority, not his friends, not any family (unless he has kids or sick parents, of course) 

- there has to be some physical chemistry and sex has to be ok. 

- he has to be ready to break the rules sometimes for a good cause and not be stuck on rules like they are written in stone. At the same time, I would not be with someone who was a "troublemaker" - only for a very good cause and when there is some higher purpose, not just to create issues. 

- he has to know how the world works, be well-informed on politics and read independent journalists, and be good at reading people's true intentions. Living with someone I have to explain things to, rather than discuss things with, would make me feel a bit like his mum. 

 

You see what I mean? He doesn't exist. 
This reads like requirements for a job (I just need to add a section on desirable but not required characteristics). But it is all hard learned lessons from experience. And this isn't even a full list, I just can't think of anything else right now. 

I offer everything in return that I ask for, so it is fair.   

Do you think I might be looking for too much? I am not willing to compromise on any of the above. As I said - as far as finding love, it is so not going to happen for me. I kind of figured this out so I just gave up. I can be with someone I merely like, but don't want to waste energy on anyone who doesn't fit the description. 

 

 

 

It's good to have a list and commend you for sharing this, if this is your list clearly you have met people who tick these boxes so they do exist. It's just a case of finding them which you will.

[Calmandfocused]

Woah! I thought I was picky. @mark clemsongood idea to quote my thread. You and I are in a similar situation Op. 
 

I think what’s missing here is that you’re not looking at you- ie what is it about you that’s stopping you from meeting the man you want? What is it about you that men are finding incompatible? 
 

From your op you are someone that moves around a lot. This will not suit someone who values home life, consistency and who has firmly planted roots in one location. In fact most 40s individuals have a stable home, job and cannot just move at the drop of a hat due to family commitments. 
 

I’m also wondering whether you come across as too intellectual and take yourself too seriously  which is turning a lot of men off. Most people just want to find a connection and this involves having a bit of easygoing fun. 
 

Unfortunately having two doctoral degrees means nothing in the dating arena. Emotional and interpersonal intelligence means way more. 

[Stret]

34 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Woah! I thought I was picky. @mark clemsongood idea to quote my thread. You and I are in a similar situation Op. 
 

I think what’s missing here is that you’re not looking at you- ie what is it about you that’s stopping you from meeting the man you want? What is it about you that men are finding incompatible? 
 

From your op you are someone that moves around a lot. This will not suit someone who values home life, consistency and who has firmly planted roots in one location. In fact most 40s individuals have a stable home, job and cannot just move at the drop of a hat due to family commitments. 
 

I’m also wondering whether you come across as too intellectual and take yourself too seriously  which is turning a lot of men off. Most people just want to find a connection and this involves having a bit of easygoing fun. 
 

Unfortunately having two doctoral degrees means nothing in the dating arena. Emotional and interpersonal intelligence means way more. 

I don't know what is it about me other than the lack of tolerance for everything that indicates dishonest character and lack of commitment, responsibility and care.
I can't stand selfishness of any kind.
Many things are turn off and indicate lack of character I am looking for. I guess I needed people in my life to rely on sometimes, and there was rarely ever anyone. 
I am definitely emotionally intelligent and my main thing is that I am fun to be with from everything others told me - I don't talk about serious stuff 24/7. My life experience is much broader than most of people having been through war in the teenage-hood. I did everything in my life by myself and without anyone's help. In my 20s I was out often, sometimes drinking but always having fun, travelling and being silly. I'm not a prude, in fact, it's just the opposite. Now I don't go out or drink for many years, other than very occasional dinner. I'm alone at least 95% of the time. 

And I would like nothing more than to have a permanent place to live and a home. I am rather home bound and don't like being away for prolonged periods of time. I have animals and always have to organise babysitting for them at home while I'm away, don't like leaving them too long without me. 
People who meet me get impression that I am a good person. I am not trying to be but I think I've been built that way since childhood - to care and to help others, be it stray animals for which I do a lot even today, or people in vulnerable situation. It's a strong protective instinct that I have that might make men think I am self sufficient, they can get someone to care for them and have fun with, while I can look after myself. That part is the part I don't like - that false impression based on superficial appearances. Almost like I have no soul and don't need protection. But I do. I need to find someone who is like me and as strong as me, but that will be hard. By strong, I don't mean a superman. I mean someone who will stand up for what's right, no matter what. Someone who will speak up. Not someone who is controlled by the elitist system we live in. That's another thing - I hate elitism and branded goods, and expensive restaurants, and so on. It is all a sign of class society and I don't like people who enjoy in those things. 
I told you, I'm too complex. It's my background perhaps as a lot of our personality comes from childhood experiences. 

[Stret]

5 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

It's good to have a list and commend you for sharing this, if this is your list clearly you have met people who tick these boxes so they do exist. It's just a case of finding them which you will.

You know that meme with an old woman from Titanic where she goes "it's been 76 years..." 
Yeah, that. I thank you for your kindness though. I am not dismissing that you might be right and that somewhere along the line of my life, I will meet someone. Stranger things have happened. 

[Stret]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

This list is, well, exhausting. And yes, you may be looking for too much. No one is perfect and expecting someone to meet all of these criteria is setting yourself up for disappointment. 

I have no expectations. I start with zero and build it up but on the way find something I couldn't live with. If I ever met someone I thought was good for me, and me for him, I'd take time in getting to know him before starting anything. Another change from the way I was in the past. 

[Stret]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree,  he doesn't exist.  It does seem like hard learned lessons from experience. That's ok.

You've ruled out a lot of people, but you can still have a variety of people in your life for all your interests, just not in one ultra custom-made package

Experience and the fact that if you give something you usually want it back. You consider it only fair for you to get the same thing in return. I tell you the truth, you should be telling me the truth. I clean the bedroom and laundry, you should do livingroom and floors. I went to pharmacy to get you medicine when you were sick, you should do the same for me when I get sick. It is always the reciprocity and a good balance. You are going to work while I'm staying home to study - I'll do the dinner and clean most of the home.
I don't want to give less than I can just to game it, it's all or nothing. I'll be myself or I won't be with anyone. Really, it is very difficult to find a compatible companion, a good person, for life. Most people have character issues I find repulsive. I have a friend who is perfect for me and we are friends for 25 years. Unfortunately, it is a woman and I am straight and so is she. But we match 100% and we always joke about it. So now I need to find her but in the male body. 🙂 

[Alpacalia]

27 minutes ago, Stret said:

I have no expectations. I start with zero and build it up but on the way find something I couldn't live with. If I ever met someone I thought was good for me, and me for him, I'd take time in getting to know him before starting anything. Another change from the way I was in the past. 

I think it's good to have a mental list of qualities that you're looking for in a partner, as it can help guide you in making decisions and setting boundaries in relationships.

Your list reads more though like reasons you've been burned in the past and it's quite off-putting.

The good stuff too sounds more benefits you would gain as a result of connecting with this person, like attending fun conferences where he looks sharp or being comfortable in silence. Where's the piece about envisioning a partner who resonates with you on a deeper level, where you're able to touch his soul and he does yours?

Honestly, what I felt popping up out of all this was all the seeking of a "safe" partner.

Yes, balance, right?

This whole description is the manifestation of OCD vigilant guard against narcissists, emotional vampires (addicts, people with severe mental disorders) and maybe you attracted these people a lot.

I honestly don't believe you've had an experience of genuine love, where someone has really made you feel safe, seen and accepted for who you are. That's why you're looking for all these things to protect yourself. I would encourage you to maybe re-phrase some of the negative points into more positive qualities. For example, instead of saying "he/she can't lie and manipulate," you could say "I value honesty and direct communication."

Come up with five must have qualities that you need in a partner and five that would be nice to have but are not deal breakers. That way, you can still have your standards without limiting yourself too much.

[basil67]

47 minutes ago, Stret said:

Experience and the fact that if you give something you usually want it back. You consider it only fair for you to get the same thing in return. I tell you the truth, you should be telling me the truth. I clean the bedroom and laundry, you should do livingroom and floors. I went to pharmacy to get you medicine when you were sick, you should do the same for me when I get sick. 

The problem with your theory is that we don't all want the same thing.  For instance, when I'm sick, I want to my husband to check in regularly, stroke my forehead, and offer painkillers and cups of tea.  But when my husband is sick he wants to be left ALONE.  Now, human nature being what it is, he and I treat each other like we want to be treated, so he leaves me alone and I fuss too much over him. It's frustrating when I'm feeling neglected by me and he's feeling bothered,  but if you love someone, it's about understanding why they do what they do and working with it.

What I'm reading in your update is a great lack of understanding in the different ways humans act towards each other.  Love does involve accepting that we don't all think and act the same and that we accept each other's differences and know which battles to pick.

No one person can meet our every need.

[RandallHare]

Writing a list of qualities we either want or don't want in a partner is a good start. At least, it will guide us in finding the right person for us.

But here's a thought, do you think that, if you read your list for two, three, four, or five times more, you would change some of them or feel the need to relax some of the restrictions? Try to review them about 20 times. One time per day. See if there would be some changes...

I've had a similar experience. I have met a woman who ticks off all the boxes. But it didn't work for us at all. Wonder why? I got bored. There's no surprise anymore! Lol.