I stopped looking years ago

[Ami1uwant]

13 hours ago, Stret said:

Definitely, Chemistry can be very deceiving. Compatibility... oh dear, where do I start. 
Here is the list of things I wouldn't tolerate or put up with (and I used to):

- he can't have any harmful addictions

- he can't have any mental disorders (no ADD, ADHD, he can't be on the spectrum, PTSD, narcissist, etc) 

-  he can't lie and manipulate - I'm really looking for a direct and honest person, who is well mannered and is not going to be rude in his honesty. 

- he has to be well-educated. I used to date people thinking formal education didn't matter, but I've changed my mind. 

- he has to be relaxed enough to go to hike, sit on the grass, and be in the mud if needed, be spontaneous, and thrilled go to "weird" countries as much as I am in search of new cultures and experiences

- he also has to be someone who will not embarrass me in public, and that can join me for my conferences sometimes, whom I would be proud to show to the world.  

- he has to be clean at home - I couldn't live with a piglet ever again. I'm not OCD but like to keep the house organised and relatively clean

- he has to be someone I can talk to about everything, and that can talk to me about anything, and also someone I can be silent with

- he has to understand me emotionally and I have to understand him. This at the same time reduced the need for long conversations where you are trying to explain yourself.

- he has to be someone I can trust 100% 

- he has to have respect and be respectable (not like stuck up and wearing suit and tie, but someone I can admire for who he is as a person) 

- he has to be emotionally mature and adult in every way and self-sufficient financially and not live with room-mate or family 

- he has to have a strong sense of social justice

- he has to make me a priority, not his friends, not any family (unless he has kids or sick parents, of course) 

- there has to be some physical chemistry and sex has to be ok. 

- he has to be ready to break the rules sometimes for a good cause and not be stuck on rules like they are written in stone. At the same time, I would not be with someone who was a "troublemaker" - only for a very good cause and when there is some higher purpose, not just to create issues. 

- he has to know how the world works, be well-informed on politics and read independent journalists, and be good at reading people's true intentions. Living with someone I have to explain things to, rather than discuss things with, would make me feel a bit like his mum. 

 

You see what I mean? He doesn't exist. 
This reads like requirements for a job (I just need to add a section on desirable but not required characteristics). But it is all hard learned lessons from experience. And this isn't even a full list, I just can't think of anything else right now. 

I offer everything in return that I ask for, so it is fair.   

Do you think I might be looking for too much? I am not willing to compromise on any of the above. As I said - as far as finding love, it is so not going to happen for me. I kind of figured this out so I just gave up. I can be with someone I merely like, but don't want to waste energy on anyone who doesn't fit the description. 

 

 

 

I understand bad experiences affect future choices …but….This list is unrealistic.

 

what exactly are harmful and in what way?  Drugs, alcohol? Violence?  Addictions can be viewed broadly has bring OCD or wanting things how they are used to them.

 

there is a fine line being spontaneous and careless/ stupid/ unsafe

 

what if the “ social Justice” doesn’t natch your version?

 

isn’t wanting you to be a priority means you are being selfish?

 

umm…live with family?  I’ve known a few people who had elderly parent live with them or they lived at their parents house to be caregivers.  I don’t judge that negatively

 

you want him to break the rules for your cause? If arrested then that kills his career. Ever think of that?

 

I coukd go on with your list…

 

everyone has faults or is lacking in areas.  You should be looking for good qualities that are realistic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

@Stret One of the reasons I suggested just embracing your single self and all your uniqueness and accomplishments rather than worrying about finding a partner was because I suspected you’d have a mental list somewhat like you have.
 

No human is perfect, and nobody was put on this planet specifically to be your perfect partner. Even in the best marriages, partners will annoy and frustrate each other from time to time, just because they’re different people who see the world differently. You seem to be seeking a clone of yourself so key relationship components like compromise and communication aren’t necessary. It will never happen. So just savor all the advantages that come with being single. 

[Stret]

2 hours ago, RandallHare said:

Writing a list of qualities we either want or don't want in a partner is a good start. At least, it will guide us in finding the right person for us.

But here's a thought, do you think that, if you read your list for two, three, four, or five times more, you would change some of them or feel the need to relax some of the restrictions? Try to review them about 20 times. One time per day. See if there would be some changes...

I've had a similar experience. I have met a woman who ticks off all the boxes. But it didn't work for us at all. Wonder why? I got bored. There's no surprise anymore! Lol. 

Funny, right?
Will see what life brings. Ready to be flexible, but I'm sure that everyone can relate to some characteristic in individual that makes your body physically reject them (before even your mind does), and some things that you find a turn off. And I can't do a thing about that. It is not that I've decided on the list of things. It is who I am as a person in and out, and as I said, if I start feeling repulsed or turned off by some things, what I can do about it? In the past, I tried to stick with it and ride it out and talk (unsuccessfully) to find solution and mid-ground. Now I am not prepared to spend years waiting for someone to change and it is not fair asking people to change. 

[Stret]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I think it's good to have a mental list of qualities that you're looking for in a partner, as it can help guide you in making decisions and setting boundaries in relationships.

Your list reads more though like reasons you've been burned in the past and it's quite off-putting.

The good stuff too sounds more benefits you would gain as a result of connecting with this person, like attending fun conferences where he looks sharp or being comfortable in silence. Where's the piece about envisioning a partner who resonates with you on a deeper level, where you're able to touch his soul and he does yours?

Honestly, what I felt popping up out of all this was all the seeking of a "safe" partner.

Yes, balance, right?

This whole description is the manifestation of OCD vigilant guard against narcissists, emotional vampires (addicts, people with severe mental disorders) and maybe you attracted these people a lot.

I honestly don't believe you've had an experience of genuine love, where someone has really made you feel safe, seen and accepted for who you are. That's why you're looking for all these things to protect yourself. I would encourage you to maybe re-phrase some of the negative points into more positive qualities. For example, instead of saying "he/she can't lie and manipulate," you could say "I value honesty and direct communication."

Come up with five must have qualities that you need in a partner and five that would be nice to have but are not deal breakers. That way, you can still have your standards without limiting yourself too much.

Thanks for your input. It is really not a complete list at all, just things that popped into my head. Of course connection on that deep level is the most important and it is there, in the list, if you look at it again. 
It might be that I met some incompatible people in the past and now don't want to go there again. Isn't that what learning from experience means? 
I did have true love and he did make me feel safe and loved. I never loved anyone like him either. His pain was my pain, genuinely. We are still friends and I still love him as a person. My ex husband. Long time ago. 7 years together. So what went wrong? He lacked initiative, he was passive, everything was on me to organise and initiate - all our vacations, all our activities, social or professional. After a while, it became boring and tiring and I just wished that he would sometimes show some passion, for the lack of better word. So one day I woke up and figured out that I loved him... as a person but no longer as a man. Since that moment, we haven't had sex. It just stopped for me. It was a terrifying moment for me to realise what is happening. And in a few months when I was sure it was not just a phase, we parted ways. Throughout this, he remained very passive and said he cannot do anything about it if I wanted to leave. He was sad but pretended that everything is on me like he wasn't a part that can decide things. A part of me wanted him to say something, show some passion... but he was just a different kind of person. He is a good guy. We still sit and have a beer every couple of years or so, just to catch up. I would never choose someone so passive again. I didn't understand it then, we were quite young when we met. 

I know what I'm looking for and what I don't want. I know what I can and cannot live with. That is all a person can do. Figure yourself out. You're right that I am looking for "safe" partner but that doesn't mean that it is all I want. There are at least few guys at this very moment and there were at every single moment for the past 7 years that I thought were safe but didn't go for them. I do need protective partner as my life demanded it in the past during my years in war, and my life after that when I navigated the world alone. Someone to see me for who I am inside and who shows me who they really are - not the pretty inflated version with cherry on top. 

I'm afraid rephrasing things will not help anything else but the optics. I always focus on substance rather than the form. 

Discussing this with others hopefully gives me a bit of clarity. 

[Stret]

27 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@Stret One of the reasons I suggested just embracing your single self and all your uniqueness and accomplishments rather than worrying about finding a partner was because I suspected you’d have a mental list somewhat like you have.
 

No human is perfect, and nobody was put on this planet specifically to be your perfect partner. Even in the best marriages, partners will annoy and frustrate each other from time to time, just because they’re different people who see the world differently. You seem to be seeking a clone of yourself so key relationship components like compromise and communication aren’t necessary. It will never happen. So just savor all the advantages that come with being single. 

It is really disheartening to see that people would consider my list "mental". Like one cannot expect to find a mentally healthy, well balanced, caring, intelligent partner any more. 
But I am really interested to ask which one of the things on the list is mental in particular? 

[Ami1uwant]

4 minutes ago, Stret said:

Thanks for your input. It is really not a complete list at all, just things that popped into my head. Of course connection on that deep level is the most important and it is there, in the list, if you look at it again. 
It might be that I met some incompatible people in the past and now don't want to go there again. Isn't that what learning from experience means? 
I did have true love and he did make me feel safe and loved. I never loved anyone like him either. His pain was my pain, genuinely. We are still friends and I still love him as a person. My ex husband. Long time ago. 7 years together. So what went wrong? He lacked initiative, he was passive, everything was on me to organise and initiate - all our vacations, all our activities, social or professional. After a while, it became boring and tiring and I just wished that he would sometimes show some passion, for the lack of better word. So one day I woke up and figured out that I loved him... as a person but no longer as a man. Since that moment, we haven't had sex. It just stopped for me. It was a terrifying moment for me to realise what is happening. And in a few months when I was sure it was not just a phase, we parted ways. Throughout this, he remained very passive and said he cannot do anything about it if I wanted to leave. He was sad but pretended that everything is on me like he wasn't a part that can decide things. A part of me wanted him to say something, show some passion... but he was just a different kind of person. He is a good guy. We still sit and have a beer every couple of years or so, just to catch up. I would never choose someone so passive again. I didn't understand it then, we were quite young when we met. 

I know what I'm looking for and what I don't want. I know what I can and cannot live with. That is all a person can do. Figure yourself out. You're right that I am looking for "safe" partner but that doesn't mean that it is all I want. There are at least few guys at this very moment and there were at every single moment for the past 7 years that I thought were safe but didn't go for them. I do need protective partner as my life demanded it in the past during my years in war, and my life after that when I navigated the world alone. Someone to see me for who I am inside and who shows me who they really are - not the pretty inflated version with cherry on top. 

I'm afraid rephrasing things will not help anything else but the optics. I always focus on substance rather than the form. 

Discussing this with others hopefully gives me a bit of clarity. 

Statement  on being Passive to organize/ initiate…….  I have feeling iHR did this early on, you criticized him, so he just said F it you handle it.

[Ami1uwant]

3 minutes ago, Stret said:

It is really disheartening to see that people would consider my list "mental". Like one cannot expect to find a mentally healthy, well balanced, caring, intelligent partner any more. 
But I am really interested to ask which one of the things on the list is mental in particular? 

You do realize everyone if psychoanalyzed can be diagnosed with something?

[Stret]

2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Statement  on being Passive to organize/ initiate…….  I have feeling iHR did this early on, you criticized him, so he just said F it you handle it.

Your feeling is wrong and based on...well, not much really. It was really just him in my life that fit this description. 

[Stret]

2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

You do realize everyone if psychoanalyzed can be diagnosed with something?

Sure. I agree, you might be right. I'm surely not an exception. But here is the thing - you need to find someone whose demons can play well with your demons. I read this on some wall somewhere... and it sounded right. It is other way of saying, you need someone to understand you and accepts you and whom you can understand and accept. 
There is a long list of things that I can live with too while others couldn't - I just didn't think it is necessary for this particular topic. 

[FMW]

As has been said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single.  Doing what you want, where and when you want opens up a lot of possibilities.  However, the fact that you made this post seems to indicate you are bothered in some way by the idea of not being partnered.  So I'll make my comments based on that.

You should certainly not accept behavior that is harmful in any way, emotional or physical, and of course partnerships rarely survive with extreme differences in political or religious views.  That being said, your list is long and very rigid, so as you noted, it's probably unlikely to find someone who checks all those boxes.  One of your items is being able to talk about anything.  Your list indicates a rigidity that would make it very difficult for anyone to feel comfortable talking openly with you unless they were your clone.  

For me, part of relationships of any kind, whether friendship, family or romantic partners, is exposure to different ways of seeing the world and navigating its challenges.  If I was as rigid as your list makes you appear, I would have missed relationships that have enriched my life in a number of ways.  For example, my partner of over four years suffers from ADHD, something I certainly would not have put on my "wish" list for a partner.  While challenging at times, it's also opened my eyes to what others deal with, and made me appreciate how fortunate I am in many ways.  He has a different kind of brilliance than I had ever seen before, in part stemming from his struggles.  He has really wonderful qualities I love that I would have never thought of putting on a list but make him stand out from others.  It's taught me that I don't always know the answers and sometimes I just need to keep my eyes and ears open and close my mouth.  Having set expectations for everything means sometimes you miss some wonderful discoveries.  

[Stret]

48 minutes ago, FMW said:

As has been said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single.  Doing what you want, where and when you want opens up a lot of possibilities.  However, the fact that you made this post seems to indicate you are bothered in some way by the idea of not being partnered.  So I'll make my comments based on that.

You should certainly not accept behavior that is harmful in any way, emotional or physical, and of course partnerships rarely survive with extreme differences in political or religious views.  That being said, your list is long and very rigid, so as you noted, it's probably unlikely to find someone who checks all those boxes.  One of your items is being able to talk about anything.  Your list indicates a rigidity that would make it very difficult for anyone to feel comfortable talking openly with you unless they were your clone.  

For me, part of relationships of any kind, whether friendship, family or romantic partners, is exposure to different ways of seeing the world and navigating its challenges.  If I was as rigid as your list makes you appear, I would have missed relationships that have enriched my life in a number of ways.  For example, my partner of over four years suffers from ADHD, something I certainly would not have put on my "wish" list for a partner.  While challenging at times, it's also opened my eyes to what others deal with, and made me appreciate how fortunate I am in many ways.  He has a different kind of brilliance than I had ever seen before, in part stemming from his struggles.  He has really wonderful qualities I love that I would have never thought of putting on a list but make him stand out from others.  It's taught me that I don't always know the answers and sometimes I just need to keep my eyes and ears open and close my mouth.  Having set expectations for everything means sometimes you miss some wonderful discoveries.  

"Your list indicates a rigidity that would make it very difficult for anyone to feel comfortable talking openly with you unless they were your clone."
It really might appear that way but it is not. Most people feel comfortable with me and talk to me about things they wouldn't to anyone else. Including the current interest that unfortunately has ADHD of such kind I wouldn't be able to live with (who told me things he doesn't tell others). I had one partner before also with AHDH and it was a lot milder, not noticeable until you live with him and try to organise a big move from one country to another. We broke up because he had a habit of lying, was addicted to porn and weed. 
One of my exes told me things that would make most women stand back - I didn't, because he opened up, was honest and it brought us closer. So this isn't the right assumption to make - and I would like to get "diagnosed" so I can work on it. 

Nobody here has taken into account my background from my teenage as I explained, but it is a big part of who I am and why perhaps it is hard for me to relate to most people.  

I'll consider any reasonable suggestions and if it was something that I can fix in me, I'll gladly do it. You might be right about me not being perfectly happy like this because I recognise that subconsciously I might be missing closeness and companionship, even though every day life is ok. Alone, but ok. 

Too bad there is no opportunity for video conversations in these forums, sometimes writing is just not conveying things properly. 

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Stret said:

Your feeling is wrong and based on...well, not much really. It was really just him in my life that fit this description. 

If you are a different personality and complained about his choices then he pulls back and says you do then.   
 

everyone has strengths and weaknesses. If you are trying to find someone the same as you, it’s not going to work.

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Stret said:

I'll consider any reasonable suggestions and if it was something that I can fix in me

I have no reason to think you need to "fix" anything.  Not being paired up is not a defect to be cured.  Life experiences certainly make us who we are, and if yours have led you to feel this strongly about your must-haves in a partner, you owe no one any explanations.  Being with the wrong person can be much lonelier than you would ever feel on your own.  

My main message would be to accept that having a detailed list of requirements will greatly limit your opportunities to find a partner IF that is ever high on your priority list.  If you are ok being single, then focus on what makes you happy. It's terribly cliche but true in my experience - you meet people that you vibe with when you are happy and being true to yourself, not when you are actively looking.  

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, Stret said:

But I am really interested to ask which one of the things on the list is mental in particular? 

I don’t mean mental as in “crazy”; just as a checklist in your mind. 
 

The problem with your list is you’re looking for a clone of yourself essentially. A perfect match. It doesn’t exist. That doesn’t mean you should tolerate abuse, lying, addictions, mental illness etc. But your list (which you’ve indicated is not exhaustive) is going to knock out about 95% of men, and of the remaining 5% you need one that’s single (most adults aren’t), in the age range you’re looking for, and also interested in you (remember you’re going to have to check all their boxes too). So basically you’ve eliminated any chance of entering a relationship. Which strikes me as a defense mechanism. 

4 hours ago, Stret said:

Like one cannot expect to find a mentally healthy, well balanced, caring, intelligent partner any more. 

The above is reasonable, but that’s not your list. 

[Stret]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

Which strikes me as a defense mechanism.

Anything is possible. I'll have to think about that. My position now is such that I have no tolerance and no patience for people who don't know what they want, who manipulate in any way, who are cowards in any aspect of their life... I'm eliminating weak characters and people that stress me out. This does not mean that a guy cannot have weakness of other kind but character-related, or cry and be vulnerable, that can actually be a sign of strength. 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Stret said:

Anything is possible. I'll have to think about that. My position now is such that I have no tolerance and no patience for people who don't know what they want, who manipulate in any way, who are cowards in any aspect of their life... I'm eliminating weak characters and people that stress me out. This does not mean that a guy cannot have weakness of other kind but character-related, or cry and be vulnerable, that can actually be a sign of strength. 

What if not knowing what they want is due to a sudden/unpredicted change in their life?   It's normal for people to go through uncertainty as they process different options

How do you define a coward?  

[Stret]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

Being with the wrong person can be much lonelier than you would ever feel on your own.  

This is precisely why I avoid relationships with people that I don't feel are "the one for me" for the lack of better expression. I felt absolutely miserable in a few relationships in my life: I was not alone but I was lonely. When you are actually alone, you are never really lonely... at least in my case. But in some moments... How can I explain this? If you ever were omnivore and then changed into vegetarian because you got animals and could no longer eat them (don't ask), then you know that it is ok and you don't miss eating meat... most of the time.🙂 The neighbour makes a grill and you go "damnit, it smells good" and you turn around and forget it in a min. That's with me and relationships. What a comparison, eh?  

[Stret]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

If you are a different personality and complained about his choices then he pulls back and says you do then.   
 

everyone has strengths and weaknesses. If you are trying to find someone the same as you, it’s not going to work.

Not the same of course, just similar enough on main things. I'm not as rigid as the list suggests. It was just to illustrate what is it that would be a no-go for me and nobody still gave me an example from my list that is too much to ask. 

[Stret]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What if not knowing what they want is due to a sudden/unpredicted change in their life?   It's normal for people to go through uncertainty as they process different options

How do you define a coward?  

Sudden and unpredicted change was not really included in my consideration - I didn't think about it at all, but every case will turn on its own facts and be assessed on its own merits (very legal way to put it, I know:-)). If by "process option" you meant consider whether or not to be with me, I always make that choice easy for them because I don't get excited over people that are not excited about me, for whatever reasons. But this is all hypothetical and maybe some special circumstance would make things look different. For example, I had one boyfriend leave me because he got leukaemia without telling me about it. He just left. Called me a year later when I was already with someone else, and wanted to meet to tell me something - I hardly recognized him. I went home and cried to my new boyfriend. The ex was then invited for a dinner with us and we stayed in touch until he died.  But I digress. Memories... 

Coward is someone who doesn't stand up for what is right and for what he believes in for the fear of, say, what others at work or in his family will say. I am fearless, I hear from people and know it is a bull because I am afraid of many things and every time I go into something I feel fear. But I do it because it is right. I am a humanitarian and a revolutionary at heart, been since childhood. 

Edited February 17, 2024 by Stret

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, Stret said:

Not the same of course, just similar enough on main things. I'm not as rigid as the list suggests. It was just to illustrate what is it that would be a no-go for me and nobody still gave me an example from my list that is too much to ask. 

The overall vibe of your list is of wanting someone who is not human.  It's clear that you miss the fact that humans are fallible and you'd only be happy in a relationship where there's never any disharmony and your needs are 100% met.  This simply isn't realistic. 

On the question of whether something which is too much to ask, I do think that refusing someone on the grounds of mental health is lacking in understanding.  Yes, untreated mental health problems can be a significant problem. As are mental health problems which are only partially treated and it affects their life.  But if someone has a mental health problem which is successfully medicated and they are high functioning, why would you have a problem with it?   Further, what if your partner develops a mental health problem?  For example, PTSD after being in a catastrophic incident?   Or depression?   Switching genders, do you think it's reasonable for a guy to write off his young wife because she develops PPD after childbirth?   This is the stuff of life.  

 

 

 

Edited February 17, 2024 by basil67

[Stret]

40 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The overall vibe of your list is of wanting someone who is not human.  It's clear that you miss the fact that humans are fallible and you'd only be happy in a relationship where there's never any disharmony and your needs are 100% met.  This simply isn't realistic. 

On the question of whether something which is too much to ask, I do think that refusing someone on the grounds of mental health is lacking in understanding.  Yes, untreated mental health problems can be a significant problem. As are mental health problems which are only partially treated and it affects their life.  But if someone has a mental health problem which is successfully medicated and they are high functioning, why would you have a problem with it?   Further, what if your partner develops a mental health problem?  For example, PTSD after being in a catastrophic incident?   Or depression?   Switching genders, do you think it's reasonable for a guy to write off his young wife because she develops PPD after childbirth?   This is the stuff of life.  

 

 

 

Tell me which of the lines in the list was expecting a non-human? Should I be that arrogant and think I am the only person in the world built like this? I think there are people out there who are similar to me, I know they are rare but that is the core of why I'm alone. (I'm actually finding all this discussion helpful to put together some thoughts.) 

I don't think that refusing to start a relationship on the grounds of mental health is a "lack in understanding", but rather a reasonable decision based on experience with someone who was on the spectrum, someone who had ADHD, and someone who was raped as a child and had issues due to that. No thanks, never again. I understood all of them perfectly well, sometimes before they would understand themselves, unfortunately I did not see it all right at the start but too late. They can all be lovely and nice, but when life hits (illness, loss of job, death of a parent, moving to another country, etc), you are alone when you need your partner the most. Most of the life will go without these incidents, but I need to know that I am with a capable and emotionally intelligent person when something does happen. 

As far as your second part of the paragraph - you are talking about a completely different situation when your LIFE PARTNER experiences something traumatic, in which case you stick by the person and help them deal with whatever it is that they are dealing with. Of course. But I am talking about PICKING a partner, and no I would not pick someone who was in the middle of PTSD , or depression because it is not healthy to bond over a trauma and I don't want to have to start relationship hoping things will change (and when they don't whom do I have to blame?). And no, I wouldn't pick someone who was medicating to keep himself mentally healthy. But if things happened to my life partner and he needed medication, that would be a whole different situation. 
 

[basil67]

56 minutes ago, Stret said:

Sudden and unpredicted change was not really included in my consideration - I didn't think about it at all, but every case will turn on its own facts and be assessed on its own merits (very legal way to put it, I know:-)). If by "process option" you meant consider whether or not to be with me, I always make that choice easy for them because I don't get excited over people that are not excited about me, for whatever reasons. But this is all hypothetical and maybe some special circumstance would make things look different. For example, I had one boyfriend leave me because he got leukaemia without telling me about it. He just left. Called me a year later when I was already with someone else, and wanted to meet to tell me something - I hardly recognized him. I went home and cried to my new boyfriend. The ex was then invited for a dinner with us and we stayed in touch until he died.  But I digress. Memories... 

Coward is someone who doesn't stand up for what is right and for what he believes in for the fear of, say, what others at work or in his family will say. I am fearless, I hear from people and know it is a bull because I am afraid of many things and every time I go into something I feel fear. But I do it because it is right. I am a humanitarian and a revolutionary at heart, been since childhood. 

No, I mean they have to process their own options on whatever the issue is.  And sometimes, none of the options are good and this can lead to ongoing uncertainty.   For instance, the city I live in has a housing crisis.  Young people have having to choose if they should in the area and live with rents which are ~50% of their income vs move home to mum and dad while they save vs move where it's cheaper to live but where there's limited work options and understaffed services plus leave their friends and family behind.  It's all very easy to know what you want, but making that happen is much more difficult if the odds are stacked against you.   Difficult choices can and do lead to people not knowing what they want.  Sometimes you've just got to do the best you can with what you've got.

With standing up for what's right and what one believes in at work, there are reasonable limits.  For instance, if someone sees a heath/safety issue, it should be reported.  If they see someone behaving in a sexually/socially inappropriate manner towards someone else they should stand against it.   But preaching political views has no place at a work environment where it's not job related (and I say this as a self identified 'bleeding heart leftie').   

Same with family and friends.  I find some people's broad views are just so hideous that I want nothing to do with them.  But I have friends and family who are good people but we disagree on a couple of humanitarian topics.   Expecting someone to be willing to alienate their friends and family over some differences of opinion is not OK.  I think the whole problem with much of our world right now is a lack of reasonable tolerance and too many people are alienating others and this just increases the divide.   FWIW, a few years ago on FB, I was very shouty but did my shouting change anyone's minds? No.  Did it alienate me from others?  Yes.  Did it improve my life? No.  Did it contribute to a general sense of wellbeing?  No.   So I stopped being a shouty a**h*** and am much happier for it.  Of course, I still vote     Expecting people to risk alienating friends, loved ones or colleagues over a difference of opinion or two is really problematic

 

[Ami1uwant]

8 minutes ago, Stret said:

Tell me which of the lines in the list was expecting a non-human? Should I be that arrogant and think I am the only person in the world built like this? I think there are people out there who are similar to me, I know they are rare but that is the core of why I'm alone. (I'm actually finding all this discussion helpful to put together some thoughts.) 

I don't think that refusing to start a relationship on the grounds of mental health is a "lack in understanding", but rather a reasonable decision based on experience with someone who was on the spectrum, someone who had ADHD, and someone who was raped as a child and had issues due to that. No thanks, never again. I understood all of them perfectly well, sometimes before they would understand themselves, unfortunately I did not see it all right at the start but too late. They can all be lovely and nice, but when life hits (illness, loss of job, death of a parent, moving to another country, etc), you are alone when you need your partner the most. Most of the life will go without these incidents, but I need to know that I am with a capable and emotionally intelligent person when something does happen. 

As far as your second part of the paragraph - you are talking about a completely different situation when your LIFE PARTNER experiences something traumatic, in which case you stick by the person and help them deal with whatever it is that they are dealing with. Of course. But I am talking about PICKING a partner, and no I would not pick someone who was in the middle of PTSD , or depression because it is not healthy to bond over a trauma and I don't want to have to start relationship hoping things will change (and when they don't whom do I have to blame?). And no, I wouldn't pick someone who was medicating to keep himself mentally healthy. But if things happened to my life partner and he needed medication, that would be a whole different situation. 
 

 

you referred to ADD/ADHD which are generally well controlled and rather minor issues in a relationship that you had issue with.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Stret said:

Tell me which of the lines in the list was expecting a non-human? Should I be that arrogant and think I am the only person in the world built like this? I think there are people out there who are similar to me, I know they are rare but that is the core of why I'm alone. (I'm actually finding all this discussion helpful to put together some thoughts.) 

Again, it's not one line, it's the vibe.  It all reads like you can't deal with someone who has faults or makes mistakes or has a different view to you.  But faults and mistakes and differing views are what makes us human.  Therefore, it sounds like you're looking for someone who's non-human.  

 

13 minutes ago, Stret said:

Should I be that arrogant and think I am the only person in the world built like this?

We are all different, so yes, you likely are the only person in the world built like this.  And yes, your expectations of a partner sound naive at best and arrogant at worst.  I find your lack of (reasonable) tolerance for differences in a partner quite shocking.

4 minutes ago, Stret said:

I don't think that refusing to start a relationship on the grounds of mental health is a "lack in understanding", but rather a reasonable decision based on experience with someone who was on the spectrum, someone who had ADHD, and someone who was raped as a child and had issues due to that. No thanks, never again. 

If you know one person on the spectrum, then you know one person on the spectrum.   If you know one person with ADHD, then you know one person with ADHD.  Heck, if you know one person who's neuro typical, then you know one person who's neuro typical.  If you have a bad experience with a NT person, are you going to swear off them too?

4 minutes ago, Stret said:

As far as your second part of the paragraph - you are talking about a completely different situation when your LIFE PARTNER experiences something traumatic, in which case you stick by the person and help them deal with whatever it is that they are dealing with. Of course. But I am talking about PICKING a partner, and no I would not pick someone who was in the middle of PTSD , or depression because it is not healthy to bond over a trauma and I don't want to have to start relationship hoping things will change (and when they don't whom do I have to blame?). And no, I wouldn't pick someone who was medicating to keep himself mentally healthy. But if things happened to my life partner and he needed medication, that would be a whole different situation. 

I'm not suggesting you take on someone who's a basket case.  But if you would be OK with a partner who was medicated and highly functional, why not a boyfriend who's medicated and highly functional?  

[Stret]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's all very easy to know what you want, but making that happen is much more difficult if the odds are stacked against you.   Difficult choices can and do lead to people not knowing what they want.  Sometimes you've just got to do the best you can with what you've got.

 I understand why someone who had no major issues in life (and I am talking about issues in the global context) can feel that a lack of affordable housing is something that can interfere into choices on relationship. For me, it was different in life. I was alone since 17 and moved to another country - alone with two bags, and only about EUR1500, just to be close to someone I loved. And I still love him as a person. There is no mountain high enough when it comes to being with the one you love. 

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

But preaching political views has no place at a work environment where it's not job related (and I say this as a self identified 'bleeding heart leftie').   

Not political views, I didn't have this in mind. But now that you've mentioned it, there are many political views in my circle of permanent friends on many topics, but I do draw a line at [humanitarian crisis]  That's all I'll say on this topic because this is not a forum to discuss these things.

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Expecting people to risk alienating friends, loved ones or colleagues over a difference of opinion or two is really problematic

I'd alienate my own mother over the above, for example, but you're right not everything is worth discussing and getting into with your friends and family. 
My issue is that I actually have a power to at least have a decent attempt at changing things, and I'm working hard on contributing to something historic in my field. And those with platform should shout from the top of their lungs, and should do everything to change things IMO. It becomes a human responsibility. Of course, I understand that many feel like they are shouting into a void and feeling helpless. I used to when I didn't have my professional qualifications but I don't feel helpless any more - I will do or die. Slight chance that that might happen even quite literally. 

Edited February 18, 2024 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed political issues in non political forum