Is he stuck in the past?

[Jagger94]

So I’ve been with my fiancé for about eight years now and we have a mortgage and are hoping to get married within the next couple of years or so. He didn’t really have any proper experience with relationships before he met me so sometimes needs a bit of guidance.

Recently I found a response he posted on a forum about old attractions/crushes and how the situation with that person ended in feelings for that person changed based on their behaviour. He wrote chapter and verse about this girl and how he felt about her and went into loads of unnecessary detail. At the time of him posting this response I had not long been discharged from hospital after a Months stay due to a serious lifelong health condition.

I casually asked him about the post recently, he got very angry, denied even posting a response, then he denied that he used to be attracted to her and then says he isn’t attracted to her anymore when I showed him the post and he just said ok…. He has pretty much gaslit me and made it feel like my problem, but I think his behaviour is a bit strange. Over the last six months he has regularly visited this woman’s social media and also her sisters social media (he was close to her also) which if he doesn’t like them I don’t really get why he’d do it. He denies looking them up.

I just wondered why he reacted the way he did, I’m not sure if he’s living in the past but I’m having doubts about spending the rest of my life with someone that is maybe dwelling on the past and feels the need to creep on their social media frequently.

He hasn’t apologised properly for flying off the handle and is acting like we never had an argument but I’m feeling quite anxious about broaching the subject again as I think he may get angry again and I don’t want that. 

Generally our relationship is pretty good but we have had some issues over his priorities in the past and I don’t know if this is history repeating.

[glows]

That’s very disrespectful to you and I’m sorry you’re going through this. No, I wouldn’t marry this man. Why would you when he cannot at the very least communicate honestly and truthfully with you or when he hides his thoughts and feelings from you? That level of dishonesty doesn’t bode well long term. 

As for why he views their social media and seems to put her on a pedestal, it sounds like he’s bored or stressed out about his current situation living with you or subconsciously trying to get away from the stresses of being engaged and imagining a lifetime with you.

When you say he sometimes needs guidance it sounds like you’re coaching him into what you want him to be instead of accepting him for who he is. That kind of pressure and expectation can drive someone else to look elsewhere or fantasize about some imaginary woman from the past. It doesn’t seem like he’s talking to her or meeting her or has a clue what she’s like now in person. He’s fantasizing about her from afar. It’s also possible he’s not ready for marriage at all and feels torn he didn’t get to date around as much as you before meeting you. 

I definitely wouldn’t treat this matter casually. Explain how hurtful this is and stop trying to play it cool or walk on eggshells around him. Casually visiting someone’s social media is not exactly a big deal but going overboard with these fantasies, describing them in detail and then lying to you or not being able to communicate that he wrote those things or explain what he means is not ok. I wouldn’t get angry but I would absolutely convey how hurt I am. 

I also wonder how your health issues affect him in the relationship. You say you were in hospital for some time. If he’s not having his needs met this may not be the right relationship for him.
 

Edited February 15 by glows

[Jagger94]

Thanks glows 🙂, I did find your opinion very helpful. I’m going to try and speak to him about this again. I do agree that he is fantasising or possibly imagining what may have happened if things had been different had she not rejected him. She is now married and has a family of her own so it really is time for him to move on.

I had offered him a few days ago and also when I left hospital the opportunity to have a break or end things completely, so that he can think about what he really wants as I do feel as though he is unhappy with me. He said he didn’t want to split up or be away from me but from his behaviour I don’t really know how he feels..

[stillafool]

39 minutes ago, Jagger94 said:

He said he didn’t want to split up or be away from me but from his behaviour I don’t really know how he feels..

I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable being engaged to a man who is pinning for some other woman and who I had to teach how to act in a relationship.  I would be asking myself if he really was in love with me or settling for me because the woman he really wants is taken.  You deserve better than that.

 

[d0nnivain]

You are entangled with him through the mortgage.  I never understood buy real estate with a lover who was not a spouse.  

Maybe the post was nostalgic.  Maybe he was missing you while you are in the hospital.  Maybe he was getting her out of his system.  

His over the top response was not good.  You need to let him know how much that hurt you & how unloved the post made you feel.  See how he reacts to that.  

If you are both open I think you can work your way back to each other.  

[smackie9]

He's upset because he got caught. 

[Gaeta]

I'm really sorry to say but you're not 'the one' for him.

Together 8 years, not married yet, maybe marrying within 2 years, you have to "guide" him, you spoke of a similar issue in the past...all this tells me he's not in with both feet. Also his reply to you when you offered to breakup was at best luckywarm. 

Men are known for staying in relationships even when the love is gone, they don't want to be alone and a girlfriend is convenient.

[glows]

14 hours ago, Jagger94 said:

Thanks glows 🙂, I did find your opinion very helpful. I’m going to try and speak to him about this again. I do agree that he is fantasising or possibly imagining what may have happened if things had been different had she not rejected him. She is now married and has a family of her own so it really is time for him to move on.

I had offered him a few days ago and also when I left hospital the opportunity to have a break or end things completely, so that he can think about what he really wants as I do feel as though he is unhappy with me. He said he didn’t want to split up or be away from me but from his behaviour I don’t really know how he feels..

I don’t know why you’re putting this in his hands. He’s already shown he’s unreliable. It’s like putting a box of matches in the hands of a pyromaniac. We know what’s going to happen. Of course his response is also unreliable or feels unreliable. He has shown you who he is, his character. You’re looking for him to give you an answer instead of seeing it right there in front of you and deciding for yourself what you want to live with.

 

Edited February 16 by glows

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Eight years  and  a mortgage is a big entanglement. Are you sure you both really want to get married? 

Hopefully you're feeling better, recuperating and talking care of yourself and your health.

Does your BF help around the house especially now that you just came from the hospital?

How did you come across these forums posts and social media following? It seems he's denying it and nasty/defensive about that. Has he acted on these musings or cheated in the past? 

You mentioned there have been issues in the past and you basically had a "teach" him how to have a relationship?

Does he work and contribute to the household financially as well as other household responsibilities? 

Unfortunately arguing about it yet again probably won't be productive since he's denying and dismissing it.

Have you considered couples counseling, especially since you are both sort of stuck in the house for now? 

Edited February 16 by Wiseman2

[Jagger94]

Hi Wiseman,

Yes, I’m doing pretty well health wise at the moment, thank you 🙂.

To be fair he does a lot of the housework and does also cook on a regular basis whilst contributing financially as he does work full time.

I am pretty sure he hasn’t ever actively sought another relationship whilst being with me (cannot guarantee this though as he would hardly admit it).

He visits forums frequently but usually it’s on very random topics, I saw part of the post when he was showing me some other post he had made and I had a look later on when I was alone. The woman’s name pops up in the search bar on his social media, I saw this months ago but dismissed it, last week he had visited her page whilst in my company (I saw him but he didn’t realise I noticed). 

When we got together he was rather inexperienced with dating so I think he has sought advice from his friends on things in our relationship, which may or may not be helpful to our situation.

[Wiseman2]

It seems like you have a lot to consider especially how much the good outweighs the bad. Since she is now married and has a family of her own , there's really no threat even though he may have nostalgia for simpler youthful times. He's just looking. Do you really want to throw the relationship away? 

[Jagger94]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you have a lot to consider especially how much the good outweighs the bad. Since she is now married and has a family of her own , there's really no threat even though he may have nostalgia for simpler youthful times. He's just looking. Do you really want to throw the relationship away? 

Precisely, there’s a lot to think about. I just am curious if he is really happy deep down I don’t know why he feels the need to frequently check on up other people - people that he says he doesn’t care about. I know some people do creep a bit and it is considered normal but to do it frequently does beg a question as to why and I am thinking these are only the times that I know about, has he been checking up on other people for years throughout our relationship.