My Girlfriend (29F) Broke up With me (31M) After the Loss of her Father

[Lost_Soul12]

Hi all,

This is my first time posting here, and I’m not sure what I aim to take away from the post. I feel so utterly torn to pieces, that I just need to write this down and have others share their thoughts. I live in a very rural area, so my immediate friend circle is very, very small (and I’m socially anxious, which doesn’t help) - hence seeking help here. I just want to make sense of what went wrong, where and how to move forward from this paralysis.

As per the title, my girlfriend broke up with me on Thursday. Following a period of relationship doubts which she informed me of a week prior to breaking up - and a month after losing her father to cancer.

Considering the length of the relationship, I am completely beside myself to how she decided to end it completely in the period of a week - with absolutely no desire to work through the issues.

I guess I should give an overview of our relationship. Both the good and the bad.

We saw and talked to each other in work on our breaks from time to time, and I was immediately drawn to her. She was beautiful and we clicked instantly. I wanted to ask her out, but I was far too afraid! Funnily enough though, it turns out she had a crush on me as well - but was also too afraid to ask me out. A friend told me that she was on Bumble, so I registered, found her and we soon got dating. We were on cloud nine.

We were very open from the start, but she needed some coaxing (open communication wise) during the early stages of the relationship. I told her very early on, that I’ve battled with anxiety and depression in the past. Caused by 2 traumatic long-term relationships. I often had to manage separation anxiety and trust issues as a result - but I had been working through these issues for months prior, with the help of a therapist. 

She was fine with this, and welcomed my openness and honesty.

She then went on to open up and told me that she had lost her mother to cancer when she was 18. During her first year at Edinburgh university. The impact of this was huge on her life and she admitted to starting smoking, sleeping with guys and drinking. I also welcomed her telling me this - as she had clearly come a long way to where she is now, with the help of her friends, family and therapist. She also said she still suffers from SAD and that she was taking medication. Again, I was totally fine with this.

Over a year went by, and everything was textbook perfect. Until we encountered our first hurdle - she sat me down and told me that she wants to travel Australia and NZ for 3 months on her own. I was initially fine with this, but then my separation anxiety kicked in hard (not good on my part). I had to come clean and tell her that I’d struggle with that idea, but that I was accepting that she wanted to go and that I wanted and needed to work through it. I think she had doubts initially but agreed that she’d love to remain a couple. As a bonus, we arranged to meet in southern NZ to embark on the last stage of her traveling together - as something for me to aim for.

More time passed, and her trip drew closer. My anxiety flared up really badly the week or so prior to her leaving (I had an anxiety attack on a night out with her) and I was heartbroken seeing her leave. I opened up therapy again. 

However, my trust issues ended up consuming me - as she was partying with other people on the other side of the world. My issues almost drove her away, as I started to suffocate her - I knew this, and I knew this was make or break. But I was determined to keep working with my therapist to stop my behaviour (my social circle was still tiny). We persevered, I improved and eventually we met in NZ, where we proceeded to have an unforgettable trip. It was also so emotional, as we could finally talk in-person about what happened during the weeks before.

The trip was over, we both came home and everything was fine again. Relationship wise, we recovered from climbing a mountain - and we felt stronger than ever as a result.

A couple of years pass, with no issues - just pure enjoyment, honesty and love. We had the occasional disagreement, but these were tiny, day-to-day things and we always communicated clearly, calmly and always constructively. Although, she did have to work through some passive-aggressiveness, which she overcame with time. We moved into a rented house together after the COVID period for about a year, but moved back out due to some difficulties with our landlord.

Over a year passed, and onto our next hurdle, and this was the biggest yet. My trust issues had been squashed by this point and we felt completely relaxed together. Until she had a house party at her place and was sexually assaulted whilst she was drunk. I didn’t know about this until the morning after, where I saw her and knew something wasn’t right. She broke down, and told me everything. Her and a childhood friend got into bed together, extremely drunk and he proceeded to lay hands on her after she said no repeatedly. She didn’t physically stop him and it didn’t lead to sex.

This was huge and rocked both of us. She was confused as to why it happened and it re-wrote everything for me - as I initially thought she had cheated on me, but I could tell there was zero maliciousness. It turns out she felt a lack of intimacy between the two of us (a pretty normal thing to experience in a LTR), and maybe what drove the situation to happen. But she was never sure, as she was adamant she didn’t consent and that she was barely sober enough to remember her thoughts at the time of the incident. She was utterly torn apart by all of this, she felt violated and opened up therapy again. I took some time to think about what happened and decided I wanted to help her through this. We got through bad times before, now we can get through this.

Months pass and we worked through intimacy issues and she managed to recover from the house party incident. Although she continued to go to therapy to help continue building herself. This period, was amazing - we were a true power couple. She was healing, driving her own business and I was working through progressing my career. The perfect relationship.

I knew her father had a brain tumour removed whilst her mother had cancer, and we always knew it would come back. Last year this happened - he was given a prognosis of 3 months. After this, everything turned upside down.

I took a back seat and accepted that now was the time for her family. I continued to see her as often as I could and to be there for her when she needed it. He deteriorated extremely quickly and my girlfriend and her siblings turned into 24/7 carers for about 2 months. This was a difficult time, but I stuck with her as I always did.

Come the 2nd of January - I’m at work and receive a call from my girlfriend to say that he had died peacefully and that she wanted to me come over ASAP. I did, we just held each other and cried.

From then until now had been difficult, I struggled with seeing her father pass away. The funeral was extremely tough. She now had no parents and I’d never encountered this with immediate family. She was obviously grieving the loss, but seemed to be coping well overall. The family is very close and seeing her father go through that, made me think about my life more - I opened up about my childhood fear of death and told her that it was something that had entered my mind again. Although I was able to deal with it much better now.

Last week, she mentioned that she had doubts about the relationship. Stating that the little things that bothered her before are now things she couldn’t ignore, and she wasn’t sure if we could work through them. She felt that our goals didn’t align, I became a little withdrawn (I was processing grief at the time), I didn’t seem happy, I was a little snappy and she didn’t know if there was a future with me. She was going to talk to her therapist the following week to see if she’d feel different, then we’d talk about it again. Resuming normality in between that time, which was what I thought was being a caring, loving couple. Although my anxiety was very present here, I remained as honest and open as I could with her. We both had days where we’d just cry together.

The time comes, and I meet her at her studio - to where I can see it in her eyes. She breaks into tears and tells me that she can’t shake the doubts and doesn’t think things will change. My negativity, my temperament is something she doesn’t want her future children to grow up with. I cry, and I beg for her to give us a chance to work through this as we always have done - but she shakes her head. She’s done.

I know we weren’t perfect, I know I had my issues - but I’m struggling to cope, I’m struggling to find what I did amongst the fog of break up. My anxiety it back, and so is my depression. I’ve booked an appointment with a new therapist next week, but I have an entire weekend to battle through.

I just want help. I’m not angry with her and I still love her with all that I have. She is still the kindest soul I have ever met and we worked through so much.

I just want to fall into an eternal sleep and be done with this. I’ve lost the biggest piece of me.

Edited February 16 by Lost_Soul12
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[d0nnivain]

I'm so sorry that you are bearing the brunt of this.  But it doesn't really have much to do with you.  The death of her father has rocked her world.   She didn't make the best decisions when her mother died & she still makes questionable decisions.  I'm not blaming the victim but common sense says you don't invite an opposite sex person into your bed while drunk & expect that sex won't happen.  

Anyway, she's making another bad decision now in her grief.  Unfortunately you can't stop her.  You can't love her through this.  She's hellbent on self destruction.  All you can do is let her go.  That sucks & it hurts. 

Take the weekend & grieve.  Sleep all day.  Watch bad TV.  Indulge in whatever will help the pain dissipate.  But come Monday you have to get out of bed & live your life.  It will be hard.  You will be sad.  You do get to mourn the loss but carry on.  Surround yourself with supportive friends & family.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  In time the acute pain will subside.  

[Alpacalia]

People do 180° turns though, when it comes to traumatic loss - but your girlfriend jumping into bed with her friend is already at least one 180° turn. 

It sounds like losing her father has made your girlfriend re-evaluate everything. I am sorry, I know you are devasted. Jumping into bed with a friend she was drunk with... I have a feeling that it took more than just being drunk with signal to let that friend know she was open for touching. Sobriety makes a huge difference and her inebriated state reduced her inhibitions to let that incident escalate.

If it didn't reach sex, I have no idea and you'll never know for sure but falling asleep... after a childhood friend laying hands on her repeatedly, does not sound right.

Whatever the case, she's not making good choices right now and perhaps the dynamics in your actual relationship is grinding her down. I am sorry for the loss of her father. Sometimes people grow apart or change and that can happen. Get active please, never be co-dependent.

[Lost_Soul12]

Thank you for the kind words, it does mean a lot and does help.

Regarding the house party incident, I tried not to look at it in bad light. As she was utterly destroyed by this, but we worked though it well. It opened a new avenue of honesty between us, and our relationship was rocksteady after this (or so I thought anyway).

What I’m struggling with the most is that after 5 years and so much work, she doesn’t even want to work through these current issues. I understand that losing her father is a nuclear change, but I was fully there for her. Within a week of raising the issues, she’s decided to leave - I just can’t seem to process that. When she raised the issues initially last week, I took everything on board, listened and committed to change. I just needed time.

[Alpacalia]

Try to get to place where her not wanting to work on the relationship is not so much a reflection of you but her inability to cope. People can forecast a lot of emotional difficulty and use a break as a way of managing things. They can also feel so overwhelmed and hurt by what they experienced that even considering working through issues in a relationship is too daunting or impossible.

[Lost_Soul12]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Try to get to place where her not wanting to work on the relationship is not so much a reflection of you but her inability to cope. People can forecast a lot of emotional difficulty and use a break as a way of managing things. They can also feel so overwhelmed and hurt by what they experienced that even considering working through issues in a relationship is too daunting or impossible.

These words are helpful, thank you.

I can see her perspective much better after some thought.

Although it did make me reach out to her with a neutral, but kind text - saying that I understand why she couldn’t work on our issues. In some senses I guess I was selfish to think that she could want to work through my issues - when she just needed the headspace to grieve the loss of her father, and support the rest of her family.

She responded saying that she was crying whilst going to the supermarket without me for the first time - then she saw my message.

I don’t feel awful after sending the text - but I’ve now deleted the chat and her number. Which makes me feel terrible, as I worry for her.

I’m still in unbearable pain knowing she’s gone and won’t ever come back. 

I wish the nights and mornings carried less pain - are they any methods of stoping the anxiety when you wake up?

I'm mourning the loss of her, whilst she cries at the grave of her father and now for our relationship. 

[Lost_Soul12]

Just to add to the above (as I can’t edit the reply). 

I also closed off the message to her by thanking her for all that I experienced in the relationship, and that I hope she finds her away again.

[Acacia98]

So sad...

I just wanted to say sorry, @Lost_Soul12. I know it's a rocky road, but you will eventually be okay.

[Lost_Soul12]

35 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

So sad...

I just wanted to say sorry, @Lost_Soul12. I know it's a rocky road, but you will eventually be okay.

Thank you for the kind words.

The sheer scale and sadness of it all is tough to bare. 

I have a re-occurring thought tonight, that I can’t shake. The thought makes me scared and I tear up - the fact that due to no-contact, I won’t know if she’s alright. I won’t know if she needs a little guidance on her way to healing.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Lost_Soul12 said:

won’t know if she needs a little guidance on her way to healing.

She might, but you can't be the one to offer it anyway. I don't say that to be unkind, but you are not really in a position to guide her in her grief

It sounds like she will be able to handle herself, for what it's worth. And it also appears the doubts had been mounting for a long time, so while you had the idea of you two being an amazing "power couple", that's not exactly her experience of it. I think you are underestimating the effect of all the past issues and the toll they took. Even if you thought you had worked through it and come out stronger, it doesn't really read that way. 

You will be okay again, too. You will heal. And you will find happiness again elsewhere. 

[Lost_Soul12]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She might, but you can't be the one to offer it anyway. I don't say that to be unkind, but you are not really in a position to guide her in her grief

It sounds like she will be able to handle herself, for what it's worth. And it also appears the doubts had been mounting for a long time, so while you had the idea of you two being an amazing "power couple", that's not exactly her experience of it. I think you are underestimating the effect of all the past issues and the toll they took. Even if you thought you had worked through it and come out stronger, it doesn't really read that way. 

You will be okay again, too. You will heal. And you will find happiness again elsewhere. 

Thank you, although that is a tough read.

I agree with you - but I think if that were true about her, why didn’t she communicate it with me much further before? 

I guess I’m just stuck at the stage of being lost still.

I’ve not slept in days, not eaten, I feel ill and I can’t stop thinking about her ☹️

[Lost_Soul12]

The first half of her stuff left my house this morning. Looking at all the objects, the memories, laughter, tears - love.

My heart is breaking. I miss her so much. I just want to see her and hug her.

I just can’t stop crying.

[d0nnivain]

@Lost_Soul12

Let it out.  Tears are cathartic.  Take the weekend & mourn.  Stay in bed.  Eat a tub of ice cream.  Get drunk.  Do whatever you need to do to self soothe but come Monday you have to put one foot in front of the other & carry on.  

Slowly all week, rearrange your living space to make up for the holes left by her absence & the removal of her stuff.  Surround yourself with supportive people. 

This too shall pass.  In time the acute pain will subside.  Hang in there.  

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, Lost_Soul12 said:

but I think if that were true about her, why didn’t she communicate it with me much further before? 

A lot of people are afraid to be single, so they stay with someone even when they are not really that happy. 

Or maybe she thought things would change and she would feel differently, and it just didn't happen for her. It happens a lot in relationships, and you will likely never have a concrete answer. 

The important thing now is to focus on healing. You will get better but be patient with yourself in the meantime. 

[Lost_Soul12]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

A lot of people are afraid to be single, so they stay with someone even when they are not really that happy. 

Or maybe she thought things would change and she would feel differently, and it just didn't happen for her. It happens a lot in relationships, and you will likely never have a concrete answer. 

The important thing now is to focus on healing. You will get better but be patient with yourself in the meantime. 

Thank you - that’s a good insight to have.

We’re meeting up tomorrow to go through the last of our stuff from our house. It was originally penciled in for in a couple of weeks, but I just want to get everything done.

Tomorrow is going to be gut wrenching isn’t it ☹️

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, Lost_Soul12 said:

We’re meeting up tomorrow to go through the last of our stuff from our house. It was originally penciled in for in a couple of weeks, but I just want to get everything done.

Tomorrow is going to be gut wrenching isn’t it ☹️

For you, yes. 

Is it absolutely necessary to do this together? I have twice broken up with boyfriends I lived with. On the first occasion, we went though belongings together. It was not a great idea as it was hard on both of us. 

On the second occasion, my ex and I didn't go through things together. We each went through them alone, and instead we communicated by phone or message to clear up details. That was fine and we sorted through things without having to be in each other's presence (and it was several years' worth of belongings) I would strongly advise going this route if you can.